why do i need an excuse?

Well this is crazy that this quote/blog post popped up in my feed this morning. I literally just got back from my 28 week appt with baby #4 and my doc (a male) asked me if I plan to nurse or bottle feed. I told him bottle feed (I formula feed by choice. My breasts get ginormous during pregnancy and even worse when my milk comes in and I just can't stand the back pain... and I just want my body back. Selfish? Sure. But it's my body).

He gave me a nice lecture about how they recommend breast feeding and how it passes on antibodies to the baby and increases bonding yadda yadda yadda... I sat there nodding my head, feeling like I was being scolded. If I'd had the balls (or brain cells to think of this quickly) I'd have cut him off and let him know I have 3 growing, happy, super healthy children who are very intelligent and bonded to their mother and I'm pretty damn sure I'm capable of deciding how to feed my 4th. And I probably would have/should have thrown in there "So you're saying your bond with your children is not so great because you obviously don't have boobs to feed them with". GRRARRR. 

Well what great timing to see this post in my feed this morning.  I could have written her exact feelings:


"I’m a stay at home mother. I have the “time.” My older two are in school five days a week. I’m white, college educated......I’m SUPPOSED to breastfeed.  And I don’t want to."

Believe me.  I've read allll the articles, blog posts, studies... touting how brilliantly smart breastfed babies are (a whopping 4 IQ points.  Woah.  Totally bet that'll get them into an Ivy League College on that credential alone!).  I know it passes on all sorts of goodness to the baby.  I hear the preaching about how amazingly bonded all these breastfed babies are with their mothers (as if formula fed babies are fed by a machine HA!). I'm not an idiot.   I'm informed.  And I still make my own choice.  

For the most part, I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks.  I don't feel guilty.   Do I wish I wanted to breastfeed?  Of course.  Do I wish I had the desire to suck up the pain, the backaches, the sore nipples, the inconvenience, the constant attachment... to experience nursing?  Absolutely.   But I know myself.  I know I'm a better mom because I choose to formula feed.   I NEED my body back.  I NEED my boobs back to a halfway normal size.  I enjoy the freedom that bottle feeding gives me, my husband and my kids.  There wouldn't BE any bonding between mother and baby because I'm pretty certain this mama would be committed for going crazy if I was forced to nurse.  

Since my last 3 appointments I've been questioned about wearing my seatbelt (yes, I do.... is this a thing.... Pregnant Women Boycotting Seatbelts??) I'm certain the nursing/bottle feeding question is going to come up again in the future.  And I'm prepared for the shaming at the hospital.  As with each of my kids' deliveries... the pressure/looks have gotten worse at the hospital when I tell them I have chosen to formula feed from the get-go.  With our hospital being a "Baby-Friendly Hospital", I'm pretty certain that this baby's delivery is going to be uuuber awkward with nurses.  Thank god this is my last.  I can't imagine in the coming years the lectures that will be pressured onto mothers for the choices they make.    I'm preparing myself with my defense statement and going to cut off the lecture at the get go.  My choice is made, and I don't need a lecture to tell me you disapprove.   Get over it :) 

It's a chair for...

Yesterday I had to have some bloodwork done so I took the kids with me.  Its usually an in an out type deal but for some reason, we ended up waiting in the waiting room for 50 minutes before being called back.

Anyhow, in the waiting room they have chairs all around, and one was like a loveseat chair but not quite as big.... inbetween a loveseat and a chair. Amelia climbs up, all charming and cute and says "Its a couch! I'm sitting on the couch!" So, porter sits with her and he says "Its just a double chair Amelia." 

Everyone's smiling at Amelia, who is just being adorable as usual. Hudson, who was super grumpy all morning, says all loud "It's a chair for fat people"

wrist update

I met with Dr. Beekman today.... he was very knowledgeable and his staff was great! The first thing he said when he walked in was... "OUCH" (coming from a man that does hand surgery for a living...). 

Basically... my radius is broken at the joint, and is off set from where it should be. The end of my radius, where the joint is, is cracked in half. Bones are rubbing together and not in the places they should be (this is after being "reset" last Thursday.) 

(this is not my actual x-ray but pretty darn close to what it looks like.  Basically... everything is shifted to the left.  And my ulna has a piece chipped off of it,  and above where it says "fracture"... that bone is split down the middle as well)

So.... I have surgery scheduled for Friday morning to have a plate and screws put in my wrist. I will have to do weekly therapy and will be unable to ride for 6-8 weeks  He said it could be 6 months to a year before I'm feeling full function of my wrist again. Good times, I tell ya!!

Pretty sure my frequent use of the motto "go big or go home" is biting me in the butt. I guess if you're going to jack your wrist up you might as well jack it up real good, right??

Our heat is finally back on.  The contractor didn't show up until close to 8pm but I'm thankful he was working late. I appreciate that people give up their evenings to help out others!  I hope he was being paid well.

The kids are on Snow Day 3.  It's like the Christmas vacation that never ends.... groundhog day!!!  Why can't these snow days come in like... February when I'm itching for some snuggly days with all 3 kiddos?  No..... let's have some snow days after 2 weeks of Christmas vacation.... gah!!  Combine that with my inability to do much of anything with my one good arm and I'm grumperella!!

