brothers

Every once in awhile I get the idea that, despite all the fighting, maybe these two really do love each other.  

day by day

For the most part, we've settled into our home and it feels pretty good.   Most days, it does.  Most days it feels like we're in our own little corner of paradise.  We are secluded from the hustle and bustle, the kids have acres and acres to play on, we have a spacious home where we are no longer crawling on top of each other (except when everyone and the dogs want to be in the kitchen at the same time!), and the community is welcoming, friendly and has such a great, happy small town feel.  We're close to bigger cities... just 15-20 minutes from numerous cities with great shopping.

Other days just feel... off.  Other days it feels like a big mistake.  It feels isolated and foreign and unfamiliar and messy.  The "other days" are easy enough for ME to handle.  I know that we've landed in this spot for a reason.  I know we felt the need to move, to pick this place- this house- this town- for a reason. I know this is part of our journey and His plan.  But when the kids are feeling the "other days", it makes it so hard as a parent. 

Hudson has had the hardest time adjusting, and this doesn't surprise me.  I spoke with his teacher before school started and voiced my concerns.   He's quirky.  He doesn't play "typical" boy games like most of the boys did at his old school.  He sometimes has a hard time recognizing personal space. He can be obnoxious and not read social cues when people are all " You're being obnoxious, get out of my face... I'm over you".   He is immature for his age.  Even moreso being a boy.   My heart ached for him starting school.  I prayed the other kids would be accepting and find the good in him and realize his silly, sweet personality and heart were worth getting to know- quirks and all.   I was also terrified about his school work- he tends to want to do everything PERFECT and it paralyzes him into not doing ANYTHING at all.  He can be stubborn and refuse to do his work (Writing especially... he can sit for EVER saying he's thinking about what to write nad never get anything down on paper.)

As I've always done with the boys since they started school, I asked them each day who they played with at recess, and who they ate lunch with.  The first day of school I was so excited to know Hudson made a new friend right off the bat- Luke.  After a few days, it appeared he was no longer playing with Luke "because he wants to play cops and robbers and I want to play house!"  There were days he could name a few kids he played with, and there were days he said "I don't know...." hesitantly, only to finally admit he played alone.  My heart broke.  We discussed compromising and trying to play something the other kids wanted to play, but he was set on playing "house" or "wild baby animals".   He didn't want to play cops and robbers, or puppies and dogcatchers, or dinosaurs with the other kids.  We discussed that it was his choice- he had to decide if he would rather compromise and have friends to play with, or play alone and play what he wanted to play. 

The first week of school he brought home a paper that was incomplete (nothing even started on it) and a note stating that he refused to do any writing.  Another paper had a sentence on it with a note stating he completed with SIGNIFICANT help from the classroom aide.   I started having him write after school... I printed random, silly pictures off google and had him write 5 sentences about the pictures.  

I emailed his teacher last week and asked how he was doing- how school work was going and how he was doing socially.  She told me she was seeing the same things... that her class was full of great pretenders and the kids loved pretending, but Hudson wasn't wanting to try playing what everyone else was playing.   She recommended having him see the school counselor who can informally help him meet friends with a "friendship group".    She also said work completion was difficult- she could tell he was very bright but has a difficult time demonstrating it.

On Friday, I spoke with his teacher at the homecoming parade and she said that since we'd emailed, he seemed to have done a 180.   She had moved him next to Luke, and they seemed to be motivating each other to do their work.  He also had made a couple new friends that she noticed him playing with (He did tell me one day "I can't wait to go to school tomorrow... I have a new friend named Grace!"). 

Porter seemed, to me, to be taking everything in stride.  He made friends at football, and he always said he'd played some game or another with kids at recess.  He's enthusiastic to complete his homework as soon as he gets home.  When we went to the homecoming football game, he was greeted by a group of kids who ran up to him to have him go off and run around with them.  He seemed like he was doing fine. 

Tonight, however, he broke down.  All day he has been rotten to his brother and I had had enough.  I sent him to his room and went upstairs to let him know how I felt about his behavior... that he was being a bully, that the way he treated his brother was not how he would ever think of treating a friend or classmate, that I wasn't going to allow one of my kids to be a bully and that he was not going to be playing with friends until he could learn to be kind to his brother.  He started bawling.  And sobbing. We hugged and I let him calm down and asked him what he was feeling... he said he felt invisible. He said he had no friends.  He felt invisible at home and at school and that he's felt like he didn't fit in ever since 1st grade.  I asked about the boys he played with at the game and it seems like they're friendly, but this boy already has "good friends" that he's obviously been friends with for years.  I realized... maybe this isn't as easy for him as I thought.  Yeah... he isn't going to be able to jump into class and be good friends with anyone right away, and that can make you feel invisible and like such an outsider.  It takes time to build up those relationships and get to know someone well.  I explained to him that I felt very much the same... that I don't have any friends here and there isn't a school for moms to go meet other mom friends.  I let him know I understand how he feels and that the change is going to be hard for awhile until we let people get to know us.  

