day by day

For the most part, we've settled into our home and it feels pretty good.   Most days, it does.  Most days it feels like we're in our own little corner of paradise.  We are secluded from the hustle and bustle, the kids have acres and acres to play on, we have a spacious home where we are no longer crawling on top of each other (except when everyone and the dogs want to be in the kitchen at the same time!), and the community is welcoming, friendly and has such a great, happy small town feel.  We're close to bigger cities... just 15-20 minutes from numerous cities with great shopping.

Other days just feel... off.  Other days it feels like a big mistake.  It feels isolated and foreign and unfamiliar and messy.  The "other days" are easy enough for ME to handle.  I know that we've landed in this spot for a reason.  I know we felt the need to move, to pick this place- this house- this town- for a reason. I know this is part of our journey and His plan.  But when the kids are feeling the "other days", it makes it so hard as a parent. 

Hudson has had the hardest time adjusting, and this doesn't surprise me.  I spoke with his teacher before school started and voiced my concerns.   He's quirky.  He doesn't play "typical" boy games like most of the boys did at his old school.  He sometimes has a hard time recognizing personal space. He can be obnoxious and not read social cues when people are all " You're being obnoxious, get out of my face... I'm over you".   He is immature for his age.  Even moreso being a boy.   My heart ached for him starting school.  I prayed the other kids would be accepting and find the good in him and realize his silly, sweet personality and heart were worth getting to know- quirks and all.   I was also terrified about his school work- he tends to want to do everything PERFECT and it paralyzes him into not doing ANYTHING at all.  He can be stubborn and refuse to do his work (Writing especially... he can sit for EVER saying he's thinking about what to write nad never get anything down on paper.)

As I've always done with the boys since they started school, I asked them each day who they played with at recess, and who they ate lunch with.  The first day of school I was so excited to know Hudson made a new friend right off the bat- Luke.  After a few days, it appeared he was no longer playing with Luke "because he wants to play cops and robbers and I want to play house!"  There were days he could name a few kids he played with, and there were days he said "I don't know...." hesitantly, only to finally admit he played alone.  My heart broke.  We discussed compromising and trying to play something the other kids wanted to play, but he was set on playing "house" or "wild baby animals".   He didn't want to play cops and robbers, or puppies and dogcatchers, or dinosaurs with the other kids.  We discussed that it was his choice- he had to decide if he would rather compromise and have friends to play with, or play alone and play what he wanted to play. 

The first week of school he brought home a paper that was incomplete (nothing even started on it) and a note stating that he refused to do any writing.  Another paper had a sentence on it with a note stating he completed with SIGNIFICANT help from the classroom aide.   I started having him write after school... I printed random, silly pictures off google and had him write 5 sentences about the pictures.  

I emailed his teacher last week and asked how he was doing- how school work was going and how he was doing socially.  She told me she was seeing the same things... that her class was full of great pretenders and the kids loved pretending, but Hudson wasn't wanting to try playing what everyone else was playing.   She recommended having him see the school counselor who can informally help him meet friends with a "friendship group".    She also said work completion was difficult- she could tell he was very bright but has a difficult time demonstrating it.

On Friday, I spoke with his teacher at the homecoming parade and she said that since we'd emailed, he seemed to have done a 180.   She had moved him next to Luke, and they seemed to be motivating each other to do their work.  He also had made a couple new friends that she noticed him playing with (He did tell me one day "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow... I have a new friend named Grace!"). 

Porter seemed, to me, to be taking everything in stride.  He made friends at football, and he always said he'd played some game or another with kids at recess.  He's enthusiastic to complete his homework as soon as he gets home.  When we went to the homecoming football game, he was greeted by a group of kids who ran up to him to have him go off and run around with them.  He seemed like he was doing fine. 

Tonight, however, he broke down.  All day he has been rotten to his brother and I had had enough.  I sent him to his room and went upstairs to let him know how I felt about his behavior... that he was being a bully, that the way he treated his brother was not how he would ever think of treating a friend or classmate, that I wasn't going to allow one of my kids to be a bully and that he was not going to be playing with friends until he could learn to be kind to his brother.  He started bawling.  And sobbing. We hugged and I let him calm down and asked him what he was feeling... he said he felt invisible. He said he had no friends.  He felt invisible at home and at school and that he's felt like he didn't fit in ever since 1st grade.  I asked about the boys he played with at the game and it seems like they're friendly, but this boy already has "good friends" that he's obviously been friends with for years.  I realized... maybe this isn't as easy for him as I thought.  Yeah... he isn't going to be able to jump into class and be good friends with anyone right away, and that can make you feel invisible and like such an outsider.  It takes time to build up those relationships and get to know someone well.  I explained to him that I felt very much the same... that I don't have any friends here and there isn't a school for moms to go meet other mom friends.  I let him know I understand how he feels and that the change is going to be hard for awhile until we let people get to know us.  

 So... day by day... day by day.   I know there will be good days and bad days.   I'm trying to roll with the punches here but some days I am afraid we made a wrong choice.  Most days I know we didn't... most days I know I won't regret this.  Most days I know we've opened up our kids to many more opportunities here.  But some days... some days I hate the messiness of this transition.  I hate the heartache my babies feel as they adjust.  I hate the behaviors and attitudes it brings out in all of us as we try to internalize our fears and worries and sadness and loneliness.   I look forward to the day where we feel like this is 100% home... where we belong... where we feel welcome and comfortable and familiar.

