the birth of Eloise Claire | part 3

Around 12:30 or 1am (it's blurry) I get my epidural.  The nurse checks me and I'm about 6cm dilated.   With my last 2 epidurals I felt nothing of contractions, even when I pushed.  This time, I kept feeling pressure.  Like, why am I feeling pressure?!?  

After my epidural was all set, Ryan came back in and Jaclyn, the photographer was there as well.  I felt relieved knowing I had drug relief and Jaclyn had made it before I delivered.  

My contractions subsided after about 15 minutes and Ryan went to get something to eat while I relaxed/rested/chatted with Jaclyn.  

LeeAnn stopped down to visit around 1:45.  Shortly after that, I think around 2, I started feeling a lot more pressure during contractions. The nurse checked me again and I was 7.5cm.  She said she would catheter me to see if that helped dilate me the rest of the way and get my bladder out of the way.  Everyone left the room and as soon as my bladder was empty I felt a huge amount of pressure.  This all freaked me out because I have always felt totally numb.... nothing.... During my last 2 deliveries. (With Porter I pushed for 2.5 hours so I don't remember much of that, but I don't remember feeling this much pressure or pain that's for sure). 

The nurse checked me again and sure enough I was 9.5cm.  They called the doctor in and Ryan and Jaclyn came back in.   It felt like a bit mush of chaos.  I was starting to freak out because my sweet nurse took away my epidural button and I was not dealing with the pain too well.  I felt like I was going to split apart.  

I started to feel a huge urge to push and knew that if I did she would be here as quick as that.  I watched the doctor sit on his stool and take his time putting on his hat.  I wondered why they weren't rushing faster.  Maybe they were but I was too panicked to realize.  I don't know.  

Everything else was kind of a blur.  I remember thinks (or maybe saying) that I couldn't do this.  That I needed more drugs.  That I was going to die.  I remember wanting to just shake myself off the bed and be done.  I remember holding someone's hand and gripping hard.  I remember my sweet girl entering the world quickly... By the 2nd push they laid her on my chest and there she was.  So tiny and perfect and complete.   

I remember gasping for air and feeling so relieved that it was over, and so overwhelmed that she was finally here.  This little one, she was the one we were waiting for.  She was the unexpected.  The one we didn't know we were missing but now, now she completes us.  

Eloise Claire

5lbs 15oz

19"long

Born 5.24.15 at 2:16am

[photograph by Jaclyn Michele Photography]

post-partum hormones suck

I always dread the post-delivery hormones and emotions.  I know it's coming and I also know there isn't a stop to it.

I don't find myself anxious or worried.  I find myself more or less sad or depressed at the finality of things.... At the quickness of the newborn stage, the desperate attempts to preserve and remember everything and the fear of failing and forgetting it all.  

With Amelia, I thought she was our last.  She WAS our last.  And I still did a miserable job of documenting so much of her pregnancy and the newborn stage.  Her scrapbook is still barely there. That kills me.... the boys have such elaborate, thoughtful and heartfelt scrapbooks.   Eloise for sure is our last.  A surprise, a second chance, maybe, but for sure our last.  And I sit here in the quiet of the middle of the night and think about how much I already failed to document because "it won't matter" or I didn't think I would care.   Sure, in a few months or years I won't care that I declined maternity pictures with our birth photographer. But tonight, I wish I had sucked it up and done it even though I felt fat and ugly.  Later on, I won't think about the way my belly moved toward the end when Eloise was kicking and rolling around... But tonight I wish I had taken a few moments to record it.  I walked into the hospital telling myself I should take one last belly picture, but I didn't.  And tonight I wish I had taken a second to snap even a poor selfie in the bathroom mirror.   Last week Amelia reached up and grabbed my belly and kissed it.  Why didn't I ever take a picture of her loving on her baby sis and talking to her while she was in my belly?  When the kids came to the hospital to meet Eloise, why didn't I take a video and preserve the looks of awe and pure wonder on their faces, and record their voices and sweet things they first said upon meeting her?  

I hate all these regrets.  These moments that pass so quickly, often without a second thought at the time, but in the days following delivery I always replay them in my mind and load up on wish I would haves and why didn't i's.  I know it'll pass and in the coming weeks and months it won't feel so awful or like such a loss.  Maybe, though, just maybe, I can attempt to document more from this point on.   

The birth of Eloise Claire | part 2

We left the Clemons' house at 9:47 (I was somewhat timing contractions but not really because well I'm the only sober adult remember?) and by the time I got Amelia's bag packed and Heather picked her up, and got some of my own things placed, it was ohhhh 10:30 when we were ready to leave.  Oh, and Ryan had showered.  I already instructed him on the way home to shower because alcohol.  At this point I was afraid my contractions were too uncomfortable for me to drive so holy mother of Mary, Ryan drove us to the hospital.  I was a littl worried that this was going to progress fast.  With Hudson and Amelia, the doctor broke my water a few hours into labor and they were born within 2 or 3 hours.  Gah!   

