The. Best. Christmas. Tree. Ever. (if you have a sense of humor)

Fun family traditions?  Uh.  Seems like anytime we try to plan something fun as a family it ends up being a ridiculous stressful event full of whining and irritated huffing and puffing.

Today for example.  We planned to get our Christmas tree   A real one this year.  I also planned to meet a lady at meijer at noon to buy a movie.   I told Ryan this at like 10 am.   Amelia laid down for a nap and at 1130 I decides to wake her up and asked Ry to get the boys coats, shoes and hats on and pack some cheese and crackers while I got Amelia dressed.

Well he had to get himself dressed.  And then mentioned he needed to dump garbage out of the truck (he takes our garbage to his work to dump).  Then the truck was in the back yard (which is gated), so we had to move the van to get the truck out.  The carseats weren't even in the truck.  The chainsaw wasn't in the truck.  Porter was whining and getting pissed because his shoes didn't "feel right".  Hudson was getting pissed because he couldn't get his mitten on right.  Amelia was pissed because she wanted a bottle.  I was pissed because we only had 10 minutes to get across town to meet this lady.  Ughhh.   I was ready to call it quits and just dig out the fake tree yet again.  

But... we made it work.  I called the lady, we got the carseats in the truck, the kids loaded up and we made it only 15 minutes late.  Sure, we were all silent and brooding on the trip out there but once we got to the tree farm (which is a friends' parents tree farm, and was closed so we had the run of the place) our spirits lifted.  The boys were really excited about our new adventure.   

The pickins' were kind of slim for a smaller tree.  These trees were HUGE!  We walked all the way down the path and back and contemplated and discussed and compared and pondered.   Ryan's theory was "We just need to find one that has a good 'body' and we can trim it into a good shape once we're home" Ok.  Remember this, right?   

So we find a few trees that are far too tall.  One would work if we hacked the top off (it was kind of narrower in the middle toward the top) and others seemed like they'd work if we hacked about 4 feet off the bottom and trimmed the sides up a ton.  We finally settled on one that seemed pretty close to what we needed.  It was a little fuller than we'd liked but we figured we can trim it up, right? 

We took a few pictures... my hubby is the best- he carried this huge wooden uh, thing, over so I could set my camera up and use the self timer.   We packed the tree up, and headed home.  

Here's where the fun begins... are you ready for some laughs??  When we finally got around to bringing the tree in it was dark.  Ryan went outside and when he brought the tree in the first thing I thought was "WOAH... way too big."  We obviously either overestimated the size of our house or underestimated the size of that tree.  The second thought? "What the hell happened to the top of the tree and why is there so much trunk showing?!"  (Ryan says "I only trimmed a little off the top!)  I am pretty sure this is why he said to me "I"m going to run up to Menards for garbage bags... and look at their trees." I shot the idea down.  NO!  We went and picked out our tree and we're going to make it work!  Little did I know he'd hacked a hunk of the top off of it! HAAH!

So out to the front yard we went with a hedge trimmer and chainsaw.   Ry cut off some of teh trunk (and I'm pretty sure more of the branches at the bottom because we needed to cut MORE trunk off later), and I went to town with the hedge trimmers trying to shape the tree into a recognizable triangle shape.   The neighbor came by to get his dog (who ran into our yard) and said "That's unique... cutting the top of the tree off instead of the bottom!  Shows you don't follow the crowd, huh?"  HAHAHA!

After oh, an hour?? Who knows... and many many laughs, we finally got our tree looking decent.  Oh my word.   Ryan kept saying we should just go buy another tree and I refused.  No.  This was OUR ugly tree and it is going to be a great memory.  Ugly or not, it's staying.  

Buggy

These kids are killing me this weekend...


"Mom, do you have a nickel of a tank left?" (Porter is always asking how much gas we have to drive on... he's paranoid we'll run out. Apparently, a nickel of a tank is just a bit less than a quarter of a tank? HAHA!)


