Day 3 | I am thankful for Westwinds and Worship

I've written the starting sentence to this blog post about 4 times now... deleting each one.  I'm not sure what to say or how to say how much Westwinds means to me, and how thankful I am to have a church I can call home, that I don't feel judged, that I can learn and relate its preaching to my life.  I seriously have had mini panic attacks thinking... "Oh my gosh... what we don't give enough offerings to church and they have to shut down and there is no more Westwinds??"  I know, kind of silly but.... I really don't think I'll ever find another church like it. 

Every Sunday without a doubt I walk away from church with something that has touched me in some way or another.   It may be something Pastor McDonald said, or a verse from the bible, or a quote from a song we sang.  Nevertheless, I have something to hold onto that has changed me and will continue to change me little by little.  I'll never be perfect.  I'm forever flawed, but I know that with what I take away from church I can always be trying to change and do things right in God's eyes, and try to become the best person I can be.  

I have been known to take notes during church, write down things and later InstaQuote them so I can put them in my Project Life album and look back on these quotes/sayings.  Here are a few of my favorites recently:

Porter | ER 1.2.13

5:00pm:  Say a little prayer.  Nothing extremely major but porter was outside this afternoon and had a piece of his plastic cross bow in his mouth, was running and fell.  He was spitting blood and upon first inspection we thought he just cut his gums.  Upon further inspection there was a hole through the tissue near his tonsils.  

To the ER we go.  10 people ahead of us.   We didn't wait too awful long and were taken to a room for a PA to see him.  She immediately said a doctor needed to look at him and possibly ENT. 

6:00pm: The doctor came In and well, when you hear "hmmmm."  It's not good.  He says to Porter "you shouldn't try to do your own tonsillectomy, kiddo."

6:30pm: We were sent back to a room and prepped to have him put under and either stitched up or his tonsil taken out (not clear at this moment what route they're going).  First attempt at an IV was unsuccessful.  Porter screamed and told te nurse to piss off.  (Eeeek.  Cue parents of the year award as I bit my tongue trying not to laugh)

That IV didn't work and a second nurse came in to do another.  That went smoothly, and Porter preferred watching everything she did as opposed to looking away.

7:30pm: They sedated him and attempted to sew his throat up but after 2 doses of ketamine and trying for about half an hour, they decided an ENT needed to do it.  Unfortunately, the local ENT had just had emergency surgery on himself 2 days ago so we had to be transported to Motts.  

8:30pm: Porter was somewhat awake for his first (and pray to God only) ambulance ride.  He was funny coming off the sedation- he said I had 4 eyes and every time we passed a semi he'd say "what the heck was that?!"

9:00pm: At Motts we for checked in and in a room immediately.  Two doctors saw him and decided he needed to have it looked at and repaired in an OR.  

11:00pm: ENT resident came in (damn every doc and nurse  here at Motts is amazing with kids) and did a scope down p's nose to make sure it didn't puncture through his palette.  Looks good thus far.  It did go into the muscle.  He described how fatal this could have been with the carotid artery running along the back of the throat.  I never realized.   It is almost sounding like we may be able to go home and let it heal on its own?  

The rest of the story:

It turns out that they didn't want to do surgery.  The specialist said the throat heals itself amazingly well and that antibiotics were not even necessary.  Around 1am they decided to admit him to a room on the 12th floor for observation overnight.  It turns out they were much more concerned with a blood clot from any possible damage to the carotid artery, which could cause a stroke.  This freaks me out.  At Allegiance, they were going to just sew up his throat and send him home.  There was not a word mentioned about his carotid artery, how dangerous it could be etc.  I was so thankful that we were in the hands of specialists- specialists with the throat and specialists with children.   

I went home to get a few hours of sleep so I could photograph LeeAnn's birth in the morning.  Ryan stayed with Porter.   On Thursday they decided they wanted to keep him for the day for more observation.  After Aaron was born I drove up around 1:00 with Amelia and Hudson to pick up Porter.  

I am so so thankful that this didn't end up tragic.  It never crossed my mind that he could have bled out on our driveway had that hit a few millimeters deeper or to the side.  Thank God.  Thank God.  

Start of something good

Everyone knows life has its ups and downs
one day you're on top of world
and one day you're the clown

well I've been both enough to know
that you do'nt wanna get in teh way when its working out
the way that it is right now

I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should....

