long overdue overwhelmed overspill

Does that make any sense?   I feel like I'm in such a rut lately... all kinds of ruts.  Like... everything seems to be spiraling out of control.

My kids keep growing up.  Faster and faster... day by day. And it KILLS me.  I've been in one of those super emotional moods lately where every freaking thing makes me want to cry.  I watch videos shared on FB and they make me cry.  Clips of kiddos singing songs make me cry.  Stories about babies make me cry.  Pictures of my friends daughter in her new big girl bed (who is only a few months older than Amelia) make me cry.  Every. Single. Thing.

And then the boys... oh they can drive me up the fricking wall and melt my heart in the same day. Sometimes within the same hour.  Or 5 minutes.  I was looking at a Garnet Hill catalog and on the back was a lady in a swimsuit.  A cute, pretty modest swimsuit.  The boys were all "Oh gross... don't look on the back! There's some random lady in a swimsuit!"  I asked why that was gross (because seriously... its Garnet Hill... it was a retro-styled tankini HAHA!).  They said "Random stranger women wearing bathing suits are gross to boys, Mom."  I asked... what about on the beach?

P:  "No... well, random women are gross in bathing suits.

H:  "Except our mom.  You're not gross."

P: "Yeah, you're not gross to us, mom.  You're pretty."

And I kid you freaking not... I had to walk out of the room I was tearing up so badly!  (Serious... I'm about crying right now).   You see... I feel so DISGUSTING about myself right now.  I know I should love myself no matter what I look like but you guys... this work at home mom stuff is not good for a body.  Especially when time is limited... everyone needs something and who has time to fit in a workout when there is computer work to be done???  I'm the heaviest I have EVER EVER been (not-pregnant).  And I just feel gross about myself.  I try not to talk bad about my body in front of the kids but I know I do.  But, just to hear them say those simple words..."You're not gross to us...."  "You're pretty."  I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry.  This simple little conversation with them I doubt they will EVER remember, and surely never would think it was very significant.  But it was to me.

See... see... emotional hot mess over here!!!  *raises hand*

Work.  Ohhh this is my nemesis.  I love love love the job I've fallen into. I love what I do.  I love the flexibility.  I love everyone I've met. I love being the "manager" of a team of over 700 business people *on my team alone* and helping them find success and working with them toward one single goal.... to share essential oils with the world.  However, this title doesn't come without its burdens.  I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, that there's something else needing to be on my to do list.  I'm constantly feeling like I've left someone out, or not reaching out to someone who might need a note of encouragement.  Top that off with some huge changes that our entire Lemon Dropper team is going through in the next few months... I'm losing it.  I and a handful of my other leaders on my team are working to open up a new "Lounge" (called the Lemon Aid Library) that will be for customers to learn about essential oils... how to use them, what works for what etc.  So, we're crunching quickly toward our deadline to launch, and have so many legalities to work out so we don't get our asses sued if someone decides they took some advice from the Library and had bad results from it.

And then my damn wrist.  Ugh.  This winter has just sucked.  I'm close to 6 weeks into physical therapy and STILL don't have full control of my wrist... I can't lift things, I have limited range of motion, my scar HURTS LIKE HELL and its just... uncomfortable.  Not to mention twice a week physical therapy is cramping my schedule, and I've had to ask my grandma to babysit more than I like to rely on her.  And Lacey... my poor horse.... I'm paying $350/month to board her where I can ride during the winter in the indoor arena and I can't even freaking ride right now!!   I haven't even been out to see her since the day I broke my wrist-- Jan 2.  Thank GOD I love the place she is at... and I know she's being SO well taken care of.  The weather this winter has been SO cold I just haven't had the ambition to go out there and risk injuring my wrist even further.  I know I don't have the strength to tighten her girth, even if I were just taking Porter out to ride.  :(

I know... what a whiny post.  I just am feeling so overwhelmed lately.  I hate change, I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate being all emotional and crazy feeling.  I guess I just needed to write it all out... and see that this is just a blip in time... this too shall pass.  It will. Life is amazing, for the most part.... I just have to keep looking on the bright side.

More time

Since the holidays I feel like I've been in a never ending grumpy slump.  I feel like I have normal days where I feel great- I'm patient with the kids, I am productive, optimistic and happy.  And then I have days on end where I feel antisocial, grumpy, short of temper, irritable and critical.  I can't really pinpoint what's going on... I feel like I'm having a setback, I'm falling back to old habits and not using skills I've worked so hard at building up.

