Westwinds November 24th

Unforgiveness kills you.   Its like a cancer in your heart.  It'll screw you over in every direction.  It'll make you miserable and the people around you miserable.   You forgive so that you can live free from the curse of your bitterness.

A mustard seed only reveals its full potency once its been cracked in half.   If its just put in the ground left to grow eventually it'll burst out of the pod.  When it bursts on its own thats when the explosive growth begins.  That's when its becomes its most impressive

But other things can crack it open too.... a bird, stepping on it, whatever.

The thing is.... its growth really accelerates when it is attacked.

And so it is with you.   Most of us don't like pain... suffering... hardship.  But whatever is hurting you now? That's when you can grow the most meaningfully and quickly.

these times | safetysuit

These times will try hard to define me
And I'll try to hold my head up high
But I've seen despair here from the inside
And it's got a one track mind

And I have this feeling in my gut now
And I don't know what it is I'll find
Does anybody ever feel like
You're always one step behind

And I know there's someone out there somewhere
Who has it much worse than I do
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life
I'd give anything just to work
It's like I'm only trying to dig my way out
Of all these things I can't

And I am sitting alone here in my bed
I'm waiting for an answer I don't know that I'll get
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I'm failing
I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will

And I know there's a reason
I just keep hoping it won't be long 'til I see it
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it
I'm telling you these times are hard
But they will pass
They will pass
They will pass
These times are hard
But they will pass

lead me....

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

"Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone"

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Trust. Thankfulness.

Today has had so many blessings for me... I felt like I needed to glorify that with a blog post.  I'm thankful, so thankful.

This winter has been rough.  I won't lie.  I headed into fall with ambition and bright hopes for a booming business, and smooth sailing with this new venture.  It has been far from it.

I feel stagnant right now.   We're in the midst of winter.  The fall rush is gone, holidays are over and spring is on the horizon but right now... I'm stagnant.

I woke up this morning and a friend had posted on her blog something I so needed to read.  I'm going to paste it here for my personal safekeeping, but please please check out Kristin's blog... she's a fabulous writer and you just need to check her out.   I know her words probably mean something totally different to her, but I love how I could interpret them for myself as well.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.  Most of which has to deal with direction; anxiety associated with the unknown paths that lie ahead.  I’m trying to remind myself of all that I’ve learned along the way:

• I can’t predict the future: I need to relax on the corner, until my  gut tells me it’s time to cross the street.

• I must trust my instincts: I’ve never let fear guide my decisions before; why start now?

• I’ve already succeeded: I’ll remember this when I get bumped by failure.

• My reactions affect my entire family: As long as I set a positive tone, the kids will adjust to the ride accordingly.

•  I’m wasting my time spinning the wheels with worry: I can’t predict the future.

All of the above is true.  But, one directive leads to another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Thus, the anxiety. 

So, I have no choice but to travel the route that always gets me to my destination safely.  When I follow the avenue of patience, it takes me right to faith.  In the end, it will all work out.  And it will be an exciting adventure along the way.

This afternoon I have had blessing after blessing fall into my lap to get me over this "hump" this week.   Sure, I never envisioned I'd be a college grad, bachelor degree holding "artist" taking on freelance work to cover bills.  Did I ever picture myself at 31 fretting over bills and how to make ends meet this week?  Hell no.   But here I am.  And I know I'll pull through.  I know this is just a bump in the road.  The start of this journey.  I must persevere.  I can't predict the future.  I can't stress about what lies ahead.  I just need to trudge on, trust my gut.  Cross this street and keep on going until I end up where I know I'm supposed to be.  Where I know I'm meant to be.   

"I have no choice but to travel the route that always gets me to my destination safely.  When I follow the avenue of patience, it takes me right to faith.  In the end, it will all work out.  And it will be an exciting adventure along the way."

Blessed is how I'm feeling today.  Blessed with the God-given talents that I'm being pushed to use.  Blessed I have this option.  Blessed to be home with my babies, with them by my side as I work.  Blessed to be able to help others.  Blessed.  Truly blessed.

