sistering

Bear with me here.   My mind and heart are so full at the moment I feel it may explode.  You see, I’ve had an amazing weekend.   Again.  WORKING.   What’s that?  Yes.   Working.  This weekend has been a mixture of Hustle and Heart… digging in and doing hard work and collaborating and brainstorming with amazing women I have the pleasure of working with on a daily basis.  And digging in and doing hard emotional stuff that digs down deep to the core of you and leaves you raw and exposed and not the same as you were before.  

My job as a Lemon Dropper… our team puts on these amazing FUEL events (Fire Up Everything in Life) and I had only planned on attending the Chicago one.  However, when I found out Kelly secured Glennon Melton (THE Momastery writer) for Orlando Fuel, I was in.  I booked my flight and I was in.  

Glennon was amazing.  I mean, how couldn’t she be?  She’s amazing.   She made me reflect and think and cry and laugh hysterically, sometimes all in the same minute.  She said something this weekend, though, that really hit me.  She was talking about how we, as women, tend to judge ourselves so harshly.   We look at others and we judge ourselves because we aren’t like them, or our lives aren’t like theirs.   We see everyones “highlight reel” on social media and feel like we aren’t enough.   We start to feel like those that make choices that differs from ours means that they’re doing things better.   She told this hilarious story about not having it all together (surprise HAHA!) and feeling like this mom at the mall was feeding her “perfect” child an avocado as a dig at her.  She said…. we see these glimpses of things that are different than our journey, and we feel like those people are doing those things “at” us.  She said… No one is breastfeeding “AT YOU”.  No one is organic eating “AT YOU”.  No one is stay at home mom-ing “AT YOU”.  No one is vacationing “AT YOU”.  No one is dressing perfectly “AT YOU”.  We have to stop letting other women and their life choices be a reflection of what we don’t see in the mirror.   We have to stop judging ourselves based on their pretty, or their money, or their perfect, or their success, or their talent.  And…. we have to stop hating them for it too.  We have to be able to see and appreciate the beauty that they possess and the unique beauty that we, too, possess.  H.E.L.L.O!  

Mothering is hard.  We can’t bear the weight of life all alone and spend our lives in competition with others that are not like us.  Another thing she was saying was:  In carpentry, walls are built on joists.  Joists are where two pieces of wood join together to bear the weight of a load above it.  When the joist is too weak to bear the weight of the load, the carpenter will put a a board on one side of it.  If that isn’t enough, they’ll put another board on the other side of it.   Do you know what this is called?  SISTERING! Sistering.  Seriously.   What a perfect word, because isn’t that what our girlfriends do?  When life is hard, they come and stand beside you and they help you bear the weight of the load you are too weak to carry.  We have to stop being at odds with each other as women and we have to stand together, beside each other, and support each other.   Life is so heavy.  And messy.  And HARD.   We are going to need our sisters to survive it.  

My word this just about hit me upside the head.   And you know what happened this weekend?  A lot of sistering.   As we had dinner Saturday night, and I ended in tears about how NOT together I felt I was, how crazy life felt for me, how out of control I felt with things…. my girls… they were there beside me, standing there, giving me words of advice and encouragement and supporting me while I was weak.  Its so hard to admit I’m weak and broken and imperfect. I’m so blessed to have these girls by my side.  

As I leave Orlando and reflect on the amazing relationships I have with these women… these sisters… I realize that this is what its all about.  Coming together, working together, supporting each other.  SISTERING.   My heart is heavy as I give hugs and say goodbyes, knowing that little pieces of my heart are hopping on planes and scattering across the country back to their homes and families.  And I, too, will head home to my sweet family that I’ve missed.   I know, despite the difference, they are there beside me, sistering when I need them.  And I can’t wait to see them again, to hug their necks again.  What a blessed life I have.  

happy 2 year anniversary, lemon droppers!

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the Lemon Droppers. Two years ago my friend Lindsay Teague Moreno came up with an idea... a plan... a DREAM.... that would change the world of essential oils and ultimately the lives of hundreds of thousands of people. I'm one of those lives.

I joined the Lemon Droppers in April 2013 and in the past 23 months my life has evolved into something I never imagined possible.

I've turned my family into oil obsessed fools (we use oils like we're freaking granola hippies. WHAT? That is so not us!).

We've learned so much about using essential oils and how to replace so many OTC medications in our home. We don't rush to the doctor when we get sick... we know with a majority of ailments we can take care of it at home- naturally and more quickly than with OTC/prescriptions- if we begin oil use early and apply often.

I've build a business that gives me the flexibility to live my life the way I've always dreamed of.

I have made a job I love and never want to stop thinking about.

This team... my job... has allowed my husband to quit his life-sucking J-O-B and work from home with me.

We've been able to pay off debt and student loans that I'd come to terms would take me decades- or until my death- to pay off.

I've formed relationships and strengthened friendships with some of the kindest, most encouraging, supportive people ever.

I have and will be traveling to places I never thought would be possible.

It is amazing, really, to think that so much could and has happened in the past two years. I'm forever thankful and so blessed to be a part of this team. To be able to experience all that life has to offer and to live life the way we want to. You only get one shot at this life. Go big or go home, and make the most of it! I can't wait to see what the next 2 years has in store. Without a doubt, it's going to be big and life changing.

you belong

Remember that time I was in Utah filming some videos with an awesome tribe of Lemon Droppers? When we first got our script, I'm pretty sure there wasn't a dry eye in the room. There may have been a few sobs from one preggo Lemon Dropper. This... this speaks to me. This is our heart. This is what it's all about.

“We’re not just about business. We’re a tribe. A clan. A family.”

Two years ago I was at a really REALLY low spot in my life. I was working from home in an oversaturated field (photography... you know it.... have SLR, become photographer... talent or not) in a market area where quick and cheap rules. Making ends meet was barely happening. My kids had been sick all winter and at the time, my oldest was home with a sore throat.

That day in April, when I had all 3 kiddos home with me, feeling lost and overwhelmed and like I was on a dead end road to forever being in debt, forever feeling like I was overworked, underpaid and under-appreciated- that day I took a huge leap of faith. Multiple things over the previous few weeks had pointed me to essential oils and after a long phone conversation with a friend (Michelle Heroff Sauer), I decided to charge my essential oil kit and try it out.

What I didn't know was that decision would change so many things in my life beyond our health. It changed friendships. It changed our habits. It changed our comfort zones. It changed our view on life. It changed our jobs. It changed our life. IT CHANGED OUR LIFE.