Put bug spray on the boys. Hudson yells at me "Hey don't put that on me! I'm not a BUG!"

he's a monster

Our chairs at the island have wicker seats. Hudson got up from breakfast and noticed the deep indents on his feet from the seats. He says, worried, "Something made me into a monster!" HAHAHA! Funniest. Thing. Ever.

If you see us today...

Porter insisted on wearing his soccer socks. Hahaha!

11 Step Program for Those Thinking About Having Kids.

Anne posted this on her blog.  As she did, I asterisked my favorites.  I completely cracked up at Lesson 7!!!

An 11 Step Program for Those Thinking About Having Kids.
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s eating, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.*

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner.*)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep*, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive.*)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.(wait wtf... 3-5 years???)*

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?*

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this – all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.*
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.****
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.*

Lesson 7***
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. {{Anne said: perhaps this is a tad outdated. Switch the aforementioned shows to Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, Dora, and Thomas.}} Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10*
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11*
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Straight ownin bake sales with my cupcake skillz....

Yeah we rock the SE not the SUV.

HAHAHAA!

I just have to share this

I found this blog through Cheeky Lotus' blog... and I was cracking up at her post. Cracked me up.... we're pretty straight up with our kids, too, and I could totally see something like this happening here HAHAHA!

read it.... here at Joy Unexpected

Postcards from Yo Mama

Have you read this blog? I found it the other night and it is hilarious. It is basically a website where people email in their hilarious emails/texts/conversations from their moms.

A few of my favs:

Don’t Passive-Aggressive-Smile-Face-ME

Mom: So when we come to Sydney can we stay at yours?

Mom: Hello?

Me: Oh. Sure. Well, actually there are a number of awesome hotels just a two minute walk from my house. I’ve just emailed you a bunch of links. Have a look! Am happy to book any of them for you. But, yeah, of course you are welcome to stay at mine, if you really want to.

Me: Mom?

Mom: You were welcome to stay in my uterus for nine months, and then my house for 17 years. But I understand, a week at your apartment might be a bit … much.

Me: Don’t you passive-aggressive-smile-face-ME, woman.

Mom: Fuck off. Love you – M.

The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club

Friday I’m doing something fun as well. Joan and I are starting a club called The Grown-Ass Woman’s Club. Our mascot is Gert Boyle (One Tough Mother) from Columbia Wear. Your stepfather is making fun of us but I think he’s just petty and jealous. I finally told him to shut up. That’s what GAW do when they are confronted with negativity. One of our field trips is going to be on a Saturday and we’re going to find those Red Hat Ladies and shove them down. They’re ridiculous and need to be eliminated.

Be Careful and Don’t Talk

Me: i have a date tonight
Mom: just be careful out there
Me: MOM, he’s fine. I’ve talked to him and he seems really cool. I’ll probably fuck it up anyway
Mom: Oh, don’t say that. Just smile…and don’t talk

Subject: The World Needs My Outlook

We were talking to Lora after you last night and she said I should write a blog. I have decided that the world needs my outlook. So I’m going to. Like today we went to the bank with Oscar, we were there for two hours. As Dad said it’s pretty bad when you can say your accomplishment for the day is to almost open a bank account.

Stuff like that. I am now going to email Bob, I don’t know how to make a blog get on the internets. He will know how to do it, but be a pain in the ass about telling me how, and that I can’t write anything anybody would want to read. I’m sort of dreading this already. You don’t know how to make a blog be on the internets do you?

The Lawn Whisperer

Mom: I can hear the lawn calling out–begging to me mowed

Me: Oh really? That’s weird I don’t hear anything

Mom: Listen closer

Fashion Tips for a Drag Queen Son

Backstory: My mom will often give me (her dragqueen son with nails and purple hair) WAY random and out there advice on fashion. One day she was asking what I was going to be wearing to a family function.

mom: so what r u gonna wear?

me: i dunno. something black Im sure.

mom: really?!

me: well all my pink clothes are in the wash

mom: well just don’t dress like Cher and don’t wear tight sweaters, they make you look cheap.

me: all righty then…..