2 for 2

After the past 5 days of sickness going through our house, and spending New Years Eve in the ER, I decided I needed to get the kids out of the house. I'd wanted to take them sledding but decided to go ice skating.  Bad idea.

Luckily, yesterday evening I decided to ask Sydney to come with us.  The boys can skate, as can I, but Amelia has never ice skated and she's only 20 months old so I wasn't sure she'd even be able to. So... I figured if she wasn't into skating at least Syd could skate with the boys while I wrangled Amelia.

We first headed out to the barn to drop off my board check.  Lacey's pasture buddy, Trey, is being boarded inside for January and February so I decided to have her brought inside as well since the weather has been icky.   She's getting old, too, so I know the cold weather will be getting harder on her.  And I also couldn't bear the thought of her outside all night, alone in the cold.  Anyhow, totally worth the extra $50 a month for peace of mind that she's cozy, warm and has company.

The boys... as we're going down a hill on the way to the barn. 

Amelia was adorable when we pulled into Crosswinds.  She started SQUEALING... so so cute.  She was squealing and saying "Horsey!  Yaycee!  Yaycee!!"  We parked and while I wrote out a check, Porter ran into the barn to use the bathroom and Amelia about lost it thinking she wasn't going to get to go in.  So, of course I had to take her in to see the horses.  She kept asking to see Lacey so we walked out to her paddock to see her.  I love that she loves horses!

The roads were bad, so we didn't pick up Syd and get to the ice rink until about 11:30.  We got everyone's skates on and got out on the ice.  Amelia was grinning ear to ear, and trying so hard to skate.  The boys took off, having fun.   Amelia and I made it halfway around the rink and I wanted to take some pictures.  I asked Sydney to stand with her while I deleted some pictures off my camera (because the card was full)

Out of nowhere I am hit from behind and I fly up in the air, I land on my back and hand, and see my camera flying across the ice.  Porter had run into me with the walker.  I knew immediately my wrist was broken.  I felt it crush.  I pulled it close to my body and began panicking.  Here I was, in the middle of the ice, a broken wrist, with a 1 year old, my babysitter and 2 boys, and my husband is home sick with influenza.  HOW am I going to get out of this??

Everyone was staring at me.  I yelled that I needed help and finally someone came out to help me up.  I told him my wrist was broke.  I knew it.  Syd carried Amelia off the ice and as I stepped off the ice the pain was unbearable and I began to get nauseous and the rink started to spin.  I didn't know what to do... I was panicking, in pain and thought I was going to pass out.

I sat down and started bawling.  I didn't want to move... my wrist hurt so bad.  Someone convinced me to move my hand and look at it and it looked like it was in the shape of a "z" it was so disfigured.  I knew it was bad.  This made me panic more.  The rest was such a blur... someone called my grandma, and the paramedics.  They checked me out and said to head to the ER or ride in the ambulance.  Syd had just got her drivers license so somehow I managed to arrange to have my grandma take the kids home in the van and Syd drive me to the ER in my grandmas car.  Someone took my skates off and helped me get my boots on.  It was all a blur and I was in so much pain, and crying a terrible ugly cry.  I wanted someone to give me pain medication.

At the ER I had finally calmed down, and they were able to help me out of my coat without too much pain.  They called my wrist a "positive deformity" HAHA!  Sydney and I were there for awhile and they finally got me in for x-rays and into a room with an IV.  They knocked me out and snapped my wrist back into place (somewhat) and I woke with a bandaged up arm.  Ry showed up after his doctors appt.  They took xrays again and said I'd likely need screws because the break was in the wrist joint and my bone was in 3 pieces. Great!!  So, tomorrow I'll have to call the orthopedic doctor and find out what is going on.  I am so thankful Sydney was with us.  She was such a huge help, and great support for me.

Porter feels terrible... my grandma said he was beating himself up for knocking me down.  Part of me thinks he did it on purpose, thinking he was being funny (not intentionally wanting to hurt me, of course, but immediately after we got on the ice he had ran into Hudson and Amelia's walkers just trying to be funny, and I warned him not to run into people.  Not 10 minutes later he runs into me... coincidence??)  Anyhow, I feel bad because I totally scolded him when I fell... I growled at him that THIS is why you don't run into people!  (and then likely something like "oh shit oh shit my wrist is broke.  its broke! oh my god what am i going to do!")  I keep telling him it was an accident and I know he didn't mean for me to get hurt.  But part of me wants him to realize the severity of his actions when he's goofing around, but he's so scared hearing I might need surgery and he keeps saying "If I didn't knock into you you wouldn't need to have surgery would you mom?"  Poor guy!!

So anyhow.... 2014 is starting out GREAT.... we spent NYE and the wee morning of Jan 1 in the ER, and back to the ER on Jan 2!  And remember last year we spend the beginning of 2013 in the ER with Porter?  Oh boy.  Let's not make THIS a tradition!

Who would have thunk it?

Who would have thought that Amelia would have the first broken bone out of the 3 kids.  I guess it was inevitable... She's a little monkey.  

