Kindergarten

Tomorrow my sweet girl goes off to kindergarten.   To say I'm not ready to let her go is an understatement.  She is SO ready to go... she's been asking about kindergarten since the last day of preschool!  I have joked with her that I'm not letting her go, that she's going to stay home with me one more year, or I'm going to homeschool her.  She tells me"NO mom!  I want to go to kindergarten!"   But I'm just so... sad.   I know I felt so sad about the boys going... but I think I realize now how fast it goes once they're in school.   My days with her are gone.  Gone.   I feel like I should have taken more advantage of it.  Worked less.  Been more spontaneous and taken her to more fun places.  I don't want her to grow up.  I want her to stay sweet, and innocent, and kind and caring and brave.   I'm literally in tears typing this.  I worry about her teacher... will she know how special she is?  Will she love her?  Will she be gentle and kind hearted and nurture my baby's heart and mind?  Will she embrace her ambition and boldness and fearlessness or will she find it a burden?   Will she treat her as if she were her own child?  

Life is just going by so fast right now.   I feel like I'm on this spinning wheel and I can't slow it down.  Summer is gone and I honestly feel like we blinked and it was over.  Did we embrace the days as much as we could?  I don't feel like we did.   Am I embracing these days with my babies as much as I can?  I don't feel like I am, but I feel like I'm trying.  

Slow down, time.   My heart can't take all this.

goodbye airhead week

This week was rough.   I literally felt like I was "off" all week... I couldn't get my shit together, couldn't remember things, was late continuously, and kids kept getting sick randomly.   I'm glad to start a new week over tomorrow.

Let me recap my fun for you:

Well we can go back to the 21st... which I think was kind of the beginning of a 2 week chaos.   We'd just gotten home from NYC and it was Porter's birthday.   Of course I didn't have anything for him to take into school!  Amelia had gymnastics in the morning so the girls and I picked up donuts and cake from the bakery and dropped the donuts off at P's school.  Voila.   We made it to gymnastics, then home for nap.   I know there was something else going on during the day but now I can't remember.   Hudson got home from school, telling me how he got good marks on his daily behavior sheet and then said his teacher wanted to see his new American Girl Boy doll, and I could bring it to the meeting after school.  Meeting? OH SHIT!  The meeting I was supposed to be at an hour ago!  I felt horrible.   We had a quick dinner, cake and sang to Porter, then took the 3 bigs to swimming, Ry dropped off Lou at the pool so he could go to a football board meeting at 7, then I left Porter at the school after swim so he could go to basketball from 8-9, where Ryan would pick him up.  OH MY WORD!   Tuesday, please give me a break!

Fast forward to Thursday... Hudson woke up sick in the middle of the night.  Ryan was heading out of town for the weekend.  I kept him home and he literally laid in bed ALL DAY LONG... just zoned out or sleeping.  Poor kid was miserable.   I oiled him up with Exodus II, Thieves, Oregano and diffused the heck out of his room.   Luckily it was also gorgeous out that day so I was able to air out the house.  I feel like by February, the house is basically a petrie dish of germs from winter.

Friday morning, Porter acted sick and Hudson said he "still felt a little icky tummy"... so I kept them all home.   By 9am I realized... EVERYONE WAS TOTALLY FINE.   Grarrr.   So, my day of running errands and dropping off donations around town and grocery shopping was pretty much shot.
Now for the week of "Nicole is an effing airhead".

Monday:  Work meeting at 10:30am.  Every week.   Right?   Well, I scheduled Amelia's riding lesson at noon, which meant I needed to pick her up at 11:30 from school, meaning I needed to leave home at 11.   GAH.   Then, I forgot her riding boots.   Luckily she had boots on at school so that worked.

Tuesday... uhm.   I think Tuesday was okay.   I remember forgetting something... I've said "I am failing" at least 10 times this week.

Wednesday... I work Wednesdays and had plans to meet Carly at the Chelsea Treehouse at 5.  I have a hard time stopping work when I'm in a "zone" and... well, got into the shower at 3:45 to leave the house at 4:30.  Yeah.  Well, at 4:35 I ask Amelia to get out of my bed (she had "rested" during nap time watching cartoons), and she got up and said "I feel sick!"   Yup.  Burning up.  Spit up phlegm.   I called Carly, who was already on her way.  I feel like the shittiest friend because I never commit to things and when I finally do, I'm freaking late or have to bail!   So, I decided... nope.   I'll leave her home and take the other two.   Of course she bawled and asked why she couldn't go... even though the poor thing felt miserable.

Thursday...  Ryan's birthday.  I'd ordered him some black Ugg boots online.  Well, the Ugg website was out of stock in his size so I checked Amazon.   Got the boots earlier in teh week but didn't look at them.   I went to wrap his present and opened the boot package and realized... these suckers are knock offs!   Plain brown box, no care tags etc.   WHAT THE WHAT.   The quality looked great still, but I was ticked to pay the same price as real Uggs.   So... I wrapped up his knock off boots and figured, we can return them later and order from teh website.

Took Porter to an appointment that afternoon, and then ran home- fed kids leftovers, and went to Hudson's music program at school.   When I got home I realized... I forgot I had planned to meet Katie and Brynn at the clay/potter place!  ACKKK.

(By the way... Hudson did amazing at his program.  Last year he cried at his 2nd grade program, and refused to even go up on stage for his class Poetry day at the local theater.  This year?  He got up on stage with ALL 8 third grade classes and an entire auditorium of parents and families watching.  And he sang!  And he did the motions to the songs!  I was so proud!)

Friday:  Had a meeting with Porter's teacher + counselor + principal.  This was at the same time as Amelia's school pickup so... Ryan went to do pickup.  However, as we were leaving the house, Lulu puked.   I went to the meeting (because... already stood them up once!), and Ryan got Amelia.  Chaos.  Met up with him and grabbed Amelia to take to her riding lesson, then ran home to meet a friend who was coming over to pick up some class supplies.

Saturday.. Basketball game at 9am.   Amelia's friend had a birthday party that afternoon, so I told her we'd head to Target before adn pick out her present (she wouldn't let me get one earlier in teh week without being there to pick it out).   We left home at 12:40... drove by Brynn's house and Amelia says "Mom... everyone is already there!"   I'm like... uhhh... yeah, there are a lot of cars there for a 2:00 party!   I stopped and looked at my texts and sure enough, party is from 12-2!  GAHH!  I spin around run back home, ask Ryan for $20 and put it in a card.  Amelia is bummed she didn't get to pick out a present but I felt so horrible for being late!  Thank goodness they live down the road and Amelia saw the cars in their driveway, or we'd have been chillin' at Target showing up 2 hours late!

So this week has just been... a mess.   I'm ready for a do-over!

sisters

This morning, the girls have ridden their play broom & mop "horses" around the house... galloping and making adorable horse noises.   They've laughed together.  Amelia has called Lulu "sweetie" and showed Lulu how to push her stuffed monkey around the house in a laundry basket.  I hopped in the shower, leaving them and their stick horses to gallop the main floor of the house.   I got out of the shower to find quiet.... I crept up the stairs and found two sweet little girls sitting in Amelia's bed, playing with stuffed animals, kids music on the radio, just chattering to each other (well, Amelia chattering to Lulu).   I adore this.
 
There are times I just can't believe the way they get along.   The boys weren't like this and the boys rarely get along even now.   I often wonder what I/we did wrong as parents to the boys.   What kept them from bonding as brothers?  What kept them from loving each other?  What created this dislike and resentment in each of their hearts?   *sigh*  I'm going to enjoy every moment of the girls loving each other- its so priceless to me. 

getting deep

This week has been one of those weeks where I feel like I'm failing miserably in every area of parenting possible.  Do you have those days?   Why does this parenting gig have to be so hard?  And why does it feel like so many other parents have it all together?

