Hump Day Thoughts

• The weather today is gorgeous... 65*, sunny and a slight breeze.  LOVE IT.   Porter didn't have school yesterday and I so wish the boys were home this afternoon instead of yesterday.  We will have to go out and ride bikes or go on a walk tonight (for me... uh... to the neighbors driveway and back  BAHAHAH! Ok... I can attempt further I suppose).


• Goodbye paper snowflakes on the windows... time for a new "springy" project to decorate the windows.  Any ideas?


• I've fallen into a slump of dwelling on the past these last couple days... wishing things were the way they used to be.  Which is silly... I can't change people's decisions and I certainly can't change others' thoughts and feelings.  Its one of those "sad because its over and mourning the loss of what used to be such a great thing" type of things.  Trying to stay positive and move on.


• I'm almost through with my first week of working half days.  Loving it so far, of course, but will probably not love it so much when my paychecks start coming in.  Oh well... I'm summing it up to mental health afternoons.  I need daytime to either rest or get school work/accounting/housework stuff done.  I'm too tired by the time 8:00 rolls around and the boys are in bed.


• I'm sad that we won't be spending spring break in Holden Beach this year, or well, any beach as we usually do.  Trying to keep my eye on the prize and know that baby sis will be well worth missing one annual beach vacay.  There's always next year, right?


• Thank you, yet another person at work, for pointing out that I am waddling. You don't think I realize, you know, between my hips feeling like pliers are ripping them apart and knives are being stabbed into my joints.  Thank you for making me aware of the waddle. And, no, calling me "ducky" is not cute or funny.


• The boys are getting SO SO excited for baby sis to get here.  We have a baby girl doll that is wearing some preemie jammies and the boys play with her in baby sis' room all the time.  They put her in the swing and in the carseat and bouncer, and Hudson likes to lay her on his mine mine's and cover her up.  Almost daily they ask "When will baby sis get here?!" and every time I have a doctor's appointment (every 2 weeks now), Hudson asks if we're going to the doctor to get sissy.  Its sooo cute.  I am going to make a countdown for them, I think, to count down the days until my due date.

THE Interview. And the call.

I had my interview yesterday.  I was well prepared.  I'd studied and had some great responses (well, at least what I *felt* were great responses).  I wore a short sleeved black business jacket with black dress pants.  I had my portfolio, organized and packed to the brim of great examples of my work.  I had copies of my resume as well as copies of my "quotes of recommendation" (quotes pulled from my letters of recommendation) for each of the people on the interview panel.  I knew 4 of the 6 people.... my principal, 2 co-workers (the other 2nd grade teachers) as well as a teacher from another building.

The interview went great, so I thought.  Everything they asked me I thought in my head as they asked me "oh I've GOT this!".  I wasn't caught off guard by any questions.  I felt like I had really good responses.  We laughed a little, there was a little conversation, I felt confident and sure of myself.  I sat there feeling like "OMG I have this.  This job is MINE."

Or so I thought. 

The principal said they wanted to have a decision last night and by 9:30 I was feeling like they wouldn't be calling.  10:00 I got a call... and I could tell by his voice the decision wasn't in my favor.   He said I did great (I always friggin' hear this) but "they decided to go another direction."  WTF.   To say I am astounded.  Floored. Duped.  Pissed.  Annoyed.  Disappointed.  It's all an understatement.   

I thought I had this. 

I've always had great feedback from the principal, he's somewhat "led me on" to believe that he wanted me there fulltime.  He has told co-workers how highly he thinks of me, that he wanted to get me in fulltime.  I feel led on and... duped.  Sucker punched.  

And the worst part... I have another week of work.  Another week to face co-workers.  To feel humiliated that, yes, after 5 years I'm *still* her and I *still* haven't been hired in fulltime.  I don't even want to go there. 

I'm now quite aware that fulltime at my school is not going to happen in the near future.  My district isn't huge (there are 3 elementary schools, which is larger than most smaller districts but not the largest in town), and its a great place to work... hence, people don't leave often.  And I don't foresee any retirements from my building anytime soon.  So, unless people move around or shift buildings (which IS a possibility) there aren't likely any spots open.  In the past 5 years I think there have been 4 times they've interviewed for open positions.  So, its a rarity.  I've been waiting for this spot to open in my building for a long long time.   The other jobs that have been interviewed for, at the other elementary buildings, they've hired their own lit coaches.  ANd, in  my building, I'm always talked highly of, always told that everyone thinks highly of me, and I've also beent here the longest of the lit coaches.  

I thought I had this. 

So, I don't know where to go next.  I'm just so confused and hurt and disappointed.  I am going to take the weekend to process my "loss" and then jump into high gear of applying EVERYWHERE and contacting every principal and making them aware that I've applied and that I want a job.  I'm going to be annoying.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?  Operation job search will be underway.  I'll be honest, in the past few years I have NOT been very active with applying at other schools.  I love my school I'm at and part time was okay with me.  I was holding out with the thought that I was "next up" to get hired in.  I didn't want to leave a part time job I loved to go somewhere I'd be unhappy or dislike my job.  But, game on.  Balls to the wall I'm on the hunt.

"Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it." — Eliza Tabor