More time

Since the holidays I feel like I've been in a never ending grumpy slump.  I feel like I have normal days where I feel great- I'm patient with the kids, I am productive, optimistic and happy.  And then I have days on end where I feel antisocial, grumpy, short of temper, irritable and critical.  I can't really pinpoint what's going on... I feel like I'm having a setback, I'm falling back to old habits and not using skills I've worked so hard at building up.

I promise you the world again

Everything within my hands

All the riches one could dream

they will come from me

I've been decluttering and cleaning and I know, from past experience, that this is a coping mechanism.  I do this when I feel out of control.  It is something I can control and get instant gratification from when I feel like other things are beyond my control.  I can't pinpoint what, though, or what has set me off.

I know part of it has to do with the season.  It's winter.  We don't have any snow so its ugly, dead and grey out.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Business is slow.  Wait, no.  Non-existant.  Which stresses me out.  I refuse to give up, but I can't help but feel defeated at the moment.  We have big plans for this year and I'm uncertain as to how those plans will pan out if my hard work and effort into my business does not pan out.   Ryan is stressed.  I am stressed.

I hope that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don't worry now

It will turn around

And honestly, our house is cluttered.  Just a month past the holidays and my kid again were over-blessed with toys galore.  Everywhere I look there are piles and stacks and bags and boxes of things that need to go here or there.

I'm failing miserably at managing a daily schedule.  I find I don't have time for the things I NEED to do, and I'm spending time on things that aren't a necessity.  I'm not spreading my time out... its gung ho on one thing and one thing only.  I'm failing at micromanaging.  This stresses me out.

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine. 

Something I have begun recently is Digital Project Life.  So far, 3 weeks in, I am feeling very accomplished and in control of one area of my life that I am desperate to stay on top of.  In addition to feeling good about 2013, I've been able to catch up with multiple weeks from 2012 within the past 2 to 3 weeks.  Sure, these layouts aren't as great as traditional paper layouts with all the artifacts and dimensional goodies, but they're done and I can print and put them in my albums.  I am hoping I can stay on top of this and try to keep it simple.  My family's memories are so important to me and so important to have printed and in an album.  The kids adore looking at their albums, too.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Here are a few of my pages I've created.   And, if you're interested in Digital Scrapbooking or Digital Project Life, shoot me an email (nic073 a-t- yahoo d-o-t com) and I'd love to fill you in on how it works!

Start of something good

Everyone knows life has its ups and downs
one day you're on top of world
and one day you're the clown

well I've been both enough to know
that you do'nt wanna get in teh way when its working out
the way that it is right now

I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should....

I'm starting to believe that
this could be the start of something good.

Each night before I go to bed I think to myself.... I don't have to go to work tomorrow.  I get to stay home with my babies.  I get to be my own boss.  And each day, as I blow a kiss to Porter as the school bus pulls away, as I snuggle Miss Amelia and chat with Hudson and pack up the van to go pick up Porter from school I think "I can't believe this is my life right now."

I really, truly can't.

I never ever in my life imagined myself a stay at home mom.  And, while I am still technically working, I am pretty much that- a stay at home mom.  Its crazy to me.  Crazy that we're trying this out.  Crazy that so far it's working.  Crazy that something I thought was so unobtainable, something that I sat with my therapist a year ago crying over, is now my reality.  It just took a leap of faith.  A big leap of faith.

"I know its gonna take some time
but I've got to admit 
that the thought has crossed my mind
this might end up like it should..."

I have a lot of work ahead of me.... I have a business to revamp, I need to get myself back out on the market (after taking 6+ months off during pregnancy/maternity leave) and make a name for myself once again.  I have faith, though, that this will work and that I don't have to return to the work force outside of the home if I don't want to.  I know there will be sacrifices.  I know that there are things we're putting off for the time being (namely, paying on student loans... aaack.) but my babies are only babies for so long.  And it hurts my mama heart to think of them grown and not needing me anymore.  I want to freeze time.  I look at old pictures and I can't believe my boys are not toddlers anymore.  I won't get those years back.  Ever.  This is the only way I know to preserve time- to spend more with them.  I just hope and pray this is the right direction.