Subject: Start Littering, Stop Breathing

Backstory: I got a notice today saying someone at my office was diagnosed with the Swine Flu. Some good advice from my mother on how to handle it…

Wash you hands, wash you hands, wash your hands. Don’t share pencils, etc. Put a paper towel over the bathroom door handle as you leave and drop it on the floor if you can’t reach the trash can while you hold open with your foot.

PS Don’t breathe at work. Love, MOM

Mom Vs. Telemarketers

Me: Mom, do you have a fax machine now? My calls won’t go through.
Mom: Yes, we bought that to stop telemarketing calls. We turn it on, and they can’t call us.
Me: Mom, NO ONE can call you.
Mom: Oh, I guess you’re right. Just send me an email when you want to call and I’ll turn off the fax.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Better yet.... go read the Highest Rated.... OMG I was cracking up at these all night long!!!

A funny for you....

I was checking in folders last week and about died laughing when I saw this turned in...

Oh, am I familiar with days like this....

Can't fix stupid

Random Day off Ramblings plus a little Pachelbel Rant

School was canceled today--- I think the roads were icy or something. Anyhow, I woke up around 8:15 thinking it was just a 2 hour delay and then checked online (some reason I don't get the call from the school anymore) and found out I had the day off. Good for my house (getting cleaned) bad for my paycheck.

I've been pretty productive today: did some dishes, some laundry, took out the garbage and stinky Diaper Champ, and managed to clean and organize my scrap area in the basement.

Some other randomness...

• We got our Nautilus yesterday and I took a little time today to get it ready to install in the car. I love it. Its nice and sturdy feeling, has a couple little "cubbies" for P to put little Matchbox cars, has a built in cup holder, lots of nice padding and its so easy to adjust. I LOVE it so far- as much, if not more than, my Safe Voyage, which I do really like!
• Hudson got his first real owie and bloody lip yesterday. He did a face plant into a toy and scratched a chunk of skin off of his his lip (mustache area). Looks like a big ol' Cindy Crawford mole...
• I've started looking into ideas for Porter's 3rd birthday (GAH!!!). I almost gave in and just went with a "buy the invite, decorations, plates" theme from Wal-Mart or the likes, but now that I've been browsing online I think I am getting pumped to plan a little more into decor. He didn't really even know you could have a certain type of birthday until I showed him some of the party decorations on Birthday Express.... his favorite things right now are cars/trucks/loaders (same ol'), Micky Mouse ClubHouse, Little Einsteins, Madagascar and.. hmm. So I think we're going to go for a Mickey Mouse themed party this year. I have a few cute ideas.

• Yesterday I made chocolate chip cookies from this recipe. I was out of butter but, oddly, had crisco on hand. They were pretty good.
• I thought this was pretty funny and showed it to Ryan who was less than amused. He's a dork, what can I say.
  

Don't forget tomorrow is Thoughts on Thursday! I don't think I've seen a TFT posted in quite awhile.... let's get it going again!

The Pink Nightmare lives on....

Oh no she didn't....

This is one of the pictures my mom showed me when I went to pick the boys up. Porter wanted to play in the snow and she just happened to have this Pink Nightmare of a snowsuit she had bought a few years ago for Aubri. Oh boy...

In other news today:

• Hudson ate his first jar of baby food- Sweet Potatoes- today. He really seemed to like them! I took a few pictures but am too lazy to upload them.
• I bought the Britax Marathon carseat for $43+ free shipping from Target.com. I'm sure it was an error, and I'm waiting for an email saying "Sorry... the pricing was a mistake" but wouldn't it be cool if I did get it that cheap?
  