 So... day by day... day by day.   I know there will be good days and bad days.   I'm trying to roll with the punches here but some days I am afraid we made a wrong choice.  Most days I know we didn't... most days I know I won't regret this.  Most days I know we've opened up our kids to many more opportunities here.  But some days... some days I hate the messiness of this transition.  I hate the heartache my babies feel as they adjust.  I hate the behaviors and attitudes it brings out in all of us as we try to internalize our fears and worries and sadness and loneliness.   I look forward to the day where we feel like this is 100% home... where we belong... where we feel welcome and comfortable and familiar.

Day by day... day by day.

half year updates

AMELIA @ 3.5:
This girl… she has such a charismatic personality.  I swear, everywhere we go the pre-tween girls just LOVE her.  And she eats up the attention like its a bag full of candy.  When we go to Porter’s football practices on Wednesdays, there is a group of 3 girls who are probably 8-11 years old maybe, and they just LOVE playing with her.  They push her in the swing and chase her around (because she is just running wild, grinning ear to ear “Hey come this way!  Let’s go do this!  Oh you can’t catch me!”).   I smile when I overhear the girls saying to each other “She’s so ADORABLE!   Isn’t she funny?  She’s so cute!"

She cracks me up when she accidentally breaks things… she’ll fess up. “Mom, I sorry I broked that ______… but it’s okay, it was an accident!”   And she’ll flash her big grin with her dark puppy dog eyes.  

This summer she fell into my grandmas pool without floats and Ryan had to jump in and save her.   She told us for weeks “I almost DRAINED!”   And every time we went to a pool she’d say “ I need my floats so I don’t drain again.  I don’t like to drain!”  

HUDSON @ 7.5:
Hudson is slowly but surely coming out of his shell.  He’s always been so painfully shy.  When we know he’s going to be in new situations, I try to coach him on how to respond when someone talks to him…. I let him know “You don’t have to talk to them a long time… you can be polite and just say Hi, or if they ask your name just tell them. OR if they ask you a question you can give them a thumbs up if it feels to hard or scary to talk.   When we went to his new school to meet his teacher he floored me with not being scared to say hi.  He recently started gymnastics where Amelia goes and he’s having a blast.  I think he lack of competition with others is giving him confidence… he loves the pit and trampoline.  He’s becoming more confident in going into class alone (I dropped him off yesterday and when I got inside with the girls he had joined his class on his own)

PORTER @9.5:
I am so proud of the little man he is becoming.  When we went camping this past August, I noticed just how much he’s growing, socially and emotionally.  This boy, he has so much wit and sarcasm and he’s hilarious to talk to.   At the campfire, he wanted to be included in all the conversation and joked back and forth with Ryan’s uncles.  It cracked me up, seeing him light up and shoot sarcastic jokes back.  He is starting to jump out of his comfort zone, too.   He’s always been a super social kid, and is always a friend to everyone.  But, in new situations, sometimes he freezes up, which has always surprised me with his go-getter attitude.   While on vacation, he randomly volunteered to be part of a demonstration for a log cutting mill demonstration.   He got up in front of the crowd, joked with the guy doing the demonstration, and had a great time.   It was adorable.   We also went zip lining and walked across a rope bridge.  I was CERTAIN he would bail, because when we were at Disney this past January he refused to do any of the big/fast rides that went high.  He wouldn’t go on the ferris wheel, or any ride that went high up.  However, he had no fear with the rope bridge, rock wall climbing or zip lining!  It was so neat to see him becoming so brave! 

brain dump

It's 3am and I found myself wide awake and my brain churning.  Thoughts running rampant, trying to sort out the feelings I have about Porter and school.   My mind is racing with what should I do, am I doing the right thing, am I overreacting, am I being ridiculous.   I need to write it out.  I need to list it all.