I promise you the world again

Everything within my hands

All the riches one could dream

they will come from me

I've been decluttering and cleaning and I know, from past experience, that this is a coping mechanism.  I do this when I feel out of control.  It is something I can control and get instant gratification from when I feel like other things are beyond my control.  I can't pinpoint what, though, or what has set me off.

I know part of it has to do with the season.  It's winter.  We don't have any snow so its ugly, dead and grey out.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Business is slow.  Wait, no.  Non-existant.  Which stresses me out.  I refuse to give up, but I can't help but feel defeated at the moment.  We have big plans for this year and I'm uncertain as to how those plans will pan out if my hard work and effort into my business does not pan out.   Ryan is stressed.  I am stressed.

I hope that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don't worry now

It will turn around

And honestly, our house is cluttered.  Just a month past the holidays and my kid again were over-blessed with toys galore.  Everywhere I look there are piles and stacks and bags and boxes of things that need to go here or there.

I'm failing miserably at managing a daily schedule.  I find I don't have time for the things I NEED to do, and I'm spending time on things that aren't a necessity.  I'm not spreading my time out... its gung ho on one thing and one thing only.  I'm failing at micromanaging.  This stresses me out.

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine. 

Something I have begun recently is Digital Project Life.  So far, 3 weeks in, I am feeling very accomplished and in control of one area of my life that I am desperate to stay on top of.  In addition to feeling good about 2013, I've been able to catch up with multiple weeks from 2012 within the past 2 to 3 weeks.  Sure, these layouts aren't as great as traditional paper layouts with all the artifacts and dimensional goodies, but they're done and I can print and put them in my albums.  I am hoping I can stay on top of this and try to keep it simple.  My family's memories are so important to me and so important to have printed and in an album.  The kids adore looking at their albums, too.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Here are a few of my pages I've created.   And, if you're interested in Digital Scrapbooking or Digital Project Life, shoot me an email (nic073 a-t- yahoo d-o-t com) and I'd love to fill you in on how it works!

Finding a new normal

I'm terrible at routine in the summer.  Terrible.  We just kind of helter skelter all about and that's about it.   Fall brings routine, usually, because USUALLY I'm GOING to work and the kids are at school/daycare.  This fall, I'm thinking I'm going to need to get some sort of schedule in place so I feel productive.

Do you have designated "snack times" in your house?  We never have.  But I'm thinking, since I"m now an "at home" mommy (not sure whether to call myself a stay-at-home-mom or work-at-home-mom because really, I AM working.... my fall sessions haven't started yet and I am still making signs, though I do a lot at night) that I could attempt to be a little better at this domestic stuff.

So I'm thinking:

6:45-7:25: Get Porter ready for school, breakfast for kids etc etc...

7:30: Porter on the bus

7:30-8:30: Free time/clean up/laundry etc etc...

8:30: Amelia down for a nap.  Shower for me.

9:30: Amelia up (hmm... thinking maybe I need to try to hold her off from nap until 9-10?)

10:00: Snack

10:15: Walk, play outside etc

11:30: Lunch

(T-W-TH Hudson has school)

12:00: Hudson to school (otherwise, rest time at home until 1:00 unless he sleeps)

3:00: Pick up Hudson

3:15: Pick up Porter

3:30: Snack

I also need to get a little better at making dinners, or at least planning them.  I kid you not, I'm home ALL summer and I rarely prepare or plan dinner.  Ry gets home and we're like "uhhhhhh...."  

I also need to try to plan some "working time" during the day.  Sure, I'm home, but I have lots of business-end stuff to do (most of my sessions are taking place in the evenings in the next 2 months) during the day.  While I kind of feel like I'm home and I should be spending it with the kids 100% of the time, I guess I'd rather be working at home with them playing nearby than working outside the house?  Finding balance is going to be tricky for me.   I'm thinking after I drop Hudson off at school will be the most ideal time to steal 2 hours or so to work.  That's not enough, that's for sure, but hopefully it will help chip away at the to do list so I don't have so much editing/website/accounting stuff to do in the evenings.

*sigh*  what a rambling post.  

awakening

This couldn't have been said any better.  (borrowed from Beanski's blog)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH!!! No more fighting and no more crying or struggling to hold on.... And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,

it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.


You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes-bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to trust, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.