Its 6:30 and both of my kids are in bed. Crying. Partly because they don't want to go to bed and partly because I've flipped out on them numerous times in the past half hour, thus "hurting their feelings."
Today has been quite a day. I stayed home with the boys because Hudson was running a temp. I took him to the doctor and they said it was just viral... no sore throat or ear infection to explain his crankiness. Help me.
He also managed to get a goose egg and bloody nose in the waiting room. Tripped over his tennis shoes.
While making dinner I racked my brain to figure out why I was so on edge... so quick to snap and so bitchy with my kids. I have zero tolerance and not an ounce of patience to offer them. I'm not starting my period. I'm not all too stressed about anything. Ahhh... I haven't taken my meds since... last week sometime. Something about the weekends make me forget.
I hate that I notice, so obviously, when I haven't had my precious blue pill. What the fuck. Am I that reliant on it? Is it that effective? Does it make that much impression on my mood?
Apparrently so. It makes me feel like a failure. A failure that I have to rely on that pill to be nice. To have patience. To tolerate my kids. A failure that I can't seem to remember to take it and then the result is a day like today. A day I've said terrible mean words to my kids. Words I'd judge other mom's for saying. Words I'd call other moms "Bad Moms" for saying.
Last night at Supper Club we were discussing "Baby Fever".... I'm the most likely "next up" in our group to have babies. Everyone else has a little one or has one on the way. And I stand firm I am not ready... not yet and not anytime soon. Ryan has been bugging me since Hudson's 1st birthday for another baby. Yeah right. And he keeps reminding me I "had the baby itch" not long ago. Yes, yes for a moment. A fleeting moment. And thank fucking God for IUD's because I can't possibly act on a whim of Baby Fever.
Katie said it best.... I might have a day of wishing for another baby but then all I'd have to do is spend a full day with the 2 active boys I have and say "Oh hell no!".
Because honestly, after a day like today, I'd prefer to cut my uterus out myself before adding another baby to the mix.
it must have been that God damned full moon we had a night or so ago. this day has been hell. not so much with the girls, but just hell. I feel ya! Today, I wished I had a little blue pill to make everything a little better.
ReplyDelete{{{hugs}} to you. I read your blog faithfully and youare NOT a bad mother. you are human as the rest of us. It's hard parenting and there are days taht we are not going to be perfect and you will not have patience, but just pray for it to come and look at each day as new beginning. I have an 18yr old , 14 yr old and a FOUR year old! imagine me...thinking I was done with kids then boom! at 40 God blessed me with another. HOW the heck was I going to do this?!?! start over wow!. She's now 4 and there are days wheN i don't know how I can get through the antics of a 4 year old, but by the Grace and blessing of God I do it somehow. You will too. I am on antidepressant too and there is NOTHING wrong at all with having to have something to help you. Hey! i gave u pa long time ago on feeling like I was a failure if I had to have a pill to help me...I finally just said if something works...WHY NOT take it? It's helping YOU and we can't help and take care of our children until we can take care of ourselves. So you can do it :) from reading your blogs for such a long time (i found you back at scrapjazz years ago and have followed) you are a great mom and don't ever doubt yourself. You are just going through the normal motions of parenting. Hope you have a good day {{{hugs}}}
ReplyDeleteI've said it before and I will say it again chica. It is a chemical imbalance. It is NOT your fault. It is a physiological deficiency. You are not a failure for taking a drug that physiologically balances you out. That would make you a good mom for helping yourself.
ReplyDeleteTake your meds!! They work better when you take them consistently!!!