goodbye airhead week

This week was rough.   I literally felt like I was "off" all week... I couldn't get my shit together, couldn't remember things, was late continuously, and kids kept getting sick randomly.   I'm glad to start a new week over tomorrow.

Let me recap my fun for you:

Well we can go back to the 21st... which I think was kind of the beginning of a 2 week chaos.   We'd just gotten home from NYC and it was Porter's birthday.   Of course I didn't have anything for him to take into school!  Amelia had gymnastics in the morning so the girls and I picked up donuts and cake from the bakery and dropped the donuts off at P's school.  Voila.   We made it to gymnastics, then home for nap.   I know there was something else going on during the day but now I can't remember.   Hudson got home from school, telling me how he got good marks on his daily behavior sheet and then said his teacher wanted to see his new American Girl Boy doll, and I could bring it to the meeting after school.  Meeting? OH SHIT!  The meeting I was supposed to be at an hour ago!  I felt horrible.   We had a quick dinner, cake and sang to Porter, then took the 3 bigs to swimming, Ry dropped off Lou at the pool so he could go to a football board meeting at 7, then I left Porter at the school after swim so he could go to basketball from 8-9, where Ryan would pick him up.  OH MY WORD!   Tuesday, please give me a break!

Fast forward to Thursday... Hudson woke up sick in the middle of the night.  Ryan was heading out of town for the weekend.  I kept him home and he literally laid in bed ALL DAY LONG... just zoned out or sleeping.  Poor kid was miserable.   I oiled him up with Exodus II, Thieves, Oregano and diffused the heck out of his room.   Luckily it was also gorgeous out that day so I was able to air out the house.  I feel like by February, the house is basically a petrie dish of germs from winter.

Friday morning, Porter acted sick and Hudson said he "still felt a little icky tummy"... so I kept them all home.   By 9am I realized... EVERYONE WAS TOTALLY FINE.   Grarrr.   So, my day of running errands and dropping off donations around town and grocery shopping was pretty much shot.
Now for the week of "Nicole is an effing airhead".

Monday:  Work meeting at 10:30am.  Every week.   Right?   Well, I scheduled Amelia's riding lesson at noon, which meant I needed to pick her up at 11:30 from school, meaning I needed to leave home at 11.   GAH.   Then, I forgot her riding boots.   Luckily she had boots on at school so that worked.

Tuesday... uhm.   I think Tuesday was okay.   I remember forgetting something... I've said "I am failing" at least 10 times this week.

Wednesday... I work Wednesdays and had plans to meet Carly at the Chelsea Treehouse at 5.  I have a hard time stopping work when I'm in a "zone" and... well, got into the shower at 3:45 to leave the house at 4:30.  Yeah.  Well, at 4:35 I ask Amelia to get out of my bed (she had "rested" during nap time watching cartoons), and she got up and said "I feel sick!"   Yup.  Burning up.  Spit up phlegm.   I called Carly, who was already on her way.  I feel like the shittiest friend because I never commit to things and when I finally do, I'm freaking late or have to bail!   So, I decided... nope.   I'll leave her home and take the other two.   Of course she bawled and asked why she couldn't go... even though the poor thing felt miserable.

Thursday...  Ryan's birthday.  I'd ordered him some black Ugg boots online.  Well, the Ugg website was out of stock in his size so I checked Amazon.   Got the boots earlier in teh week but didn't look at them.   I went to wrap his present and opened the boot package and realized... these suckers are knock offs!   Plain brown box, no care tags etc.   WHAT THE WHAT.   The quality looked great still, but I was ticked to pay the same price as real Uggs.   So... I wrapped up his knock off boots and figured, we can return them later and order from teh website.

Took Porter to an appointment that afternoon, and then ran home- fed kids leftovers, and went to Hudson's music program at school.   When I got home I realized... I forgot I had planned to meet Katie and Brynn at the clay/potter place!  ACKKK.

(By the way... Hudson did amazing at his program.  Last year he cried at his 2nd grade program, and refused to even go up on stage for his class Poetry day at the local theater.  This year?  He got up on stage with ALL 8 third grade classes and an entire auditorium of parents and families watching.  And he sang!  And he did the motions to the songs!  I was so proud!)

Friday:  Had a meeting with Porter's teacher + counselor + principal.  This was at the same time as Amelia's school pickup so... Ryan went to do pickup.  However, as we were leaving the house, Lulu puked.   I went to the meeting (because... already stood them up once!), and Ryan got Amelia.  Chaos.  Met up with him and grabbed Amelia to take to her riding lesson, then ran home to meet a friend who was coming over to pick up some class supplies.

Saturday.. Basketball game at 9am.   Amelia's friend had a birthday party that afternoon, so I told her we'd head to Target before adn pick out her present (she wouldn't let me get one earlier in teh week without being there to pick it out).   We left home at 12:40... drove by Brynn's house and Amelia says "Mom... everyone is already there!"   I'm like... uhhh... yeah, there are a lot of cars there for a 2:00 party!   I stopped and looked at my texts and sure enough, party is from 12-2!  GAHH!  I spin around run back home, ask Ryan for $20 and put it in a card.  Amelia is bummed she didn't get to pick out a present but I felt so horrible for being late!  Thank goodness they live down the road and Amelia saw the cars in their driveway, or we'd have been chillin' at Target showing up 2 hours late!

So this week has just been... a mess.   I'm ready for a do-over!

Real Life Homework

When your 3rd graders math homework is measuring circumference and you check it and realize he measured around your ginormous wine bottle. #winning#13inchesaroundthatbaby #winebythegallon

No Pets

My house is trashed and there are about 40 other things I could have accomplished this evening but at 6:20 I decided it was too nice of a day to clean and do domestic activities so I loaded these 3 up in the car to go to the Metropark for a half hour and soak up this gorgeous weather. Fall is approaching quickly, after all, and we won't have beautiful 70* evenings to play. 