Last Friday she fell down the stairs. Uncarpeted. From the very top.  She had been sitting at the top of the stairs and I was putting on makeup in the bathroom just a couple steps away.  She knows how to go up and down the stairs so it didn't alarm me when she was sitting there.  She stood up on the 2nd step (where her feet had been resting) and I immediately went to grab her but in the moments it took me to reach her she lost her balance and cartwheeled down the stairs, and then rolled, and fell forward and hit her head at the bottom.  

I felt like I was in slow motion trying to reach her.  All I could think was she was going to have a head injury or something.  I was shaking when I reached her and picked her up.  She was crying and within a few minutes shed calmed down.  I checked her over and she seemed fine.  Crisis averted, or so I thought. 

We headed to the campground and it wasn't until Sunday or Monday that I started noticing her being a little sensitive about her wrist. When I would take her arm out of her carseat shed whine a little.  And when she would fall and land on her hands she was more dramatic then normal.  All week i contemplated taking her in.  But then shed start climbing or lifting things so i put it off.  Finally on Thursday i I decided to take her in

Literally as we were waiting for X-rays (which is super fun with a 15mo old!) she fell off a stool and hit her head on a metal cabinet.  I told the tech... See why were here!!  Haha!

They didn't think she broke it but were going to have a radiologist to look at them.  They called Friday morning and told me she had a fracture.  So off to U of M we went.  After 45 minutes in the teeny tiny curtained partition of a patient room (shared with 2 other patients behind their little curtains), listening to Amelia shriek with mischief like a seagull for a majority of that time, they finally came in and told me they were going to cast her arm. 
The guy, Chris, who put her cast on was great.  She pulled a 180 from her behavior the previous 45 minutes and sat still as stone in my lap, watching intently as he swiftly wrapped her wrist, working as quickly and accurately as he could.  She seemed in awe.  And the cast has not set her back at all.... she uses her arm like normal, and it surely doesn't slow her down.

There we go, folks.... the first broken bone.  

Prayers needed

Words have left me short on this topic, because all I can really, truly say is cancer sucks.  Simply said.  It fucking sucks.

My family tree has a lot of cancer, and I'm pretty certain at some point in my life I'll have my own battle with cancer.  That's scary to think.  And sad that it just seems so.... strange to just accept that it's a reality. 

My great grandma and all her sisters had breast cancer.  My aunt had breast cancer before she was 40. And this May, my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer.

In a way I feel confident that she will defeat in this.  This is my grandma... she's been through the wringer and always comes out on top.  But there's always that scary reality that things could turn for the worst. 

This is my grandma... who I spent weeks with as a toddler, flying to Michigan with her from Texas.  Who took care of me on sick days when my mom had to work or go to school, who watched The Price is Right with me before kindergarten.  The grandma who I was always excited to have sleepovers at her house and she'd take me to the store to get a craft or art kit.  The grandma who spoiled the hell out of us at Christmas, who bought me a cockatiel for my 13th birthday.  The grandma who makes the best chocolate pie ever for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  The one I would willingly spend weekends with as a teenager, just to get out of the house.   The grandma who always had red hots in a candy dish on her counter.  The grandma who became Oma to my babies, and has been there for them from day one- always willing to take care of them and love on them.  The Oma who Hudson surely won't be able to live without ever- so she MUST live forever.  Or at least until he's able to understand the circle of life.  

Tomorrow afternoon she has surgery to remove the lump in her breast.  It seems, so far, that it should be uncomplicated and she'll have to have radiation.   But she also has (a lack of) blood clotting issues so that makes surgery so scary too.  She can get a little cut and it'll bleed for days.   The thought of the bad things that could happen tomorrow are suppressed deep down, but I know they're real.

So please, if you're the praying type, say a prayer for her.  She's the best.  

The crud arrives

All winter I've watched multiple friends on Facebook battle the winter crud. Flu. GI yuckiness. Sinus crud. Viruses. Fevers. Sore throats. It seemed NeverEnding and I swear it was some kind of epidemic! We finally succumbed to the crud this past week. Nothing terrible, as I've seen multiple friends' families down for the count for weeks on end. Ry came down with strep on Thursday night and, typically, slept allllll weekend. Not kidding. All day fri, sat and Sun he was in bed. Saturday morning Hudson woke and told me his ear hurt him. Off to express care we went. Ear infection. Amelia has been battling some congestion for the past week and on Tuesday I finally took her into the doctor because she was crying as if she was in pain. She has an ear infection as well.

Obviously she wants no one else but mama while she is sick. So all day I pretty much have her attached to my hip. And all night I'm up multiple times with her rocking her back to sleep. She's normally my easiest kid to put to sleep. When she is tired she takes her paci, cuddles up with a blanket and I press her glow worms belly for a few minutes of song. Simple as that. But while she's sick? Ohhhhh. She wakes up a few times a night and sometimes is inconsolable. All she wants to do is cuddle and lay on my chest and rock. Poor baby.

So as you can see, not much sleeping is going on here (for me at least), and the house is looking a bit disheveled. I'm hoping I can get caught up on cleaning and organizing some things tomorrow. My mom was a huge help this past week- cleaned a lot and did tons of laundry. But I'm sure you know how laundry breeds in the dark, so logically there is loads of laundry still to do. Ugh.