We got to the hospital and Ryan is all wanting to drop me off.  No. Just park.  I can walk.  He finds a spot and decides he should BACK THE YUKON IN.  Oh my word.  He made it, luckily, but way to irritate me.  We go in the ER entrance bc they lock up the front entrance to the hospital.  I was instructed by the l&d nurse to just head up to the 4th floor.  Ryan, however, is insistent I need a wheelchair even though I'm about to waddle my ass away from him and leave him there talking to an ER nurse with a wheel chair.  The nurse comes at me with the wheel chair and I'm all "I AM JUST FINE I DONT NEED A WHEELCHAIR!" (Seriously I am fine.... I can walk and breathe through my contractions. I am, however, highly irritated that my husband is making a big deal of this.).

We get to the 4th floor and I tell him just to shut his mouth and not talk... I've got this under control and I don't need to be any more irritated by his half drunken stupor.   A sweet nurse, Libby, takes me into a room to make sure it's amniotic fluid (hello.  Contractions are 3min apart and I'm like don't talk to me during them so I can breathe. This is labor if this isn't my 4th kid...)

Some foreign doctor comes in, Dr. Rashandwa!?, and starts asking really dumb questions like "what brings you in here tonight? So, you think you're in labor, correct? And is asking me questions during my contractions.   I'm staring at the ceiling thinking.... This can't be happening.  I have a drunk husband, this is my LAST BABY.  My LAST DELIVERY.   And thus doctor is also incompetent and I'm highly irritated with everyone in this room except sweet Libby.  Can Libby and I have a baby together?!?

 Luckily, he is not the delivery doctor.   By this time it is 11:30pm.   He checks me and I'm 4cm and 80% effaced.  I can't remember what this is supposed to mean but I know that I'm in more and more pain by each contraction and I'm paranoid I am not going to have time to get an epidural.   I text Paige back to give her an update as I last left her hanging with a phone call about leaky water.   My husband has been on am his phone typing quite a bit so I'm sure he's half drunk face booking and half updating everyone in the world with our riot of a birth story progress.  

I get into a delivery room and the next hour is kind of a blur.  I remember being pretty calm and collected during contractions, and then suddenly realizing that it usually takes what seems like forever for the anesthesiologist to come in and starting to panic that I'm not going to get an epidural and I will have to deliver in horrific pain.  I start to cry instead of breathing during contractions and beg my nurses to just get the epidural here.  The anesthesiologist comes in and I'm watching every move he makes, wishing he would hurry the hell up.  

the birth of Eloise Claire | part 1

Well, we ALMOST got our 23rd of the month birthday baby.... Almost!   Hudson's birthday is 5/20, porters is 2/21 and Amelia's is 4/22.  We were rooting for 5/23 for this little one but we missed it by 2hrs and 16 minutes.  Although..... if she were a west coast baby we could have made it haha!

This past week had been a rough one.  Is been feeling pretty depressed and withdrawn, just done with the world.  Done being pregnant.  Done being huge and uncomfortable and grumpy.  Our house had been torn apart to have new floors put in, so that was irritating me (having furniture in all the wrong rooms and nowhere to walk comfortably through).   

Saturday, Ryan and the boys went over to a friends house to help put a railing on their deck. Amelia and I stayed behind, cleaning the house and we took a nice nap in the afternoon.  After our nap, we went with Jamie and the boys to play putt putt golf.   It was nowhere near as fun or relaxing as i had imagined.  Amelia was either a hole in front of us or behind us, or in the middle of the boys' way.  Hudson just wanted to putt putt and have fun (he'd only gone one other time), and the 3 older boys argued most of the time about keeping score and who was cheating and what not.  After golf, we took all 5 kids to Meijer (mind you I already needed a drink by this point) and then headed back to Jamie and Tony's house to grill dinner. 

The evening was relaxing... Us girls chatted, the guys had some drinks and grilled, the kids played in the yard.   Great evening.  Around 8 or so noticed I was leaking fluid a little.  It wasn't like I was losing my bladder.... I've been dealing with that crap for the past 3 months.  I called Paige and asked her what to do...  She suggested wrapping it up there and heading home soon.  I didn't think it was that urgent of an issue.  I just rolled up some toilet paper to soak up and little leaking and voila haha!  Around 9 I started having some mild contractions.  Mind you, my husband had been drinking all. Freaking. Day.   So he was totally lit.  It's a long weekend, we've been with friends all day.... My due date isn't for 2 more weeks.  All of a sudden, I started just gushing water on the floor.  Holy embarrassing.  It was quite hilarious as well... All the kids are like "why are you peeing on the floor?!" Haha!   