I'm starting to believe that
this could be the start of something good.

Each night before I go to bed I think to myself.... I don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I get to stay home with my babies.  I get to be my own boss.  And each day, as I blow a kiss to Porter as the school bus pulls away, as I snuggle Miss Amelia and chat with Hudson and pack up the van to go pick up Porter from school I think "I can't believe this is my life right now."

I really, truly can't.

I never ever in my life imagined myself a stay at home mom.  And, while I am still technically working, I am pretty much that- a stay at home mom.  Its crazy to me.  Crazy that we're trying this out.  Crazy that so far it's working.  Crazy that something I thought was so unobtainable, something that I sat with my therapist a year ago crying over, is now my reality.  It just took a leap of faith.  A big leap of faith.

"I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit 
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should..."

I have a lot of work ahead of me.... I have a business to revamp, I need to get myself back out on the market (after taking 6+ months off during pregnancy/maternity leave) and make a name for myself once again.  I have faith, though, that this will work and that I don't have to return to the work force outside of the home if I don't want to.  I know there will be sacrifices.  I know that there are things we're putting off for the time being (namely, paying on student loans... aaack.) but my babies are only babies for so long.  And it hurts my mama heart to think of them grown and not needing me anymore.  I want to freeze time.  I look at old pictures and I can't believe my boys are not toddlers anymore.  I won't get those years back.  Ever.  This is the only way I know to preserve time- to spend more with them.  I just hope and pray this is the right direction.

Today I contemplated my schedule.  I played legos with Hudson.  I blogged some memories.  I giggled with Amelia as she rolled around on the floor.  I responded to a few clients and facebooked a bit.  Hudson and I baked cookies.  I rocked my baby girl.  I worked on a project for the kids.  I watched my goofy boy ride his tractor.  I thought to myself as Hudson laughed and giggled with me today... I pray he remembers this. I pray he remembers the good days with me.  There are so many good days.  There are so many bad days, too. Days I feel defeated and feel like a failure.  Days I want to quit and run away.  But the good days, ohhh the good days.  The days that fill my heart with happiness until I feel like it will choke me.  I pray those are the days, the memories he keeps with him for always.

I'm not sure where things will go from here.  I know that I'm leaving my the ideal that I used to have for my life in the past.  I'm putting faith in this path that I've been put on.  I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to follow it to wherever it may lead. This time in my life right now, this new chapter that is beginning.... yes I believe it could be the start of something good.  Something real, real good.

November Recap

I feel like I've lost my voice or something... that blogging just doesn't seem to be my outlet lately.  I've kind of become more introverted the past month or so and even though there are lots of times I have things I want to blog I just don't seem to feel the desire to actually type it out.  It is frustrating to feel this way because I know time is slipping by and I'm not documenting these memories or small moments that I'll forget all too quickly.   So... before things get too far into Christmas, I need to do a little recap on November.

• I utterly failed NaBloPoMo.  What the hell.  I'm not sure you could even say I started!
• I utterly failed at my daily Thankful posts.  Again, lots of times I intentionally made a mental note of things I was thankful for (actually I bet on a daily basis!) but I never made the time to write it out.  

Let's see... what were the "big things" in November...

Christmas Parade in Jackson

This is the third (or 4th?) year that we've gone to the Christmas Parade downtown and I swear to goodness we get amnesia every year about how darn cold it actually is.  This year was really windy, and I didn't have a hat or even a really warm coat that actually zipped/buttoned up without making me look like a stuffed sausage.  (the coat I wore fit, but wasn't that warm).  The boys were bundled, but still cold.  And stupid me... wore shoes instead of my warm Uggs.  My feet FROZE and it wasn't until we were walking back to the car I thought WTF... I have BOOTS that are so WARM!  Next year we vow to put the boys in snowpants and bring blankets and hot cocoa.   Yeah.  I'm pretty sure we say that every year!

Regardless of the cold, the boys had so much fun.  This year the floats were really great as well!  I think this was the best year yet.  It cracked me up that the things the boys enjoyed the most  (and ooohed and aaahed over the most) were the tractors that were in the parade and the race cars.  I guess it shouldn't surprise me though!   We intended to meet the Dawson's downtown but they were unable to get across the road to our meeting spot, but we did end up next to a boy that Porter knew from school.  He had a lot of fun watching the parade with him.   