I can't wait for everyone to start feeling better. Today my throat has felt kind of tight and scratchy. Praying I don't end up sick because all of us mamas know that mamas don't get sick days.... And surely won't have 3 full days to sleep 24/7.

Porter | ER 1.2.13

5:00pm:  Say a little prayer.  Nothing extremely major but porter was outside this afternoon and had a piece of his plastic cross bow in his mouth, was running and fell.  He was spitting blood and upon first inspection we thought he just cut his gums.  Upon further inspection there was a hole through the tissue near his tonsils.  

To the ER we go.  10 people ahead of us.   We didn't wait too awful long and were taken to a room for a PA to see him.  She immediately said a doctor needed to look at him and possibly ENT. 

6:00pm: The doctor came In and well, when you hear "hmmmm."  It's not good.  He says to Porter "you shouldn't try to do your own tonsillectomy, kiddo."

6:30pm: We were sent back to a room and prepped to have him put under and either stitched up or his tonsil taken out (not clear at this moment what route they're going).  First attempt at an IV was unsuccessful.  Porter screamed and told te nurse to piss off.  (Eeeek.  Cue parents of the year award as I bit my tongue trying not to laugh)

That IV didn't work and a second nurse came in to do another.  That went smoothly, and Porter preferred watching everything she did as opposed to looking away.

7:30pm: They sedated him and attempted to sew his throat up but after 2 doses of ketamine and trying for about half an hour, they decided an ENT needed to do it.  Unfortunately, the local ENT had just had emergency surgery on himself 2 days ago so we had to be transported to Motts.  

8:30pm: Porter was somewhat awake for his first (and pray to God only) ambulance ride.  He was funny coming off the sedation- he said I had 4 eyes and every time we passed a semi he'd say "what the heck was that?!"

9:00pm: At Motts we for checked in and in a room immediately.  Two doctors saw him and decided he needed to have it looked at and repaired in an OR.  

11:00pm: ENT resident came in (damn every doc and nurse  here at Motts is amazing with kids) and did a scope down p's nose to make sure it didn't puncture through his palette.  Looks good thus far.  It did go into the muscle.  He described how fatal this could have been with the carotid artery running along the back of the throat.  I never realized.   It is almost sounding like we may be able to go home and let it heal on its own?  

The rest of the story:

It turns out that they didn't want to do surgery.  The specialist said the throat heals itself amazingly well and that antibiotics were not even necessary.  Around 1am they decided to admit him to a room on the 12th floor for observation overnight.  It turns out they were much more concerned with a blood clot from any possible damage to the carotid artery, which could cause a stroke.  This freaks me out.  At Allegiance, they were going to just sew up his throat and send him home.  There was not a word mentioned about his carotid artery, how dangerous it could be etc.  I was so thankful that we were in the hands of specialists- specialists with the throat and specialists with children.   

I went home to get a few hours of sleep so I could photograph LeeAnn's birth in the morning.  Ryan stayed with Porter.   On Thursday they decided they wanted to keep him for the day for more observation.  After Aaron was born I drove up around 1:00 with Amelia and Hudson to pick up Porter.  

I am so so thankful that this didn't end up tragic.  It never crossed my mind that he could have bled out on our driveway had that hit a few millimeters deeper or to the side.  Thank God.  Thank God.  

Glutton for punishment

Hudson and Amelia had well-baby checkups today (Hudson's 4yr and Amelia's 4mo).  I scheduled their appointments back to back so I could get them done in one fell swoop.  I decided to just take Porter along as well- why not, there are already 2 going, right?

Of course we were called right back and the second we entered teh 8x8 room my kids started acting like monkeys.  Porter was mouthy, Hudson was climbing all over.  Luckily, there wasn't a whole lot of time spent waiting, thank goodness.

I knew H and A were due for shots.  I knew Hudson would be pissed.  Amelia is too young to know what is coming so she wasn't an issue.  Then the doctor said they had flu shots available and asked if I'd like to do those as well.  Why not!!

Before the nurse even came back in, Porter was screaming and crying and kicking his legs and yelling he didn't want to get poked.   We almost had to call in reinforcements as I could barely hold onto him for her to poke him.  I covered his eyes and he didn't even know she gave him the shot.

Hudson, poor guy, got 4 pokes.  Amelia got 2.  Then we were done, got some stickers and in the car I told the boys how brave they were and gave them each a dollar HAHA!

So, I survived the doctor's trip with all 3 kids.  Somehow I always end up taking them all to the doctor... not fun.  Ugh.

We went to Lansing to pick my mom up from the airport and then headed to Gap and Children's Place to let the boys pick out a few things for back to school.  It wasn't as "fun" as I'd envisioned back to school shopping... although in hindsight I should have taken each of the kiddos on their own for a special date.  Oh well.  Maybe later in the year we will do that.

By the time we got home Hudson's leg was really sore.  He barely wanted to walk on it and wouldn't lift it to walk up the one step to our house.  I felt terrible for him as he really was in a lot of pain- crying and really upset, refusing to walk or touch his leg.  He spent most of the afternoon on the couch watching a movie. :(    The actual giving of the shot- I can totally take that.  It's a quick poke and sure it may be stingy for a minute or two but after that it's all done.  But this lingering pain, this bad, makes me feel awful for the little guy.  I don't think Porter ever had a shot that made him this sore, or either of the boys ever had shots that bothered them this much.  I hope that tomorrow Hudson wakes up and feels better!