My oldest has a temper.  He's had a temper from the time he was a baby.  I remember as a toddler he would get SO mad about things.   Like... not normal toddler mad.  It continued on and now he's 10 and he's just... so negative all the time.   We try to do fun things with the kids and lo and behold, we always have Negative Nancy about everything.  I feel like he's slipping away.  Like he's moving into this tween age and I've lost connection with him and Ryan's lost connection with him and life is just SO BUSY that its hard to make all 4 of them feel loved and included all the time.   Truth be told, this kid is amazing.   He's so helpful and so social.   I realize that some of the best times I really, like REALLY, get to see him shine is when we're camping and its night time and we sit by the campfire and he just has a blast chatting with the adults.   I adore how he can hold a conversation, try to catch sarcasm and when picked on he tries to give it back with this cool swagger.  I pray that this part of him becomes the biggest part of him that others see.   That all of the hard things that I see at home are just what he saves for home.   Like, fighting with his brother.  OH MY WORD its never-ending.   I know people say "Siblings fight" but I don't find it acceptable.   I don't want my kids growing up hating each other, and I don't know how to further encourage them to love each other more.  Its like Porter has this horrible disdain for Hudson.   We constantly ask him to check himself when he does or says something to Hudson "Would you do that to (your best friend)"  "No"  "Ok then don't do it to your brother".   I'm about to the point of not letting them have a social life outside of school so that they HAVE to rely on each other as brothers and friends.  We went 3 weeks this summer without them being able to play with the neighbors and honestly, by the 2nd week they were getting along so well.  

And Hudson.... OH HUDSON.  3rd grade is going no better than 1st or 2nd grade.  The first week of school this year started with notes home of him not completing work.     He's working better now, but not all the time.  His teacher has begun having him write a note home every time he's "out of line" at school and sometimes my heart wants to cry for him when I read a note with something petty like "Used too much soap in the bathroom" and "ran in the hallway" "Threw his lunch box in the air at lunch"  He's 8 years old!  He's a kid!  And then he tells me he thinks he's the stupidest kid in class.   I'm torn between wanting to be a tiger mom and demanding that he do what everyone else in class is doing, and be like the other kids,  and wanting to be mama bear and demanding my child get accommodations because he doesn't seem to learn like other kids.  I feel he has anxiety about social situations, and I also feel there are sensory issues he has as well.   He's so intelligent, but struggles socially.   He doesn't have close friends at all.   I don't want to create this "millennial" child that has to be babied, but there are so many things that tell me a regular school setting isn't for him.   I don't know if that means homeschooling, but I know that every day he comes home and I have another note about him I feel so defeated.   What do I do?  Do I go into school and sit with him all day?   His teacher did meet with a team last week to discuss options for him, and we'll meet with her again on the 28th so I'm praying that they take this sensory/social/anxiety stuff into consideration.   I don't think he's being defiant on purpose.

Amelia.  OH this girl makes my heart melt.  I feel terrible because this is my last year home with her.  I don't want her to go to Kindergarten next year at all.   This girl is going to rock this world, that's for sure.  She is so spunky and full of life and I could talk with her all freaking day.   She's the one kid I halfway feel like I'm doing okay with, even though I feel like she's always begging me to play with her and I don't always have the time.   The other night I sat and watched her, Eloise and Hudson running through the house, laughing and chasing each other.  Lulu was trying so hard to keep up and was cracking herself up.  She copied Amelia saying "Go go!" And Amelia said "MOM!  She said GO!   I taught her something!  I love playing with my sissy!"   I pray she will always love her sissy.

Eloise.  My sweet baby.  She's growing up so fast and holy hell I adore the stage she is in right now. But so many days I feel like I pawn her off onto Ryan so I can get stuff done, and I know my time with her is so different than when say, the boys were her age and were the center of attention, or when Amelia was her age and the only toddler home while the boys were at preschool and school.  And Lulu, she just kind of gets what's left of me.  She loves her dada, she's a daddy's girl through and through but I won't lie because it kind of kills me a little that maybe she doesn't feel like I love her enough or spend enough time with her.   The days go by and sometimes I feel like she's just along for the ride.  With 3 older siblings, she kind of is.   I don't feel like I get to really sit and enjoy her like I did the other kids.   And there are nights Ryan puts her to bed and I realize I never kissed her good night and then my heart breaks and I feel like I'm failing.

And US.  Ryan and I.   Oh my word I feel like we both fail over and over again at things I promise we'll do better.  Things I say I'm going to try to work at parenting-wise, things we try to keep each other in check with.   Our tempers.  Our quick jump to being hard on the kids or negative to them about their behavior.   Every night I think to myself "Tomorrow I'll do better.  Tomorrow I'll remember they're little, I'll remember that we're shaping the way they think about themselves.  Tomorrow I'll remember to treat them like they're the smartest and most special child on earth."  And then tomorrow happens and life happens and life is chaos and one on one time isn't spent, and siblings fight and arguments over homework happen and tempers get lost and I feel like it all goes down the drain.

All this GUILT!  All this parenting guilt.   Please tell me that they'll turn out okay.   Please tell me I'm not the only one that feels all of this FAILURE.   Please tell me that there might be more bad days than good but in the end they aren't going to end up in prison or hating their parents or having horrible views of themselves?  

*deep breath*

It will all be okay, right?  

fall conferences

Talk about a blow to parental confidence.  The kids had their first parent teacher conferences and I walked away feeling like inadequate parents.  

Porters conference was both the most surprising yet the easiest to process.  Porter has always been a mostly A student, top of the class in reading and in math.  Imagine my surprise when we meet with his teacher (whom I really like and feel is an amazing teacher) that he's "below grade level" in reading.  Whaaat?  This kid loves to read.  He has his nose in a book nearly every evening at bedtime.  In the past, he’s always been above grade level.  Comprehension/retelling was what he said kept his score down, which is understandable.  I know many factors can play into this, so it doesn’t worry me TOO much.  I feel like we need to step up our game immensely, though.   Socially, he said he seemed to have a setback in the beginning of the year- the kids he started to hang out with (mostly based on where he was seated in the classroom), were not making very good choices and he said, credit to Porter, he decided not to hang out with those two boys and kind of had to start over.  YAY! We are making progress on that front!!  Every year up until now I felt like he’d always gravitated toward “naughty” kids in class.   FINALLY!   He has been hanging out with a boy and his twin brother and a friend of theirs that he met during football.  His teacher said they’re good kids.  We’ve met their parents and spent a few minutes at their house on Halloween when we Trick or Treated in their neighborhood.  I’m feeling good about the “friend” issue this year.  

Hudson's conference was not unexpected, but made me feel so helpless as a parent.  Smaller issues were… messiness (he’s SO messy and disorganized), fiddling with little things, handwriting, spelling.  Across the board, attention and focus and lack of work completion was an issue.  This isn't new to us, and he has struggled with this the past 2 years. She said she knows he’s very intelligent- he has great ideas and he’s very imaginative.  He just doesn’t focus and can’t apply himself.   We discussed him being a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to some things (obvs. not his organization HAHA!  His room is not neat!).  He shuts down if he feels like he can’t do something the right way, or perfectly. She said she hates taking away recess to have him do his work because she feels he needs that social time.  We made a plan to have her send his work home, because we want to know when he’s refusing to do work, and we also think that will be a motivator for him to do it in class.  He knows there will be consequences at home if he doesn’t do his work in school.  I really love his teacher- she has all sorts of “seating” for the kids.  Some kids use a chair.  Some are on a balance board.  Some are on these “t” shaped board things that they can sway on while sitting.  Some are on a yoga ball.  Some just stand.  She said that she’s tried other seating tools and he does best standing.  She said that day in particular he did use a chair and she noticed it was not a very productive work day for him, so she’ll encourage him to stand as he seems to focus a little more when he stands.  This year, however, I feel is a make or break point, especially when it comes to writing.  I didn't realize it was at this point, but his teacher wants us to look into other options to help with his focus.  She mentioned speaking to his pediatrician.  Reading online. Looking at his diet. She welcomed him using essential oils if we felt that may help.  She was fully supportive of anything we wanted to try.   We’re going to try oils for awhile and hopefully will find a combination that works well for him.  I’m so worried… so frustrated… I feel so helpless.   We see his lack of focus at home all the time.  It takes him FOREVER just to get his pajamas on and brush his teeth because he ends up distracted by multiple things.   