Next year.... warmer clothes and blankets!

Thanksgiving

This probably should have its own little post but I'm lumping it in with "November".   Again, we had dinner at our house.  One of my favorite holidays because both sides of our family gather together under one roof.  I was literally barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all day and by dinner time I was ready to just stuff my face and then go lay down.  In which I did do both those things quite well.   Everything really went off well... I was able to fit our new kids patio table in the dining room with the kids table from the playroom so everyone was able to eat in one room.  I even got crafty the night before and decorated the kids table up!  

Another favorite about Thanksgiving... the boys and all their cousins are together!  I am so thankful that they have so many cousins that are around their age, and that they love them!  I almost feel bad for Baby Girl because she'll be at least 4 years younger than everyone else.  However, I'm also so excited to see how adored she is because I know all these girl cousins are going to eat her up!

Annual Shopping with Lori

Ohhhh this year was a bust out!  Just like the past.... oh 5 years or so, Lori and I headed to Ann Arbor on Black Friday to hit up the resale shops.  We actually only went to one because I spent SOOO much money on darling little girl clothes (and everything was 25% off... BONUS!).  I walked in the door and said to Lori.... "This is the day I've been waiting for for sooo long!"  I was finally able to dig into those bazillions of girl clothes for myself!  

We spent a good 2 hours in the resale shop (some of which were spent consoling a crying pregnant woman who burst into tears talking to us about how disappointed she was to be having another girl...) and then we went to Red Robin for lunch.  YUM!  We also hit up Pier 1, Babies R Us (got more clothes... some pink Avent bottles and a bath thingy) and also JoAnn to get 2 bolts (12 yards) of fabric for the nursery curtains.  

Our evening wasn't done there.... we had mostaccioli for dinner and then Lori and I went back out shopping to the Toy House.  We then ran home, packed up the families and headed to the Christmas Lights at the fairgrounds.  This has become an annual tradition for us as well and I am always amazed at how well done the lights are!  Just when you think you've seen so many, there are more!

I truly am thankful for these special shopping days with Lori.  It isn't the same without Cathy, and I will always hold those memories dear, but I do love that Lori and I are continuing the tradition.  

Decorating the Tree

This year we had talked about getting back into the "real tree" mode for Christmas and take the boys to a tree farm to cut down a tree.  However... I really wanted to get decorated for Christmas over the long weekend and we were kind of feeling like we wanted to just get the tree up so we went with the fake tree... again.   Maybe next year?   

Just like last year, I realized that decorating the tree is not something I should do with the kids awake.  Let me rephrase that.  I should get the nitty gritty done (tree up, lights on) while the boys are in bed or away... and then let them dig through the boxes of ornaments.  They are always so excited to see all the ornaments they're digging through boxes and making messes and carrying ornaments all around the house.  It drives me nuts.  Also- thank goodness for the unbreakable ornaments that are ALSO beautiful.  Not only did the boys drop a ton, but I did as well.  One special ornament managed to get broken (a windmill from Holland) but lo and behold I had actually purchased 2 on that vacay so it didn't break my heart too much.  After all, it was an accident.

So there we have it... Hello Thanksgiving, love ya, muah, see ya later and Hellooooo Christmas!

First Snow of the Year  

The last day of November was a SNOW DAY!  Yeah!  While snow days used to be so dreaded to me (not because I don't want to get to stay home... but because I don't get paid if I'm not working)... but I've come to embrace them.  I love the unexpected day off of work to hang out at home with my boys in our pj's. 

The boys were SO excited to see snow on the ground.  I think we got around 5 inches or so?  Maybe?  They were up at 7 and were begging me to go outside.  The sun wasn't even up!  However, by 7:30am they had me out of bed and they were running around the house in their underwear screaming with excitement.  We all bundled up and were out in the snow by 7:45am.  WHEW!  Both of the boys loved shoveling the sidewalk and Porter ended up shoveling almost half of our driveway.  They spent a good 2 hours outside playing!  The rest of our day was spent inside by the fire, watching movies and doing a little laundry.  Perfect, perfect day.

Blog... what?

I have been so unmotivated to blog lately and I'm not sure why.  It probably has to do with the fact that I've been so ridiculously busy and our days/weekends have been crammed full (of good stuff!) but regardless... that is not an excuse.  I must blog more! 