Luckily, Jamie and Tony offered to keep the boys (well actually all 3 kiddos but I wasn't sure if Amelia would stay in a strange place), so I texted my sister to have her pick Amelia up.  At this point I was just wanting to get home so I could leak fluid in the privacy of my own home, not with our friends bath towel stuck between my legs in a crowd of people.  Imagine, though, my drunk and overly concerned husband freaking out about me driving home.  Our friend Mike was insistent he would drive us to the hospital.  Kids are running all around, wondering what the heck is going on.  I'm trying to find Amelia, waddling through the yard with a bath towel between my legs, growling at Ryan and Mike that I am So Fine To Drive Myself Home.  Hahahaha!  It was a hot mess.  

We finally got on the road (we only live about 10 min away) and by the time we got home and I had thrown some random clothes and necessities in a bag (why do I never have any idea what to pack??), my contractions were getting pretty strong and uncomfortable.  I texted my birth photographer (who was 2 hours away) and let the hospital know we were on our way. 

Stay tuned for Part 2.  

18 weeks | It's a.....

We were finally able to get a good peek at this little one.  I knew I wanted to do something fun to tell the kids if they were going to have a new brother or sister... so I decided to do a cake and put colored frosting in the middle.

We told the kids they'd find out if the baby was a boy or girl when we cut into the cake.  Porter said "So, wait... are there going to be baby CLOTHES in the cake... or is it frosting?"  HAHA!  

The video of this is really hilarious, so if you're a Facebook friend, check it out.  Cracks me up.

Porter said he wanted a boy.  Amelia says brother and Hudson wants a girl.  Hudson also said we need a girl so there are 2 boys and 2 girls... but then we need another boy then another girl. HA!  I asked where all these babies were going to sleep and he said "Eh, in the basement."

Porter pulled the server out of the cake and it was..... PINK!   We're having another GIRL!  

Porter scrunches his nose and says "Aughhh!  A stupid girl!"  Amelia just stares at the cake like... yum yum yum.... and Hudson is all grins... HUGE grin.   I say "It's a girl!" And Hudson raises his arms and screams "YAY!"  Amelia copies him.  Porter does a face plant into the table.

Poor bud was embarrassed afterward... he cried into the table for a bit and then felt embarrassed for how he acted.  :(   It is kind of funny to me that he's so bummed because he just adores Amelia.   However, I think he's worried about having another SIBLING... he kept saying "I don't want to have 3 siblings!"  Hopefully he'll have a change of heart once she arrives.  I think he'll be wrapped around her finger like he has been with Amelia (though... she's gotten into that stinker age where she's getting into the boys' things and being a pest in general).

For the past week or so (maybe a little longer) I've been feeling little flutters from the baby.  I forget how sweet that is!  I'll enjoy the next couple months before it becomes full on jabs and stretches and rib and crotch kicks HAHA!

13 weeks

I had my 13 week appointment on Wednesday.  Heartbeat was in the 160's and everything else was normal.  I went in to see LeeAnn Thursday night to take a peek at the baby.  He/She was being super wiggly and we weren't able to get a very good picture of the baby.  He/She was in a really awkward position and kind of upside down.   Have you heard of "the Angle of the Dangle"?   It's pretty fascinating!   We tried it with Amelia and I *think* we were accurate... but heck if I remember (I'd have to pull out her ultrasound pics).   We attempted to peek at this one but he/she wasn't giving us a super great side view.  I'm so glad I got to see this little one wiggling and moving all around.   Makes it feel more real (as if feeling like a huge 80 year old whale didn't feel real enough....).

I started an ExpectNet game to see what everyone thinks the baby will be, when it'll be born and how much he or she will weigh. I loved doing these games with the other kiddos pregnancies!

Cravings:  Nothing major recently... nothing that I "HAVE" to have.  

Symptoms/Feelings:   My hip issues are already starting.   I have begun to see the chiropractor (Which Amelia calls the "firecracker") at least once a week.  I do need to go again for the 2nd time this week.  Boobs are still hurting and huge.  I haven't been sleeping well either... quite a few nights in a row I have been waking up a couple times a night.  Makes for some unproductive and exhausting days.  

Changes:  Between my huge boobs and huge belly, my regular shirts end up too short on me.  I finally went shopping and got some maternity shirts and have ordered a few pair of pants off eBay.  

Baby right now, at 13 weeks, is the size of a peach

12 weeks

Cravings:  

Bread, cheese, cereal and milk.   Pizza sauce/spaghetti sauce give me heartburn and acid reflux.  I still eat it though, just not a ton.  I've also craved Arby's roast beef sandwiches and Wendy's spicy chicken sandwiches.  

Symptoms/Feelings:  

Heartburn. UGH.  Peppermint oil has been my lifesaver here.  A drop under the tongue and wash it down with water helps super quick.   My boobs.. SORE and huge. Gross.  I remember why I hate pregnancy.   My sense of smell has been like super-sized.  CRAZY.  I haven't been as tired or nauseous lately which is a plus!