Today I contemplated my schedule.  I played legos with Hudson.  I blogged some memories.  I giggled with Amelia as she rolled around on the floor.  I responded to a few clients and facebooked a bit.  Hudson and I baked cookies.  I rocked my baby girl.  I worked on a project for the kids.  I watched my goofy boy ride his tractor.  I thought to myself as Hudson laughed and giggled with me today... I pray he remembers this. I pray he remembers the good days with me.  There are so many good days.  There are so many bad days, too. Days I feel defeated and feel like a failure.  Days I want to quit and run away.  But the good days, ohhh the good days.  The days that fill my heart with happiness until I feel like it will choke me.  I pray those are the days, the memories he keeps with him for always.

I'm not sure where things will go from here.  I know that I'm leaving my the ideal that I used to have for my life in the past.  I'm putting faith in this path that I've been put on.  I'm going to enjoy it.  I'm going to follow it to wherever it may lead. This time in my life right now, this new chapter that is beginning.... yes I believe it could be the start of something good.  Something real, real good.

On this glorious Sunday...

We skipped church today.   I got to bed late and was exhausted... the boys woke me up at 6am to come snuggle and continuously toss and turn and chit chat.  By 7:30 I sent them to the guest room to wake Ryan up.  Yes, Ryan is sleeping in the guest room.  His constant roaring snoring combined with my constant waking up to pee is not a good combo for this preggo.  We are sleeping separate.  It works.  Don't judge.  Ry got up with the boys and I slept in until 11am.  Folks, I don't remember the last time I slept in that late!  WOO it felt nice.

The boys in this house are over at Ry's dad's picking up some stuff to do yard work today.  The girls in this house (that'd be me and belly ninja) are getting ready to BS my way through this final case study on the last day of my grad class.  So happy its the last day but also a little stressed I have a lot of work to do.  Which is kind of my fault because last night we went to dinner and to see the Hunger Games with the Dawson's and the Huffs.  Had a great time, got back late (that was a loooong, but good, movie!) and thus, slept in late.

And as I sit at the computer, the windows are open and the birds are chirping and the sun is shining and the last thing I want to be doing is working on some case study for an ESL student.  Ahh reminds me of this quote:

 

And, well, the pretty picture reminds me of the outdoors today.  Soooo beautiful.  Not hot weather, mid 60's.  Perfect.  All this weather has made me want to just sit home and enjoy my family.  We skipped Awanas the past 2 Sundays because the boys were dirty from playing all day in the yard and the last thing I wanted to do was stop their fun in the yard, clean them up and ship them off to sit in church from 5-7.  I'm rethinking Awana, well... I love that we have a program so close but when I was a kid we went on Wednesday nights.  Perfect. This Sunday Awanas... kind of cramps my weekends.  We spend the morning at Westwinds (though on weekends I don't work in the 3/4's room at 11am we go to the early church), and then we have a few hours to spend in the yard, and then the boys have Awanas from 5-7.  Ick.

A few questions for you this Sunday:

• Have you seen the Hunger Games?
• Did you read the book first?  (I didn't)
• I liked the movie.  Did you? 
• Did you think it was accurate to the book?
• Did you feel dizzy throughout the beginning of the movie with the camera movement or was that just me?   We sat halfway back in the theater and I still felt like I was way too close.  Couldn't focus.  Too much movement.  Especially in the beginning it seemed... though maybe I just got used to it and it didn't seem too terrible toward the middle/end.
• I totally thought Peeta's name was "Peter" until the end when Katniss started yelling "Peeta!" in the woods... and I thought "Did she suddenly adopt an English accent?!"  HAHA!   (thank you jane!  LOL!)

Hump Day Ramblings

• SO SO beautiful out today- mid 70's and sunshine! 


• I surprised Porter and picked him up from school and took him to Dairy Queen.  He got a slushy/ice cream float.  Hmm.   We took our goodies to the park and threw rocks in the stream and ate our ice cream. 


• On the way home from work today I heard THE perfect song for baby sis' birth slideshow.  I am in love. 

