Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Asking Why?

Since Sunday, the Mac family has been heavily on my mind. And tonight I came across this blog which led me to this blog which again led to me sitting alone in my office crying to the computer.


Like the mom in the last link said.... fucking cancer.

I read these stories... these blogs... these peoples lives were so normal before they discovered this awful disease. They posted pictures of Christmas, of birthdays, of trips to the zoo, of silly babies eating food in their messy way. And then come The Post. The discovery. The moment their lives turned upside down.

I sit and wonder WHY!? Why these children? Why and HOW? What is the purpose of this? There has to be a deeper meaning... a purpose for the heartache and pain and suffering these families are going through. Is it so that people like myself will read their story and hug their children a little tighter, saying a little prayer that they are healthy? There has to be a reason.

I feel like since reading these stories I've been a little more lax with Porter... letting him come snug in bed with us in the middle of the night and not taking him back to his bed. I've been laying with him in his room after hearing his sweet voice plead "But I'm all alone in my bedroom... I'm scared.... There's monsters in here.... Mommy, come lay with me." Because, really, tomorrow could flip our lives upside down. Who knows what tomorrow holds.

God knows those families never thought their story would turn out that way.

In the past I've nonchalantly joked that sometime in my life I'll have cancer... no doubt. My family is ridden with cancer. My aunt, mom, great grandma, grandpa etc etc... Cancer. Cancer cancer cancer. Fucking cancer.

And reading these blogs with these tiny, helpless children who have barely lived a life... having to succumb to cancer... it makes me so angry. So angry that I've been so "so-what" about something so awful... something that could take my life away from my family... that could take a family members life away from us. Angry that cancer even exists. That there isn't a rhyme or reason or frick... a CURE.

I pray that someday in my lifetime... sometime... somewhere... somehow... there will be a rhyme or reason and for pete's sake... a cure.


  1. Good thoughts.
    I mean, NOT good thoughts, but well written. And good food for thought.

    I've gotten attached to several blogs lately of women who have recently been diagnosed as well. It's so.... I don't even know the word for it.... disturbing that cancer is becoming so common. Almost everyone I know is/has been affected in some way these days.

    I've had that same feeling, in the last 5 years or so, as you-- just this sure feeling that I'll be the one diagnosed one of these days. And with me it's not even so much that's it's been rampant in my family... I just have this uneasy feeling about it. Maybe because it's just such a thing that sneaks up on you and is so unpredictable? Like I feel like I need to at least have the idea set in my mind so I'm not totally blown out of the water if/when it does happen.
    Like you said... it happens in one day; suddenly life is not what it was the day before.

  2. Your thoughts on this are the same things I have been thinking/feeling lately also. It's all so very heartbreaking and unexplainable.
    I don't understand any of it, because it makes no sense.
    Praying for a cure. So very, very sad and sickening.

  3. It's very scary. I have been attached to several blogs lately that I can hardly read each time w/out getting choked up. I do not know how these parents can get thru each day knowing that their child is dying of this awful disease.

    I pray for a cure.

  4. i can not even bring myself to read most of those blogs. i seriously cry until i make myself sick. as the mom of a child with a serious, chronic illness...all i can say is i hope god has a plan.