Changes:  I feel huge.  Still looking more fat than pregnant.  Gross.  

Baby right now, at 12 weeks, is the size of a plum

9 weeks

I feel like this had been the longest pregnancy ever.  I feel old and aged.  But technically it probably will be the longest pregnancy ever since I've practically been pregnant since the end of July.  With a two week miscarriage between the end of August/beginning of September and then pregnant again right after.   So. Yeah.  Longest pregnancy ever. 

I started this pregnancy thinking.  I don't need to gain an ounce.  I'm going to watch what I eat.  I'll exercise.   And then, like with the rest of my pregnancies but 10 times worse, the exhaustion and nausea hit.   I was going to bed at 8 every night and eating non stop during the day because a full tummy was the only thing that got rid of nausea (but then I was constantly uncomfortable because I was full). At almost 10 weeks I can kind of see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't have the extreme urge to nap everyday on top of sleeping 10 hours a night.  I do try not to walk into my room after putting Amelia down for a nap because my bed always looks so amazingly comfortable and the dim room after closing the curtains is just so cozy and relaxing.  

I've been getting constant heartburn and acid reflux.  It sucks.  Peppermint oil has been a HUGE help (put a drop under my tongue and then drink water). Literally everything I eat makes me acidy.   I crave cereal and milk (fruit loops!).  And I was craving bread-- anything breadlike.  That has lessens a little.  

the best sound ever

This morning I had an ultrasound to figure out dates of our 4th little one.  Since I got pregnant so quickly after my miscarriage in August, we didn't have any dates to go on.  I was nervous to go to the ultrasound... I was terrified there wouldn't be a baby. I was guessing I was somewhere near 7/8 weeks along, so I was hoping that the heartbeat would be able to be heard.

I never thought I'd be so excited to hear a heartbeat in my life.  I saw the little flicker on the screen and I got teary eyed.  I was measuring 7 weeks 1 day, and the heartbeat was 150bpm.  YAY!  My due date is June 7, 2015.  I'm praying for a healthy, uneventful pregnancy and hopefully very minimal weight gain.  GAH.   I'm kind of disgusted because I truly could gain NOTHING this pregnancy and  be heavy enough.  I'm going to have to do some serious weight loss and toning after this baby arrives!

it doesn't have to be taboo

Have you seen the article about the Duggar kids floating around... The one talking about how they announced their pregnancy before the standard 12 weeks, and that they chose to do so because they would acknowledge their baby if they did miscarry?  This kind of hit home with me, and made me feel guilty.  

See, right after I came home from Silver retreat I found out I was pregnant.  Yes.  Pregnant.  #4.  Huge surprise and not planned.  At.  All.  I spent a good week feeling awful.... Thinking about the things that a 4th child would screw up.  Like drinking wine in France, or vacationing as a family in one hotel room or only having 3 cubby baskets in my foyer.   And then I started to realize how great it would be... One more child to love (or drive me crazy), one more chance to savor those little baby moments, one more gummy faced smile, one more first step.  I got excited about watching our 3 kiddos with a new baby, and seeing Porter and Hudson dote on another little baby.  I started to get excited.  

We have never really announced our pregnancies until I think close to 10 weeks.  Usually after we get a chance to have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat.  Before we left for France we told a few family members, and I'd told a couple close friends. But while we were in France, Ryan talked freely about it.  My getting knocked up was kind of the butt of our jokes because, well, it's kind of funny when your friend asks if you have a tampon bc they need one in the middle of a castle tour and you're like "Hello, me? Did you forget I got knocked up?"  

We got home from France and I was looking forward to LeeAnn scanning me and hopefully becoming "Facebook official" as I was close to 9 weeks along.  

And then I miscarried.  And it kind of became this taboo, awkward thing.  Thank GOD I was home when this began because it was a painful few days, physically and emotionally.  I wanted to hole up in my room for the week and just be done with it.  It was an awful last week of summer.  I felt like I was in labor for half of the week and unable to do anything productive with the kids.  I was grumpy and sad and nonexistent as a mother.  I felt like a failure.  I let a few people know what happened but all the "acquaintances" that had been told?  What do you do then?  Ugh.  And then this article came out.  And I realized.... This doesn't have to be a big secret.  This happened.  This baby had a heartbeat and little arms that moved and it shouldn't be taboo.   It's part of our story.  I can write about it.  And document this as part of our life.
I am no stranger to miscarriage.  Before we had Porter I miscarried very early- at 5 weeks.  It was awful-  when the only thing you want is a baby and you lose a pregnancy you're so excited about and you don't have other children to keep you preoccupied and all you can think about is the waiting and wishing and hoping.  This miscarriage hasn't been as emotionally difficult- it was unexpected, both the pregnancy and the miscarriage, but I do feel sad when I realize I should be 12 weeks along now, and that other friends are announcing pregnancies and I would have been pregnant with them. 