We arrived at the park and immediately everyone needed to use the bathroom. Of course. I send them to the port-a-potty alone, not wanting to see what they touch inside. Hudson goes, Amelia turns back and opts to continue playing. She then whines she's thirsty. I think to myself, why didn't I just pop them in the bath and deposit them into bed early this evening? And then I hear her mutter "oh shit" as she attempts to scale the obstacle course climber. I attempt to brush it off and play it cool and hope the other family at the park didn't hear my 4 year old potentially corrupting their boys.

I give the kids a 5 minute warning and breathe a sigh of relief as the cute family with polite, well behaved children pack up to head home. Amelia then says "I have to go potty real bad!" Seeing we were all alone, aside from two teenage girls occupied with their cell phones, I tell her to go behind the tree over there. I smugly high five myself as I see her squatting inconspicuously behind the tree. I taught her well.

Then she yells "I need you to wipe me mom!" What? Wipe? Oh yes. She took a shit behind the tree at the park. I tell the kids to hurry up, we have to go because well, evidence + kids are loud + I don't usually take doggy poop bags to the park with my children. Then Hudson yells loudly "she POOPED behind the tree?!" We scurry down the sidewalk and she noted the sign we had talked about on the way in... No animals in the park so they don't POOP where children play. Let's hope it rains tonight. I can't take these kids anywhere. We are going home. To bed. stick a fork in me. Im done.

Target Mom

That mom you heard lose her shit in the school supply section of Target while 3 kids talked in circles around her in excitement about new school supplies. That was me. #raiseshand #steamoutofears #peoplewerestaring#walkingcircus #whyamitalkingandnooneislistening#focus!!

the day my pregnant head almost exploded....

over a crispy chicken sandwich at McDonalds.

You heard me.  This was an actual mind blowing order.

Picture this.  We're running late to my niece's gymnastics event and I'm toting along 2 extra kids that I didn't plan on bringing (it was supposed to be just me, Amelia and my grandma.... but the boys decided at the last minute they wanted to go.  *sigh*).  No one has had lunch so I plan to drive through McD's to grab some sandwiches.

I pull up to our local McD's.  Here's the conversation.

Me:  Hi!  I need 2 crispy chicken sandwiches with lettuce and cheese only
McD's Dingleberry:  Which one would you like?
Me:  Uhhhh I don't know... the crispy chicken sandwich... whichever one that is
McD's Dingleberry:  Well, we have a #8, which is a Deluxe. And a #6. And then we have the Dollar Menu sandwich too.
Me: Uhmmm.  It doesn't matter, I just need a crispy chicken sandwich with lettuce and cheese.
McD's Dingleberry:  I need to know which one you want.
Me:  Whichever one.  I just want a bun, with a crispy chicken patty on it, with a slice of cheese and some lettuce.  I don't know which one it is... but that's what I need.
McD's Dingleberry:  I don't know either.
Me:  Holy shitfuck, you've got to be kidding me!  *slams on gas and peels out of McD's*

I drive to a SECOND McD's (mind you, I've ordered this crispy chicken sandwich before for the boys, and no one has had an issue pushing the damn buttons on their fast food ordering machine).

Me:  Hi there.... I need 2 crispy chicken sandwiches with lettuce and cheese only
McD's DingleBerry #2:  Do you want the Deluxe or the Dollar Menu one?
Me: *taking deeeeep breath and almost laughing to myself*   I don't know... I just need a crispy chicken patty on a bun with lettuce and cheese only.
McD's Dingleberry #2: Ok.   Anything else?
Me:  Yes, a double cheeseburger with no pickle, a 4piece McNugget
McD's Dingleberry #2: Hold on a moment please.  (she pauses. I clearly broke her when I added the McNuggets)
McD's Dingleberry #2:  Ok.  So 2 crispy chicken sandwiches with cheese and lettuce only. What else did you need?
(I finally repeat my order and we are able to get our food)

HOLY HELL.  I mean, is this for real?   And they want $15 an hour..... HA!

kickin' it old school parenting

It's been awhile since I've vented about my children driving me to want to drink.  Actually... I am pretty sure the last time they drove me to drink I ended up knocked up..... errrr.   Its been awhile since I've vented about the boys because well... maybe I've just become desensitized to the embarrassing parenting moments.  Or maybe because they're both in school.  Or maybe because it isn't summer.  Oh summer... I know there will be some doozies then.

It's not a secret that my boys are a bit... strong willed.   At least that's what I'd assume you'd call them.  Maybe I suck as a parent.  That's probably more like it.  At this point I'm not quite sure.  We'll say its both.  Because for some reason my kids can toe any line like it's their job.   Tell them not to do something and they find some bass-ackward way to do it without actually going against the very thing I told them not to do.   I've dreaded school and babysitters because they need someone who is firm and will put their foot down and not let my kids walk all over them (ie... those sweet, doe eyed teenage babysitters who just want to be their friend... uhm.... doesn't work).   Luckily, my boys are pretty good in school... minus Hudson's first 2 months where he tried to get away with being stubborn but his teacher out-stubborned him.  I knew she was awesome. I'm also buying her a fifth of somethin' somethin' at the end of the year because lord knows I'd need it after a year of working with him HAHA!