To say that investing in this little (awesome) kit of oils (because back then we didn't even get a diffuser with our kit!) changed me for the better is the truth. This team, these amazing, talented, strong, brave, funny, kind, encouraging women (and a few men!) have made me into a much better version of myself. We are all better today because of this crazy team called the Lemon Droppers. Because to be honest, that's what this business is all about- the people. Everything else, the health, the money, the rewards, the perks, the events, it’s all icing on the cake. The people are the core of the Lemon Droppers and they will always be. And, at the core of us, don’t we just want to belong to someone or something?

So, thank you, Lemon Droppers. Thank you for believing in me. For dreaming with me. For pushing me. For cheering me on. For empowering me. For trusting me. Thank you.

https://vimeo.com/123219458

thankful | september 30

A few years ago when I was seeing a therapist, she suggested I write down 3 things I'm thankful for at the end of the day.  The purpose was to focus my mind and heart on the positives from the day.  To see the successes, no matter how small.  I've kind of been in a rut lately and feel like I need to refocus a bit.  I don't think I'll do this daily, but whenever I feel negativity creeping in I'm going to try to document the good, the positive, the uplifting.  So, for today.... no matter how insignificant:

1. This morning when I realized it was picture day for Porter, and I told him he'd have to wear the polo I had picked out for his school pictures instead of the outfit he'd picked out.... he accepted without a hitch.  No whining, no tantrum, no questions.
   
2. Hudson conquered his fear of going upstairs alone to get his parrot that he wanted to take to school after I told him it was time to leave and I didn't have time to go upstairs with him.  He had the choice to go upstairs alone or go to school without.  And he mustered up his bravery and ran upstairs alone.  CHEER!!
   
3. I've had an eye opening day... realizing what amazing women I'm in the presence of daily. Seeing one of my best friends reach a goal she's worked SO hard for, and deserves more than anyone.  Seeing two of my girls take on and replicate leadership skills.... it literally brought tears to my eyes.  And finally, I'm doing a pay it forward with some lavender oil I brought home from France.  One of the requirements is that my team has to pay it forward as well, and be nominated for the oil.  And reading through the nominations.... seeing how uplifting and kind these women are, how they cheer each other on, how they encourage and congratulate and acknowledge each other. This just makes my heart so happy.  Its hard, with women, to find friends who do that for you.  To find a group of people who can be truly happy for each other. Who can celebrate successes, encourage each other and tell each other openly that they're proud of them.   Truly makes my heart happy.  

Winter Updates

• Hudson has become such an awesome reader.  He's blown through the sight word list at school and is reading Junie B Jones books on his own.  So proud of him!   His newest thing is the where's Waldo book and reading the lists in the back to find "extra" things to search for
  
• Porter has also turned into a huge reader lately.  He really likes the magic treehouse books.  He will go through multiple chapters in one sitting.  I often find the boys reading at night and can't bear to make them go to bed when they're voluntarily reading!
  
• Lately the boys have been sharing a room.  I love that every once in awhile they decide they want each others company.  I love peeking in before bed and seeing them sleeping in the same room
  
• Winter has been long.  Too long.  I'm itching to get out of the house and itching for some major changes.  I go from wanting to move out of state to remodeling our house to redecorating rooms to moving to a new house in michigan.  Ryan's feeling it too as he tore apart our 5th bedroom in the basement to drywall it.  And he's great at tear out but apparently hasn't had the motivation to work on the rebuilding part.
  
• Ry is looking into transferring to a different branch of his company- in North Carolina.  We've always wanted to move there but just haven't had the opportunity nor guts. Well, my job is providing far more than any outside the home job could and lucky for me I can work anywhere.  I'm excited at the opportunity but so nervous about the thought of leaving family.  I'm just not sure.
  
• Adding another cup of water to the soup, we've begun exploring the local foster to adopt agencies near us.  I've always wanted to adopt a little girl from china and always have felt like I have a daughter that isn't biological to me out there somewhere that belongs in our family.  Ryan is adopted, though he's never felt a huge pull to adopt.  Or maybe any at all if I'm being truthful.  The biggest reason I've never thought it'd be part of our life was because I worked outside the home and also because of money.  But now I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, and money is not an issue. We have a few friends that foster and have/are adopting and I've really felt this tug to look into fostering to adopt. Ryan is opening up to the possibility- he's up for a 4th child but he's really hesitant about the potential heartache of saying goodbye to a foster child.  So, we will be meeting soon with a local foster to adopt agency to get more details.  I know we would be wanting to foster/adopt a little girl 2 or under.  We've asked the boys what they think about this and they were so excited.  They adore Amelia.  They argued over whose room the new little sister would get to share... They both want to share with a sister hahah!
  
• I am finally discharged from physical therapy for my wrist and have been cleared to go horseback riding again!   Only.... I haven't had the time to go!  I miss riding so much.  But part of me is kind of scared to risk falling on my wrist.  I'm hoping to make it out this weekend.
  
• Porter started wrestling this winter.  He's really doing well and catching on quickly.  Too bad wrestling tournaments are a lot of waiting around to watch 1 to 3 minutes of action.  And it makes me anxious watching these boys wrestle.  Gah!!   But he likes it.  So that's good.  Now to find something that Hudson truly likes.  Hmm.   Not a fan of soccer.  Or basketball.  Or horseback riding (too smelly).  That boy....
  
• Hudson has been going through this really scared phase.  He is scared of the dark, of being alone in a room at home, of waking upstairs alone and even showering alone.  He asks to leave the bathroom door open.  When he takes a shower he says "I feel like a ship is about to gonna fall on my head".  What in the world??!?  He also is terrified of pictures of large ships.  And books about ships.  So strange.
  
• Amelia started going to daycare 2 days a week.  I really needed to have at least one day a week where I had silence in the house- where I can work distraction free.  Miss Marleen wanted her 2 days a week (for consistency) so instead of my grandma watching her on Mondays while I volunteer in the boys' classrooms, she goes to Marleens then as well.  She LOVES it there, and does such a great job.  Of course, I had no doubt that Marleen would love her and she does.  :)  I love that she gets to be around other kids and do projects and crafts, and I get a day to spend with the boys at school and a day to work distraction free.  Win-win in my book!

long overdue overwhelmed overspill

Does that make any sense?   I feel like I'm in such a rut lately... all kinds of ruts.  Like... everything seems to be spiraling out of control.

My kids keep growing up.  Faster and faster... day by day. And it KILLS me.  I've been in one of those super emotional moods lately where every freaking thing makes me want to cry.  I watch videos shared on FB and they make me cry.  Clips of kiddos singing songs make me cry.  Stories about babies make me cry.  Pictures of my friends daughter in her new big girl bed (who is only a few months older than Amelia) make me cry.  Every. Single. Thing.