• Desperate Housewives was great tonight... minus the freaking 7 minute long commercial break in the middle of it. Seriously... commercials are getting longer and longer! (Can you tell we don't have DVR right now!?! I'm dying...)
  

One Time Use Only, Pal

Porter was going potty before bed and after he hopped off the potty and I sat down to go. He started screaming "NO! Not on mine! Don't go pee on my pee pee!" I started peeing (woah TMI) and laughed at him as he said "NOOO! Don't go on MY pee! You're a mean Mommy!"

Then... he was supposed to be in bed with the lights off (more on lights/sleeping later... maybe a TFT?) and he had the lights on and was in bed reading a book. I said "Lights off, Buddy, time for bed." I sat down in my office (the doorway is across the hall from his room) and he got up, came to the door and said "Turning it back on, Pal." and closed his door. I was well...stunned and confused. Did he REALLY just say that? I went to his door and opened it as he was turning the light on. I said "What did you just say to me?" He said "Get out of here, Pal." OMG OMG OMG! What a punk! I had to stifle my laughter, though, as obviously he's not allowed to talk to us that way. (although lately... he's being so testy with how mouthy he can be) I asked him "Who says Pal?" He says "Mickey does." Ahh... MickeyMouse Clubhouse....

Kid, you're cracking me up lately.

Worries

Ryan and Porter woke up from napping this afternoon and Ryan got a bloody nose.

Porter was concerned for him and said to me "Oh no... daddy got a bloody nose!"

I said: "Oh no! What is going to happen?"

Porter (with all the seriousness in the world): "I don't know! Maybe his nose will fall off."

Proverbs

On Friday I did a mini lesson on proverbs with some of my third graders in the afternoon.

They were given a paper that had the beginning of well-known proverbs and they had to fill in the ending (or make it up, if they didn't know the actual ending). There are some hilarious answers and I just had to share.

Don't count your chickens and their eggs.

Do as I say and not what bullies say.

Don't count your chickens pox.

Bad news travels everywhere.

No use crying over homework.

Do as I say and not talk when I talk.

Don't count your chickens count numbers.

Ask no questions just come.

Ask no questions have no answers.

No use crying over me talking.

Do as I say and not disobey.

Don't count your chickens everyday.

Ask no questions if you don't have an answer.

Honesty is the truth.

Bad news travels through your ears.

Do as I say and not disagree.

Bad news travels when you sleep.

Honesty is the best goal.

Do as I say and not get hurt.

Don't count your chickens or get poked.

You can win some and you can lose to me.

Ask no questions and you will not be graded.

Honesty is the best way to get out of trouble.

Do as I say and not ignore me.

You cannot win against me.

Where there is a will you must make a wish.

Bad news travels west.

Don't count your chickens by yourself.

Where there is a will there is water.

No use crying over me.

Do as I say and not what your friends say.

Don't count your chickens and pick off their feathers.

You cannot win oh yes I can.

Bad news travels to my house.

No use crying over do not cry again okay!

No use crying over a mouse.

Do as I say and not get in a fight.

Ask no questions ever!

Blueberries!

I got the great idea from Stephanie's blog to take Porter blueberry picking. He LOVES blueberries and could eat a whole pint in one sitting if I'd let him. LeeAnn wanted to take Lukas too, so we made it a family event.

We arrived at the Blueberry Patch and were a little hesitant on what to do. The patch is pretty big (not that I know how big blueberry patch-es should be) but it was at a residence and the parking was like in their side yard (noted by signs that just said "park here").

We walked around the back, near the blueberry trees and saw a picnic table with buckets on it and a guy, late teen/early 20's, walked out of a nearby barn. He fumbly asked us if we'd been there before and struggled to get out the necessary information for us to know what to do (price per pound, how to pick etc etc...). Then a hairy old man walked out and was pretty comical- he said one hand for the bucket, one for the mouth. HAHA! We walked back to pick blueberries and laughed at how we thought they had to be smokin something good in that barn.