I'm not sure where we will go from here. We hadn't planned on a 4th child but now that we welcomed the idea I feel like it feels right.  But then I worry that maybe the miscarriage was a sign that we aren't supposed to have a 4th.  That we don't need anymore craziness in our lives (who does?).  And, well, we all know the Ry and I never produce any calm, complacent, docile children so surely a 4th would be another wild, strong willed, independent kiddo.  I guess time will tell, and we'll have to see what direction prayers and fate point us in.  But for now, I rest easy knowing I don't have to feel like this is/was something to hide.  Thank you, Duggars, for opening my eyes.  

Hospital Bag?

Shouldn't I be prepared this 3rd time around?  HAH!  I am at a loss as to what to pack in a bag for the hospital.   Obviously, my no-brainers are:  Camera, Charger, CF Cards, Video Camera..... and..... uhm..   hahaha!

The hospital (at least when I had Hudson) provided most of the "essentials" while you're there... diapers, wipes, formula, pads, etc etc.   So, I know not to pack all those things.

Help me out... what were some "must haves" you packed for the hospital when you delivered?

Epidural or Not?

Something that has been on my mind a bit lately is my "birth plan" for baby girl.  I'll be honest... I'm a "mom of convenience".  I have no problem with modern conveniences and using them (scheduled inductions, getting an epidural, bottle feeding, sleep training, etc etc), and typically think its nuts to not make use of something that can make your life easier.

Awhile back I made up my Bucket List (oddly I've been revisiting this list a lot lately to see what kind of goals I can complete.  Is this because I have recently turned 30 and somehow feel like life is so short??)  So on my list was to give birth naturally.  This will 99.9% be my last delivery (unless some miracle should happen!), and I am kind of feeling like this is my last chance to

A couple years back I read Dooce's birth story (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3) and was totally inspired to try a natural childbirth.  Actually, I think she was the reason I added it to my Bucket List, that's how inspired I was!

My mom texted me a few months ago and had been reading my Bucket List and said "I noticed on your bucket lst..... give birth without drugs.... this is your chance!" And I was all "Hahahahahahah!  No way.  I enjoyed Hudson's birth too much!  Hahahahahaha!"

And then last week I came across this blog and read her birth story and thought... maybe I should reconsider?  Maybe I should try it?  This IS my last chance....

However.... I'm terrified of the pain.  I'm terrified of having a sucky ass birth experience, especially when it is my last.  Hudson's birth- amazing.  Went in at 7am, induced, epi at 11, delivered shortly after 1pm.  And sure... I think, I only had the epi for 2 hours... I could do 2 hours of hell, right?  I probably could.  But what if... what if I end up with a 20 hour labor or something?  EEEK!  I guess I could always give in?  I don't know.

I personally have nothing against getting an epidural.  Like I said, both of my deliveries were fine, though Hudson's so much easier (P came out sunny side up and I pushed for 2.5 hours so.... I was pretty exhausted after delivering him).  Hudson... I had him in 2 pushes and sat up and was all "I could do that again!"   I don't remember feeling terrible after delivery, or anything like that.  I don't regret the epidural at all.  I think I'm mostly looking at trying natural childbirth just to... I dunno... see if I could do it?  WTF.  HAHA!  Its just... I always hear people knocking inductions- saying labor is harder, worse etc... blah blah.   But I was induced both times and would gladly beg for another induction this time.  I didn't feel like my labors were terrible at all.  So, when people typically say its "easier" after a natural delivery I kind of silently think "uhh huh..." because I really don't have memories of horror after two induced epidural deliveries.

I'd love to hear your thoughts... advice... websites... links.... stories... share away!  Have any of you readers attempted a natural childbirth after an epi childbirth?  Which did you prefer?  Did you cave in and end up with an epidural?

Thursday Thursday

• Anyone else watch Private Practice?  The story with Mason and his mom dying is SO SO sad.  Makes my heart break.  I can't imagine being Erica and having to choose between dying alone and knowing you wouldn't see your son again, or letting him see her shut down and die.  And Mason... I can't imagine either of my boys being told they couldn't see me again.  Heartbreaking!  You bet I bawled like a baby when they said goodbye.  


• My feet.  They are so so fat.  This is at 8:30am.  Sausage toes and swollen ankles.  ICK.  

• And speaking of feet... I painted my toes the other day for the first time since last summer.  Hudson was intrigued and wanted his toes painted too.  He wanted red, but I didn't have any red.  So he wanted pink.  Ryan was not too happy, but Hudson LOVES his pink toenails.  Its hilarious.   And of course when we went to my doctor's appointment he wanted to wear flip flops.  HAHA! 

• Hudson and I spent the afternoon and early evening at the hospital.  I was sent from my routine appointment to L&D and then to have a BPP.  Details on baby's blog. 

