the birth of Eloise Claire | part 3

Around 12:30 or 1am (it's blurry) I get my epidural.  The nurse checks me and I'm about 6cm dilated.   With my last 2 epidurals I felt nothing of contractions, even when I pushed.  This time, I kept feeling pressure.  Like, why am I feeling pressure?!?  

After my epidural was all set, Ryan came back in and Jaclyn, the photographer was there as well.  I felt relieved knowing I had drug relief and Jaclyn had made it before I delivered.  

My contractions subsided after about 15 minutes and Ryan went to get something to eat while I relaxed/rested/chatted with Jaclyn.  

LeeAnn stopped down to visit around 1:45.  Shortly after that, I think around 2, I started feeling a lot more pressure during contractions. The nurse checked me again and I was 7.5cm.  She said she would catheter me to see if that helped dilate me the rest of the way and get my bladder out of the way.  Everyone left the room and as soon as my bladder was empty I felt a huge amount of pressure.  This all freaked me out because I have always felt totally numb.... nothing.... During my last 2 deliveries. (With Porter I pushed for 2.5 hours so I don't remember much of that, but I don't remember feeling this much pressure or pain that's for sure). 

The nurse checked me again and sure enough I was 9.5cm.  They called the doctor in and Ryan and Jaclyn came back in.   It felt like a bit mush of chaos.  I was starting to freak out because my sweet nurse took away my epidural button and I was not dealing with the pain too well.  I felt like I was going to split apart.  

I started to feel a huge urge to push and knew that if I did she would be here as quick as that.  I watched the doctor sit on his stool and take his time putting on his hat.  I wondered why they weren't rushing faster.  Maybe they were but I was too panicked to realize.  I don't know.  

Everything else was kind of a blur.  I remember thinks (or maybe saying) that I couldn't do this.  That I needed more drugs.  That I was going to die.  I remember wanting to just shake myself off the bed and be done.  I remember holding someone's hand and gripping hard.  I remember my sweet girl entering the world quickly... By the 2nd push they laid her on my chest and there she was.  So tiny and perfect and complete.   

I remember gasping for air and feeling so relieved that it was over, and so overwhelmed that she was finally here.  This little one, she was the one we were waiting for.  She was the unexpected.  The one we didn't know we were missing but now, now she completes us.  

Eloise Claire

5lbs 15oz

19"long

Born 5.24.15 at 2:16am

[photograph by Jaclyn Michele Photography]

The birth of Eloise Claire | part 2

We left the Clemons' house at 9:47 (I was somewhat timing contractions but not really because well I'm the only sober adult remember?) and by the time I got Amelia's bag packed and Heather picked her up, and got some of my own things placed, it was ohhhh 10:30 when we were ready to leave.  Oh, and Ryan had showered.  I already instructed him on the way home to shower because alcohol.  At this point I was afraid my contractions were too uncomfortable for me to drive so holy mother of Mary, Ryan drove us to the hospital.  I was a littl worried that this was going to progress fast.  With Hudson and Amelia, the doctor broke my water a few hours into labor and they were born within 2 or 3 hours.  Gah!   

We got to the hospital and Ryan is all wanting to drop me off.  No. Just park.  I can walk.  He finds a spot and decides he should BACK THE YUKON IN.  Oh my word.  He made it, luckily, but way to irritate me.  We go in the ER entrance bc they lock up the front entrance to the hospital.  I was instructed by the l&d nurse to just head up to the 4th floor.  Ryan, however, is insistent I need a wheelchair even though I'm about to waddle my ass away from him and leave him there talking to an ER nurse with a wheel chair.  The nurse comes at me with the wheel chair and I'm all "I AM JUST FINE I DONT NEED A WHEELCHAIR!" (Seriously I am fine.... I can walk and breathe through my contractions. I am, however, highly irritated that my husband is making a big deal of this.).

We get to the 4th floor and I tell him just to shut his mouth and not talk... I've got this under control and I don't need to be any more irritated by his half drunken stupor.   A sweet nurse, Libby, takes me into a room to make sure it's amniotic fluid (hello.  Contractions are 3min apart and I'm like don't talk to me during them so I can breathe. This is labor if this isn't my 4th kid...)