And then the boys... oh they can drive me up the fricking wall and melt my heart in the same day. Sometimes within the same hour.  Or 5 minutes.  I was looking at a Garnet Hill catalog and on the back was a lady in a swimsuit.  A cute, pretty modest swimsuit.  The boys were all "Oh gross... don't look on the back! There's some random lady in a swimsuit!"  I asked why that was gross (because seriously... its Garnet Hill... it was a retro-styled tankini HAHA!).  They said "Random stranger women wearing bathing suits are gross to boys, Mom."  I asked... what about on the beach?

P:  "No... well, random women are gross in bathing suits.

H:  "Except our mom.  You're not gross."

P: "Yeah, you're not gross to us, mom.  You're pretty."

And I kid you freaking not... I had to walk out of the room I was tearing up so badly!  (Serious... I'm about crying right now).   You see... I feel so DISGUSTING about myself right now.  I know I should love myself no matter what I look like but you guys... this work at home mom stuff is not good for a body.  Especially when time is limited... everyone needs something and who has time to fit in a workout when there is computer work to be done???  I'm the heaviest I have EVER EVER been (not-pregnant).  And I just feel gross about myself.  I try not to talk bad about my body in front of the kids but I know I do.  But, just to hear them say those simple words..."You're not gross to us...."  "You're pretty."  I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry.  This simple little conversation with them I doubt they will EVER remember, and surely never would think it was very significant.  But it was to me.

See... see... emotional hot mess over here!!!  *raises hand*

Work.  Ohhh this is my nemesis.  I love love love the job I've fallen into. I love what I do.  I love the flexibility.  I love everyone I've met. I love being the "manager" of a team of over 700 business people *on my team alone* and helping them find success and working with them toward one single goal.... to share essential oils with the world.  However, this title doesn't come without its burdens.  I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, that there's something else needing to be on my to do list.  I'm constantly feeling like I've left someone out, or not reaching out to someone who might need a note of encouragement.  Top that off with some huge changes that our entire Lemon Dropper team is going through in the next few months... I'm losing it.  I and a handful of my other leaders on my team are working to open up a new "Lounge" (called the Lemon Aid Library) that will be for customers to learn about essential oils... how to use them, what works for what etc.  So, we're crunching quickly toward our deadline to launch, and have so many legalities to work out so we don't get our asses sued if someone decides they took some advice from the Library and had bad results from it.

And then my damn wrist.  Ugh.  This winter has just sucked.  I'm close to 6 weeks into physical therapy and STILL don't have full control of my wrist... I can't lift things, I have limited range of motion, my scar HURTS LIKE HELL and its just... uncomfortable.  Not to mention twice a week physical therapy is cramping my schedule, and I've had to ask my grandma to babysit more than I like to rely on her.  And Lacey... my poor horse.... I'm paying $350/month to board her where I can ride during the winter in the indoor arena and I can't even freaking ride right now!!   I haven't even been out to see her since the day I broke my wrist-- Jan 2.  Thank GOD I love the place she is at... and I know she's being SO well taken care of.  The weather this winter has been SO cold I just haven't had the ambition to go out there and risk injuring my wrist even further.  I know I don't have the strength to tighten her girth, even if I were just taking Porter out to ride.  :(

I know... what a whiny post.  I just am feeling so overwhelmed lately.  I hate change, I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate being all emotional and crazy feeling.  I guess I just needed to write it all out... and see that this is just a blip in time... this too shall pass.  It will. Life is amazing, for the most part.... I just have to keep looking on the bright side.

Arrived

Lately I've been reflecting on my life and role at home and in the workplace and my identity and all that fun stuff.  I was so worried when I quit my job that I'd really miss being able to call myself a teacher, to identify myself as a working woman- a working mother.  I do feel that way sometime, like when I meet someone new I often feel the urge to mention I'm not just a non-working mom.....  I have my degree.   I wanted to teach.  That my plan was always to be a working mom.  Really.  From the time I was in highschool thinking about colleg I always knew, thought, I'd be a work outside the home mom.  

But plans change.  Life changes.  Things get rearranged and it slowly starts to work out.

I always wanted to work so we would never have to live paycheck to paycheck.  Well news flash.  We always pretty much have.  Sure, we provide for the kids and we go on vacations and we don't want for a whole lot but we also don't have much savings (aside from rys 401k), I drive an older van, Ry drives a 7 year old truck and my student loans continue to accrue interest while the extra $$ is not there up pay on them.  I look back and think how I wanted so badly to work full time.  I wanted the income.  But I realize now that luckily we have never relied on a full time income from me, and that is allowing me this "freedom" to take on this new path. 

I worried that quitting my job was a bad choice.  That it was the wrong path to take.  That it wouldn't be beneficial to our family.  That we would never be able to make it.  

I know I'm only a few weeks into this gig but so far, we are making it.  And while I still feel I have to explain my new role, I am slowly recognizing myself as an artist, a photographer. A work at home mom.  I'm still juggling.  I haven't figured out how to get much work done during the day while Amelia is still so needy and still pull some late nights editing pictures.  My house always seems to be a disaster.   I still have sacrifices.... because I am now working primarily evenings/weekends I'm going to miss every single one of Porter's football practices :(   My paycheck consisted of selling random signs and artwork, which is slightly humiliating when I compare that to a "real" job-outside-the-home with bosses and clock-ins and benefits.  And to be honest, I'm not sure what the next few months hold and how things will work out during "slow season".   But I'm going to have faith. 

It's funny how it all seems to work out.  I recently found out that my position at the school had to take a pay cut.  On top of no benefits, no sick days or paid school days off, or pay during the summer.  And with Amelia needing full time day are there is no way it would have benefited us.  The puzzle pieces are slowly falling together as I see how So many "no's"  have led me to this direction, a much better direction.  

I still feel silly considering myself an artist- a photographer.  But I know I will arrive.  I know through hard work and determination and faith and hope that this will work.  That this is the path I've been directed to.  That this can be my new identity and it will be okay.  That it is enough.  

Start of something good

Everyone knows life has its ups and downs
one day you're on top of world
and one day you're the clown

well I've been both enough to know
that you do'nt wanna get in teh way when its working out
the way that it is right now

I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should....

I'm starting to believe that
this could be the start of something good.