I'm pretty much in denial that school starts on Tuesday.  It makes me so sad!  I feel like summer went by waaay too fast.  And I feel like we really didn't do much this summer.  :(  Can I have a do-over?  I feel like I've been short on patience all summer and I have definitely not been the type of mom I really need to be.  The type of mom the boys deserve.  I need to work harder on that.  I hope that once they both are in school I'll have a little more time to get work/photography things done and not have to stay up so late... hence the grumpiness.  I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I burn the candle from both ends and well, in the end everyone gets burned because of it.  *sigh*  Speaking of... I really need to be getting to bed!  I spent the evening purging and organizing.  My house is driving me crazy.  I'm determined to get rid of things and declutter before I lose my mind.

Good night!

Thursday Thursday

• Anyone else watch Private Practice?  The story with Mason and his mom dying is SO SO sad.  Makes my heart break.  I can't imagine being Erica and having to choose between dying alone and knowing you wouldn't see your son again, or letting him see her shut down and die.  And Mason... I can't imagine either of my boys being told they couldn't see me again.  Heartbreaking!  You bet I bawled like a baby when they said goodbye.  


• My feet.  They are so so fat.  This is at 8:30am.  Sausage toes and swollen ankles.  ICK.  

• And speaking of feet... I painted my toes the other day for the first time since last summer.  Hudson was intrigued and wanted his toes painted too.  He wanted red, but I didn't have any red.  So he wanted pink.  Ryan was not too happy, but Hudson LOVES his pink toenails.  Its hilarious.   And of course when we went to my doctor's appointment he wanted to wear flip flops.  HAHA! 

• Hudson and I spent the afternoon and early evening at the hospital.  I was sent from my routine appointment to L&D and then to have a BPP.  Details on baby's blog. 

• Anyone out there have a front loading washer?  I swear ours stinks (literally).  If laundry isn't swapped over right away they tend to have this weird smell.  Mildewy, kind of.  Ryan has ran different cleaners that are specifically to clean front load washers but still... laundry tends to stink.  UGH.  

Hump Day

Not officially my Hump Day, since tomorrow is technically my Friday.  But, Hump Day nonetheless.

Last night Hudson woke up in the middle of the night with a familiar barky, whistly cough.  I knew it was croup but was a little dumbfounded that he hadn't had a fever at all recently.  Hmm.  He screamed for about an hour, refusing to tell us what is wrong or even converse with us.  He had been carrying around some game token coins (his "moneys") earlier in the evening and Ry and I both were getting worried that maybe he'd swallowed a coin or something was stuck in his throat- seriously it sounded that weird.  We finally got him calmed down and back to sleep.  Ry stayed home with him so he could go to the doc- sure enough.  Croup.  Ugh.

A mom at my school is doing Zumba after school on Wed and Fri at the old schoolhouse next door.  Perfect timing, as I love going to Zumba (though haven't in months and months) but hated the 5:30 or 7:30 class times.  I went tonight for the first time and it was so fun.  3:45 to 4:30.  I'm home by 5 and still have my whole evening with the fam!  I thought for sure I'd pass out or be too tired to Zumba but surprisingly it went really well.  I had a lot of fun and just kept a decent pace without letting myself get too overworked.  I am excited to try to keep up with this throughout the pregnancy and hopefully ward off too much extra weight (and maybe, just maybe, bounce back quicker after delivery??)

Well.... right on cue, Hudson is up.  Doc said the next couple nights will be the worst.  Ugh.  

Adios.

Sick Sucks.

This whole week I've pretty much been down for the count.
What the hell.
Monday I started coughing at Poe's soccer game.
Coughed for 2 hours straight, just a dry cough.
Ate dinner on the way home.
Threw up when I got home.
Coughed coughed coughed.
Went to bed at 7:30 along with the boys.

Slept for 12 hours.
Woke up feeling like hell.
Mustered my way to school as I had MEAP'ers to assist with in the am.
Left work at lunch.
Had dr's appt at 2.
Was told I had "a virus."
Got a steroid shot (Cat C for pregnancy :-/  )
and a scrip for cough meds (another Cat C)
Went to OB doc at 3.
Everything a-okay.
Gained another 5lbs and was told "good size baby" upon "inspection"
Nice.
Was able to reschedule 2 mini sessions.
Still had 2 to conduct on Tues night.
Mustered through them and it was all I could do to drag myself home at 7:30 and up to bed.

Slept another 12 hours.
Got P on bus, took H to preschool.
Went home and took a HOT bath.
and then slept from 9-2.
Woke up still feeling like hell.
Headache. Earache.
Still achy.
Made ANOTHER doctor appt.
Met with "Dr. Mike" a nurse.
Love him.
He listened to "symptoms" of "acid reflux" for last 2 weeks (which I told Dr. day prior) and diagnosed me w/sinus infection.
Got scrip for antibiotic and a netti pot.
Netti pot is WEIRD.