• Anyone out there have a front loading washer?  I swear ours stinks (literally).  If laundry isn't swapped over right away they tend to have this weird smell.  Mildewy, kind of.  Ryan has ran different cleaners that are specifically to clean front load washers but still... laundry tends to stink.  UGH.  

Hump Day Ramblings

• SO SO beautiful out today- mid 70's and sunshine! 


• I surprised Porter and picked him up from school and took him to Dairy Queen.  He got a slushy/ice cream float.  Hmm.   We took our goodies to the park and threw rocks in the stream and ate our ice cream. 


• On the way home from work today I heard THE perfect song for baby sis' birth slideshow.  I am in love. 

• This warm weather is amazing, but I so pity women who are preggers in the summer.  I've been swelling up in the evenings the past few weeks, but today at work my feet were like sausages and my hands were all puffy.  Didn't help that the heat is still on at school and our classroom was easily 80*.  ICK!  


• I've decided to take a semi-leave from Facebook.  I'm going to take a break from posting, but will still check occasionally to keep up on friends/family etc.  I want to try to retrain myself to choose Blogger to post on vs. sending a blip to Facebook.   But, I don't want to withdraw completely from FB as it definitely has a time/place in life today.  I just need to refocus my priorities. 


• Do you know who Rev Run is (you know, from Run D.M.C)?  Oh I am so addicted to his "words of widsom".  Love it.  I've been posting them on Facebook (see... again... dissing the blog!) and wanted to write them down here as well.  
• The Lord will make perfect that which concerns me. Psalms 138:8. 
• Solid plan to have a stress free life: Do your best and forget the rest. 
• Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it just means you've decided to look beyond life's imperfections.
• Remember:: The Law of Gods Grace is: When you are down to nothing, Gods up to something!!
• You lessen your blessin when you compare what you have to others. 


• Denise is currently doing a "30 Days of 30" blog posting (the idea started with Lindsay ).  I was bummed I didn't start this in December and document my first 30 Days of 30, but decided... hey, why not start it now?  So, I think I'll be working on those kind of posts for the next 30 days.  Hopefully I can stick with it!


• I've got a couple designs done for baby sis' birth announcement... love all of them so now the hard part is deciding which one to use!  Still no name for this little girl.  I think *I* am down to 3 names... though Ryan is pretty stuck on one in particular.  Her nursery is pretty much done- just need to quilt/bind the quilt, fill in a few frames with artwork/pics on the wall, recover the glider cushions and make a changing pad cover.  I am in love with how her room has turned out.  It is so much better than I ever envisioned!


• My grad class is ALMOST done.  I'm in week 7 and next week is the last week!  I'm behind 2 assignments but... ughhh.  I'm not stressing.  I am not a "must get a 4.0" type of student and this might sound terrible but when the class started one of the first things I did was check the syllabus to see how many points I could possibly miss and still get a B.  HAHA!  It's pretty certain I'll be getting a B or somewhere around there.  I'm just so unmotivated anymore.  

Hump Day Thoughts

• The weather today is gorgeous... 65*, sunny and a slight breeze.  LOVE IT.   Porter didn't have school yesterday and I so wish the boys were home this afternoon instead of yesterday.  We will have to go out and ride bikes or go on a walk tonight (for me... uh... to the neighbors driveway and back  BAHAHAH! Ok... I can attempt further I suppose).


• Goodbye paper snowflakes on the windows... time for a new "springy" project to decorate the windows.  Any ideas?


• I've fallen into a slump of dwelling on the past these last couple days... wishing things were the way they used to be.  Which is silly... I can't change people's decisions and I certainly can't change others' thoughts and feelings.  Its one of those "sad because its over and mourning the loss of what used to be such a great thing" type of things.  Trying to stay positive and move on.


• I'm almost through with my first week of working half days.  Loving it so far, of course, but will probably not love it so much when my paychecks start coming in.  Oh well... I'm summing it up to mental health afternoons.  I need daytime to either rest or get school work/accounting/housework stuff done.  I'm too tired by the time 8:00 rolls around and the boys are in bed.


• I'm sad that we won't be spending spring break in Holden Beach this year, or well, any beach as we usually do.  Trying to keep my eye on the prize and know that baby sis will be well worth missing one annual beach vacay.  There's always next year, right?


• Thank you, yet another person at work, for pointing out that I am waddling. You don't think I realize, you know, between my hips feeling like pliers are ripping them apart and knives are being stabbed into my joints.  Thank you for making me aware of the waddle. And, no, calling me "ducky" is not cute or funny.


• The boys are getting SO SO excited for baby sis to get here.  We have a baby girl doll that is wearing some preemie jammies and the boys play with her in baby sis' room all the time.  They put her in the swing and in the carseat and bouncer, and Hudson likes to lay her on his mine mine's and cover her up.  Almost daily they ask "When will baby sis get here?!" and every time I have a doctor's appointment (every 2 weeks now), Hudson asks if we're going to the doctor to get sissy.  Its sooo cute.  I am going to make a countdown for them, I think, to count down the days until my due date.