Each night before I go to bed I think to myself.... I don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I get to stay home with my babies.  I get to be my own boss.  And each day, as I blow a kiss to Porter as the school bus pulls away, as I snuggle Miss Amelia and chat with Hudson and pack up the van to go pick up Porter from school I think "I can't believe this is my life right now."

I really, truly can't.

I never ever in my life imagined myself a stay at home mom.  And, while I am still technically working, I am pretty much that- a stay at home mom.  Its crazy to me.  Crazy that we're trying this out.  Crazy that so far it's working.  Crazy that something I thought was so unobtainable, something that I sat with my therapist a year ago crying over, is now my reality.  It just took a leap of faith.  A big leap of faith.

"I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit 
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should..."

I have a lot of work ahead of me.... I have a business to revamp, I need to get myself back out on the market (after taking 6+ months off during pregnancy/maternity leave) and make a name for myself once again.  I have faith, though, that this will work and that I don't have to return to the work force outside of the home if I don't want to.  I know there will be sacrifices.  I know that there are things we're putting off for the time being (namely, paying on student loans... aaack.) but my babies are only babies for so long.  And it hurts my mama heart to think of them grown and not needing me anymore.  I want to freeze time.  I look at old pictures and I can't believe my boys are not toddlers anymore.  I won't get those years back.  Ever.  This is the only way I know to preserve time- to spend more with them.  I just hope and pray this is the right direction.

Today I contemplated my schedule.  I played legos with Hudson.  I blogged some memories.  I giggled with Amelia as she rolled around on the floor.  I responded to a few clients and facebooked a bit.  Hudson and I baked cookies.  I rocked my baby girl.  I worked on a project for the kids.  I watched my goofy boy ride his tractor.  I thought to myself as Hudson laughed and giggled with me today... I pray he remembers this. I pray he remembers the good days with me.  There are so many good days.  There are so many bad days, too. Days I feel defeated and feel like a failure.  Days I want to quit and run away.  But the good days, ohhh the good days.  The days that fill my heart with happiness until I feel like it will choke me.  I pray those are the days, the memories he keeps with him for always.

I'm not sure where things will go from here.  I know that I'm leaving my the ideal that I used to have for my life in the past.  I'm putting faith in this path that I've been put on.  I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to follow it to wherever it may lead. This time in my life right now, this new chapter that is beginning.... yes I believe it could be the start of something good.  Something real, real good.

Finding a new normal

I'm terrible at routine in the summer.  Terrible.  We just kind of helter skelter all about and that's about it.   Fall brings routine, usually, because USUALLY I'm GOING to work and the kids are at school/daycare.  This fall, I'm thinking I'm going to need to get some sort of schedule in place so I feel productive.

Do you have designated "snack times" in your house?  We never have.  But I'm thinking, since I"m now an "at home" mommy (not sure whether to call myself a stay-at-home-mom or work-at-home-mom because really, I AM working.... my fall sessions haven't started yet and I am still making signs, though I do a lot at night) that I could attempt to be a little better at this domestic stuff.

So I'm thinking:

6:45-7:25: Get Porter ready for school, breakfast for kids etc etc...

7:30: Porter on the bus

7:30-8:30: Free time/clean up/laundry etc etc...

8:30: Amelia down for a nap.  Shower for me.

9:30: Amelia up (hmm... thinking maybe I need to try to hold her off from nap until 9-10?)

10:00: Snack

10:15: Walk, play outside etc

11:30: Lunch

(T-W-TH Hudson has school)

12:00: Hudson to school (otherwise, rest time at home until 1:00 unless he sleeps)

3:00: Pick up Hudson

3:15: Pick up Porter

3:30: Snack

I also need to get a little better at making dinners, or at least planning them.  I kid you not, I'm home ALL summer and I rarely prepare or plan dinner.  Ry gets home and we're like "uhhhhhh...."  

I also need to try to plan some "working time" during the day.  Sure, I'm home, but I have lots of business-end stuff to do (most of my sessions are taking place in the evenings in the next 2 months) during the day.  While I kind of feel like I'm home and I should be spending it with the kids 100% of the time, I guess I'd rather be working at home with them playing nearby than working outside the house?  Finding balance is going to be tricky for me.   I'm thinking after I drop Hudson off at school will be the most ideal time to steal 2 hours or so to work.  That's not enough, that's for sure, but hopefully it will help chip away at the to do list so I don't have so much editing/website/accounting stuff to do in the evenings.

*sigh*  what a rambling post.  

He's a 1st grader!

If there is one thing I realized after this first morning of school it Is that there is no way in hell I am going back to working outside the house unless a) Ryan's work schedule changes and he is home in the morning to help with the morning hustle or b) we have enough mOney to hire a nanny to help get the kids ready for school, preschool and daycare. No effing way.

First off Porter woke up early and Ry let him watch White Collar while I slept. (yes, we are either training up our firstborn to be a future FBI agent or white collar criminal. Haha!).

Then my alarm went off to the tune of a harp. A harp. Who the hell wakes up to the sound of a harp? Not me. So yes of course I woke up a little later than I planned.

Then Amelia needed to eat while the boys did as well. Ever try to feed a baby and make toast? Ugh.

Last night I washed p's new shirts and put them in the dryer. For some reason they didn't dry all the way. Then I realized he really doesn't have any decent shorts. Jeans and a damp wrinkly shirt it is. Hey, it's at least new and "special" right? His shirt was PO big. Looked frumpy. I was being anal and made a fuss over it. I could kick myself of I made him feel insecure about it. :-(.

And as we went out to take pics and wait for the bus Amelia barfed all over me. Classic.

However, my boy was so brave. He was calm and collected even though his mama was a hot mess (literally... The humidity is ridiculous today!!). He assured his little brother he would play with him when he got home and told him to be good for mom. Hudson told porter to have a good day at school and to make good choices. Oh these kind of moments ache my mama heart.

My grandma as sable to come sit with H and A while I ran to the school to take a few pics of P in class. He is so confident and sure of himself at school. I am so proud of him.

And, just like that, I have a 1st grader. Where does time go?

First Day Jitters

Tomorrow (well, today) is the first time in my entire life since starting kindergarten that I am not returning to school.  I went through elementary school to junior high to high school to college and to my job at, you guessed it- a school.  I have always had a "first day of school" and it is weird not to be going back.   I'm kind of sad.  

Don't get me wrong... I'm excited and nervous and happy and anxious about being home with Amelia and Hudson and trying out this whole "work at home" thing.  If there is one thing I've realized in the past year is that they grow WAY too fast.  I'm going to try to slow down and savor every moment of Amelia being a baby and of Hudson's last year before full-time school.  