Some foreign doctor comes in, Dr. Rashandwa!?, and starts asking really dumb questions like "what brings you in here tonight? So, you think you're in labor, correct? And is asking me questions during my contractions.   I'm staring at the ceiling thinking.... This can't be happening.  I have a drunk husband, this is my LAST BABY.  My LAST DELIVERY.   And thus doctor is also incompetent and I'm highly irritated with everyone in this room except sweet Libby.  Can Libby and I have a baby together?!?

 Luckily, he is not the delivery doctor.   By this time it is 11:30pm.   He checks me and I'm 4cm and 80% effaced.  I can't remember what this is supposed to mean but I know that I'm in more and more pain by each contraction and I'm paranoid I am not going to have time to get an epidural.   I text Paige back to give her an update as I last left her hanging with a phone call about leaky water.   My husband has been on am his phone typing quite a bit so I'm sure he's half drunk face booking and half updating everyone in the world with our riot of a birth story progress.  

I get into a delivery room and the next hour is kind of a blur.  I remember being pretty calm and collected during contractions, and then suddenly realizing that it usually takes what seems like forever for the anesthesiologist to come in and starting to panic that I'm not going to get an epidural and I will have to deliver in horrific pain.  I start to cry instead of breathing during contractions and beg my nurses to just get the epidural here.  The anesthesiologist comes in and I'm watching every move he makes, wishing he would hurry the hell up.  

the birth of Eloise Claire | part 1

Well, we ALMOST got our 23rd of the month birthday baby.... Almost!   Hudson's birthday is 5/20, porters is 2/21 and Amelia's is 4/22.  We were rooting for 5/23 for this little one but we missed it by 2hrs and 16 minutes.  Although..... if she were a west coast baby we could have made it haha!

This past week had been a rough one.  Is been feeling pretty depressed and withdrawn, just done with the world.  Done being pregnant.  Done being huge and uncomfortable and grumpy.  Our house had been torn apart to have new floors put in, so that was irritating me (having furniture in all the wrong rooms and nowhere to walk comfortably through).   

Saturday, Ryan and the boys went over to a friends house to help put a railing on their deck. Amelia and I stayed behind, cleaning the house and we took a nice nap in the afternoon.  After our nap, we went with Jamie and the boys to play putt putt golf.   It was nowhere near as fun or relaxing as i had imagined.  Amelia was either a hole in front of us or behind us, or in the middle of the boys' way.  Hudson just wanted to putt putt and have fun (he'd only gone one other time), and the 3 older boys argued most of the time about keeping score and who was cheating and what not.  After golf, we took all 5 kids to Meijer (mind you I already needed a drink by this point) and then headed back to Jamie and Tony's house to grill dinner. 

The evening was relaxing... Us girls chatted, the guys had some drinks and grilled, the kids played in the yard.   Great evening.  Around 8 or so noticed I was leaking fluid a little.  It wasn't like I was losing my bladder.... I've been dealing with that crap for the past 3 months.  I called Paige and asked her what to do...  She suggested wrapping it up there and heading home soon.  I didn't think it was that urgent of an issue.  I just rolled up some toilet paper to soak up and little leaking and voila haha!  Around 9 I started having some mild contractions.  Mind you, my husband had been drinking all. Freaking. Day.   So he was totally lit.  It's a long weekend, we've been with friends all day.... My due date isn't for 2 more weeks.  All of a sudden, I started just gushing water on the floor.  Holy embarrassing.  It was quite hilarious as well... All the kids are like "why are you peeing on the floor?!" Haha!   