The boys take an art class every Thursday night.  This is their 2nd semester.  The teacher is a young, quiet, sweet college girl.   Enter... recipe for disaster.   First semester we had a few issues with Hudson being a snot and not listening (ie... he thought it was a joke when he was goofing off and was told to stop).   2nd semester they had a sub for a few weeks.  She was a "mom age" and I could tell had a much more "doesn't take any crap" personality and the boys were great for her.  No issues. Well, young, sweet, college girl teacher has been back teaching for awhile.  Tonight both of my boys decided to royally embarrass me with their rottenness.

First, Miss Sweetie Pie brings Porter out of class to me.  She explains that he didn't want to draw and wanted to read his book, so she told him he'd need to leave class.   I thought this was it.  I looked at him and said "So what your'e saying is I'm paying for your art class and you'd rather read?"  Then she explains further... that he was being rude when she asked him to put his book away and had an attitude when she told him he needed to leave class.   I'm pretty sure steam started to pour out my ears.  I apologized to her and took his book away (WTF talk about irony... sorry kid I don't want you to read!).   I told him to sit down and had him write her an apology.   I was fuming.    

After class, we went to get Hudson and Porter took his letter to Miss Sweetie Pie.  Then Hudson decided to start talking like a baby and saying "I'm a WOMAN!"  loud while all the parents are in the class checking out the art work from the evening.  I asked him to stop and he continued to baby talk and say weird, awkward things.  (Porter did explain to me that last week all the boys had sat at one side of the table and the girls at the other... and Hudson was on the girls side so they were joking with him that he was a girl or a woman).  My brain was screaming >>holy shit my kids are being so awkward and rude and weird tonight let me go crawl into a hole and die wtf is wrong with them I swear they're normal!<<  After asking him to stop numerous times more I finally just growled at them both to go get their coats and get to the truck. NOW.  

Ryan was not happy when I told him Porter was kicked out of class.  H
e immediately started pacing the house looking for something.   A notebook.  And a pencil.  He wrote down "I will not be disrespectful" and told Porter he was to sit and write it 100 times. Ouch.    Then he realized Hudson had been rude too, so he told him to write 50 times (because he was just not listening... Porter had been disrespectful to his teacher).  Then Hudson earned 10 more sentences TWICE for throwing a fit about not being able to use a pen and something else.

AUGHGHGHGH!!

Porter got his sentences done.  Hudson... got to 17.  He can not focus.  He sits and whines.  We told him he could do them during recess tomorrow if he doesn't finish and still he sat and whined and dinked around with his pencil and anything else he could occupy his time with. Soooo... he'll be writing tomorrow at school.   And probably in the truck on the way to the beach tomorrow night.

I swear.  I swear.   I'm at the end of my rope with consequences.  They've had privileges taken away.  They've lost technology. They've lost time with friends.  I don't know what else to do.  So... I guess we go old school and write sentences.   Lord help me.

my life is poop

Some mornings you just can't escape the reality that your life really is.... all about poop. 

It started off with a dream.  Yes.  I dreamt about poop.   Pregnancy does weird things to you.   I dreamt there was a turd in the toilet that I could not flush. (Someone... quick... analyze this dream!).  I tried and tried to flush it but.... there wasn't enough water pressure.  So, I looked in the tank of the toilet and realized the chain wasn't short enough and the stopper kept slowing down the flow.  I stuck my hand in the tank, pulled the chain up a few little "balls" (like those military dog tag chains that are ball necklaces) and then flushed and in my dream I saw a close up of the turd flushing down the toilet. SUCCESS!

I woke up (for the 5th time that morning... I can't get a decents night sleep anymore) to Ryan telling me Amelia had pooped in her pajamas and it was down her leg and on her floor... and she was trying her hardest to clean it up with baby wipes.  I got up and... cleaned up poop.

I put her in the bath because, really, that was the only solution to this mess.  Hudson wakes up and comes into the bathroom to..... poop.   He talks about his poop and asks if he's stinking up the bathroom. Yup.  Poop.

I make my way downstairs and find Ruby sniffing something on the living room floor.   She pooped in the early morning on the living room carpet.  I clean up poop.

I go back upstairs to brush my teeth and find the toilet filled with poop.  Hudson hasn't flushed. WHY CAN'T BOYS JUST FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN THEY ARE DONE?   I threaten to take a picture of it and tape it to his bedroom wall every time he leaves poop in the toilet because IF I HAVE TO SEE IT SO SHOULD HE.

And finally... I find myself cleaning the rabbit litter this morning.  More.  Stinkin.  Poop.  

What has my life become.   

Poop.  

story of my life

Not kidding... this totally happened.   You know those days when everyone is fighting over something stupid, and your attempts to diffuse the situation don't help at all, and you finally lose your everloving mind?   Yeah... well.... its perfect when 1D comes on the radio with Story of My Life and you can blare it loud.... because truthfully, the fighting... the chaos.... the losing your mind.... that is the true story of my life.  

suga' suga' everywhere....

We got home from school pickup and Hudson made himself a snack of Rice Krispies with sugar.  He apparently forgot to put everything away.  While the boys snacked and watched some shows, I was finishing editing a clients pictures.  I heard Amelia in the kitchen, but didn't think there was anything terrible she could get into (mind you, she regularly makes herself at home on the island, kitchen table or the counters.  She's a master at hauling tall-as-her stools around to get wherever she needs....errr wants... to go).

I heard her saying "Woooh!  Woooh!" (or something like that) and decided.... hmmmmm... better go check that out.  And.... this is what I found.  (Yes, I took pictures.... when the mess is already there, might as well laugh about it.  It is what it is....)

the week from hell

Somehow, my husband leaves town for a week and my world starts to fall apart.  Hmm.  

Ryan was sent to Seattle for a week for training for a new saw his company was purchasing and he would be responsible for programming.  I usually don't mind him being gone, and was not worried at all about having a week without him. 

I quickly began to wish he was home asap. 

Let's see... 