But... it is sad not to be returning to school, to a classroom of new faces and furthermore, to my OWN classroom.  That was my plan, but I'm quickly realizing that HIS plan isn't always the same as mine.  I'm going to embrace this change and see where it takes me.  Maybe I'll be home a year, maybe not.  Maybe photography won't work out and I'll go back to working in the schools next fall.  Maybe photography will be great and I'll love being my own boss, working from home with my babies around me.  Only time will tell.   

Tomorrow begins our new adventure... Porter will be in school full time, Hudson will have pre-school Tu-W-Th from 12-3 and Amelia will be my little sidekick.   Photography is taking off slowly.  After being "on maternity leave" since last December I feel like I'm starting over in a way.  I need to give it time and have faith.  I'm committed.  In the meantime, I'm keeping busy with crafty things to make a little extra money.  Making signs, sewing ruffle pants and making hair bows to sell on etsy/facebook.  It's working out.  God is providing and I know He will continue to.  

I feel awful for Porter.  The last 2 days he's been complaining about a sore throat and stuffy nose.  I'm not joking y'all... my kids haven't been sick in over a year.  OVER A YEAR.   And of course the night before the first day of school my little guy gets sick.  :(  I hope he's feeling better in the morning.  I want him to have a great first day of First Grade!!

This week....

has been rough.  I'm not sure if its the unrelenting heat that is getting to us or what, but we've all been crabby.  

The boys have been at each others throats... not talking nice to each other, being vengeful, hurtful, hateful.  

It seems like every time I turn around I'm picking up another mess that someone got out.  

I feel like a hamster on a wheel.  

I've been yelling.  I was doing SO good at not yelling.  

I've been terrible at remembering to take my meds.  

I have been trying to stop and see the positive but sometimes it is SO hard to.  I know I have behaviors I need to stop in order for the boys to follow suit.  I need to remember that my house does not have to be spotless all the time.  

I'm worried about this fall... staying home.  I've pretty much decided to stay home and "be an artist".  Ha!  That sounds ridiculous, I know.  But.... I'm going to try it.  I'm going to try making photography work, and I've also began making signs (check me out: The Reclaimed Canvas on Facebook!) and in the past week I've more than made my school paycheck.  I doubt the signs will stay this steady selling but I love the creative outlet and I am having fun with it.  

I am having a hard time with the thought of not having a "normal" job... a "go to work, clock in and get a paycheck" kind of job.  I also keep thinking that maybe God is steering me in this direction and I need to listen.  A year ago I sat in therapy crying because my babies were growing up too fast, that I wished I could stay home and I knew it wasn't in the cards for me.  And the past few years I have felt like God has been saying No No No to me every time I try to make teaching work.  Over the past many many years I've heard so many times "You're missing your calling, girl" when referring to my crafty/artsy side.  I just shrug and dismiss it.  But maybe it has been a message that has been repeated to me for a reason.   

On Sunday at church the message was amazing.  Ben talked about how you get this plan in your head, you see how you WANT things to go, you have it all laid out... and then all of a sudden things do a 180 and you're all of a sudden not where you'd planned.... things didn't go the way you'd wanted.  And instead of giving up, instead of being defeated, you need to see that it is God doing work IN you before he can do work THROUGH you.  That He is guiding you in that direction to mold you so that he can use you for better in a different way, different than what you had had planned.  This spoke to me SO clearly.  I've had my plan... I wanted to teach.  I had it all figured out.  I've never imagined teaching anywhere else but Bean.  And it is not going to happen.  Never.  I feel defeated, yes.  But I also am trying to look at it as an opportunity to grow, to see what God has in store for me.  To listen to the work that He wants to do in me.  Maybe another teaching opportunity will open up for me.  Maybe teaching isn't where He has a plan for me.  Maybe I'm meant to stay home and "be an artist"... to paint and run my photography business more wholeheartedly than I have in the past 4 years.  I guess time will only tell.

I hope this makes sense.  And this is so off the topic.  I'm just worried this fall... staying home.  It won't be too terrible because Porter will be in school and I'm hoping to be able to afford to send Hudson to preschool, so that will give me a few mornings to get some work done and spend time with Amelia.  BUt this week has left me feeling less than adequate.  I barely shower.  My kids run around looking like orphans.  The dogs are neglected, the laundry gets washed but never folded... I'm hoping I can focus my energies better and find the joy in my new direction.  

Heading in no direction at all

Wow.  This past week has thrown me into a whirlwind of different directions.  Since quitting my job I feel like I have so many options, so many ideas, but not sure if I have the guts to go certain ways and if I did have the guts... which way do I go?

This week I've had so many thoughts run through my mind about quitting my job.  This may sound silly.  I didn't WANT to quit my job... but I didn't want to keep that job forever.  I was part time (4 days/week) and had no benefits/vacation time/sick time etc (benefits aren't a big deal- Ry has great insurance at work).  I wanted to be teaching full time- using my degree in the way it was intended.  I wanted my own classroom.  I wanted to plan lessons.  I wanted to create the structure and routine and rules in my classroom.  The end of my job basically boiled down to this... there was opportunity for me to be full time, but they were not willing to give me the opportunity to try.  Long story short: they no longer wanted me there full time (which, the first 3-4 years I was there I heard numerous times how they would love to have me full time, yadda yadda yadda).  So, it was either stick it out some more in the position I was in or take that slap in the face and find something else to do.   And so I'm finding something else.

I'm not saying I don't want to teach.  I do.  I went to school to be a teacher and I love nothing more than to be at the front of a classroom (or in the middle of one, helping students) and in charge.  I love it, I truly do.  And I feel like that is where I (in MY mind) am meant to be.  However, I'm wondering if God has other plans.  Maybe what I envisioned as my "ideal" life direction isn't quite what I thought.

So, for now I'm a drifter.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  I could sub this fall... but subs make crappy money.  And I don't particularly like subbing where I don't get to form a relationship with my students.  That's one of my favorite things... getting to know the kids in my class and them being able to trust me and look up to me.  Subbing doesn't often develop those relationships.  I could send out a ton of resumes and hope for a full time position (which I'll probably do).

What I can't help but think this big kick in the rear is for is to get me to take the leap into photography.  I've always thought I could make a decent living doing photography, and that the flexibility of being my own boss and making my own schedule would allow me more time with my babies that are still at home.  However.... I have not wanted to quit a secure job on a whim.  But... now that I HAVE quit that job, and it was essentially a dead end road and that was my only option (that or be a Lit Coach forever), I am wondering if this is the time- if this is my chance to see what could be with my photography business.  I've been listening to my new Needtobreathe cd lately and there is a song called "Second Chance" that has been really speaking to me lately...