• This warm weather is amazing, but I so pity women who are preggers in the summer.  I've been swelling up in the evenings the past few weeks, but today at work my feet were like sausages and my hands were all puffy.  Didn't help that the heat is still on at school and our classroom was easily 80*.  ICK!  


• I've decided to take a semi-leave from Facebook.  I'm going to take a break from posting, but will still check occasionally to keep up on friends/family etc.  I want to try to retrain myself to choose Blogger to post on vs. sending a blip to Facebook.   But, I don't want to withdraw completely from FB as it definitely has a time/place in life today.  I just need to refocus my priorities. 


• Do you know who Rev Run is (you know, from Run D.M.C)?  Oh I am so addicted to his "words of widsom".  Love it.  I've been posting them on Facebook (see... again... dissing the blog!) and wanted to write them down here as well.  
• The Lord will make perfect that which concerns me. Psalms 138:8. 
• Solid plan to have a stress free life: Do your best and forget the rest. 
• Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect, it just means you've decided to look beyond life's imperfections.
• Remember:: The Law of Gods Grace is: When you are down to nothing, Gods up to something!!
• You lessen your blessin when you compare what you have to others. 


• Denise is currently doing a "30 Days of 30" blog posting (the idea started with Lindsay ).  I was bummed I didn't start this in December and document my first 30 Days of 30, but decided... hey, why not start it now?  So, I think I'll be working on those kind of posts for the next 30 days.  Hopefully I can stick with it!


• I've got a couple designs done for baby sis' birth announcement... love all of them so now the hard part is deciding which one to use!  Still no name for this little girl.  I think *I* am down to 3 names... though Ryan is pretty stuck on one in particular.  Her nursery is pretty much done- just need to quilt/bind the quilt, fill in a few frames with artwork/pics on the wall, recover the glider cushions and make a changing pad cover.  I am in love with how her room has turned out.  It is so much better than I ever envisioned!


• My grad class is ALMOST done.  I'm in week 7 and next week is the last week!  I'm behind 2 assignments but... ughhh.  I'm not stressing.  I am not a "must get a 4.0" type of student and this might sound terrible but when the class started one of the first things I did was check the syllabus to see how many points I could possibly miss and still get a B.  HAHA!  It's pretty certain I'll be getting a B or somewhere around there.  I'm just so unmotivated anymore.  

Be grateful for the journey

I found this quote just sitting in my drafts.  I saved it almost a year ago to the day.  

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are.

As you create a home, don’t get distracted with a lot of things that have no meaning for you or your family. Don’t dwell on your failures, but think about your successes. Have joy in your home. Have joy in your children. Have joy in your husband. Be grateful for the journey." ~Marjorie P. Hinckley

I thought it was quite poignant that my thoughts were here, at this point, a year ago and thus seeing how my journey in the past year has taken me to this place.  I've come a long way in the past year.  I've grown a lot.  I've learned a lot.  I've let go of a lot.  I've learned to be more content.  To accept things I cannot change.  To worry less about those unchangeable things.  I've learned to embrace the life I have right now, to be content and have joy in where my journey has taken me.  I've learned to be more present in my children's lives- not just "being there" but actually BEING there and BEING involved.  Being present.  

I've embraced my 2011 word of the year: Simplify.  And I love this quote.  And oddly, I had just pinned it yesterday on Pinterest (which, a year ago, was scarcely heard of!)

Forgiveness

Last month I attended a Script class/workshop/conference/group meeting at Westwinds with my sister and her friend.  It was really inspirational to get so much information and advice and insight to something that is so difficult and so often struggled with.  Forgiveness.  I took notes, of course, and before I lose the notebook or it gets too full/overused, I want to make sure I get them journaled somewhere they won't get lost.  The information given by Becky was invaluable, and though my notes are pretty vague, they definitely give you something to think about.

Why is it hard to forgive? 

• trusting again
• acceptance
• revenge
• pride
• lack of trust
• no completion
• denial
• don't want to deal with emotions
• want to be right
• humility
• confrontation
• negativity is easy, forgiving isn't
• want to heal before forgiving

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God"

You love much when you've forgiven much.  