Did you know November is NaBloPoMo?  National Blog Posting Month.  And I've already failed terribly.  Ah oh well. 

I also have failed miserably at posting my 30 Days of Thankfulness.  Blah!  Maybe I can catch up.  Let's see..

• Day 1:  We did this at dinner and all of us (including Dave) said things we were Thankful for.  I believe I said my family being all together for dinner. 

• Day 2:  I am thankful for my firstborn son, Porter.  His inquisitiveness and intellect make me smile every day.  He's so bright and fun loving and though he can irritate me at times, he brings so much happiness to my life. 
• Day 3:  I am thankful for my secondborn son, Hudson.  He's stubborn, silly and so loving.  He always has a book or car in his hand (wherever we go!) and is such a free spirit.  I love him so!
• Day 4:  I am thankful for quality time spent with my mom.  It doesn't happen too often so I really cherish it when I have it!
• Day 5:  I am thankful for time to get away with girlfriends!
• Day 6:  I am thankful for my amazing husband who stands by me and supports and loves me.  And he never fails to have a spotless clean home for me to come home to when I'm away!
• Day 7:  I'm thankful for pregnancy nausea that has subsided!  

 More later, folks. 

So much to be thankful for

It seems that everywhere I turn I am hearing sad news about families and children.  Cancer. Brain Tumors. Car accidents.  Shootings.  Drownings.  It is all so sad and overwhelming and humbling.  Eye opening.  There is so much to be thankful for.  So much life to enjoy- while you can.  Life can take terrifying turns in the blink of an eye and leave your world spinning.  I've said so many prayers in the past few weeks for so many people who are hurting, many I don't even know.  I just can't imagine.  I'm sure at some point they've said the same... "I just can't imagine."

It really makes me realize how short this life is and how precious it can be.  That every single day is a miracle and a gift, that we should enjoy it and savor it- every last minute of it.  We aren't promised tomorrow.  There is no guarantee.

Today, I'm thankful for this amazing life I'm living.  That I've had one more day to live it with the people I love dearly.

Supper Club Sunday

[[Today I am thankful for Supper Club, where the food is good, the conversation is knee-slapping and the friends are priceless.]]

Tonight (or, should I say last night... since I'm posting this on earrrrly Monday morning) we had our "1st Anniversary" of Supper Club.  One year ago we began this tradition, coincidentally at the Huff's house as well and coincidentally with the remaining 4 couples (The Collins dropped out a couple months ago because Sundays were too busy for them).  

We started dinner and Katie runs down the list of beverages she has.  I mention that maybe I'll have a rum and coke and she says to me "Yeah, you need one.  I was with you yesterday."  HAHAHA!  We all just cracked up... I had a rough day yesterday and was in a rotten mood.  Katie could tell right away... said to me at the Dahlem Center, out of the blue as we're watching the kids search for frogs in the pond... "I should have brought you a Xanax."  Gosh I love her!

As always, our conversations and wisecracks keep us laughing all throughout dinner.  It is so relieving to a) not have to make dinner one Sunday a month every 4 months and b) have one Sunday a month where it is ADULTS ONLY.   I am truly and honest to God thankful for these much-needed evenings where things can be said that we know won't be repeated, jokes can be made and we won't be offended and we can pick on eachother and not take it personally.  

I was bummed that none of us took a picture to commemorate our 1st year "anniversary".  Next month! 

Chaotic bliss... or just plain chaos

[[Today I am thankful for those that can understand and appreciate the chaos in life.]]

No pictures today.  Although pictures would make this post much more hilarious. 

Katie and I met up at the Dahlem Center with the boys this morning.  Right up their alley... wildlife and frogs and turtles and a nature trail.  Except Hudson is 2.  And he's 2.  Did I mention he's 2?  And 2 is taking over.  Literally.   

He didn't sleep well last night... he was up about 3 or 4 times with a horrendous bloody nose.  I mean blood pouring out in drips and soaking his shirt and getting all over his legs and diaper and bed.  Made for a sleepless night for both of us and we were both cranky this morning. 

The world was against Hudson today.  It really was. 

First we didn't drive the truck.  So Hudson yells at me that he doesn't WANT to see Katie!  I hate Katie!  He says.  WTF?  