"I can't help but fear I've done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, it will make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along"

My thoughts right now are this.... Schedule 2 days/week for photography.  These days I'd need a sitter for Hudson and Amelia.  I'd do sessions + edit on those days.  That would leave me 3 days/week to be home with the littles.  I'm not sure if sending Hudson to preschool would be in the budget (though I'm sure we would now qualify for the income based preschool?), but I could do a preschool curriculum with him on the 3 days I'm home.

Some of my fears:

• I won't book enough sessions.  No explanation needed... mortgage needs to be paid and money has to come in. 
• I won't manage my finances properly... the thought of not "clocking in and getting a paycheck" is scary.  I like that comfort/safety net.  Being my own boss, making my own income and spreading it out evenly throughout a month is not my strongest point I don't think. 
• I won't manage my time wisely.  You're on a computer..... you're no stranger to the way the internet sucks you in.  What if I get sucked into Facebook or Craigslist or Blogs instead of working?  What if the laundry is calling my name or the dirty bathroom floor is screaming at me to wash it?  Will I be able to overlook all those things that will be staring in my face when working at home and stay focused on actually using those 2 work days to WORK?
• Will I be able to separate my "home" time with "work" time?  I don't want to end up editing sessions all weekend or in the evenings.  I don't want to find myself corresponding with clients in the evenings when Ryan is home and we should be spending time as a family.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well... I've found in the past when I'm busy with photography I hate the thought of letting an email sit or a clients question wait until another time.  I feel like when it hits my inbox, I should respond. 
• Is this responsible for a 30 year old to just switch careers?  What about retirement... what do self employed people do?  What if I want to go back into teaching?  Will it be easy?  If I start teaching in 5 years or so, will that affect my ability to be hired? What about the 9 credits I need to get still?  Do I continue school to get those credits or say screw it? 
• Am I okay with the identity of "I'm a photographer" rather than "I'm a teacher"?  Will I feel sad to not be in the teaching world?   

See... so many thoughts running through my head.  Part of me (a big part of me) is just saying..... DO IT!  Take a year or two or three and just explore your options.  See where photography takes you.  Stay home with your babies while they're little.   It's okay to not have a "career" right now... many people stay home far into their 30's and don't work at all and they don't seem to be worrying about a career and accruing years toward retirement.   That big part of me wants to just go with the flow and follow my passion for photography.  But there is another part of me that wants me to think it is nonsensical to do such a thing.  

*sigh* 

So many thoughts.  So much to think about.  So much hanging in the balance.  Right now I feel like I'm heading in no direction at all.  

Falling apart to fall together

So, today I quit my job.  It wasn't something I planned or really thought about, though Ryan and I have briefly discussed me not returning to my current position this fall, and I really didn't believe that things would come down to this.  In hindsight, it probably was a long time coming.  I should have made the break a few years ago but was holding onto the security and false hope that I'd be hired in full time.  I have lots of thoughts on this (and will share on my private blog because there are things that just don't need to be public) and have mixed emotions.  

I really honestly would love to be a SAHM (at least part time?) but I'm not sure our finances can support that.  


I've talked about pursuing photography more, actually marketing and "working" (rather than just sitting back and letting clients come to me... which has been fine thus far).  I may do that and pray that I can create some sort of consistent income for us, though I could always fall back on subbing part time if I need to supplement.  


I just don't know.  I guess in the long run this blip will be a blessing in disguise.  Maybe it will allow me more time with my babies.  Maybe this is the direction God is wanting for me... to allow me to follow my passion in photography... to get in touch more with my creative side.  Maybe there is a full time teaching position out there that is meant for me and had I not quit I wouldn't be opened up to that opportunity.  


Time will tell.  I know regardless all things will work out for the best, God always provides and we are never given more than we can handle.  

Hump Day Thoughts

• The weather today is gorgeous... 65*, sunny and a slight breeze.  LOVE IT.   Porter didn't have school yesterday and I so wish the boys were home this afternoon instead of yesterday.  We will have to go out and ride bikes or go on a walk tonight (for me... uh... to the neighbors driveway and back  BAHAHAH! Ok... I can attempt further I suppose).


• Goodbye paper snowflakes on the windows... time for a new "springy" project to decorate the windows.  Any ideas?


• I've fallen into a slump of dwelling on the past these last couple days... wishing things were the way they used to be.  Which is silly... I can't change people's decisions and I certainly can't change others' thoughts and feelings.  Its one of those "sad because its over and mourning the loss of what used to be such a great thing" type of things.  Trying to stay positive and move on.


• I'm almost through with my first week of working half days.  Loving it so far, of course, but will probably not love it so much when my paychecks start coming in.  Oh well... I'm summing it up to mental health afternoons.  I need daytime to either rest or get school work/accounting/housework stuff done.  I'm too tired by the time 8:00 rolls around and the boys are in bed.


• I'm sad that we won't be spending spring break in Holden Beach this year, or well, any beach as we usually do.  Trying to keep my eye on the prize and know that baby sis will be well worth missing one annual beach vacay.  There's always next year, right?


• Thank you, yet another person at work, for pointing out that I am waddling. You don't think I realize, you know, between my hips feeling like pliers are ripping them apart and knives are being stabbed into my joints.  Thank you for making me aware of the waddle. And, no, calling me "ducky" is not cute or funny.


• The boys are getting SO SO excited for baby sis to get here.  We have a baby girl doll that is wearing some preemie jammies and the boys play with her in baby sis' room all the time.  They put her in the swing and in the carseat and bouncer, and Hudson likes to lay her on his mine mine's and cover her up.  Almost daily they ask "When will baby sis get here?!" and every time I have a doctor's appointment (every 2 weeks now), Hudson asks if we're going to the doctor to get sissy.  Its sooo cute.  I am going to make a countdown for them, I think, to count down the days until my due date.

Work Weary

This week is quite possibly my last week working full days.  I've decided to cut back my hours (to only working 4hrs/day) and have someone else take over my RTI time in the afternoon.  By noon my back is killing me from sitting on hard chairs and walking all around the school, and by the end of the day (after 6 groups of kids, walking back and forth to 6 different classrooms at all ends of the school) I'm completely wiped out.  I get home and have to lay down because my back and hips hurt so bad, and I pretty much have nothing left to give my kids- let alone my husband or the house or laundry and all that stuff.  Let's not forget my mood... I'm cranky and grumpy and irritable and short tempered by the end of the day.  Boo.