Day by day... day by day.

goodbyes suck

7 summers ago I sat in this exact spot, on dirty carpet, feeding an infant Hudson while 2 year old Porter scampered around. The weeks prior to closing on this house were stressful and emotional. This house was my happy place. It was dirty, a foreclosure, but it was to be our home and I had big dreams for it. I would come here during the days, pick up a hot n ready pizza, land slowly work on fixing things up and making it a home. Today we are picking up the last straggling things of our belongings and it's breaking my heart to say goodbye.

Emotional wreck right now. I can't revisit this house again. It makes me so sad to think of all the memories we leave here. This is the last time the boys will run to the neighbors to play with E and K. I won't see them climb the tree in the front yard again. I won't hear them scamper off to the neighbors for Popsicles. It's crazy how 4 walls can hold so much more than your worldly belongings.

The last night.

Tonight is our last night at H House.   This move is so bittersweet.  We never thought we would have or want to move from H House. When we moved here, we had a 2 year old and 7 week old.  This was our first "real, grown up" house.  It had a doorbell and sidewalk to the front door!  It was more than double the size of our first home and we had big visions for this house.  I still have the long term "to do" list for H House and we surprisingly completed SO much of it.  We have so many amazing memories in this home.  Our boys grew up here!  The boys had their first days of school here.  First steps were taken by Hudson and Amelia. Our girls were brought home here.  Our family expanded from 4 to 5 to 6 in this home.  We've eaten dinner with good friends here.  We've had Thanksgiving dinners here from the stages of having "kid tables" to now having to host it buffet style because everyone has grown so much.  Santa came down this chimney for the past 7 years.  We've put sweat, tears and lots of love into these 4 walls.  I pray that the next family that moves in will see how special this house is and they too will create some amazing family memories here.  I hope they realize what a treasure the neighbors are.  Earlier today I heard the kids laughing and playing outside and it made me sad to think that it would likely be the last time Gary and Linda, our neighbors, would hear our kids' laughter (and fighting) from their yard. As hard as the house is going to be to say goodbye to, the neighbors will be the hardest.  They've become like family to us.  It's special, having neighbors who are a bit older than you but who get along with you and are so fun and relatable. They treat my kids like their grandchildren.  I remember when Porter was about 4, he realized Linda kept popsicles at her house so he would draw pictures for them and ask to take them next door, hoping she would offer him a Popsicle in return for his scribbly art.  The memories here.... So many amazing memories in our hearts.  So long, H House.  Many blessings for your next family.

saying goodbye

Tonight the boys and I had a good cry over all the changes going on.   We've had a rough few days- they've been GOOD days, don't get me wrong- filled with fun and hard work and exciting changes, but not a whole lot of "family connecting time".  

I was tucking them in bed tonight and reminded them to get to sleep quickly so they didn't sleep in too late tomorrow and miss us before we left for the airport.  They both started bawling- but not because we're leaving- because we're moving.  They're SO upset about leaving our neighbors.  And truthfully, I am too.  And I know our neighbors are as well... last weekend we sat out on Gary and Linda's new deck and had a few drinks and the kids played Bocce ball with Gary and Ryan.  Linda got choked up watching the kids play- she said that's what she wants her back yard to look like- people over there having fun, kids playing.  She said she always thought she'd get to watch our kids grow up.  And that Amelia just has this special spot in her heart- she just adores her.  

Gaw.  I'm about crying now.   We just LOVE our neighbors.  And the Kelleys--- our kids have grown up together!  They're like siblings.  Its going to be so so hard to leave them. SO hard.  I know that changes are hard but will bring lots of new, good things into our lives, but it really sucks to have to say goodbye to people we love so much.

I tried to explain to the boys that goodbye doesn't mean we won't ever see them again.   Its like our family- we don't live next door to them, but we still love them and still see them.  Same goes for the Pattons and Kelleys.   We will always love them and miss them, but we can always call them or email or text them and see them if we want!  We just have to make time for it.   Porter wanted to get a picture of them, so I told him we'd make sure to take pictures with them before we move so we can put their pictures up at our new house.  I told them that Gary, Linda and the Kelleys will ALWAYS have a special place in our hearts because they were a big part of our lives the past 7 years.

I'm also so nervous about our new neighbors.  Its hard to think of a move as if we are "trading" off one set of neighbors for another.  It kind of is.  Moving is give and take... compromise.   We're trading off a smaller house for a larger one.  We're choosing a home that suits us better.  But, the trade off is we're also trading in our neighbors, community, school as well.  So, we have to pray and hope that what we're trading ends up being good for us.   So far we really like our new neighbors but we don't know them well enough to know if they are truly down to earth type people.  My gut feeling right now is that they won't really be people (wives) that I hang out with and get close to, but so far our kids get along SO well and love each other.  Time will tell.

I'm trying to remind myself that we've been so blessed with amazing neighbors and we're so lucky to have people in our lives that make it hard to say goodbye.