Before Ryan left, I got a phone call from my mom that her Uncle George (far left) had passed away suddenly at home.  He is my grandma's brother, and he lives just a couple miles from us.  I remember spending many holidays and events at he and Aunt Pat's house when I was a child.  My favorite memories there are fishing off the dock or pontoon, their pet squirrel "TreeLake" and their two dogs Max and Maggie.  For the past 4 years or so we've spent 4th of July at their house on the lake.  I'm so thankful for these annual memories!

Because Uncle George passed away, mom had to get a quick flight into MI from DC.  I usually pick her up, so no big deal... Amelia and I set off to Lansing to pick her up, even killing an hour in the Salvation Army.  We get to the airport and I decided to go in since Amelia had been in the car for awhile already.  We were just hanging out, running around and waiting for my mom.

Here's Amelia... having a blast...

Until I realized we were at the wrong airport.

My FB status:

So we went to the Lansing Airport to pick my mom up today..... She flew into Detroit. #theuniversehatesme

Luckily my sister in law lives not far from the Detroit airport and our truck was there from Ryan leaving for Seattle.  (we usually park at her house and then have her drop us off at the airport).  So, she picked my mom up and my mom drove the truck home. 

And then... the dogs.  OhHhhh the dogs.  

My FB status:
The dogs took off again. My day can't possibly get worse can it? Their new escape plan is breaking the wood privacy fence to get out. As you can see, we have already patched it twice. I seriously hope they get hit by a car and die. But with my luck they'd just be seriously injured. In this case, I'm calling someone with a gun to shoot them. I'm over it.

And well, then I ended up with an Instragram hater. 

FB status:
I love people that don't get me. Susan check your mail.... Two dogs will be coming Fed Ex to ya! They had the audacity to come back home at 1:30am barking, after I was cozy in bed. #mydogsaredouches

Next FB Status:Not only did they come home sopping muddy with swamp water at 1:30am, but they also tore up the garbage I had sat outside the front door to take out in the morning. Hope you enjoyed diapers for dinner because if you're not home at dinner time you don't eat. House rule. @susanguckel keep an eye out in the mail for 'em. Ill send the garbage with them. They may get hungry on the trip. #mydogsaredouches

And then on Tuesday... remember how my mom drove Ryan's truck home?  Well she parked it at the very end of the driveway--- where I'm not used to having it parked.  And so I did a very Nicole-Thing to do....

My week keeps getting better and better! Backed into Ryan's truck in my own driveway. If I don't shoot myself I'm sure he is going to. #theuniversehatesme#thisweeksucks

Later that day:
Who has a voodoo doll of me? I'm taking bets on whether or not this turns into something serious this week. Ughhhh

. 

And even later that day:
The dogs escaped again. Busted more boards. And killed our neighbors 6 chickens and 2 turkeys. What. The. Hell. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday:
Is this hand, foot, mouth!?!?  I wish I were making this up. I'm ready to crawl in a hole and hide until Ryan comes home Saturday. ughhhhhhhh.

Thursday:
This would be the icing on my hell-week cake. Lice in the classroom. Gahhhhhhh!!!!

A permanent fixture

The car topper has become quite the joke.   We've been home from vacation for 5 days and it is still on there.   Last night I was grumpy.  Really grumpy.   And Ryan said he wasn't going to take the effing topper off last night so I said "Then let's see how you like driving that biotch to work tomorrow!"
  

Well... today I had to run errands.  Ran into a friend at Target who, as we walked out to the parking lot, said she couldn't remember where she parked.  

"You wouldn't forget if you had one of these on your car!"

And then at Meijer, as I was unloading the kids, another friend drove by and said "Ma'am... where can I get one of those for my car?"

I about died laughing.  

It's turning into the butt of all jokes.   Awesome.

The. Best. Christmas. Tree. Ever. (if you have a sense of humor)

Fun family traditions?  Uh.  Seems like anytime we try to plan something fun as a family it ends up being a ridiculous stressful event full of whining and irritated huffing and puffing.

Today for example.  We planned to get our Christmas tree   A real one this year.  I also planned to meet a lady at meijer at noon to buy a movie.   I told Ryan this at like 10 am.   Amelia laid down for a nap and at 1130 I decides to wake her up and asked Ry to get the boys coats, shoes and hats on and pack some cheese and crackers while I got Amelia dressed.

Well he had to get himself dressed.  And then mentioned he needed to dump garbage out of the truck (he takes our garbage to his work to dump).  Then the truck was in the back yard (which is gated), so we had to move the van to get the truck out.  The carseats weren't even in the truck.  The chainsaw wasn't in the truck.  Porter was whining and getting pissed because his shoes didn't "feel right".  Hudson was getting pissed because he couldn't get his mitten on right.  Amelia was pissed because she wanted a bottle.  I was pissed because we only had 10 minutes to get across town to meet this lady.  Ughhh.   I was ready to call it quits and just dig out the fake tree yet again.  

But... we made it work.  I called the lady, we got the carseats in the truck, the kids loaded up and we made it only 15 minutes late.  Sure, we were all silent and brooding on the trip out there but once we got to the tree farm (which is a friends' parents tree farm, and was closed so we had the run of the place) our spirits lifted.  The boys were really excited about our new adventure.   

The pickins' were kind of slim for a smaller tree.  These trees were HUGE!  We walked all the way down the path and back and contemplated and discussed and compared and pondered.   Ryan's theory was "We just need to find one that has a good 'body' and we can trim it into a good shape once we're home" Ok.  Remember this, right?   