On a better note, we went to Amelia’s conference that morning…. and turns out we were 2 weeks early.  So, yeah.  Winning on that one.   Luckily she’s doing great- socially well rounded, very independent (HAHA!), and very in tune with others’ feelings (she mentioned one little boy wanted to play dinosaurs on the playground and kind of scared the other girls, who just didn’t want to be chased by a dinosaur.  He kind of started sulking and was sad, and Amelia went over to him and said “Hey, here’s a ball to play with!  I’ll play with you!”)  So sweet.  :)   

day by day

For the most part, we've settled into our home and it feels pretty good.   Most days, it does.  Most days it feels like we're in our own little corner of paradise.  We are secluded from the hustle and bustle, the kids have acres and acres to play on, we have a spacious home where we are no longer crawling on top of each other (except when everyone and the dogs want to be in the kitchen at the same time!), and the community is welcoming, friendly and has such a great, happy small town feel.  We're close to bigger cities... just 15-20 minutes from numerous cities with great shopping.

Other days just feel... off.  Other days it feels like a big mistake.  It feels isolated and foreign and unfamiliar and messy.  The "other days" are easy enough for ME to handle.  I know that we've landed in this spot for a reason.  I know we felt the need to move, to pick this place- this house- this town- for a reason. I know this is part of our journey and His plan.  But when the kids are feeling the "other days", it makes it so hard as a parent. 

Hudson has had the hardest time adjusting, and this doesn't surprise me.  I spoke with his teacher before school started and voiced my concerns.   He's quirky.  He doesn't play "typical" boy games like most of the boys did at his old school.  He sometimes has a hard time recognizing personal space. He can be obnoxious and not read social cues when people are all " You're being obnoxious, get out of my face... I'm over you".   He is immature for his age.  Even moreso being a boy.   My heart ached for him starting school.  I prayed the other kids would be accepting and find the good in him and realize his silly, sweet personality and heart were worth getting to know- quirks and all.   I was also terrified about his school work- he tends to want to do everything PERFECT and it paralyzes him into not doing ANYTHING at all.  He can be stubborn and refuse to do his work (Writing especially... he can sit for EVER saying he's thinking about what to write nad never get anything down on paper.)

As I've always done with the boys since they started school, I asked them each day who they played with at recess, and who they ate lunch with.  The first day of school I was so excited to know Hudson made a new friend right off the bat- Luke.  After a few days, it appeared he was no longer playing with Luke "because he wants to play cops and robbers and I want to play house!"  There were days he could name a few kids he played with, and there were days he said "I don't know...." hesitantly, only to finally admit he played alone.  My heart broke.  We discussed compromising and trying to play something the other kids wanted to play, but he was set on playing "house" or "wild baby animals".   He didn't want to play cops and robbers, or puppies and dogcatchers, or dinosaurs with the other kids.  We discussed that it was his choice- he had to decide if he would rather compromise and have friends to play with, or play alone and play what he wanted to play. 

The first week of school he brought home a paper that was incomplete (nothing even started on it) and a note stating that he refused to do any writing.  Another paper had a sentence on it with a note stating he completed with SIGNIFICANT help from the classroom aide.   I started having him write after school... I printed random, silly pictures off google and had him write 5 sentences about the pictures.  

I emailed his teacher last week and asked how he was doing- how school work was going and how he was doing socially.  She told me she was seeing the same things... that her class was full of great pretenders and the kids loved pretending, but Hudson wasn't wanting to try playing what everyone else was playing.   She recommended having him see the school counselor who can informally help him meet friends with a "friendship group".    She also said work completion was difficult- she could tell he was very bright but has a difficult time demonstrating it.

On Friday, I spoke with his teacher at the homecoming parade and she said that since we'd emailed, he seemed to have done a 180.   She had moved him next to Luke, and they seemed to be motivating each other to do their work.  He also had made a couple new friends that she noticed him playing with (He did tell me one day "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow... I have a new friend named Grace!"). 

Porter seemed, to me, to be taking everything in stride.  He made friends at football, and he always said he'd played some game or another with kids at recess.  He's enthusiastic to complete his homework as soon as he gets home.  When we went to the homecoming football game, he was greeted by a group of kids who ran up to him to have him go off and run around with them.  He seemed like he was doing fine. 

Tonight, however, he broke down.  All day he has been rotten to his brother and I had had enough.  I sent him to his room and went upstairs to let him know how I felt about his behavior... that he was being a bully, that the way he treated his brother was not how he would ever think of treating a friend or classmate, that I wasn't going to allow one of my kids to be a bully and that he was not going to be playing with friends until he could learn to be kind to his brother.  He started bawling.  And sobbing. We hugged and I let him calm down and asked him what he was feeling... he said he felt invisible. He said he had no friends.  He felt invisible at home and at school and that he's felt like he didn't fit in ever since 1st grade.  I asked about the boys he played with at the game and it seems like they're friendly, but this boy already has "good friends" that he's obviously been friends with for years.  I realized... maybe this isn't as easy for him as I thought.  Yeah... he isn't going to be able to jump into class and be good friends with anyone right away, and that can make you feel invisible and like such an outsider.  It takes time to build up those relationships and get to know someone well.  I explained to him that I felt very much the same... that I don't have any friends here and there isn't a school for moms to go meet other mom friends.  I let him know I understand how he feels and that the change is going to be hard for awhile until we let people get to know us.  

 So... day by day... day by day.   I know there will be good days and bad days.   I'm trying to roll with the punches here but some days I am afraid we made a wrong choice.  Most days I know we didn't... most days I know I won't regret this.  Most days I know we've opened up our kids to many more opportunities here.  But some days... some days I hate the messiness of this transition.  I hate the heartache my babies feel as they adjust.  I hate the behaviors and attitudes it brings out in all of us as we try to internalize our fears and worries and sadness and loneliness.   I look forward to the day where we feel like this is 100% home... where we belong... where we feel welcome and comfortable and familiar.

Day by day... day by day.

where is the insecurity coming from?

Please don't think my blog is going to become this place of hashing out mommy war issues.... I totally hate that this is on my mind and that I'm yet again blogging about this.  But... we are in the car and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading (UGH) and the kids are quiet so my mind is racing and thinking of all sorts of things.

This will probably all be so boggled.  I hope it makes sense.  I started to think about this whole "breast vs bottle" war (which IMO isn't really a war just a mommy issue thing and I think really just stems from insecurity or a sense of being shamed by others that do differently) that seems to be so prevalent the past few years online.  