Slept like poop last night (probably because I'd slept so much in the past 2 days!)
Stayed home again today.
Mostly laid around, threw up, napped, threw up, took a shower.
Lots of coughing in-between 
Did manage to vacuum and do 2 loads of laundry.

I can't wait to feel 100% better.  :(

Doctor Doctor

Ryan brought up Hudson's 3 year doctor's appointment the other day... or the lack thereof.  We realized we never set up a 3 year appointment!  So... I called today to schedule and she looked at his file and said "Oh, we haven't seen him since December of '09... he was.... 18 months old?  It looks like we never had a 2 year appointment either!"

Total and utter Mom FAIL!

Melanoma

Have you seen this video? 


I've been paranoid ever since.  I have moles and freckles all over and just worry that, what if... what if I have some kind of skin cancer brewing?  Afterall, it does run in the family.  I just called a dermatologist today and they can't get me in until August 3rd.  What?  2 months?  Couldn't I die by then?  I also have this little cyst by my eye that I thought was a pimple but its been there for months.  Its like a hard little ball under my skin.  ick. 

Anyhow... watch the video.  Its worth it.  I'll definitely be slathering up this summer.  No more sunburns for me.  

Hudson's Birth-Day

Hudson woke up on his birthday to our traditional "Birthday Balloons"....  I wish I'd had my video camera because he was SO darn cute about it.  Ry was at work already (he went in early so he could take a short day to go to the U for P's appointment), and Hudson came in at 6:30- bright and early- to wake me up.  He told me "Mommy there are balloons in my room... come see!"  He kept saying things like "Look a PURPLE one!"  "I have balloons in my room!"  "I'm gonna kick these balloons!"  It was adorable.  He was so chatty!

After we played with his balloons for a bit we snuck downstairs quietly so we didn't wake Porter.  I made him rainbow pancakes.  He was amazed that they were colored and looooved them!  I think these will be a new birthday breakfast tradition!

Since Hudson is obsessed with Cars and Mater and all things related, I found these suckers at Toys R Us and had to get them for the boys.  Mater teeth!

Hudson opened his present from Porter and when Ry got home we gave him our present... a tractor and trailer.  He loooved it!  Oma stopped by for a minute and then the 4 of us headed to Ann Arbor.

Porter's appointment went great... everything was a-okay and he has an 'innocent' murmur that will likely go away as he gets older.

After his appointment we went to Red Robin for a late lunch.  The boys got ice cream sundaes.

Watch what you're thankful for...

Of course it backfires when I decide to be optimistic about the rain and be thankful that it has created such beautiful greenery around us.

It was cold and rainy all. stinkin. weekend. 

This was not good for our plans to put up 4' wood fencing around our yard.  Ryan got about 5 of the post holes dug and posts concreted in, and he also purchased all the fence panels but was unable to get anything else done.  Friday WAS beautiful, I can't complain about that.  Only.... I spent the day... the only gorgeous day of the weekend... doing a garage sale at my sisters.  I made a whopping $60 (ok, so its $60 more than I had before Friday and I didn't have any other plans but to sit around all day anyhow... which is what I did at the garage sale).  I hate garage sales.

Today is sunny but very chilly.  When will it warm up???

What else is new:

• Duncan got his hair lopped off on Friday.  I was so ready for it to be trimmed and ultimately decided to let her go shorter with his hair so we could go a little longer in between haircuts.  It had been 3 months since he was last groomed and that is TOO long.  We're going to try 8 weeks this time.  My word... I spend more on his hair than I do my own!  $55 every 8 weeks??? GAH!  I didn't' realize this when I decided to get a Goldendoodle.  We love him though.  

• Today started out just like a Monday...  I backed into the trailer that Ryan parked in the driveway full of fence panels.  I didn't see it on that side of the van and it is low so I didn't see it in the rearview.  Jacked up my bumper... made a hole in it .  GRR.   Then the vending machine in the lounge was out of water AND pop. And then I found out that while I had been hopeful at the prospect of 2, possibly 3, positions being open at my school next year... it isn't so.  Other people are filtering into those positions and its likely there aren't any openings at the other elementary schools either.  The next few weeks I'm going to get resumes ready and do my annual "turn in your resume to every school around" event.  Ugh.  I'm thinking of applying out of town as well... I hate to do that because of gas and I'd hate to have to commute and cut into my time with my kids. 
  
• I've decided to go back on Zoloft.  Target Pharmacy is filling my scrip as I type I'm sure.  While I've learned a lot of techniques to dealing with my stress/anxiety, I'm finding that the stressful things are piling up and I'm spending more time talking myself down from the stress and spending more time helping myself get through my anxiety than I am enjoying my life.  I think for the time begin I need a little helper and hopefully once life is a little more stable... I'm not working 2 jobs etc... then I'll try ditching them again. 
  
• There are only 4 weeks of school left.... this one being the only full week!  I can't wait for summer. Stressed though as we're about $1200 short  of having enough $$ to cover my checks throughout the summer.  I'll be picking up a few extra photography jobs this summer and trying to stay away from stores as much as possible.
  