So we find a few trees that are far too tall.  One would work if we hacked the top off (it was kind of narrower in the middle toward the top) and others seemed like they'd work if we hacked about 4 feet off the bottom and trimmed the sides up a ton.  We finally settled on one that seemed pretty close to what we needed.  It was a little fuller than we'd liked but we figured we can trim it up, right? 

We took a few pictures... my hubby is the best- he carried this huge wooden uh, thing, over so I could set my camera up and use the self timer.   We packed the tree up, and headed home.  

Here's where the fun begins... are you ready for some laughs??  When we finally got around to bringing the tree in it was dark.  Ryan went outside and when he brought the tree in the first thing I thought was "WOAH... way too big."  We obviously either overestimated the size of our house or underestimated the size of that tree.  The second thought? "What the hell happened to the top of the tree and why is there so much trunk showing?!"  (Ryan says "I only trimmed a little off the top!)  I am pretty sure this is why he said to me "I"m going to run up to Menards for garbage bags... and look at their trees." I shot the idea down.  NO!  We went and picked out our tree and we're going to make it work!  Little did I know he'd hacked a hunk of the top off of it! HAAH!

So out to the front yard we went with a hedge trimmer and chainsaw.   Ry cut off some of teh trunk (and I'm pretty sure more of the branches at the bottom because we needed to cut MORE trunk off later), and I went to town with the hedge trimmers trying to shape the tree into a recognizable triangle shape.   The neighbor came by to get his dog (who ran into our yard) and said "That's unique... cutting the top of the tree off instead of the bottom!  Shows you don't follow the crowd, huh?"  HAHAHA!

After oh, an hour?? Who knows... and many many laughs, we finally got our tree looking decent.  Oh my word.   Ryan kept saying we should just go buy another tree and I refused.  No.  This was OUR ugly tree and it is going to be a great memory.  Ugly or not, it's staying.  

Living with "naughties": aka "Only at the Barczaks' House"

Hudson and Cooper... oh these two keep us on our toes.  It used to be Porter.. but he's kind of outgrown most of that naughtiness.

Let's start with Hudson.  In the past 2 weeks:

• He clogged the bathroom sink with random junk
• He got a shish-kebob skewer jammed in the toilet 
• He scooped powdered formula into his humidifier... which upon cleaning I found a marble, a matchbox car, a pencil shaving, a shell and a rubber Automoblox tire in it. 
• Drove my grandma's car into a telephone pole.  Oh yes.  Only at the Barczaks' house....
  
  Last Monday my grandma came over to watch the boys while Amelia and I had lunch with Jane.  She brought Aubri with her.  While I was gone, she let the kids wash her car.  I told her to go ahead and park it in the front yard under the tree so it was in the shade.  When I got home, we chatted out front for a bit and then my grandma and I took Amelia inside.  Not long after we hear Aubri and Porter screaming.  We both run to the front door and as I make my way outside I see my grandmas car rolling towards our driveway from the neighbors yard!!!
  
  I run to the car as it rolls to a stop and it crosses my mind that if he has the car on and hits the gas I might be chasing a moving car driven by a 4 year old.  I hop in and put the car in park... turns out he somehow got it into neutral and it rolled down our driveway, turned toward our neighbors yard and bounced off their telephone pole!
  
  After we realized everyone was okay, nothing was seriously damaged in the fiasco, my grandma and I start busting up laughing.  Then Hudson says to us in this pitiful little voice "And I even went potty in my paaaaants!"   We start laughing even harder, which makes Hudson burst into tears- the "ugly cry"... scrunched up face, lip sticking out, mortified.  I check his pants and sure enough... he shit his pants!
  
  What a day.  What a day.  

And Cooper.  He's the King of Naughty.  Lately:

• We've been losing pacifiers left and right.  Finally found the culprit:  Cooper is EATING them.  Like, swallowing them (at least I watched him swallow one).  
• He climbs the 3.5' baby gate.  The gate stays in place... he shimmies up and over. 
• He randomly brings us dirty diapers from the garbage.  Luckily if we're around he won't eat them, he just brings them to us.  But he has been known to tear them up. 
• He escaped from the mudroom while we were swimming at my grandmas.  We came home to a living room full of the bedding for the rats (he tore apart the entire bag!), a shredded shopping bag that had baby clothes in it, and shredded diapers.  Oh... and he got into a basket and pulled out a package of NEW pacifiers, ripped open the package and ate the nipple off both pacifiers.  What is wrong with him?!?!

Nail Polish Homicide

I swear.  Three and Four are such shitty ages in my book.  I can handle the tantrumy 2's, but what is it about 3 and 4 that make my kids go haywire and get into stuff?!?!   Just as Porter has outgrown (in the past year) his 3 year streak of mutilating my makeup, tearing up my landscaping and basically wreaking havoc anytime he's left to his own devices for half an hour.... Hudson chimes in.

Naptime. My quite time.  I don't "require" them to sleep but I do demand they give me an hour of peace while they read books or listen to their radio.  Porter is pretty good at this and 99% of the time Hudson falls asleep and naps for a good 2-3 hours.

Today, I let Hudson sleep in my bed.  This has become our ritual on days we are home together- we nap in my room.  Well I had things I wanted to get done so I tucked him into bed and went downstairs.

20 minutes later Porter calls to me "Mom.... Hudson has your nail polish and its all over the walls and your bed!"

GAHHHH!.

I'm not kidding.  FOUR bottles of nail polish.  Dumped over my lamp (lightbulb) and dripping down the base, a puddle on the night stand, a puddle in two different spots on the wood floors, "HUDSON" written on the walls in bright pink, one of my favorite necklaces sitting in a puddle of nail polish, the new comforter I just got (albeit, at a garage sale) has dark burgundy blobs on it, my comfy comfy bamboo sheets have what look like dried blood spots on it.  UGHGHGH.