What does it mean to love?
What does it mean to be forgiving?

**When you understand what you have been forgiven for, you begin to forgive differently.

When we forgive:

1) We realize they are not monsters, they are people like us.  When we reduce people to an action it is dehumanizing.

2) We relinquish our right to get even.   

Romans 12 17-19  "¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord."

When you forgive, you have chosen not to get even.  

3) You begin to want to bless that person.  

-Forgiveness does not remove your right to hurt or feel the pain.

-Forgiveness doesn't mean the act or offense was okay.

-Forgiveness does not mean punishment is not necessary. 

-Forgiveness does not mean inviting the offender to hurt us again.  It does not mean reconciliation.  It does not mean you have to trust them.  

We forgive because:

1) We are commanded to forgive

2) It gives us a future of hope

3) It is good for our health. 

Who we forgive:

1) Only the people who hurt us

2) You know for a fact they did it on purpose

3) Those that don't ask for it

4) Ourselves

How do we forgive?

1) Recognizing we hurt

2) We acknowledge what has been done to you, how it has affected you

3) What was the exact action.  Call it by name.  "Lord, I forgive ____ for ____."

4) Don't wait too long- it will destroy you if you do. 

5) We don't stop forgiving.  We lose count if we keep score.  

Matthew 18 21-35 ¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.   

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.   

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.  

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.  He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.    

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’   

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.   

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.    

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

6) Journal.  Be still.  Pray.  Contemplate.  Write it down... steps 1-5.  Then burn it. 

inspiring myself.

Something I've spent a LOT of time working on in therapy (and I realize I don't write much about it here) is focusing on the positives in my life.  It is so easy for me to get downtrodden about what is going wrong in life, what is negative, what isn't going my way, that I end up feeling hopless.  In the past 10 months I've done a lot of practicing and reading in Mindful Thinking (Moms... read "Momfulness"... SUCH a good bood) and it has really helped me focus on the things I can control, the things that are positive in a situation, regardless of what it may seem to be.

Sure, my "reality" may look a little like this:

• I lose my temper.  A lot.

• I am not 100% happy with my job.

• I yell at my kids.  Not as much anymore, but I used to. A lot.

• I don't have a lot of trust in people, regardless of how open book I am.  I don't trust many people to have my back 100% of the time.

• My husband and I bicker often, to some it may be uncomfortable.

• I can be opinionated and bossy.

• I hold major grudges.

• I have a lot on my plate... husband, kids, home, work, photography work, grad school...

• I've burnt a few bridges in the past (as have bridges been burned toward me as well)

• My kids drive me so crazy sometimes I wonder why we decided to have a 3rd child.  

If I were to focus on all those "negative" aspects of my life I'd be living in a hole.  Life would not be bright and feel like there is anything worth living.  What I do focus on is this:

• I have more patient days that I do impatient days.  I am a work in progress and I can forgive myself for the moments of weakness and anger.

• My job has given me flexibility to be home with my kids when I need to as well as have a "Mommy Day" on Fridays.  There is more to life than a job, I'm doing "my job" to the best of my ability so that *I* shine.  I know God has a plan for me and right now this is where I am meant to be. 

• My kids love me and I love them more than life itsself.  They know Mommy makes mistakes just as they do.  I focus on the minutes, hours, days that make me smile and laugh and be proud to be their Momma. Those are the memories I want to remember.  Those are the moment worth living for.

• Those crazy moment?  They are only moments.  That 3rd child?  We CHOSE to have him/her enter our life and God CHOSE him/her to be a part of our family.  He or she is a blessing to our family and we can't imagine life being complete without him/her. .   This life is too fleeting to get wrapped up in the chaos too much.  

• My husband is my love and partner in this life and we work through everything as a team.  Regardless of our disagreeances, we come together as one and love eachother through thick and thin.  We make an amazing parenting team and I am so proud of the accomplishments we've made in the past year.  Do we have a lot to work on in our marriage still? Hell yeah.  And I'm pretty sure we will continue to have things to work on until the day we die.