The boys had a blast running through the patch and picking and eating berries. Lukas piled them in his bucket but quickly ate them. Porter surprised me and was picking the berries like crazy but wouldn't taste them for the longest time. After he tasted them he chowed all the berries from his bucket. After awhile they ended up running and chasing eachother and throwing sticks into the woods. We all had a great time though- tossing blueberries at eachother through the rows of trees, tasting the different colored ones (greens and red/purple ones taste so tart!) and attempting to catch blueberries in our mouths.



Here's a funny story- Ryan found a vine that looked like a tomato plant. He picked it (who knows why... I think he thought we could replant the picked part and grow a tomato plant- but none of us even eat tomatoes LOL!) We went up to the yard to have our buckets weighed (we each bought a pound of blueberries!) and we were telling the guy we had a great time and we noted how the red and green blueberries were very tart. Tony misspoke and said that they were sweet and the old man said "What! If you think they're sweet you must be smokin' some good stuff!" HAHAHA! LeeAnn looked at me and raised her eyebrows and mouthed "You must be too!"
Then Ryan showed him the vine he found and the guy said "OH NO! YOu don't want that... that's Deadly Nightshade. It'll give you a trip like acid. You'll be down on the ground dead. You'll think "Ooh whats this oh hey I'm dead on the ground." and went on and on about how it'll make you hallucinate and could kill you dead. Then he went into this 10 minute long story about how he hallucinated once after he fell out of a tree 28ft high onto a rock waaay back in '56. He went on and on in detail about his hallucination- I'm sure it was much more recent than 52 years ago- maybe uh... 52 minutes ago? LOL! Of course, the guy took the vine away from Ryan and said "Oh no, you don't want that. I'll take that." Suuuure you will... take it right back into your barn and pop a few in your mouth ;) What's even funnier... LeeAnn looked up Deadly Nightshade on Wikipedia and it even said on there it is used sometimes as a recreational drug. Pffft!

Anyhow, we had a great time and our pound of blueberries was only $3.50! Great deal! The guy said there was only a couple weeks left in the season, so I'm hoping we can make it back the end of next week or the beginning of the following week.

Fail Blog

Have you heard of this one? I just found it today- thought I'd share because there are some flipping hilarious things on there.










see more pwn and owned pictures

The Zackbar's house according to Savannah Morrison

I picked up my point and shoot camera yesterday to show my sister some pictures of Ikea (she's an Ikea virgin... trying to convince her to go already!) and I saw a few unrecognizable pictures on my card. I first thought "Oh, Porter must have been dinking around with it." He likes to turn it on and take some pictures- usually of his chin or shirt as he still hasn't figured out to turn the camera around and aim at other objects LOL!

Anyhow, as I kept scrolling through the pictures I kept finding more and more photos of objects around my house, of Porter and Sawyer playing, of Ryan mowing the lawn outside. Then it occured to me... Savannah had been using my camera. In fact, she'd taken 101 pictures! It was so hilarious looking through them... the things she took pictures of- holding toys out in front of her. The boys playing. My curtains and living room. It was so cute to see her perspective and the things she thought to take pictures of. Here's a little collage....

This is the way boys do it...

This morning while Hudson slept, I took Porter outside to fill up his pool so the water could warm up throughout the afternoon and he could play in the pool after his nap. We scrubbed the pool out and I left the hose in it to fill up. While it was filling, I went around the house to the garage to get out the dog pooper scooper and bucket.

I came back to find this...

And his version of fun in the pool... dumping water on his head with the dog water dish. Yes, we're a mess over here... mismatched pj's, my kid playing in the ice cold hose at 10:30am when its a mere 70ish degrees, using the dog water dish as a play toy.

I broke out my Sigma 30mm f/1.4 and woah... why the heck don't I play around with that more often? I love the crispness of prime lenses. As much as I love my big Kahuna 24-70L lens, I am not sure you can beat the sharpness of a prime.