I kid you not, it looks like a murder scene.   Good Friday.  Hudson might be praying for a resurrection this Sunday as well.....

Don't mind us...

I didn't sleep well last night and woke up wishing I could just lay in bed allll day.  However, I had missed last weeks service at church b/c I was working in Hudson's class so I really wanted to go today.  I decided we'd throw on some clothes and grunge it for a day.

Unfortunately, my new yoga pants were in the laundry so I wore my old black ones- which I found out too late that they had a hole in the knee (just a small pencil eraser sized hole but STILL!!).  Old black yoga pants + chocolate brown Uggs + black maternity peacoat.  Niiiice.

And we got to church and realized none of us had brushed our teeth (EWWWW) and once Porter took his hat off I noticed the terrible bed head he had going on.  I'm talking frizzed up, matted, spikey mess in the back.  EEEEK!

I DID manage, however, to wet down and brush out Hudson's bed head before leaving the house.  I may or may not have used a dog brush because I was too lazy to go upstairs, but even if I did... it was purchased at Target in the people section.  And I cleaned it out first.  That counts, right?

So yes, we were a mess at church.  Good thing God doesn't judge!  And good thing Westwinds is about as laid back as it can get and its pretty dark in the auditorium for service.

Next week I'll try to look presentable, mmmkay?

I'm LAAAATE!

What a freaking morning.  I woke up to the boys in bed with me, fighting about who was laying where and who was kicking who.  I rubbed my groggy eyes and flipped up my pillow to read 7:54 on my clock.  I rubbed my eyes again, trying to focus on those numbers and understand what it meant. 

It meant... I"M LATE!!  I am subbing for Mo this week and of COURSE the one time I don't wake up to my alarm is the day I actually have students waiting for me (sidenote:  those of you who don't know me.. I'm always always always late.  But its usually because my kids set me back in the morning, messes etc... or I'm dawdling.  My 'arrival' time to work is somewhat flexible so I don't stress if I'm a few min. late.  HOWEVER... when I sub, obviously I HAVE to be there on time and I have never been late for subbing).  

I hopped out of bed and start RUNNING through the upstairs.  Luckily, Porter had planned out his and Hudson's clothes (love that boy!) and he got himself dressed.  I wiped my face down with a babywipe, attempted to throw the front of my hair back in a barrette and threw some clothes on. I called work and let the secretary know what was going on and had her send the other Lit Coach in to cover for me for a few minutes. 

Downstairs I put H's clothes in his bag, put a coat and shoes on the kids and tossed them into the van.  Grabbed my water, purse and bag and was out the door.  

In 20 minutes. 

Folks, that's record time! Granted, I have no idea if either of my kids have socks or underwear, they didn't brush their teeth this morning and I forgot my own coat (and its like, what, 28* today??) but I managed to drive both kids to their separate childcare locations and make it to work (ALL THE WAY ACROSS TOWN) and was only 15 minutes late!  

I'm sure my sitters were cracking up because I called them ahead of time and let them know what was going on and said something like "We're going to be flying in like a hot mess and I'm just dropping them off... can't chat!  Sorry!!"  HAHA!

So far, the day is going okay.  Kid had assembly this morning until 9:30 (so that gave me time to compose myself, put on a little makeup from my purse and get ready for the day) and we also have early release today at 2:30 so technically the long part of the day is over. 

WHEW!

Just another Manic Monday

Serious.  Today was literally a day from h-e-double hockey sticks.  UGHHH!

The boys woke up at 6am.  Rise and shine!  "I'm HUNGRY!"  "My belly is growling!"  "I want to go downstaaaaiiiiirs!!

Took them downstairs to put on a movie so I could attempt to fall back asleep on the couch. Not going to happen.  The boys were whining and fighting and crabby and being ridiculous.

I turned the tv off and sent them both back to bed.  I headed back to my own comfy bed as well.

I must have been super tired because I didn't wake up until 11am.  Did I mention I woke to the sound of things being thrown down the stairs?

I asked Porter what they were doing... and if they'd made a mess... and if I was going to be mad when I got downstairs.

He told me yes.  Well, can't say I wasn't warned.

And then he tells me "I made the dining room an ice rink with whipped cream and I was sliding on it!"

Frick.  FrickFrickFrickFrick.

Okay people... now, if you've been a loyal blog reader for awhile now you know that I'm pretty well seasoned when it comes to my kids (mainly Porter in the past) making messes.  And they're usually random, chaotic, what-the-hell messes (like hoarding an entire cake from the fridge, or demolishing my makeup, or shutting down the power in the ice ring, or flooding the bathroom and playing in tile grout powder, or eating an entire package of ice cream sandwiches). You get it... I'm used to this type of stuff.

But... as I slowly and cautiously made my way downstairs I was speechless at the mess that I found.

Hudson standing on my newly upholstered dining room chairs with paint from head to toe... including on my chair cushion.

Shaving cream (which was in the art cabinet) and whipped cream (from the fridge) EVERYWHERE.  A smeared layer covering the floor.  Splattered all over the buffet.  On the table, the table runner, the table legs and all of the dining room chairs.

Water.  Everywhere.  The art tub dumped out and sitting with an inch of water.  Puddles of cream and water on the floor.

The contents of the art cabinet (which is half of our buffet cabinet in the dining room) emptied onto the floor... markers and tissue paper and pipe cleaners and construction paper....  all of this soaked on the dining room floor.

A box of nails from the garage sitting on the table with a rubber mallet nearby.

Three boards from the garage... one covered in shaving cream... one covered in paint.  "Mom!  We painted a picture for you on that board!"

I couldn't even muster the ability to take pictures. I was that ticked.  I could not believe my eyes.