• Those burnt bridges?  They just light the way to the things that are important in life, and cast shadows on the things that need to be let go of.

awakening

This couldn't have been said any better.  (borrowed from Beanski's blog)

A time comes in your life when you finally get it ... when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out ENOUGH!!! No more fighting and no more crying or struggling to hold on.... And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that you are neither Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love appreciate or approve of who or what you are...and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of newfound confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you.

So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance. You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties...and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for.

You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with...and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything,

it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise. You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help.

You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.


You learn that life isn't always fair, you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes-bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people.

On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn't punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It's just life happening. You learn to deal with evil in its most primal state - the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart's desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. You make it a point to keep smiling, to trust, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and God by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best you can.

THE Interview. And the call.

I had my interview yesterday.  I was well prepared.  I'd studied and had some great responses (well, at least what I *felt* were great responses).  I wore a short sleeved black business jacket with black dress pants.  I had my portfolio, organized and packed to the brim of great examples of my work.  I had copies of my resume as well as copies of my "quotes of recommendation" (quotes pulled from my letters of recommendation) for each of the people on the interview panel.  I knew 4 of the 6 people.... my principal, 2 co-workers (the other 2nd grade teachers) as well as a teacher from another building.

The interview went great, so I thought.  Everything they asked me I thought in my head as they asked me "oh I've GOT this!".  I wasn't caught off guard by any questions.  I felt like I had really good responses.  We laughed a little, there was a little conversation, I felt confident and sure of myself.  I sat there feeling like "OMG I have this.  This job is MINE."

Or so I thought. 

The principal said they wanted to have a decision last night and by 9:30 I was feeling like they wouldn't be calling.  10:00 I got a call... and I could tell by his voice the decision wasn't in my favor.   He said I did great (I always friggin' hear this) but "they decided to go another direction."  WTF.   To say I am astounded.  Floored. Duped.  Pissed.  Annoyed.  Disappointed.  It's all an understatement.   

I thought I had this. 

I've always had great feedback from the principal, he's somewhat "led me on" to believe that he wanted me there fulltime.  He has told co-workers how highly he thinks of me, that he wanted to get me in fulltime.  I feel led on and... duped.  Sucker punched.  

And the worst part... I have another week of work.  Another week to face co-workers.  To feel humiliated that, yes, after 5 years I'm *still* her and I *still* haven't been hired in fulltime.  I don't even want to go there. 

I'm now quite aware that fulltime at my school is not going to happen in the near future.  My district isn't huge (there are 3 elementary schools, which is larger than most smaller districts but not the largest in town), and its a great place to work... hence, people don't leave often.  And I don't foresee any retirements from my building anytime soon.  So, unless people move around or shift buildings (which IS a possibility) there aren't likely any spots open.  In the past 5 years I think there have been 4 times they've interviewed for open positions.  So, its a rarity.  I've been waiting for this spot to open in my building for a long long time.   The other jobs that have been interviewed for, at the other elementary buildings, they've hired their own lit coaches.  ANd, in  my building, I'm always talked highly of, always told that everyone thinks highly of me, and I've also beent here the longest of the lit coaches.  

I thought I had this. 

So, I don't know where to go next.  I'm just so confused and hurt and disappointed.  I am going to take the weekend to process my "loss" and then jump into high gear of applying EVERYWHERE and contacting every principal and making them aware that I've applied and that I want a job.  I'm going to be annoying.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?  Operation job search will be underway.  I'll be honest, in the past few years I have NOT been very active with applying at other schools.  I love my school I'm at and part time was okay with me.  I was holding out with the thought that I was "next up" to get hired in.  I didn't want to leave a part time job I loved to go somewhere I'd be unhappy or dislike my job.  But, game on.  Balls to the wall I'm on the hunt.

"Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it." — Eliza Tabor

Leaving your mark

Above all else, it is about leaving a mark that I existed: I was here. I was hungry. I was defeated. I was happy. I was sad. I was in love. I was afraid. I was hopeful. I had an idea and I had a good purpose and that's why I made works of art. 