Luckily, Jamie and Tony offered to keep the boys (well actually all 3 kiddos but I wasn't sure if Amelia would stay in a strange place), so I texted my sister to have her pick Amelia up.  At this point I was just wanting to get home so I could leak fluid in the privacy of my own home, not with our friends bath towel stuck between my legs in a crowd of people.  Imagine, though, my drunk and overly concerned husband freaking out about me driving home.  Our friend Mike was insistent he would drive us to the hospital.  Kids are running all around, wondering what the heck is going on.  I'm trying to find Amelia, waddling through the yard with a bath towel between my legs, growling at Ryan and Mike that I am So Fine To Drive Myself Home.  Hahahaha!  It was a hot mess.  

We finally got on the road (we only live about 10 min away) and by the time we got home and I had thrown some random clothes and necessities in a bag (why do I never have any idea what to pack??), my contractions were getting pretty strong and uncomfortable.  I texted my birth photographer (who was 2 hours away) and let the hospital know we were on our way. 

Stay tuned for Part 2.  

why do i need an excuse?

Well this is crazy that this quote/blog post popped up in my feed this morning. I literally just got back from my 28 week appt with baby #4 and my doc (a male) asked me if I plan to nurse or bottle feed. I told him bottle feed (I formula feed by choice. My breasts get ginormous during pregnancy and even worse when my milk comes in and I just can't stand the back pain... and I just want my body back. Selfish? Sure. But it's my body).

He gave me a nice lecture about how they recommend breast feeding and how it passes on antibodies to the baby and increases bonding yadda yadda yadda... I sat there nodding my head, feeling like I was being scolded. If I'd had the balls (or brain cells to think of this quickly) I'd have cut him off and let him know I have 3 growing, happy, super healthy children who are very intelligent and bonded to their mother and I'm pretty damn sure I'm capable of deciding how to feed my 4th. And I probably would have/should have thrown in there "So you're saying your bond with your children is not so great because you obviously don't have boobs to feed them with". GRRARRR. 

Well what great timing to see this post in my feed this morning.  I could have written her exact feelings:


"I’m a stay at home mother. I have the “time.” My older two are in school five days a week. I’m white, college educated......I’m SUPPOSED to breastfeed.  And I don’t want to."

Believe me.  I've read allll the articles, blog posts, studies... touting how brilliantly smart breastfed babies are (a whopping 4 IQ points.  Woah.  Totally bet that'll get them into an Ivy League College on that credential alone!).  I know it passes on all sorts of goodness to the baby.  I hear the preaching about how amazingly bonded all these breastfed babies are with their mothers (as if formula fed babies are fed by a machine HA!). I'm not an idiot.   I'm informed.  And I still make my own choice.  

For the most part, I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks.  I don't feel guilty.   Do I wish I wanted to breastfeed?  Of course.  Do I wish I had the desire to suck up the pain, the backaches, the sore nipples, the inconvenience, the constant attachment... to experience nursing?  Absolutely.   But I know myself.  I know I'm a better mom because I choose to formula feed.   I NEED my body back.  I NEED my boobs back to a halfway normal size.  I enjoy the freedom that bottle feeding gives me, my husband and my kids.  There wouldn't BE any bonding between mother and baby because I'm pretty certain this mama would be committed for going crazy if I was forced to nurse.  

Since my last 3 appointments I've been questioned about wearing my seatbelt (yes, I do.... is this a thing.... Pregnant Women Boycotting Seatbelts??) I'm certain the nursing/bottle feeding question is going to come up again in the future.  And I'm prepared for the shaming at the hospital.  As with each of my kids' deliveries... the pressure/looks have gotten worse at the hospital when I tell them I have chosen to formula feed from the get-go.  With our hospital being a "Baby-Friendly Hospital", I'm pretty certain that this baby's delivery is going to be uuuber awkward with nurses.  Thank god this is my last.  I can't imagine in the coming years the lectures that will be pressured onto mothers for the choices they make.    I'm preparing myself with my defense statement and going to cut off the lecture at the get go.  My choice is made, and I don't need a lecture to tell me you disapprove.   Get over it :) 

Names names names...

Why is it so hard to name a baby??   The boys seemed so easy.  Porter we pretty much knew we'd name him Porter.   We took awhile to officially settle on the name only because we were afraid it was too "different".   Hudson was a runner up for Porter, so when we were having Hudson we pretty much knew we'd go with Hudson, but again... there was about a month of debating other names. But... Hudson always was the go-to.  