Let me start out by sharing about my friends and group of friends I associate with.   I would say a good 90% of my friends breastfeed.   And they have never, ever made me feel insecure about my choices to feed my children.  I'm super super blessed (why should I even have to say that... as if people should ever have friends that aren't supportive???) to have non-judgemental friends even though they choose a different route of feeding their babies.   And I have never judged them (or at least I hope they never feel I have!) because I support however works best for them.  I know that insecurity is not coming from my group of friends.   And, knowing that most of my friends do breastfeed, I hear their insecurities about breastfeeding in public (ie... their cries to normalize breastfeeding), which I think is crazy that anyone should care how a person is feeding their child in public or in private.... as long as that baby is being fed.

This all made me start to think... WHERE is this insecurity coming from?   Why are we mothers, who are all doing what works best for our families and our babies, feeling so insecure and "shamed" by our choices?   If it isn't coming from our core social circle (which, in my case, is mingled with nursing and formula feeding moms), WHERE are we feeling it from?  And WHY?

I wanted to ask my readers that.   Leave me a comment.  No judgment from me nor anyone else reading.   Did you feel insecure about how you chose to feed your baby?  Do you feel the need to defend your choices?

Did you feel shamed for nursing/nursing in public?  Who, or what, made you feel most insecure?  

Did you feel shamed for choosing to formula feed?  Who, or what, made you feel most insecure about that?

Recently there was an article about a sports stadium creating a "baby nursing room" for nursing mothers.   My first thought "Cool!"  My second thought "I wonder if it is only for nursing moms, or if bottle feeding moms can use it too?"   WHY did my mind race there?  Why was I feeling like it was something that any mother feeding her child couldn't utilize?    THEN I read the comments.   I expected to find moms saying "YAY!  Awesome!  A comfy place for us to nurse if we have a distracted baby and don't want to nurse in our seats or feel like we are shunned to the bathrooms (EWW)"   I saw comments like "Why should we be confined to a room to feed our babies?" and "Why can't we feed our babies at our seats like bottle feeding moms?"  WHERE did this come from?  WHY were mothers feeling defensive about something created for them to use, for their comfort?  Who was making them feel like they couldn't feed their child in the stadium seat?  (And another question... damn I would so not even want to take a baby to a game HAHAH!)

I'm just so curious as to where it is coming from.   In my experience, it is not my social circle.  It isn't my family.   I feel a lot of insecurity and shame coming from my doctor, as well as the media and people who don't know me and feel the need to question why I formula feed.

Let me explain further.... With my first child I wanted desperately to breastfeed and had no intentions of formula feeding. Part of it was a financial thing, and part of it was that my husband has stomach issues and I assumed if I fed Porter what was "natural" he'd have a safer bet of not genetically getting those tummy issues (he doesn't have tummy issues FYI).   BF'ing didn't work out and I had about a week of awful sadness that I had to formula feed.  And then I got over it and never really thought about it again.  I never felt insecure to take out a bottle in public. Ever.  

With Hudson, pretty much the same.... I decided during my pregnancy I'd formula feed.  I wavered back and forth but ultimately I felt like bottle feeding worked out great for us and I was comfortable with it and that's what we did.  Porter was smart, healthy and loved me and so would my 2nd child.  I think I briefly remember being asked in the hospital what I was planning on doing and there was never any "grilling" about it.  They asked, I told them, they brought me formula.

With Amelia... I think "times" had been changing.  I was noticing more online about "baby friendly hospitals" (as if feeding your child formula was not baby friendly?) and I didn't feel pressure from the doctor or at the hospital to nurse (because again, I'd decided to bottle feed before I had her). However, after she came home from the hospital I had numerous people (not super close to me or anyone who knew my reasons to bottle feed) ask me if I was nursing... or why I wasn't.   It kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, it really took me by surprise.   Why was it their business?  And why were people asking?  I'd never experienced that before.   And thus, I kind of became a bit insecure about my choices, even though I knew without a doubt my children would grow and develop and be happy and healthy and bonded and brilliant regardless of if they nursed from me.

Baby #4... well, I'm feeling the pressure/judgement even more.   The more I see in the media about breastfeeding and how breastfed babies are smarter, healthier and more bonded to their parents, the more insecure I feel about my choices even though I KNOW and have living proof that my formula fed children are smart, healthy and bonded to both myself and my husband.

It seems like in the past 3 years or so it has become so prevalent to pit breastfeeding against formula feeding and in social media everyone comes out and chants for their "side" which I feel makes everyone feel insecure.  I've never felt breastfeeding wasn't normal. I've never felt formula feeding wasn't normal. Until the past few years, I always viewed them as a NORMAL way to feed your child. Whatever works for you, your baby and as long as your baby is happy, healthy and growing why should it matter??

WHEW.  Anyhow.  I'd love to hear from you.   No judgement at all.   I want to know where your insecurites come from.   Is it the media?  Your doctor?  Local businesses?  Places that have nursing stations/rooms?  Places that don't?    Your friends?

kickin' it old school parenting

It's been awhile since I've vented about my children driving me to want to drink.  Actually... I am pretty sure the last time they drove me to drink I ended up knocked up..... errrr.   Its been awhile since I've vented about the boys because well... maybe I've just become desensitized to the embarrassing parenting moments.  Or maybe because they're both in school.  Or maybe because it isn't summer.  Oh summer... I know there will be some doozies then.

It's not a secret that my boys are a bit... strong willed.   At least that's what I'd assume you'd call them.  Maybe I suck as a parent.  That's probably more like it.  At this point I'm not quite sure.  We'll say its both.  Because for some reason my kids can toe any line like it's their job.   Tell them not to do something and they find some bass-ackward way to do it without actually going against the very thing I told them not to do.   I've dreaded school and babysitters because they need someone who is firm and will put their foot down and not let my kids walk all over them (ie... those sweet, doe eyed teenage babysitters who just want to be their friend... uhm.... doesn't work).   Luckily, my boys are pretty good in school... minus Hudson's first 2 months where he tried to get away with being stubborn but his teacher out-stubborned him.  I knew she was awesome. I'm also buying her a fifth of somethin' somethin' at the end of the year because lord knows I'd need it after a year of working with him HAHA!

The boys take an art class every Thursday night.  This is their 2nd semester.  The teacher is a young, quiet, sweet college girl.   Enter... recipe for disaster.   First semester we had a few issues with Hudson being a snot and not listening (ie... he thought it was a joke when he was goofing off and was told to stop).   2nd semester they had a sub for a few weeks.  She was a "mom age" and I could tell had a much more "doesn't take any crap" personality and the boys were great for her.  No issues. Well, young, sweet, college girl teacher has been back teaching for awhile.  Tonight both of my boys decided to royally embarrass me with their rottenness.

First, Miss Sweetie Pie brings Porter out of class to me.  She explains that he didn't want to draw and wanted to read his book, so she told him he'd need to leave class.   I thought this was it.  I looked at him and said "So what your'e saying is I'm paying for your art class and you'd rather read?"  Then she explains further... that he was being rude when she asked him to put his book away and had an attitude when she told him he needed to leave class.   I'm pretty sure steam started to pour out my ears.  I apologized to her and took his book away (WTF talk about irony... sorry kid I don't want you to read!).   I told him to sit down and had him write her an apology.   I was fuming.    

After class, we went to get Hudson and Porter took his letter to Miss Sweetie Pie.  Then Hudson decided to start talking like a baby and saying "I'm a WOMAN!"  loud while all the parents are in the class checking out the art work from the evening.  I asked him to stop and he continued to baby talk and say weird, awkward things.  (Porter did explain to me that last week all the boys had sat at one side of the table and the girls at the other... and Hudson was on the girls side so they were joking with him that he was a girl or a woman).  My brain was screaming >>holy shit my kids are being so awkward and rude and weird tonight let me go crawl into a hole and die wtf is wrong with them I swear they're normal!<<  After asking him to stop numerous times more I finally just growled at them both to go get their coats and get to the truck. NOW.  