• Last week Porter started t-ball.  He has 2 left hand mitts (so, for right hand throwing)... of course he's the opposite. He has practice tonight at 5 and I am not going to be able to get to the store to buy him a new mitt.  Hope he can muster one last practice being backwards HAHA!

And even older news:

• Our second follow-up with Dr. Bloom and Porter's ultrasound (May 2nd) was pretty much inconclusive.... everything looks a-okay inside and he hasn't been having his "episodes" lately so as of now we're doing nothing.  If things start acting up again Dr. Bloom said to call and make an appointment but for now he doesn't see the need to do anything else.
  
  
• During these trips to Mott's, I've really been enjoying my time with Porter.  I need to make more one on one time for each of the boys. They are such special little people and its amazing how their true personalities shine when they are my main focus.  These trips have also made me realize how incredibly lucky and blessed I am that we are only visiting Motts for a simple pee issue.  We have seen so many young children... and babies... with so many battles they are facing.  It makes me really count my blessings and be thankful that our visits here are for simple issues and that my children are healthy. 
  
  
• 3rd Annual Mega Meet/Archiver's trip (May 6th) was great.  This year it was me, Jane, LeeAnn, Jessica, Lori and Cristi that went.  I didn't get many pages done at Archiver's but I did get some great new product.  I was almost ready to back out of the the trip because of my crazy "missing my kids" feelings (oh, and Hudson also barfed Friday morning but we have a fabulous babysitter who said "GO! and I'll take care of it!" Bless you, Sam!).  I'm glad I went.
  
  
• Easter... boy I never blogged Easter.  Well, same as every year... we went to Lori and Don's, had dinner, egg hunt.  Kids played, I napped for a bit, everyone else played Phase 10, took some pictures outside of the monkeys in bunny ears.  Good times all around. 

Mott's Consult

Porter's consult with the pediatric urologist at Mott's... Dr. Bloom... went really well today.  First off he didn't seem to think that his opening was too narrow/small.  He wants us to do something like a "pee diary" for a few days and record when he voids and how frequently.  We have another appointment next Monday for an ultrasound to see if there are any internal issues that could be causing this.  He seemed to think that this might be a "phase" he would outgrow and that in a majority of the cases he's seen like this it turns out to be nothing wrong.  This surprises me because when Porter has these "pee episodes" (which seem to come and go... the past week has been bad with episodes of him feeling like he still needs to pee after he's peed) he gets so frustrated and upset at not being able to pee more... he's uncomfortable because he still feels like he has to go.  I'm hoping we'll have more answers next week!

I really loved Dr. Bloom.  He was SO great with Porter... had a silly bandz in his pocket for him and all sorts of these "cards" he randomly would give him throughout our visit... a Toy Story one, a dinosaur one, a Thomas card... just cute picture cards to keep him occupied.  He was fabulous.   He did seem concerned by his heart murmur, which we've known he's had for about 2 years now.  His pediatrician hasn't mentioned any concern for it and at his appt. Friday never even brought it up.  However, Dr. Bloom said he'd like to have the cardiologist up there check it out just to make sure it wasn't something we'd need to be concerned with in the future.  He said the murmur sounded a little odd and he had the nurse listen as well.  This was a little boggling to come out of a urology appointment with a cardiology referral.  However, he seemed like an extremely thorough and knowledgable doctor and I'm going to go with what he says.  

Porter and I had a great day together.  I took the whole day off work since his appointment was smack in the middle of the day.  We took Hudson to daycare (a little later than normal) and then headed to Old Navy to return some things, stopped into Toys R Us to scope out some possible gifts for Hudson's 3rd birthday and then went to Panera for lunch.  Porter loves the roast beef and cheese sandwich there LOL!  We had just enough time to squeeze that in before his appointment.  Afterward we stopped into Bivouac then went to the mall to return a shirt to Children's Place.   Porter ran off a little energy in the play area and then we were off to home!  

Something else that I think I'm going to mention next week (HA like he's my new pediatrician or something LOL!) is Porter's coughing/breathing.  His teachers mentioned to me near the end of the winter that Porter seemed to start coughing a lot as soon as they went outside into the cold air.  I think this was right after we all had the flu in February.  They said he does it often and that it seemed that he had some asthmatic symptoms.  And then today while running around at the play area for less than 5 minutes he was coughing up a storm... so badly I told him we had to go because I didn't want people to think he was sick.  And now that I think of it, the last 2 times we were at Briarwood play area he coughed badly while playing as well (because I remember feeling like every parent was staring at me like "Why do you have your sick kid running around hacking like that!").  I suppose that is something I should have looked into.  I know that kids who have had RSV (he was hospitalized with RSV when he was 2) have a higher chance of developing asthma, and about a year ago his pediatrician had said he had some wheezing when he was sick and that he could end up with asthma in the future.  

Sigh.  It's never ending, isn't it?  I'm just glad to have a little clearer path from this appointment, especially if it doesn't involve another surgery!  I'm kind of annoyed that the urologist in town was so quick to get him into surgery without any other options.  I guess that's what you get when you don't see a someone who specializes in things like this.  After this appointment today I was so impressed with the doctor and nurses up there that I was really wishing that U of M was our local hospital.  I was overly impressed with their thoroughness and interactions with Porter.  