Work Weary

This week is quite possibly my last week working full days.  I've decided to cut back my hours (to only working 4hrs/day) and have someone else take over my RTI time in the afternoon.  By noon my back is killing me from sitting on hard chairs and walking all around the school, and by the end of the day (after 6 groups of kids, walking back and forth to 6 different classrooms at all ends of the school) I'm completely wiped out.  I get home and have to lay down because my back and hips hurt so bad, and I pretty much have nothing left to give my kids- let alone my husband or the house or laundry and all that stuff.  Let's not forget my mood... I'm cranky and grumpy and irritable and short tempered by the end of the day.  Boo.

I've wavered back and forth about taking the afternoons off.  On one hand I feel like a complete lazy ass for wanting to call it quits at 31 weeks pregnant.  I still have 9 more weeks to go!  On the other hand, I realize the circumstances around this pregnancy are quite different than when I was pregnant with Porter, or even Hudson.  With Porter all I had to do was incubate.  I didn't have other kids to worry about and though I worked full-time (student teaching) up until 34 weeks, I did have the last 6 weeks to sit on my butt.  With Hudson, I was half days up until 20 weeks and then full days until the very very end.  But even then I only had Porter at home, and our house was 1/3 of the size (so much less to clean and only ONE little 2 year old to pick up after).  And on top of that I'm in the middle of getting all my business stuff ready for my accountant (ahem.... uh... the entire last years' worth of bookwork EEEEK!) and I'm taking a grad class.

So... I do have a lot on my plate and my body is just not loving this pregnancy as well as it did the last two.  Just sitting at my desk (errr table at work) or at the computer is painful.  The only position I feel comfortable is laying horizontal.  Doing nothing.  Just.  Laying.  And I don't think that'll fly at work.

I guess that's where I'm at.  I've worked it out with my boss and have someone to cover my RTI hours, with plans for her to take over for me next week.  I'm hoping that getting out at 12:30 will give me time to rest for a bit or do laundry or grocery shop (or work on my business tax stuff to get to my accountant!) etc before the kids get home.... a little refresher before Round 2, and even then once they're in bed I still have homework to do a couple evenings a week.  GAHH.

Grumpy

I'm grumpy today.
We woke up late, and I didn't hVe time to shower.
Porter had no clean underwear.
Neither did I.
So we are both wearing underwear that is slightly too small.
Hudson is wearing mismatched socks (a white one oh P's and a blue McQueen one) and he may or may not be going commando.
I found another pair of my maternity pants that Ryan dried. That makes 4 pairs this week, plus one shirt.
I am whittling down to nothing that fits.
I am wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday.
This is depressing.
I'm sick of being pregnant.
I left the house with no makeup on. Makes me feel even more disgusting on top of no shower, yesterdays clothes, enormously fat and skanky hair.
The scale at the doctors office hates me and I've gained 3lbs in 2 weeks.
I'm limping like an old person today. My left inner thigh joint is killing me every time I walk.
I feel like crying at my OB appt.
My iron count is low (11.6 and cut off is 11.3).
Maybe this is why I feel exhausted by lunchtime everyday?
Hudson and I are going to A2 today.
I'm going to attempt to find some maternity clothes at the resale shop.
There is a whole slew of places I'd like to stop at while in A2 but sadly I'm pretty sure I'll be too tired and achy to go to more than one or two stores.
11 more weeks to go.

Sent from my iPhone

Name Polls!

So... baby girl still doesn't have a name.  We DO have a short list and I am thinking we will probably take that short list to the hospital and name her then.  We are not sharing the names (I'm kind of having fun keeping it a secret!), however, I'm curious as to outsiders' opinions of the names.  I made up a few polls, with a mixture of names we like and some names we used to like and some names that aren't even on our list (you know... to keep it discreet HAHA!).  So... out of each of the 7 pairs, can you choose your favorite?   Thanks!

(And... if you'd like... leave a comment with your top 3 names out of the list!  I'd love to hear!)

Ready, Set.... Weekend!

This weekend I flew solo, as Ryan had a guys weekend up north with 6 of his buddies. They were supposed to snowmobile, but with the lack of snow I think the weekend turned out to be a whole lot of drinking and card playing and just relaxing. Much deserved, though as much as glad as I was that he had a great weekend away, I was glad to have him home. I have not been feeling well (mainly pregnancy related) and am just plain achy, grumpy and exhausted for the most part.