Ryan was not happy when I told him Porter was kicked out of class.  H
e immediately started pacing the house looking for something.   A notebook.  And a pencil.  He wrote down "I will not be disrespectful" and told Porter he was to sit and write it 100 times. Ouch.    Then he realized Hudson had been rude too, so he told him to write 50 times (because he was just not listening... Porter had been disrespectful to his teacher).  Then Hudson earned 10 more sentences TWICE for throwing a fit about not being able to use a pen and something else.

AUGHGHGHGH!!

Porter got his sentences done.  Hudson... got to 17.  He can not focus.  He sits and whines.  We told him he could do them during recess tomorrow if he doesn't finish and still he sat and whined and dinked around with his pencil and anything else he could occupy his time with. Soooo... he'll be writing tomorrow at school.   And probably in the truck on the way to the beach tomorrow night.

I swear.  I swear.   I'm at the end of my rope with consequences.  They've had privileges taken away.  They've lost technology. They've lost time with friends.  I don't know what else to do.  So... I guess we go old school and write sentences.   Lord help me.

why do i need an excuse?

Well this is crazy that this quote/blog post popped up in my feed this morning. I literally just got back from my 28 week appt with baby #4 and my doc (a male) asked me if I plan to nurse or bottle feed. I told him bottle feed (I formula feed by choice. My breasts get ginormous during pregnancy and even worse when my milk comes in and I just can't stand the back pain... and I just want my body back. Selfish? Sure. But it's my body).

He gave me a nice lecture about how they recommend breast feeding and how it passes on antibodies to the baby and increases bonding yadda yadda yadda... I sat there nodding my head, feeling like I was being scolded. If I'd had the balls (or brain cells to think of this quickly) I'd have cut him off and let him know I have 3 growing, happy, super healthy children who are very intelligent and bonded to their mother and I'm pretty damn sure I'm capable of deciding how to feed my 4th. And I probably would have/should have thrown in there "So you're saying your bond with your children is not so great because you obviously don't have boobs to feed them with". GRRARRR. 

Well what great timing to see this post in my feed this morning.  I could have written her exact feelings:


"I’m a stay at home mother. I have the “time.” My older two are in school five days a week. I’m white, college educated......I’m SUPPOSED to breastfeed.  And I don’t want to."

Believe me.  I've read allll the articles, blog posts, studies... touting how brilliantly smart breastfed babies are (a whopping 4 IQ points.  Woah.  Totally bet that'll get them into an Ivy League College on that credential alone!).  I know it passes on all sorts of goodness to the baby.  I hear the preaching about how amazingly bonded all these breastfed babies are with their mothers (as if formula fed babies are fed by a machine HA!). I'm not an idiot.   I'm informed.  And I still make my own choice.  

For the most part, I don't give a crap what anyone else thinks.  I don't feel guilty.   Do I wish I wanted to breastfeed?  Of course.  Do I wish I had the desire to suck up the pain, the backaches, the sore nipples, the inconvenience, the constant attachment... to experience nursing?  Absolutely.   But I know myself.  I know I'm a better mom because I choose to formula feed.   I NEED my body back.  I NEED my boobs back to a halfway normal size.  I enjoy the freedom that bottle feeding gives me, my husband and my kids.  There wouldn't BE any bonding between mother and baby because I'm pretty certain this mama would be committed for going crazy if I was forced to nurse.  

Since my last 3 appointments I've been questioned about wearing my seatbelt (yes, I do.... is this a thing.... Pregnant Women Boycotting Seatbelts??) I'm certain the nursing/bottle feeding question is going to come up again in the future.  And I'm prepared for the shaming at the hospital.  As with each of my kids' deliveries... the pressure/looks have gotten worse at the hospital when I tell them I have chosen to formula feed from the get-go.  With our hospital being a "Baby-Friendly Hospital", I'm pretty certain that this baby's delivery is going to be uuuber awkward with nurses.  Thank god this is my last.  I can't imagine in the coming years the lectures that will be pressured onto mothers for the choices they make.    I'm preparing myself with my defense statement and going to cut off the lecture at the get go.  My choice is made, and I don't need a lecture to tell me you disapprove.   Get over it :) 

my life is poop

Some mornings you just can't escape the reality that your life really is.... all about poop. 

It started off with a dream.  Yes.  I dreamt about poop.   Pregnancy does weird things to you.   I dreamt there was a turd in the toilet that I could not flush. (Someone... quick... analyze this dream!).  I tried and tried to flush it but.... there wasn't enough water pressure.  So, I looked in the tank of the toilet and realized the chain wasn't short enough and the stopper kept slowing down the flow.  I stuck my hand in the tank, pulled the chain up a few little "balls" (like those military dog tag chains that are ball necklaces) and then flushed and in my dream I saw a close up of the turd flushing down the toilet. SUCCESS!

I woke up (for the 5th time that morning... I can't get a decents night sleep anymore) to Ryan telling me Amelia had pooped in her pajamas and it was down her leg and on her floor... and she was trying her hardest to clean it up with baby wipes.  I got up and... cleaned up poop.

I put her in the bath because, really, that was the only solution to this mess.  Hudson wakes up and comes into the bathroom to..... poop.   He talks about his poop and asks if he's stinking up the bathroom. Yup.  Poop.

I make my way downstairs and find Ruby sniffing something on the living room floor.   She pooped in the early morning on the living room carpet.  I clean up poop.

I go back upstairs to brush my teeth and find the toilet filled with poop.  Hudson hasn't flushed. WHY CAN'T BOYS JUST FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN THEY ARE DONE?   I threaten to take a picture of it and tape it to his bedroom wall every time he leaves poop in the toilet because IF I HAVE TO SEE IT SO SHOULD HE.

And finally... I find myself cleaning the rabbit litter this morning.  More.  Stinkin.  Poop.  

What has my life become.   

Poop.  

brain dump

It's 3am and I found myself wide awake and my brain churning.  Thoughts running rampant, trying to sort out the feelings I have about Porter and school.   My mind is racing with what should I do, am I doing the right thing, am I overreacting, am I being ridiculous.   I need to write it out.  I need to list it all.

Right now, for various reasons, I'm considering homeschooling or sending my kids to private schools.  This is something I never... ever.... ever... thought I'd consider.   I'm a teacher by degree.  I've worked in public schools and I am far beyond a helicopter parent who wants to shelter my kids from any little harm they could get in this world.   However, I feel like things have compiled to make me consider other options.

My biggest concern is Porter.   Porter.... at school he's the friendliest, kindest, most loyal friend to others that I know.  He goes out of his way to shovel the neighbors driveways and sidewalks when it snows.  When the neighbors dog gets loose, he runs outside to get him and take him home.  He's helpful.  Kind.  Goodhearted.  Social.  In kindergarten, I remember going into school with him one day and he said hi to every adult that worked there that he passed.  Teachers from different grades, the gym teacher, aides.  He was Mr. Social.   He was- and is- friends to everyone.   He gives up his snack if someone in his class doesn't have one.  He goes out of his way to do nice things for them.  He risks his mothers wrath and stays with his friend on the playground after school because his mom is late and he doesn't want him to be alone.  However, his choices in friends kind of....sucks.  I don't know how to put this nicely.   He's a great student-- academically, socially, and behaviorally.  He doesn't get in trouble.  He follows rules.   But the kids he gravitates towards... do not.   This is isn't something new... I've had concerns since Kindergarten.   And, as he's gotten older and I've become more involved at the school, there are other issues that have been raising red flags to me.