Specialist Referral

Porter's surgery a few months ago was unsuccessful.  What they basically did was cut a slit into the tip of his penis and we were to "pry" it open daily and put some ointment on it.  After 4 days I noticed the "slit" (which looked strikingly like a deep paper cut) seemed to be healing closed and it wasn't really "opening" anymore.  I called the urologist (whose name was given to us by the MedPlus doctor) and they said just to see them at the 3-week checkup.

The checkup came and the doctor confirmed my suspicions... that the slit had healed back closed (thus his urethral opening... is that the term?... was still very narrow).  He then proceeded to make me feel like I hadn't done the "prying" and made it seem as if this was an oddity of some sorts, saying "I've never seen this happen."  Really?  Really??  You've NEVER seen a little paper cut slit on a penis tip heal closed?  EVER?   So our choices at that point were to re-do the surgery or to let it be and most likely he'd have more problems as he "grows" which would result in surgery later on (that would be more extensive and require stitches).

Ryan and I both wanted another opinion and today I talked to his pediatrician and felt like a DUMB ASS.  She had no idea any of this had happened... the MedPlus had never sent the paperwork to the pediatricians office and she was dumbfounded that the MedPlus physician would refer us to anyone let alone a child to an adult urologist.  Then I felt more like a dumb ass because I thought "OMG why didn't we take him to the pediatrician that following Monday to get a second opinion and double check things out instead of just going to the specialist on the word of the MedPlus physician?"  GAAH!

Our pediatrician's office called me back this afternoon with our referral to U of M to a pediatric specialist and we have an appointment next week. God do I feel like such a stupid parent just going on the word of someone who literally just met my child and checked him out and not getting an okay from his actual doctor.

Porter has been complaining more and more often about not being able to pee, or still feeling like he has to pee. It frustrates him and its so frustrating for us to not be able to help him.  I'm hoping this referral will be our last and he'll be good as new!

Porter's Surgery

 Despite being very nervous and scared during the weeks leading up to his surgery, Porter was so SO brave the day we went to the hospital.  His surgery was very minor (for urethral stenosis), but nevertheless when your child is being put under and you're unable to be there with them its nerve wracking.

He was his typical goof-ball self on the way to the hospital at 615am, making jokes and being silly.  He had no hesitations whatsoever to put on his gown/scrubs and have his vitals taken.  He was actually seeming quite excited about the whole thing.  He even rode on the bed by himself down to surgery, something the nurses said most kids make the parents ride with them because they're scared.  He's my brave boy!

The nurses at Allegiance were amazing.  They were SO good with Porter and were really friendly and thorough.  We forgot to bring Rocky, so two different nurses has brought Porter a stuffed animal.  He got a lizard (Lizzy) and an otter (Seaweed).

After his surgery, he came off the anesthetic in a terrible mood... hitting and trying to rip out his IV.  I climbed into bed with him to try to calm him down.  He finally settled down and the nurses brought him a popsicle (green, of course!).  All was well in the world from that point on.

Back in the room, he seemed to recover in a snap.  He was content munching cereal, eating numerous green popsicles and watching cartoons.  We left the hospital at 11am (so strange to leave so soon after he'd had a procedure done!) and he was literally skipping and hopping out the doors.  We kept reminding him he needed to walk and stay calm but he was just a bundle of energy!  I can't believe how resilient kids are.  In the truck on the way home he told us "Just tell me to rock on with my bad self, Mom!"  He sure makes us laugh!

Pee woes

Awhile back, when Porter was 3.5 or maybe even just turned 4, we were having trouble with him peeing numerous times in a row and even telling us he "had a penis allergy". I took him to the doctor thinking it was a UTI buy it turned out to be nothing. Within a few weeks, the behavior was gone.

Last week or so, he started up the same behaviors. I'd hear him in the bathroom yelling "Stupid stupid penis!!!". "I hate my penis!". It happened most before bed and in the morning.

Today Ry took him to MedPlus and it turns out there is something wrong with him.... He has urethral stenosis. Basically it's a blockage or shrinkage of the ureter. They said he'd probably always had it but now that he's older/bigger he is finding it bothering him. Simply put, in order for him to push/force the pee out he had to build up enough pressure in order to pee. This is why he felt like he needed to pee but could only get a little out. We have to talk with a specialist and he'll likely have it stretched (ouch!)

I'm so glad we have a somewhat simple world and
You know what, I might have to just file along and see what'd going on with their exercise
Trip!   (uhmmm okay I was blogging from my phone in bed and was SOOO tired. I must have fallen asleep and posted it and uh.. no idea what this mumbo jumbo is HAHA!)

*edited Sun Night*

OOooOOH kay.... so anyhow, tomorrow we will call the specialist and also his pediatrician to let them know what is going on.  Hopefully we will get an appointment soon so he can feel some relief.  I feel so bad for him.  He was having problems again tonight and I told him "remember what Daddy told you about your penis and why it feels like you have to pee?"  And he say "uh huh".  I told him we'd call the doctor in the morning to make an appointment to make it better.  He said "okay" which is SO not like him because he hates going to the doctor.  Poor baby!