So I ignore.  He's mad and he's... 2.  

We get to the end of our road.  God forbid... I turned the wrong frickin' way!  And he wails on..... "I don't WANT to go this way!  I want to go THAT WAY!" 

I ignore.  He's 2.  He's grumpy.  Frick he is 2.  Terrible 2's have never been so rotten sounding!

We get to the Dahlem Center and he's still pissed.  Pissed I pulled in the parking lot and parked.  Pissed we were there.  Pissed we were meeting Katie (poor Katie... she was the brunt of his rage today!). 

 We walked up to the building and walked around this little trail.  Took about 2 minutes and somewhere along the way Hudson got ticked about something and again, he's screaming.  

Then he didn't want to go inside the building to see the animals and the gift shop.  Yell yell yell.  Scream, cry, whine. 

Then we went on the nature trail... I'd say maybe MAYBE a half a mile?  Not even.  it was so short.  Halfway through, Hudson wanted me to carry him.  

I told him no.  

Pissed him right off.  So he sits down and pouts.  Nolan tried to convince him to come with us.  I wasn't playing games.  I left him right there and ignored him.  He finally caught up with us and was just sobbing.  He was having such a rough morning. 

We decided to grab some Mc D's and head to Betsy Butterfield.  I spread out my quilt that I keep in the van and we all pile on with our lunches.  The boys had wanted chicken nuggets.  That is, until Hudson saw my double cheeseburger.

"Can I have a bite that?" He says.  

"No thanks"  I say

And here we go again.... only this time he throws his face/head into the blanket... smack dab in the middle of my ketchup.  Literally... 3 packets of ketchup mushed on the top of his head.  Niiiice.

Adrian is all over... trying to grab everyone's food and drinks.  Katie and I are guarding things left and right. 

The kids go play and Nolan comes running over, legs waddling, "Take them off!  I'm all wet!  Hurry and get them off me!"  He had slid down the slide into a puddle.  So Katie takes his pants off, puts his tennis shoes back on and sends him to the playground in his diaper and shirt and tennis shoes.  We were cracking up!

Then Porter... oh my child with naughty words... he's playing with Donnie and says something like "I'm gonna catch those damn idiots!"  EEEEEKKK!  

So, here we are.... one kid with a ketchup mohawk, one running around in a diaper and shirt, another yelling obscenities.   Niiiice.  

I'm so thankful to have girlfriends who get it.  This chaos that is our life.  You must love it, you must.  

First ever conferences

[[Today I am thankful for my super smart pre-schooler]]

This afternoon I had conferences with Porter's teacher.  I knew it wasn't going to be anything "big"... after all, it is just preschool.  But, it was nice to have one-on-one time to talk about Porter's progress.  They were assessed with a Kindergarten assessment (I can't remember what it was called... started with a B I think??) so she told me to take any shortcomings with a grain of salt.  

• He knows and can identify all 26 (capital) letters of the alphabet.  He can recognize about 1/3 of the lowercase.  
• He knows his name, address, all his colors and can count to 16.
• He writes with his right hand.  This was interesting as at home he seems to go back and forth.  
• He was to draw shapes (an X, square, triangle, circle and diamond).  He was able to draw an X and the rest, not so well.  
• He did pretty good cutting out shapes (square and circle).  
• He's very sensitive.  He is typically the first to let the teacher know when someone is upset or not happy.
• He needs to work on sharing, especially the cars. 
• I LOVED seeing his self portrait and name.  Its very, very uhm, preschoolish?  I love it.  I can't wait to see the progress he makes by the end of the year!

All in all, he has made SO much progress in just 9 short weeks.  This summer his writing/coloring/drawing consisted of nothing more than a couple lines of scribbles on a paper.  Now he's attempting to draw THINGS, and writing his name (although very sick-and-circle like).  I put a little desk in his room, with a shelf above it and a little desk light.  I bought him a drawing pad and Twistables, and he just goes to town drawing things.  It is so amazing to watch him blossom so quickly!

Day 1: Today I am Thankful for...

[[Today I am Thankful for my mom who can visit often so that the miles don't seem so far apart.]]

I love our conversations and that we get each other's humor. So many of our conversations have us laughing to tears over stupid silly things that we find so funny but others just stare at us like we're crazy.  I love her and I'm so thankful she is my mom.