Felix Gonzalez-Torres

Momfulness Inspiration

Children are amazingly resilient;  we can be "good enough" parents, and when a disconnection or lack of attunement occurs, we can work to repair it as quickly as possible.  

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May we be fully present, here and now, aware of the gift of each moment. 

Patience is a key

As we cultivate mindfulness and compassion, we strengthen our ability to understand what we need, what our child needs, what a moment needs.  We also begin to realize that we can't pull on growing things to make them come up any sooner.  Patience is a key to cultivating things in a healthy way.

PATIENCE is a key to cultivating ALL THINGS in a healthy way. 

-Momfulness

Eat, Pray, Love: good quotes

"I want to have a lasting experience with god.  Sometimes I feel like I understand the divinity of this world, but then I lose it because I get distracted by my petty desires and fears.  I want to be with God all the time.  But I don't want to be a monk, or totally give up worldly pleasures.  I guess what I want to learn is how to live in this world and enjoy its delights, but also devote myself to God."  (Elizabeth Gilbert: Eat, Love, Pray)

"To find the balance you want, you must keep your feet grounded so firmly on the earth that it's like you have four legs instead of two.  That way, you can stay in the world.  But you must stop looking at the world through your head.  You must look through your heart, instead."  (Ketut the Medicine Man: Eat, Love, Pray)

Sunday Cue

Just some lyrics from Church today that I really liked.


Broken: Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (In the pain) there's the healing
In your name (In your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on, (I'm still holdin')
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I would, would be ok

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

Something Beautiful:  Needtobreathe

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.
Something Beautiful

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

Character

"Be more concerned about your character than your reputation because your character is who you are and your reputation is what others think of you."  -Mandy Unplugged

Back to Me

This morning I went to church for the first time in about a year.  I've already failed my goal of 3 out of 4 Sundays each month, but as my Aunt Linda says... you can't fail.

I forgot how much I love church.  Well, not just any church, but Westwinds.  I forget how at home I feel there, how moved I feel.  Before we had Porter, we had checked out a few different churches.  I came across those blog posts this week while working on my Blurb Book.  The other churches were okay... even good, I'd say.  But I always left feeling like I should look more.  When I came to Westwinds, I had no need to search anymore.  I had found my home.

In church yesterday it felt so symbolic.  It happened to be a baptism day.  I didn't expect to feel emotional about it, but I did.  I know I wasn't the only one wiping tears from my cheeks because all around I saw fingers inconspicuously swiping their faces. The music was loud, the baptisms took place and after each person rose from the water there were cheers and screams and whistles.  It was amazing... to see these lives being transformed.  I was there, in that water, almost 5 years ago.  That was me, committing myself, vowing to follow God and His word and to walk my journey with him.  And at times I've kept my end of the deal and there are times, many times, I haven't.  How appropriate for God to show me this on the first Sunday I come back "home."

I felt in a way that it was me being baptized, that God was saying to me "Start over... you can be renewed."  And I feel I am.  I feel that in the past few weeks there has been so many changes to ME... in a way I don't feel like ME anymore, but I know that I am still me.  I'm shedding the parts that aren't me... the parts that I don't like, the parts that aren't truly me and I'm working, so hard, to get back to the real me.

Along with the "One Little Word"... I thought this video from John Voelz, oneour lead pastors at Westwinds went along with the OLW theme quite well.



Westwinds for thoughts....
What is He asking you to notice and participate in that you walk or drive by every day?


Could you somehow make a difference in the life of a person from whom you buy your gas or lunch?  (Heather, this reminded me of you)


What small wrong in the world could you help set right where you live, work and/or play?

And finally, after a awesome discussion with my Aunt Linda this afternoon about issues Not To Be Discussed, I feel understood.  She feels my anger, hurt and resentment.  And I am going to follow her advice because I can tell from the tears in her eyes as she told me her story that God will change my heart as he changed hers.  So this week I will pray.  I will pray willingly and unwillingly. I will pray for those I don't WANT to pray for, because I know HE wants me to.  And I know He already knows my feelings, no matter what those feelings look like on the outside and no matter how I try to hide or ignore those feelings.  There is nothing to hide from Him.

That's what I have, for now.