And, despite not taking my Nice-Mommy-Meds for a number of days, I managed NOT to scream or yell or call names or swear.  I calmly made Porter help me clean up the demolition that was my dining room.

Oh, this isn't all of it.

After the majority of the mess was cleaned up I sent the boys up to their rooms so I could mop the dining room floor and attempt to get the shaving cream out of the grooves of the hardwood floor.

I finished up in the dining room and then made my way into the bathroom.... soaked towels on the floor.... paint handprints on the sink and faucet.  In the living room... baskets of laundry had been dumped out.  A box of fruit snacks on the table... now empty.

I headed upstairs to get the boys dressed so we could run to school to pick up fruit I'd bought from Boy Scouts.  Porter waltzes out of the bathroom and announces "Mom, now I don't need to have my hair trimmed!  I did it myself!"

AUGHHHHHHH!  He had hacked the front of his hair off.  UGHHHH.  Seriously?  SERIOUSLY?  On top of the chaos downstairs he hacks off his hair???

I load the kids in the van and drive to work.  They fall asleep so I leave them in the van.  After picking up the fruit I called in an order to Panera and ran in to pick that up.  While the boys continued to sleep, I ate a yummy Smokehouse Turkey Panini in the car.  Then... off to The Barber Shop to see if Papa could fix Porter's hair.  Thank goodness he was able to somewhat salvage it.

I took the boys to the Dollar Tree to let Porter pick out gifts for family members.  At school we did a Santa Shop and it was all Dollar Store items and kids bought stuff for their family members.  At first I thought it was stupid but then I realized the kids really felt good about buying their loved ones gifts.  So, I let Porter pick out gifts for family members (So, just a forewarning... when you open Porter's gift, know that it is from HIM... I attempted to guide him toward items that were "suitable" LOL!).

Anyhow... then we ran to the post office where Porter shoved a piece of chocolate in his mouth while we were chatting with the lady in line in front of us.  Did I mention I hadn't given him a piece of chocolate?  And that he confessed in front of her that it came from the Dollar Store.... uhm... we didn't buy any chocolate from the Dollar Store.  And THEN the boys continue to fight over who is standing next to me in line... pushing each other and poking at each other.  And THEN Porter says, out of the friggin blue "I'm going to kill myself."

At that point I just totally ignored them.  I had nothign else to say.  Here I was, no shower, no makeup... looking like a scum bag and my kid is eating random chocolate from who knows where, they're pushing each other around and then saying I WANT TO KILL MYSELF?

All I have to say is it has been a day.  Day 1 of Christmas break... off to a greeeaaaat start.

What's the big deal

Motherhood... it isn't really a big deal. No. Its a bunch of little irritating deals that make you want to jump off a mother effing bridge.

Working is a love/hate relationship. I love to work... I love my job, my co-workers, my time away from my kids. I hate being gone all day, I hate getting ready in the morning, trying to remember 50 million things as I rush out the door with 2 kids. I hate the guilt, the trying to spread myself thin.... putting effort into work and then turn around and do the same for my kids/family.

This morning was one of those mornings. I felt like I was in one of those game shows... or a reality game or something. The goal: To get to the finish line (work) on time. The catch? Get yourself plus two kids ready, work out, remember lunches, checks for daycare and preschool, feed the kids, let the dog out and combat any challenges, tantrums, messes and fights the kids throw in your way.

Get up.
CHALLENGE #1: Child #1 is up and hungry and wants to play soccer outside. At 6am. In December.
Set child up with beloved Homeward Bound movie and some OJ. Tell him we'll play soccer later.
Work out.
Get in shower.
Begin to put on makeup.
CHALLENGE #2: Child #1 has to poop and is screaming to be wiped.
Wipe butt.
Back to putting on makeup.
Run to basement to find clothes.
Back upstairs.
CHALLENGE #3: Find Child #1 in Child #2's room with a whistle.
Attempt to quietly remove Child #1, close bedroom door. FAIL. Remove whistle from Child #1.
CHALLENGE #4: Child #2 is up and fussy.
CHALLENGE #5: Child #1 is throwing a tantrum because he wants his whistle back and wants to go play soccer outside. In December.
Find truck to entertain Child #2, distract Child #1 from whistle by getting him dressed for preschool.
Oh yeah! Back to getting ready.
Dry hair.
CHALLENGE #6: Child #1 running down hallway, cat meowing.
Call Child #2 over to discuss being nice to animals and relate to friendships and how he'd feel if his friends treated him that way.
Return to drying hair.
CHALLENGE#7: Child #1 using iPhone charger cord as a tow strap on truck.
Tell Child #1 to return cord to nightstand.
Return to drying hair.
CHALLENGE #8: #1 again using iPhone cord as a belt.
Spank Child #1 and put in time out.
Style hair.
CHALLENGE #9: Child #1 sliding down hallway, picking on Child #2.
Firmly, through gritted teeth, tell Child #1 to get back onto wall for time out.
Get dressed.
Grab socks.
Forget about earrings because I can't find any.
Find outfit for Child #2. Find socks. Where did that iPhone go?
Go downstairs.
Change Child #2's diaper.
CHALLENGE #10: Child #1 argues he doesn't need to wear socks.
Lay down the law and put his socks on.
Throw leftovers in lunchboxes for lunch.
Shit, I didn't put a water bottle in the freezer for today.
Ask Child #1 to put on shoes.
CHALLENGE #11: Child #1 complains he can't find them.
They're right by the counter!!!
CHALLENGE #12: Child #1 complains he can't put them on.
Well, I guess you'll stay home by yourself then.
Round up coats for everyone.
Deoderant! Put on deoderant.
Put coat on Child #2.
CHALLENGE #13: Child #1 says he's hungry... didn't have breakfast.
Give him a cup of dry cereal.
CHALLENGE #14: Child #2 now wants cereal too.
Give him a cup of dry cereal.
Take bags and lunches out to truck.
CHALLENGE #15: Child #2 now screaming because I left the house.
Finagle bags and cup of cereal and Child #2 and carry him to truck.
Shit... Child #2 doesn't have shoes on.
Find Child #2's shoes.
Tell Child #1 to get in his seat and get his arm straps on.
Buckle Child #2 into carseat.
Challenge #16: Child #1 still dinking around.
GET IN YOUR GOD DAMNED SEAT AND PUT YOUR FUCKING BUCKLE ON!'
Quickly turn and look to see if neighbors could have heard.