Amelia... she wasn't named until she was born.  Although... I guess I kind of knew that's what we'd settle on only because it was the only name we could agree on.  I really was pushing for Norah but Ryan said no.  So, when Amelia was born he looked at me and said "So... is it Amelia?" And I could tell he really wanted it to be Amelia so that's what she was.

And this baby... well... I have no clue.  I still like Norah but maybe not AS much as I did when Amelia was born.  And Ryan isn't a huge fan.  I have a list of names I've kind of narrowed my ideas down to, but... we'll see.  

Here's the things I keep thinking of.

Porter Evan  (2 syllable, 2 syllable)
Hudson Riley  (2 syllable, 2 syllable)
Amelia Jane  (4 syllable, 1 syllable)

... all have 6 letter first names.  I really liked Norah Lucille for Amelia because it'd fulfill the 2 syllable, 2 syllable (though not 6 letters!)... but alas, we went with Amelia.  So.  I think... we could go with a 4 syllable girl name, or a 6 letter girl name.  I really don't want to do a P or an H because sometimes when I write lists/notes/texts etc I use "P" or "H" or "AJ" for the kids.  So... if we had another P or H it would mess that up.  I also don't really want a name that can be shortened naturally to a nickname (like.. Madison/Maddy, Kimberly/Kim, Abigail/Abby etc).  I'm weird.  I know.   HAHA!

So... here is a list of names.   Some are names that are seriously on "my" list.  Some are names that I'm going to throw out there to just add in :)  I'm not sure if we'll tell her name until after she's born so... we'll see.

Norah
Ellery
Eloise
Hazel
Charlotte
Aria
Violet
Mallory
Elodie
Melody
Alice
Cora
Kathleen
Eden

18 weeks | It's a.....

We were finally able to get a good peek at this little one.  I knew I wanted to do something fun to tell the kids if they were going to have a new brother or sister... so I decided to do a cake and put colored frosting in the middle.

We told the kids they'd find out if the baby was a boy or girl when we cut into the cake.  Porter said "So, wait... are there going to be baby CLOTHES in the cake... or is it frosting?"  HAHA!  

The video of this is really hilarious, so if you're a Facebook friend, check it out.  Cracks me up.

Porter said he wanted a boy.  Amelia says brother and Hudson wants a girl.  Hudson also said we need a girl so there are 2 boys and 2 girls... but then we need another boy then another girl. HA!  I asked where all these babies were going to sleep and he said "Eh, in the basement."

Porter pulled the server out of the cake and it was..... PINK!   We're having another GIRL!  

Porter scrunches his nose and says "Aughhh!  A stupid girl!"  Amelia just stares at the cake like... yum yum yum.... and Hudson is all grins... HUGE grin.   I say "It's a girl!" And Hudson raises his arms and screams "YAY!"  Amelia copies him.  Porter does a face plant into the table.

Poor bud was embarrassed afterward... he cried into the table for a bit and then felt embarrassed for how he acted.  :(   It is kind of funny to me that he's so bummed because he just adores Amelia.   However, I think he's worried about having another SIBLING... he kept saying "I don't want to have 3 siblings!"  Hopefully he'll have a change of heart once she arrives.  I think he'll be wrapped around her finger like he has been with Amelia (though... she's gotten into that stinker age where she's getting into the boys' things and being a pest in general).

For the past week or so (maybe a little longer) I've been feeling little flutters from the baby.  I forget how sweet that is!  I'll enjoy the next couple months before it becomes full on jabs and stretches and rib and crotch kicks HAHA!