-Kindergarten.... he talked all the time about a 1st grader "G" who always seemed to be in trouble, or making bad choices.
-The one child in his class, "M" that had all kinds of rotten behaviors- belching in my face one day while I was helping a little girl tie her shoes, talking rudely to adults etc- is one he started to gravitate towards.
-First grade- he continued sitting by "M" at lunch, and playing with him on the playground.   We had many many discussions about choosing friends, and who you decide to hang out with can affect how others view you, and you have to make good choices in friends or you may find yourself in trouble even if YOU weren't doing anything wrong.
-Second grade was when I really became concerned with SCHOOL, as well as friends.  1.  His class was a bit... disorganized.   I volunteered in his classroom one day a week, for the entire morning before lunch.   He had a student teacher for part of the year, which compounded the inconsistency in his classroom.  One child had an MP3 player in class.  There were tons of distractions- a handful of kids who were just... off the wall.  During writing assignments I couldn't help but feel like.... Porter can do better than what he's doing.  He isn't putting forth enough effort because there isn't structure here.  He's just "getting by".  He's capable of more.
-I ask the boys every day... "Who did you sit with at lunch, kiddo?   Who did you play with a recess?"  I want to know who my child is choosing to spend their time with.   The boy in his 2nd grade class, "T", that he gravitated toward as a friend this year, knew more things than a 2nd grader should know.  It broke my heart, but also.... I don't want MY child exposed or hearing some of these things.  His dad had been in prison.  He stole from Porter.  He talked back to the teacher. He refused to listen to the teacher.  He put forth zero effort in his work and just scribbled.  The teacher told me at the end of the year that "T" was acting up more because he didn't want school to end and to be at home.  I'd discussed with the teacher if he was someone I should encourage or discourage Porter to play with/continue to be friends with.  He said Porter would be good for "T" but never let Porter go to his house.  My heart ached for this child but.... as a parent of my own child I have to protect MY child.   I felt like Porter was always going to have these friends he chose that I didn't allow him to hang out with outside of school.  And, as he gets older.... its going to get harder to discourage these friendships as peer pressure rises.
-2nd grade, a boy was talking to Porter about SEX.   He came home and asked what it was.  What the actual hell.  SECOND GRADE!
-Last year I had to stop the boys from riding the bus to and from school because the things I heard them say the 6th graders were talking about on the bus were so inappropriate.   Cussing, sexual words, threats to each other (not the boys, but other kids on the bus) etc.
-3rd grade, I went on a field trip and in my group there were 4 kids.  A little boy and girl who were super sweet, Porter and another boy "D" who was a wild child.... as in, teacher having to ask him repeatedly to do things, him refusing to listen to the teacher, throwing a tantrum, etc.  Who does Porter talk about playing with? THIS child!
-On the bus home from the field trip, I overheard another boy, "G", who was sitting in teh seat across the aisle from us say multiple totally inappropriate things. Mentioning something about "Condom candy" to the boy he was sitting with.  Joking about his friend (the boy he was sitting with) "licking his penis and liking it HAHAHA"  I was so appalled.  I said something to him numerous times and then the teacher did end up taking him to the front of the bus (along with "D" who was getting in trouble on the bus too).
-The girls in front of us on the bus had her mom's iPod and were looking at half naked black and white model pictures of men on it and giggling. THIRD GRADE!  I'm sorry... but 1, why are you keeping sexual pictures of men on your phone (celebrities and the like.... you know, like you see some people Pin on Pinterest as "eye candy") and giving it to your child to take to school???
-Hudson rides the bus from his school to Porter's after school so I can pick them up in one location.  Hudson told me one day a boy on the buss called him a "Mother F@$#er"
-Porter- 3rd grade- goes out to recess with 6th graders. Doesn't this seem like a bit of an age gap to be playing unsupervised??  4th and 5th graders are together for recess.
-Porter told me he was threatened during "Fun Friday recess" (an extra recess) by a 4th grader.   He was talking to his friend and this kid butted in, and Porter told him not to be rude and the boy told him "You'd better not talk to me or you'll be lying on the ground with a bloody nose/mouth (something like that)"

AUGH!  As you can see.... its not just one incident.  And honestly, I can handle bullying/mean kids.  I can handle that.  And my kids are no strangers to swear words... I'm not mother of the year by any means.  But our society put so much sexualization in EVERYTHING and I'm starting to see the trickle down effect... its not just parents who let their little girls dress like mini teenagers... its the sexual things kids know about, hear about, think about.... and it grosses me out.   I want my children to be CHILDREN for as long as they can be.  I don't want to have to explain to my 3rd grader what a condom is.  I don't want my 3rd grader oogling over sexual pictures of the opposite sex.  And, I don't feel this way so much about HUDSON'S experience at school... he's in 1st grade right now and I haven't had one concern about friends/kids in his class etc.  He plays with 2 little girls most often, and they take stuffed animals to school and play with them on the playground.  I haven't had any red flags with him- yet- other than the kid on the bus calling him a MF'er.

The hard thing is.... I don't dislike the school or school district.  I have no problem with the teachers or the curriculum.  I have FRIENDS who send their children there who have totally different experiences and who love it there.   I KNOW there are great kids that go to the school because I know their parents.  I want more than anything to LOVE where I send my kids to school.  I WANT to send them off to public school and feel they're safe and learning about age-appropriate things and not having access to the minds of children who have been corrupted by their parents/home environment.  I know private school isn't going to shelter them from all of this either.  There will be naughty kids there.  I know homeschool won't hide them from the horrors of the world forever, and to be honest it could totally trash our parent/child relationship because I honestly don't feel like I'm cut out for it.

I don't know what the solution is right now.  I do know I've had this nagging feeling for the past year that this isn't working.  I don't know what to do, or where to go.   I could discuss all these concerns with the principal but honestly.... are they going to follow my child around and make sure he's not hearing inappropriate conversations at school on the playground?  No.  Is it going to change how other parents are parenting their kids at home?  No.  Is it going to change Porter's choice in friends he plays with during free time?  No. Its all things that CAN'T be controlled that are the problem.

torn

I have this daydream often that we live on a farm with chickens and goats and horses and I homeschool and the kids and I laugh all day and everything we do is filled with learning and wonder and excitement.  I know it's a fantasy.  It's not reality, or mine at least.  This is the highlight reel plastered on blogs and Instagram accounts.  

But what keeps resonating with me is this pull to homeschool them.  I really felt the urge beginning last fall, when Porter was in 2nd grade.  His class was disorganized and chaotic.  Luckily he's a good student and learns quickly, but every time I volunteered I couldn't help but think.... We could do this writing in half the time and I know porter can do a better job than he's doing!  And the friends.... He's a good kid but he is constantly drawn toward the naughty kids of the class.  He thrives on their exciting, rebellious behavior and constantly befriends them.  He knows their behavior is wrong.  He doesn't cross the line at school but he does come home with some behaviors and knowledge about things that we don't discuss or allow at home. We live in a bit of a transient community, but there are some great families and great boys in his grade that he could be friends with.  However, there is never more than 1 or 2 of these good kids in his class.

Last year I had the boys stop riding the school bus because of some of the things they told me were being said/talked about on the bus by 6th graders.  This year I was just appalled at some of the language and things spoken about by one of the boys in his class.  

And the more I really analyze schools-from teaching to volunteering positions- I realize how much time is "wasted" and not actually educational.  They're there for 7 hours a day.  So much of that time is spent transitioning 25+ kids from one lesson to the next, or getting everyone to follow directions or quiet down.   My kids are spending 7 hours a day with kids that I can't control what they learn from home or say at school and I'm not there to mediate.  They could be learning the same amount in less than half the time at home.  