BEEEP BEEEEP BEEEPPPPP

FAIL GAME!!!!

Trying to help, I guess?

"just found a dryer full of dry clothes.... and cups and cups of powder laundry detergent. Thanks, Porter. *sigh*"

Barfzilla, the Monkey and the Doctor's Appointment from Hell

Today the boys had their well-baby visits... Porter's 3 year and Hudson's 9 month. Hudson is still sick.... he's been attached to my hip for the past 2 days, super fricking cranky and each diaper change brings on a change of clothes as well as bedding. Not to mention the dryer fuse is blown so I can't really wash laundry today until Ry picks up another fuse at Menards.

Their appointment was inconveniently scheduled for 2pm. That was all they had available so I said, sure.... not imagining I'd have a whiny toddler and a cranky ass baby on my hands all day. Throw in no afternoon nap and we're a barrel of fun over here.

I managed to take a shower after 2 days of not showering (remember... baby attached to hip). I even got my hair dried, styled and makeup on. I even managed to put on cute heels, jeans and a sweater with accessories and felt, well, kinda cute today.

I found a 30% off coupon for Gap so I thought after the doctor's appointment I'd brave the mall with 2 kids who will definitely not be acting themselves. I figured... Hey, let's do it!

Double stroller in the back of the car? Check.
Kids dressed and diaper bag packed? Check.
Paperwork for Porter's preschool to get filled out and signed? Check.
Coupon? Check.
New insurance card? Check.

We were even out the door on time. My friends, this does NOT happen around here that often.

We got to the doctor's and Porter headed to the toys. I sat the bag down and Hudson promptly started spitting... puking up. Just a little bit. Caught it in my hand. Whew! Good save, mom!

I should have known.

We got signed in and I grabbed a few extra paper towels from the bathroom just in case.

HAHAHA! So funny, now that I think about it.

We had barely just sat down and he puked. And he puked. And puked and puked some more. I swear to God it was like 2 bottles coming up. I stood up and just.... stared. It was all down my shirt, down his shirt and pants (note to self... corduroys hold in vomit... when child is sick put in windpants), and all over my jeans and the floor.

Somehow I managed to clean it up... or rub it in or whatever the hell happened. It was a whirlwind of 5 minutes. And would you know, I didn't bring an extra change of clothes for Hudson? I never do... I can't think of a time I've ever needed a change of clothes other maybe when they were newborns. And this was the type of vomit that went through his jean jacket, t-shirt, long sleeve shirt AND onesie.

We got back to the room and were checked over by Brooke (the nurse). I joked that we reeked like vomit but really, was it a joke? No.

Strip them down to diaper/undies and socks.

Sure thing!

Then we waited. And waited. And waited and waited for like 15 minutes. Being trapped in an 8x10 (that might be generous) room with two nearly-naked children one of which is bouncing off the walls from no nap and the other that is making non stop whining-humming-cranking noises (you know, that incessant annoying WHINE!). What fun! What kind of test is this.... are they trying to see what kind of mother you are? How much patience you possess?

Doctor finally arrived and apologized. No problem. I'm never on time so I understand.

We discuss Hudson... everything is a-ok. Due for a shot and a hemoglobin check. Great.

As we're talking we're discussing how Hudson is such a different kid that what Porter is... as Porter is bouncing back and forth from the floor to the bench seat to the examination table. I halfway tell him a few times to pick a spot to sit and stop bouncing around but then I get back in converstation with the doctor about this and that and is he pooping and eating foods and sleeping through the night and still in a rear facing carseat blah blah... and of course Porter's back at the seat shuffle again.

We lay Hudson down to peek in his ears and BAM!! Porter falls off the table and gets wedged inbetween the table and the wall. He starts screaming, Hudson starts screaming, the doctor (who was closest to Porter) yanks him up and tells him "That is why you don't move around on teh tables!" OMG. Let me die right now.

So Porter goes berzerk. He's freaked out that he fell... he's not hurt but scared. The doctor apologized for scolding him, but of course I don't care one bit... he deserved it. I have 2 screaming kids and she begins to try to listen to Porter's heart. He flips out.

Let me come back in a minute after you get them calmed down.

Sounds great!

Both kids are hanging on me, screaming. I'm about ready to pack up my naked children and run out the door. I made another bottle for Hudson... just what I need is more vomit but hey, it shut him up. Calmed Porter down and we proceeded with the appointment.

Anyone care to join me for a margarita tonight?

**********************************************
Porter: 29lbs and 35.75 inches
Everything was normal except she did find he has a slight heart murmur. She said it was nothing to worry about but she wanted to take note of it and keep an eye on it at his next appointment. Pretty normal for his age, and most kids outgrow it.

Hudson: 16lbs 14oz and 28 inches
Everything was normal other than he is falling off the curve for his weight. He hadn't gained much weight since his last appointment so she wants to keep an eye on that and try to get an extra bottle down him each day. However, I think this probably has something to do with the fact that he hasn't eaten in 2 days.