The boys and I had a pretty low key weekend. We finally got a little snow on Friday (which meant terrible driving conditions for the guys, yet not enough for snowmobiling), and the boys played outside for a bit on Saturday morning. In the afternoon, Dave came over to babysit while I spent some time at the cottage scrapbooking with Jane and Jessica. I am so thankful for Such a great father in law who is willing to watch the kids on short notice. I woke up Sat morning sooo crabby and was definitely in need of some me time.

Sunday I woke up in a lot of pain and it was miserable just walking. I was supposed to work in Hudson's class at church but ended up calling in. I felt really bad about it but I knew I wasn't up to getting the boys around, getting myself ready and out the door, plus the bending and squatting and floor sitting I'd need to do with 3 and 4 year olds. Next week hopefully I'll be feeling better.

We ended up just lounging around at home and the boys went outside for a bit I play (and Porter shoveled the sidewalk and driveway for me again. Love that helpful boy!). We made Porters Valentines and addressed them all, and then we all rested for a bit.

Is it just me or does the weekends seem to be flying by faster than ever?! I guess in a way it's a good thing... Gets me closer to my due date! However, I'm pretty much living for my weekends and that (along with my weekday evening shows) is what gets me through the work week lately.

This month is going to fly by I am sure. My mom is in town again this Thursday, V-Day parties etc are Tuesday, we have Monday off of school for Presidents Day and Porters birthday is next Tuesday. That'll bring us up to the 21st.... Close to March!

So, here's to another week. And here is to hoping it flies by!

Teeth, Sports, Careers and Babies

-Porter lost his 2nd tooth last night.  It'd been wiggly for a few weeks and Oma had told Porter the other day that if he pulled his tooth out before Saturday's Christmas she'd give him $2.  Last night he asked me, out of the blue, "Mom, do you want me to pull my tooth out?"  I said I didn't care (because, really??) and he walked into the kitchen, got a towel, came back into the living room and pulled that baby out in a second and said "Oops, there it is! I pulled it out!"  So random.  HAHA! Not sure if he was motivated more by the money promised by Oma or that he wanted to pull his 2nd tooth out before Aubri pulled hers out.

-Porter started basketball on Thursday.  It should be interesting... they had one practice (Thurs) and have a game next Saturday.  As usual, Porter was the only kid on his team (there are 6 kids) that was dinking around with his shorts, hands in his pocket, hopping and spinning around while the coach was instructing them on drills.   He said it was boring because he didn't get to play... but doesn't get that he has to LEARN how to play in order to PLAY.  Duh.  The child has no attention, I swear.   So... we're holding him to playing this season (just until the end of Feb) because he is the one that initiated that he wanted to play basketball and the money is paid already.  I hope that he enjoys it after they start playing games.

-I decided to drop my Master's classes.  I am taking a different direction (approach, mindset etc..) and just getting my 18 credits in a planned program to move onto my professional license.  The past few months I've become more at peace with where I am at with my work/career path at this time.  The bottom line was that I'm not sure when I'll be fulltime and I don't want to spend the next 4 years busting my butt to get my Masters degree and have it possibly over-qualify me and hold me back from getting hired in full time.  College will be there later.  Masters degrees will be there later.  One on one days with the kids?  They're limited.  And I'm so glad I have made that discovery now rather than later.  My kids are only little for such a short period of time and I want to try to focus on them and not so much on building a career.  Sure, I'd love to be teaching full time but I also know that that would mean less time with my kids (no Friday-Mom-Days, more time planning at home etc) and right now I'm okay with not being full time.  I'm okay with putting the extra time into the boys (and soon baby sis) and viewing it as a blessing rather than a setback.  Sure, it may mean a few more years of doing photography more than I'd like, and it may mean driving my rusty but paid-off van instead of getting something shiny and new but I am choosing to be thankful for my Fridays with Hudson right now and thankful that I have been blessed with photography skills and a prosperous part time business that helps fill in the gaps when we need it to.

-Baby Sis (as we've come to call her) still does not have a name.  We have a few top contenders (and really, though, Ryan is pretty set on one name) but I'm not 100%.  I don't have an absolute favorite, but feel pulled by one in particular.  I don't know.  Regardless, we've decided to keep her name to ourselves until she is born.  Even if we decide I feel that this time I need to SEE her to be settled on her name.

Her room is coming along nicely!  Her walls are a light light spring green (very pale yellow/green).  New curtain rods have been hung and the curtains have been made (by me!) and hung.  We purchased a dresser at a resale shop and it was a pale yellow (which was pretty in itself but it clashed with the wall color) and I repainted it pink and distressed it so the yellow shows through in spots.  It is beautiful.  I love love love it.  I've attempted to work on her quilt today but only got so far as to cut out the 5" squares.  My sewing machine has taken a dump on me.  So, hopefully I'll get some progress done on that soon!  I still need a rug for her room though I kind of want to get the bedding done first to see if I need color or something neutral.  I wanted to do pink, but now that I have the curtains up I am leaning towards wanting something shaggy and cream/white colored.  We'll see.