I keep feeling like I'm being pulled to homeschool but the thing is.... I feel like the worst mother ever as it is.  My patience is shot by the evening.  I feel like my plate is so full as it is.  Truth be told, most days I look forward to dropping the boys off at school and having the day free from chaos and fighting.  I know that if I tried homeschooling it would be a bust.  I would suck not only as their teacher but as their mother as well.  Not to mention working from home on top of that.  I don't know how I could possibly balance it all. 

It kills me that I don't have the attitude of loving to be around my kids all the time.  It kills me that, I'll be honest, Porter's challenging personality exhausts me on a daily basis and that some days it is all I can do to even like him.  

I headed to bed with worries heavy on my shoulders.  I'm not sure what the right choice is for us.  Do I attempt to homeschool and really get my life in gear and organized to the minute and planned and productive?  Do I switch schools?  Do I look into private schools?  Do I hire someone to homeschool for me?  

I passed porters room on the way to bed and paused to watch him sleep.  I used to do this every night when he was little.  I love him with all my heart.  There are many days I don't like him (and many days I don't even like myself because of my lack of ability to deal with his personality) but I always love him.  I want to shelter him from the bad things in this world.  I worry about his choices.  I worry about the path he will take in life.  I just want the best for him. For all our kids.  Right now I just don't know what exactly IS the best.  

back in the groove

Now that school is back in session, I feel like we're settling into a more "normal" groove.  Lots of things still going on, but it feels more manageable.  It has been a crazy, busy month (football has taken over for realz... gah!) and I so need to go back and pull out some pictures and blog about them. Lots of firsts for these kiddos!

• Porter is playing tackle football.  I'm not thrilled they start so young (3rd grade) but he really likes it.  He gets braver and more confident with each practices (says Ryan... because I stay home with Amelia..... she's a wild beast at practice, trying to jump on the mats with all the big kids).   As much as I complain about practice time and the busy-ness, I love watching him play. 
• Hudson is taking an art class- painting!  We signed him up for flag football but he refused to even attempt to participate so we aren't going to push it with him.  He's total opposite of Porter and I honestly don't see him in physical sports, but we'll see.  He was SO excited about the painting class!   
• Amelia started dance class... Creative Movement.  She's super excited to go, and oh my gawwwww kill me with cuteness!  Can I tell you how long I've waited to have a little girl to wear a cute little leotard and piggies?  GAWWW!  She went into class without looking back, and when she came out she was ALL smiles, saying "I went a dance class!  I got a sticker!"
• I haven't been out to ride Lacey as much as I've wanted to.  Once a week has been my average... which is phoooey.  But, it is what it is.  I finally ventured out into the trails/fields behind the barn and can't believe its taken me that long to go check it out.  Perfect riding areas!  I only wish we had another horse so I could have someone come along and ride with me.  It gets kind of boring riding alone. 
• Amelia and I are headed to South Carolina next week for a girls-only weekend.  Well, it was supposed to be kid-free but I had literally NO ONE to watch her so I'm taking her along.  It'll be my grandma, mom, aunt, cousin, me and Amelia.  We're going to Edisto Island.  I can't wait. 4 full days of relaxing at the ocean. Heaven. 

Question for you readers.... we recently had an incident where I realized I REALLY needed to have parental security on our computer/internet for the kids.  So, our internet is pretty much locked down.  It has really opened my eyes to the age Porter is at, as well as how many things our kids are exposed to at such young ages.   Today Porter recognized this funny mom-parody ("All I need is Space") as the tune to "All about the bass".  I asked where he heard that song and he said he heard it at school.  So and so was on YouTube on the iPad.   (they have classroom iPads).  Kids at his school are also allowed to have iPods out on the playground.   Is it just me or..... does this seem inappropriate?  I mean, some of the "popular" music is soooo inappropriate for younger kids, and I'm sure half the parents don't listen to what the lyrics are saying.  We're really trying to watch what the boys are exposed to, and I'm just feeling uncomfortable with young kids having unmonitored access to YouTube and use of personal iPods with unmonitored materials on it.  What do you think?  

it doesn't have to be taboo

Have you seen the article about the Duggar kids floating around... The one talking about how they announced their pregnancy before the standard 12 weeks, and that they chose to do so because they would acknowledge their baby if they did miscarry?  This kind of hit home with me, and made me feel guilty.  

See, right after I came home from Silver retreat I found out I was pregnant.  Yes.  Pregnant.  #4.  Huge surprise and not planned.  At.  All.  I spent a good week feeling awful.... Thinking about the things that a 4th child would screw up.  Like drinking wine in France, or vacationing as a family in one hotel room or only having 3 cubby baskets in my foyer.   And then I started to realize how great it would be... One more child to love (or drive me crazy), one more chance to savor those little baby moments, one more gummy faced smile, one more first step.  I got excited about watching our 3 kiddos with a new baby, and seeing Porter and Hudson dote on another little baby.  I started to get excited.  

We have never really announced our pregnancies until I think close to 10 weeks.  Usually after we get a chance to have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat.  Before we left for France we told a few family members, and I'd told a couple close friends. But while we were in France, Ryan talked freely about it.  My getting knocked up was kind of the butt of our jokes because, well, it's kind of funny when your friend asks if you have a tampon bc they need one in the middle of a castle tour and you're like "Hello, me? Did you forget I got knocked up?"  

We got home from France and I was looking forward to LeeAnn scanning me and hopefully becoming "Facebook official" as I was close to 9 weeks along.  

And then I miscarried.  And it kind of became this taboo, awkward thing.  Thank GOD I was home when this began because it was a painful few days, physically and emotionally.  I wanted to hole up in my room for the week and just be done with it.  It was an awful last week of summer.  I felt like I was in labor for half of the week and unable to do anything productive with the kids.  I was grumpy and sad and nonexistent as a mother.  I felt like a failure.  I let a few people know what happened but all the "acquaintances" that had been told?  What do you do then?  Ugh.  And then this article came out.  And I realized.... This doesn't have to be a big secret.  This happened.  This baby had a heartbeat and little arms that moved and it shouldn't be taboo.   It's part of our story.  I can write about it.  And document this as part of our life.
I am no stranger to miscarriage.  Before we had Porter I miscarried very early- at 5 weeks.  It was awful-  when the only thing you want is a baby and you lose a pregnancy you're so excited about and you don't have other children to keep you preoccupied and all you can think about is the waiting and wishing and hoping.  This miscarriage hasn't been as emotionally difficult- it was unexpected, both the pregnancy and the miscarriage, but I do feel sad when I realize I should be 12 weeks along now, and that other friends are announcing pregnancies and I would have been pregnant with them. 

I'm not sure where we will go from here. We hadn't planned on a 4th child but now that we welcomed the idea I feel like it feels right.  But then I worry that maybe the miscarriage was a sign that we aren't supposed to have a 4th.  That we don't need anymore craziness in our lives (who does?).  And, well, we all know the Ry and I never produce any calm, complacent, docile children so surely a 4th would be another wild, strong willed, independent kiddo.  I guess time will tell, and we'll have to see what direction prayers and fate point us in.  But for now, I rest easy knowing I don't have to feel like this is/was something to hide.  Thank you, Duggars, for opening my eyes.  

just.... enjoy.

I tend to push myself too much, and am guilty of not setting aside quality time to just decompress... to relax, let loose, have fun and ENJOY THE DAY.   This summer..... its almost over and I feel like I haven't been allowed to do things that *I* want to do.  Things for myself.   Things with the kids.   And it's silly... because I can do anything I want, but I have this thought in my mind that I have to be productively working, or at least feeling like I'm working, or else I'm slacking.  So, I've spent a lot of my summer working my butt off.  Sure, it pays off.  It pays off WELL.  But.... I also know I need to cherish these days because babies don't keep.

