thankful | september 30

A few years ago when I was seeing a therapist, she suggested I write down 3 things I'm thankful for at the end of the day.  The purpose was to focus my mind and heart on the positives from the day.  To see the successes, no matter how small.  I've kind of been in a rut lately and feel like I need to refocus a bit.  I don't think I'll do this daily, but whenever I feel negativity creeping in I'm going to try to document the good, the positive, the uplifting.  So, for today.... no matter how insignificant:

1. This morning when I realized it was picture day for Porter, and I told him he'd have to wear the polo I had picked out for his school pictures instead of the outfit he'd picked out.... he accepted without a hitch.  No whining, no tantrum, no questions.
   
2. Hudson conquered his fear of going upstairs alone to get his parrot that he wanted to take to school after I told him it was time to leave and I didn't have time to go upstairs with him.  He had the choice to go upstairs alone or go to school without.  And he mustered up his bravery and ran upstairs alone.  CHEER!!
   
3. I've had an eye opening day... realizing what amazing women I'm in the presence of daily. Seeing one of my best friends reach a goal she's worked SO hard for, and deserves more than anyone.  Seeing two of my girls take on and replicate leadership skills.... it literally brought tears to my eyes.  And finally, I'm doing a pay it forward with some lavender oil I brought home from France.  One of the requirements is that my team has to pay it forward as well, and be nominated for the oil.  And reading through the nominations.... seeing how uplifting and kind these women are, how they cheer each other on, how they encourage and congratulate and acknowledge each other. This just makes my heart so happy.  Its hard, with women, to find friends who do that for you.  To find a group of people who can be truly happy for each other. Who can celebrate successes, encourage each other and tell each other openly that they're proud of them.   Truly makes my heart happy.  

Start of something good

Everyone knows life has its ups and downs
one day you're on top of world
and one day you're the clown

well I've been both enough to know
that you do'nt wanna get in teh way when its working out
the way that it is right now

I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should....

I'm starting to believe that
this could be the start of something good.

Each night before I go to bed I think to myself.... I don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I get to stay home with my babies.  I get to be my own boss.  And each day, as I blow a kiss to Porter as the school bus pulls away, as I snuggle Miss Amelia and chat with Hudson and pack up the van to go pick up Porter from school I think "I can't believe this is my life right now."

I really, truly can't.

I never ever in my life imagined myself a stay at home mom.  And, while I am still technically working, I am pretty much that- a stay at home mom.  Its crazy to me.  Crazy that we're trying this out.  Crazy that so far it's working.  Crazy that something I thought was so unobtainable, something that I sat with my therapist a year ago crying over, is now my reality.  It just took a leap of faith.  A big leap of faith.

"I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit 
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should..."

I have a lot of work ahead of me.... I have a business to revamp, I need to get myself back out on the market (after taking 6+ months off during pregnancy/maternity leave) and make a name for myself once again.  I have faith, though, that this will work and that I don't have to return to the work force outside of the home if I don't want to.  I know there will be sacrifices.  I know that there are things we're putting off for the time being (namely, paying on student loans... aaack.) but my babies are only babies for so long.  And it hurts my mama heart to think of them grown and not needing me anymore.  I want to freeze time.  I look at old pictures and I can't believe my boys are not toddlers anymore.  I won't get those years back.  Ever.  This is the only way I know to preserve time- to spend more with them.  I just hope and pray this is the right direction.

Today I contemplated my schedule.  I played legos with Hudson.  I blogged some memories.  I giggled with Amelia as she rolled around on the floor.  I responded to a few clients and facebooked a bit.  Hudson and I baked cookies.  I rocked my baby girl.  I worked on a project for the kids.  I watched my goofy boy ride his tractor.  I thought to myself as Hudson laughed and giggled with me today... I pray he remembers this. I pray he remembers the good days with me.  There are so many good days.  There are so many bad days, too. Days I feel defeated and feel like a failure.  Days I want to quit and run away.  But the good days, ohhh the good days.  The days that fill my heart with happiness until I feel like it will choke me.  I pray those are the days, the memories he keeps with him for always.

I'm not sure where things will go from here.  I know that I'm leaving my the ideal that I used to have for my life in the past.  I'm putting faith in this path that I've been put on.  I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to follow it to wherever it may lead. This time in my life right now, this new chapter that is beginning.... yes I believe it could be the start of something good.  Something real, real good.

This life rocks because...

2/21/2011

• A healthy, active birthday boy today!
• Hearing "You're the best, Mom!" melts my heart
• A great friend who braves (and is totally not phased by) the chaos with (for!) me
• A sweet email from CK that made my day a million times brighter than it already was.
• No School for Presidents Day!
• Yummy homemade cake

2/22/2011

• A little boy who always gives me a big kiss and hug and reminds me to "Drive Safely" when I leave home
• A husband who adjust his schedule for me
• Great therapy sessions
• Naps
• Connecting and chatting with a long distant blog friend

2/23/2011

• Leaving the house chaos and mommy-tantrum free
• Amazing sitters who care for my boys while I work
• (more to come later... its only lunchtime!)

This life rocks because...

Don't mind me for my optimism.  Part of therapy, and I thought I'd document it because the little things ARE the big things. 

Tuesday 2.15.11

• The sun is shining
• The boys can play together outside by themselves
• Bedtime stories and snuggles in my bed with the boys. Falling asleep with them after storytime.
• Talks with great friends
• Crossing things off the To Do list

Wedensdsay 2.16.11

• Porter randomly recites lines from movies
• Andy's pizza
• Weekly dinners with Dave
• Evening naps on the couch watching movies
• Long walks in the fresh air

Thursday 2.17.11

• I feel spring in the air!
• Vacation plans
• Grandma always makes sure she has Wintergreen Life Savers in her car for me!
• Thursdays are my Fridays!