13 weeks

I had my 13 week appointment on Wednesday.  Heartbeat was in the 160's and everything else was normal.  I went in to see LeeAnn Thursday night to take a peek at the baby.  He/She was being super wiggly and we weren't able to get a very good picture of the baby.  He/She was in a really awkward position and kind of upside down.   Have you heard of "the Angle of the Dangle"?   It's pretty fascinating!   We tried it with Amelia and I *think* we were accurate... but heck if I remember (I'd have to pull out her ultrasound pics).   We attempted to peek at this one but he/she wasn't giving us a super great side view.  I'm so glad I got to see this little one wiggling and moving all around.   Makes it feel more real (as if feeling like a huge 80 year old whale didn't feel real enough....).

I started an ExpectNet game to see what everyone thinks the baby will be, when it'll be born and how much he or she will weigh. I loved doing these games with the other kiddos pregnancies!

Cravings:  Nothing major recently... nothing that I "HAVE" to have.  

Symptoms/Feelings:   My hip issues are already starting.   I have begun to see the chiropractor (Which Amelia calls the "firecracker") at least once a week.  I do need to go again for the 2nd time this week.  Boobs are still hurting and huge.  I haven't been sleeping well either... quite a few nights in a row I have been waking up a couple times a night.  Makes for some unproductive and exhausting days.  

Changes:  Between my huge boobs and huge belly, my regular shirts end up too short on me.  I finally went shopping and got some maternity shirts and have ordered a few pair of pants off eBay.  

Baby right now, at 13 weeks, is the size of a peach

12 weeks

Cravings:  

Bread, cheese, cereal and milk.   Pizza sauce/spaghetti sauce give me heartburn and acid reflux.  I still eat it though, just not a ton.  I've also craved Arby's roast beef sandwiches and Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches.  

Symptoms/Feelings:  

Heartburn. UGH.  Peppermint oil has been my lifesaver here.  A drop under the tongue and wash it down with water helps super quick.   My boobs.. SORE and huge. Gross.  I remember why I hate pregnancy.   My sense of smell has been like super-sized.  CRAZY.  I haven't been as tired or nauseous lately which is a plus!

Changes:  I feel huge.  Still looking more fat than pregnant.  Gross.  

Baby right now, at 12 weeks, is the size of a plum

9 weeks

I feel like this had been the longest pregnancy ever.  I feel old and aged.  But technically it probably will be the longest pregnancy ever since I've practically been pregnant since the end of July.  With a two week miscarriage between the end of August/beginning of September and then pregnant again right after.   So. Yeah.  Longest pregnancy ever. 

I started this pregnancy thinking.  I don't need to gain an ounce.  I'm going to watch what I eat.  I'll exercise.   And then, like with the rest of my pregnancies but 10 times worse, the exhaustion and nausea hit.   I was going to bed at 8 every night and eating non stop during the day because a full tummy was the only thing that got rid of nausea (but then I was constantly uncomfortable because I was full). At almost 10 weeks I can kind of see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't have the extreme urge to nap everyday on top of sleeping 10 hours a night.  I do try not to walk into my room after putting Amelia down for a nap because my bed always looks so amazingly comfortable and the dim room after closing the curtains is just so cozy and relaxing.  

I've been getting constant heartburn and acid reflux.  It sucks.  Peppermint oil has been a HUGE help (put a drop under my tongue and then drink water). Literally everything I eat makes me acidy.   I crave cereal and milk (fruit loops!).  And I was craving bread-- anything breadlike.  That has lessens a little.  

the best sound ever

This morning I had an ultrasound to figure out dates of our 4th little one.  Since I got pregnant so quickly after my miscarriage in August, we didn't have any dates to go on.  I was nervous to go to the ultrasound... I was terrified there wouldn't be a baby. I was guessing I was somewhere near 7/8 weeks along, so I was hoping that the heartbeat would be able to be heard.

I never thought I'd be so excited to hear a heartbeat in my life.  I saw the little flicker on the screen and I got teary eyed.  I was measuring 7 weeks 1 day, and the heartbeat was 150bpm.  YAY!  My due date is June 7, 2015.  I'm praying for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and hopefully very minimal weight gain.  GAH.   I'm kind of disgusted because I truly could gain NOTHING this pregnancy and  be heavy enough.  I'm going to have to do some serious weight loss and toning after this baby arrives!