Carly and Kinsley came over today and while we sat on the deck just watching the kids play (well.... I was regulating the boys b/c of course Porter always seems to make issues out of everything) and chatted about business and kids and life in general, I realized... I need to schedule time like this.  I NEEEEEED to make time for things like this.  To push work aside and just enjoy the day, enjoy the company, enjoy the kids.  

I hope that I keep this in mind, that I'll never regret the time spent with the kids or the time spent with friends.   I'll never look back on life and think "Oh, I wish I would have worked more".  No.   I need to keep perspective.  Today brought me that.  Thank you.  

lazy days of summer is a lie

If you're on Facebook, or a blogger, or even on Pinterest.... you'll recognize the posts I'm about to mention.  I hop on Pinterest and I see millions of posts about Summer Bucket Lists and fun summer activities and crafts and places to go.  I have a Summer Fun board and the past 2 years I've created our own Summer Bucket List of some sort to keep our days full.  I crave the busy, the full days, the crammed in activities and outings.  And then, on the other hand, you will come across posts talking about "screw the lists" let's let our kids have a summer like we had when we were kids in 1975... let them run rampant through the neighborhood and not \\\\\\\\\\\\\\see them until dinner.  Let's do nothing all day but relax and enjoy each other.  Forget bucket lists... forget millions of fun, planned activities.

I envy those people who are able to do that because in all honesty, I think the lazy days of summer is a big fat lie.

What brought me to think about this, you ask?  Well.  This morning I woke up and knew I had to get the kids out of the house or I'd lose my mind.  I had already decided I'd take them to my grandma's pool so that's what we did... by 9:30 we were on the road, hit up the grocery store for snacks, drinks and lunchables, and swam until around 12:30.  You'd think this was a relaxing type of morning... right?

Wrong.  

These are my children we're talking about.   The entire time they were at the pool- my boys, my 9 year old niece and Amelia, I heard my name called less than 387 times and I had to get after Porter about 436 times.  They begged me to get in.  I got in.  Then they (mainly my kids) only shouted after me to watch this or help me do this or look at this or this person is doing this!!   Oh. My. WORD.   So 12:30 rolls around and I'm exhausted.  

We get home and I send everyone upstairs- nap for Amelia and reading time for the boys.  An hour passes (as well as 5 or 6 interruptions from the boys asking when they can come down... holy mother eff.... can I get ONE HOUR??) and not long after, Amelia is up. We watch a little tv to wake up and then head outside.  Take out pizza, the neighbor kiddo Eian, the hose and kiddie pools for the evening line up.

You'd think this would entertain them, right?

Wrong.

These are my children you're talking about.  Stops quirting your brother.  Share the slide.  Don't push. Don't hit.  Stop bugging him.  Leave her alone.  Stop screaming so loud.  Hudson leave the hose on the jet setting when you're shooting at their targets.  Porter stop whining about your pool floatie.  And the list goes onnnnn and onnnn and onnnn.

7pm we finally had to send Eian home because Hudson decided to start emptying the pool out and didn't stop when I asked him to.  In the house, shower and bath time now.   It's going to be an early bedtime.

Now... we had a full day.  I'd love to wake up tomorrow morning and just lay around the house... let the kids play and read a little, organize a few things etc...  But no.  That sounds amazing in theory but do you know how much fighting and whining would be included in that scenario?   I think tomorrow we're headed to the zoo.  Then maybe back to the pool Weds or Thursday and on Friday we're going to an Adventure Park to do an obstacle course in the trees type deal.   I'm exhausted just thinking about the week, but I know if we just sit at home it'll be nothing more than me screaming at kids for non-stop fighting and Porter instigating things left and right (because I'll be honest- this boy is like 5 kids in one.  I could have a whole herd of 10 kids and it'd be less work than Porter among 2 others.  He knows how to get under peoples skin and bug people and push limits like no other).

So screw you, lazy days of summer.  I guess... maybe lazy days means 5 margaritas deep so the kids' fighting is drown out by a tequila stupor but.... maybe I'm wrong.  I guess I'll continue on my jam packed summer filling in the down time with activities to attempt to maintain my sanity.

letting go

Today was a big day for Poe. He's going to basketball camp at the high school, which is pretty much right across the road from us.  We literally can see the high school parking lot from our front yard.  He's been begging for more independence and well, I decided that maybe this is one little way I can let go and he can assert his independence.   I won't lie... it took a lot of convincing but I finally decided to let him ride his bike to camp. I watched him the whole way, and he did a GREAT job.... he didn't ride crazy, he watched where he was going, and the biggest one- he made it there HAHA!  But, let me tell you.... big moment here.  Why is growing up so hard.... on the mamas?

quiet time

It's quiet time around these here parts.   It doesn't always happen so seamlessly, but today is one of those days.   Both boys are cooperating and are quietly reading in their bedrooms.  Hudson has already passed out napping.  Amelia is asleep.  I know it'll only last an hour, tops, so I'll soak it up while I can

.  

24

24 hours. 

Night and day. 

Fresh beginnings. 

New outlooks. 

I am thankful for the rising sun, bringing a new day to start over fresh again.  

Sunday was rough.  As a matter of fact, the whole weekend was rough.  I have been in a terrible mood lately and this weekend Porter was in a completely ridiculous mood.   The past few days he has done nothing but whine and moan and complain and argue and rage and cry over everything.  Mood swings galore.   The littlest things set him off.  If something isn't his way he either whines or pouts or stomps or yells.  It felt like I was living with a 2 year old Jekyll and Hyde in the body of an 8 year old boy.  I spent my whole weekend breaking up arguments, typically started or instigated by Porter.   I'm going to be honest.  By Sunday, I really didn't like my kids.  At. All.  I was exhausted.  And angry at myself for blowing up at them so much but also angry at them for their attitudes.  I wanted to leave and go find a hotel to stay in for a few nights alone and in silence because I was sure my head couldn't take anymore noise and whining and arguing.   I ended the weekend feeling so defeated. 

Monday came, and when I picked the boys up from school I ran a few errands before picking Amelia up from daycare.  The two boys that got in the van after school were complete opposites of the boys I'd spent the weekend with.   They were kind to each other.  They were talking to each other- without picking and irritating.  I stopped at the gas station and let them pick out a snack since we weren't heading straight home.  The entire way to JoAnn Fabrics they shared snacks, trading Cheez-Its for Bugles.  Porter bartered, "I'll give you 4 Cheez-Its for 2 Bugles!" And they laughed with each other at the trades.  We stopped at JoAnn to pick up my sewing machine and they were fascinated by the monogram sewing machine that was sewing cars and frogs and trains.  Hudson gladly shared the rest of his Bugles with Porter, Porter thanked him in a kind voice.  They shared each others excitement as they watched the machine stitch a car.  I stood and watched them... in awe.  These boys.  AHHHh.  This is how I want to feel about my boys.  Pride.  Joy.  Love.  The lady at the sewing station told me to go ahead and look at fabric while they watched the machine.  I hesitated, thinking... I don't want to miss these moments of kindness and getting along.  Surely they'll start fighting and I wont' be here to break it up.   But, I walked away so proud of them... I couldn't believe what a change it was from the day before.  In 24 hours I went from wanting to run away from them to not wanting to leave their side because I wanted to marvel in their relationship with each other.  

I am thankful for new days, new beginnings, and new outlooks.  24 hours.  

story of my life

Not kidding... this totally happened.   You know those days when everyone is fighting over something stupid, and your attempts to diffuse the situation don't help at all, and you finally lose your everloving mind?   Yeah... well.... its perfect when 1D comes on the radio with Story of My Life and you can blare it loud.... because truthfully, the fighting... the chaos.... the losing your mind.... that is the true story of my life.