I've wavered back and forth about taking the afternoons off.  On one hand I feel like a complete lazy ass for wanting to call it quits at 31 weeks pregnant.  I still have 9 more weeks to go!  On the other hand, I realize the circumstances around this pregnancy are quite different than when I was pregnant with Porter, or even Hudson.  With Porter all I had to do was incubate.  I didn't have other kids to worry about and though I worked full-time (student teaching) up until 34 weeks, I did have the last 6 weeks to sit on my butt.  With Hudson, I was half days up until 20 weeks and then full days until the very very end.  But even then I only had Porter at home, and our house was 1/3 of the size (so much less to clean and only ONE little 2 year old to pick up after).  And on top of that I'm in the middle of getting all my business stuff ready for my accountant (ahem.... uh... the entire last years' worth of bookwork EEEEK!) and I'm taking a grad class.

So... I do have a lot on my plate and my body is just not loving this pregnancy as well as it did the last two.  Just sitting at my desk (errr table at work) or at the computer is painful.  The only position I feel comfortable is laying horizontal.  Doing nothing.  Just.  Laying.  And I don't think that'll fly at work.

I guess that's where I'm at.  I've worked it out with my boss and have someone to cover my RTI hours, with plans for her to take over for me next week.  I'm hoping that getting out at 12:30 will give me time to rest for a bit or do laundry or grocery shop (or work on my business tax stuff to get to my accountant!) etc before the kids get home.... a little refresher before Round 2, and even then once they're in bed I still have homework to do a couple evenings a week.  GAHH.

Teeth, Sports, Careers and Babies

-Porter lost his 2nd tooth last night.  It'd been wiggly for a few weeks and Oma had told Porter the other day that if he pulled his tooth out before Saturday's Christmas she'd give him $2.  Last night he asked me, out of the blue, "Mom, do you want me to pull my tooth out?"  I said I didn't care (because, really??) and he walked into the kitchen, got a towel, came back into the living room and pulled that baby out in a second and said "Oops, there it is! I pulled it out!"  So random.  HAHA! Not sure if he was motivated more by the money promised by Oma or that he wanted to pull his 2nd tooth out before Aubri pulled hers out.

-Porter started basketball on Thursday.  It should be interesting... they had one practice (Thurs) and have a game next Saturday.  As usual, Porter was the only kid on his team (there are 6 kids) that was dinking around with his shorts, hands in his pocket, hopping and spinning around while the coach was instructing them on drills.   He said it was boring because he didn't get to play... but doesn't get that he has to LEARN how to play in order to PLAY.  Duh.  The child has no attention, I swear.   So... we're holding him to playing this season (just until the end of Feb) because he is the one that initiated that he wanted to play basketball and the money is paid already.  I hope that he enjoys it after they start playing games.

-I decided to drop my Master's classes.  I am taking a different direction (approach, mindset etc..) and just getting my 18 credits in a planned program to move onto my professional license.  The past few months I've become more at peace with where I am at with my work/career path at this time.  The bottom line was that I'm not sure when I'll be fulltime and I don't want to spend the next 4 years busting my butt to get my Masters degree and have it possibly over-qualify me and hold me back from getting hired in full time.  College will be there later.  Masters degrees will be there later.  One on one days with the kids?  They're limited.  And I'm so glad I have made that discovery now rather than later.  My kids are only little for such a short period of time and I want to try to focus on them and not so much on building a career.  Sure, I'd love to be teaching full time but I also know that that would mean less time with my kids (no Friday-Mom-Days, more time planning at home etc) and right now I'm okay with not being full time.  I'm okay with putting the extra time into the boys (and soon baby sis) and viewing it as a blessing rather than a setback.  Sure, it may mean a few more years of doing photography more than I'd like, and it may mean driving my rusty but paid-off van instead of getting something shiny and new but I am choosing to be thankful for my Fridays with Hudson right now and thankful that I have been blessed with photography skills and a prosperous part time business that helps fill in the gaps when we need it to.

-Baby Sis (as we've come to call her) still does not have a name.  We have a few top contenders (and really, though, Ryan is pretty set on one name) but I'm not 100%.  I don't have an absolute favorite, but feel pulled by one in particular.  I don't know.  Regardless, we've decided to keep her name to ourselves until she is born.  Even if we decide I feel that this time I need to SEE her to be settled on her name.

Her room is coming along nicely!  Her walls are a light light spring green (very pale yellow/green).  New curtain rods have been hung and the curtains have been made (by me!) and hung.  We purchased a dresser at a resale shop and it was a pale yellow (which was pretty in itself but it clashed with the wall color) and I repainted it pink and distressed it so the yellow shows through in spots.  It is beautiful.  I love love love it.  I've attempted to work on her quilt today but only got so far as to cut out the 5" squares.  My sewing machine has taken a dump on me.  So, hopefully I'll get some progress done on that soon!  I still need a rug for her room though I kind of want to get the bedding done first to see if I need color or something neutral.  I wanted to do pink, but now that I have the curtains up I am leaning towards wanting something shaggy and cream/white colored.  We'll see.

Where have the weekends gone?

Ever since school started I've felt like the weekends fly by too quickly.  I've never really felt this way since I've always had a 3-day weekend.   I've always LOVED my weekends and loved my Fridays with the boys.  A few weeks ago I realized why the weekends have felt so much shorter. Porter is in school.  He's in school... 5 days a week and this is how it will be for the rest of his childhood.  For the first few weeks of school I had Hudson in daycare on Friday so I could have a "work" day for photography.   THAT made the weekends seem even shorter as I didn't get that one on one time with Hudson.

It made me think about how, even though I've wished and hoped and wanted so badly to be working full time... that these past 5 years have really been a blessing for me to have a weekly "mommy time" with the boys.  It hasn't been until now, now that Porter is in school, that I've realized how special these Fridays have been to me.

My plan this year was to sub on Fridays (after the busy fall season in photography was over) so I could get my name around other schools.  However... I've never really had one on one time with just Hudson.  Porter had 2 years with me before Hudson was born, and after that it has always been the two of them.  Next year Hudson will be in "real" preschool, and then it will be Kindergarten.  And that will be it.  He'll be gone 5 days a week.  And his weekends with me, with us, will be shorter.

I'm so torn.  All of my "career" (aka... working life after college) I've felt so driven to work.  I've compared myself to my co-workers and friends who work and worried that I wasn't getting my career off to the right start.  I wasn't working full time.  I wasn't accruing time toward retirement.  I wasn't getting benefits (though this is unnecessary with Ryan's job).  However, the past year has really made me long to stay home with the boys.  I've felt so scared and nostalgic at how quickly the past few years have gone by.  I've worried that I made the wrong choices before having kids, maybe I should have lined things up better so we could have afforded for me to stay home.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone to college and racked up student loans.  Did I wish away my kids most precious, fleeting years?

And now, this year, I've felt I've been woken up to the gift that my job has been.  That it is true... God has a place for me and right now this is where I'm meant to be.  Sure, this job isn't where I want to be forever, and if I had a choice I'm pretty sure I'd have taken full time over where I am now. But, how is this job delay any different than moms who have stayed home until all their kids are in school and then returned to work in their late 30's?  Why do I feel compelled to compare myself and my job choices to other moms?  I worry that I'm not making the right choices for the future, for my future, but in worrying about that am I missing out on the gift that is my kids early years and the extra time I can have with them?

All these choices and feelings and thoughts and worries.  I hate feeling unsure of my decisions.  I do know, however, that I'm working hard to be accepting of what is on my plate at this given time and hope that I can feel at peace with where I am.  I am contemplating just staying in a part time position for the next two years so I can spend this time with Hudson.  However, I know once Baby #3 comes along I'll be longing for more time with him/her as well.  And I guess if that happens then so be it.  Maybe I'm meant to be part time until all my babies are in school.  Maybe this is my alternative to staying home full time... having Mommy Fridays.  Time will tell, I suppose, and when the time comes to make more committed decisions I guess I'll have to see where my heart lies.

2 more days.... 2 more days....

I officially have 2 more days of school left and I'll be singing "SCHOOOOLS OUT FOR SUMMMMAHHH!"    Today was miserable.... 95* and humid.  Did I mention no a/c in our school?  Tomorrow is supposed to be worse.  I'll be praying the day goes by quickly.  We can't even have the windows open because it just sucks in the hot, humid air.  UGH.

Monday I dreaded getting up.  Actually, I slept in as long as I could, didn't shower, got dressed and went to work.  My heart just wasn't there.  Luckily, the co-workers I'm close to/chat with throughout the day were very supportive and consoling.  They were all stunned I did not get the job and pretty appalled.  It felt good to know I wasn't feeling duped for no reason at all.

While I keep feeling like I've "wasted" the past 5 years being a lit coach, I know in my heart these years were not wasted.  I've loved my job... loved my coworkers and loved the freedom and flexibility this job has given me.  The first 2 years I was part time... half days.  This was so nice to spend with Porter while he was tiny.  And even when I went to full days when I was halfway through my pregnancy with Hudson, I still have had Fridays off.  I have SO SO cherished my Fridays with the boys.   These are usually our days to go do something fun together, run errands and get lunch.  If nothing at all, these past few years have been SO worth my Fridays.

However, it is time.  It is time I had my own classroom and my heart is heavy and sad knowing that this fall I won't be opening my own room at my school.  I still don't know what direction I'll be heading in come September, but I will be doing a lot of searching, job hunting and thinking over the summer.  We have also been talking about relocating and I've been browsing (and printing off) jobs in NC.  It would be nice to be closer to my mom... closer to the beach.... and in nicer weather.  (Although I'm pretty sure the summers would kiiilllll me... the rest of the year being nice would make up for it).  I am not sure if I will (or ever will) have enough guts to really pack up and move out of state but who knows... maybe I'll be offered a job and we'll find arrangements for our home (because nothing is selling here in MI so I wouldn't be too hopeful our house would sell) and we'll pack up and head out.  Who knows. Publish Post

THE Interview. And the call.

I had my interview yesterday.  I was well prepared.  I'd studied and had some great responses (well, at least what I *felt* were great responses).  I wore a short sleeved black business jacket with black dress pants.  I had my portfolio, organized and packed to the brim of great examples of my work.  I had copies of my resume as well as copies of my "quotes of recommendation" (quotes pulled from my letters of recommendation) for each of the people on the interview panel.  I knew 4 of the 6 people.... my principal, 2 co-workers (the other 2nd grade teachers) as well as a teacher from another building.

The interview went great, so I thought.  Everything they asked me I thought in my head as they asked me "oh I've GOT this!".  I wasn't caught off guard by any questions.  I felt like I had really good responses.  We laughed a little, there was a little conversation, I felt confident and sure of myself.  I sat there feeling like "OMG I have this.  This job is MINE."

Or so I thought. 

The principal said they wanted to have a decision last night and by 9:30 I was feeling like they wouldn't be calling.  10:00 I got a call... and I could tell by his voice the decision wasn't in my favor.   He said I did great (I always friggin' hear this) but "they decided to go another direction."  WTF.   To say I am astounded.  Floored. Duped.  Pissed.  Annoyed.  Disappointed.  It's all an understatement.   

I thought I had this. 

I've always had great feedback from the principal, he's somewhat "led me on" to believe that he wanted me there fulltime.  He has told co-workers how highly he thinks of me, that he wanted to get me in fulltime.  I feel led on and... duped.  Sucker punched.  

And the worst part... I have another week of work.  Another week to face co-workers.  To feel humiliated that, yes, after 5 years I'm *still* her and I *still* haven't been hired in fulltime.  I don't even want to go there. 

I'm now quite aware that fulltime at my school is not going to happen in the near future.  My district isn't huge (there are 3 elementary schools, which is larger than most smaller districts but not the largest in town), and its a great place to work... hence, people don't leave often.  And I don't foresee any retirements from my building anytime soon.  So, unless people move around or shift buildings (which IS a possibility) there aren't likely any spots open.  In the past 5 years I think there have been 4 times they've interviewed for open positions.  So, its a rarity.  I've been waiting for this spot to open in my building for a long long time.   The other jobs that have been interviewed for, at the other elementary buildings, they've hired their own lit coaches.  ANd, in  my building, I'm always talked highly of, always told that everyone thinks highly of me, and I've also beent here the longest of the lit coaches.  

I thought I had this. 

So, I don't know where to go next.  I'm just so confused and hurt and disappointed.  I am going to take the weekend to process my "loss" and then jump into high gear of applying EVERYWHERE and contacting every principal and making them aware that I've applied and that I want a job.  I'm going to be annoying.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?  Operation job search will be underway.  I'll be honest, in the past few years I have NOT been very active with applying at other schools.  I love my school I'm at and part time was okay with me.  I was holding out with the thought that I was "next up" to get hired in.  I didn't want to leave a part time job I loved to go somewhere I'd be unhappy or dislike my job.  But, game on.  Balls to the wall I'm on the hunt.

"Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it." — Eliza Tabor