Right now, for various reasons, I'm considering homeschooling or sending my kids to private schools.  This is something I never... ever.... ever... thought I'd consider.   I'm a teacher by degree.  I've worked in public schools and I am far beyond a helicopter parent who wants to shelter my kids from any little harm they could get in this world.   However, I feel like things have compiled to make me consider other options.

My biggest concern is Porter.   Porter.... at school he's the friendliest, kindest, most loyal friend to others that I know.  He goes out of his way to shovel the neighbors driveways and sidewalks when it snows.  When the neighbors dog gets loose, he runs outside to get him and take him home.  He's helpful.  Kind.  Goodhearted.  Social.  In kindergarten, I remember going into school with him one day and he said hi to every adult that worked there that he passed.  Teachers from different grades, the gym teacher, aides.  He was Mr. Social.   He was- and is- friends to everyone.   He gives up his snack if someone in his class doesn't have one.  He goes out of his way to do nice things for them.  He risks his mothers wrath and stays with his friend on the playground after school because his mom is late and he doesn't want him to be alone.  However, his choices in friends kind of....sucks.  I don't know how to put this nicely.   He's a great student-- academically, socially, and behaviorally.  He doesn't get in trouble.  He follows rules.   But the kids he gravitates towards... do not.   This is isn't something new... I've had concerns since Kindergarten.   And, as he's gotten older and I've become more involved at the school, there are other issues that have been raising red flags to me.

-Kindergarten.... he talked all the time about a 1st grader "G" who always seemed to be in trouble, or making bad choices.
-The one child in his class, "M" that had all kinds of rotten behaviors- belching in my face one day while I was helping a little girl tie her shoes, talking rudely to adults etc- is one he started to gravitate towards.
-First grade- he continued sitting by "M" at lunch, and playing with him on the playground.   We had many many discussions about choosing friends, and who you decide to hang out with can affect how others view you, and you have to make good choices in friends or you may find yourself in trouble even if YOU weren't doing anything wrong.
-Second grade was when I really became concerned with SCHOOL, as well as friends.  1.  His class was a bit... disorganized.   I volunteered in his classroom one day a week, for the entire morning before lunch.   He had a student teacher for part of the year, which compounded the inconsistency in his classroom.  One child had an MP3 player in class.  There were tons of distractions- a handful of kids who were just... off the wall.  During writing assignments I couldn't help but feel like.... Porter can do better than what he's doing.  He isn't putting forth enough effort because there isn't structure here.  He's just "getting by".  He's capable of more.
-I ask the boys every day... "Who did you sit with at lunch, kiddo?   Who did you play with a recess?"  I want to know who my child is choosing to spend their time with.   The boy in his 2nd grade class, "T", that he gravitated toward as a friend this year, knew more things than a 2nd grader should know.  It broke my heart, but also.... I don't want MY child exposed or hearing some of these things.  His dad had been in prison.  He stole from Porter.  He talked back to the teacher. He refused to listen to the teacher.  He put forth zero effort in his work and just scribbled.  The teacher told me at the end of the year that "T" was acting up more because he didn't want school to end and to be at home.  I'd discussed with the teacher if he was someone I should encourage or discourage Porter to play with/continue to be friends with.  He said Porter would be good for "T" but never let Porter go to his house.  My heart ached for this child but.... as a parent of my own child I have to protect MY child.   I felt like Porter was always going to have these friends he chose that I didn't allow him to hang out with outside of school.  And, as he gets older.... its going to get harder to discourage these friendships as peer pressure rises.
-2nd grade, a boy was talking to Porter about SEX.   He came home and asked what it was.  What the actual hell.  SECOND GRADE!
-Last year I had to stop the boys from riding the bus to and from school because the things I heard them say the 6th graders were talking about on the bus were so inappropriate.   Cussing, sexual words, threats to each other (not the boys, but other kids on the bus) etc.
-3rd grade, I went on a field trip and in my group there were 4 kids.  A little boy and girl who were super sweet, Porter and another boy "D" who was a wild child.... as in, teacher having to ask him repeatedly to do things, him refusing to listen to the teacher, throwing a tantrum, etc.  Who does Porter talk about playing with? THIS child!
-On the bus home from the field trip, I overheard another boy, "G", who was sitting in teh seat across the aisle from us say multiple totally inappropriate things. Mentioning something about "Condom candy" to the boy he was sitting with.  Joking about his friend (the boy he was sitting with) "licking his penis and liking it HAHAHA"  I was so appalled.  I said something to him numerous times and then the teacher did end up taking him to the front of the bus (along with "D" who was getting in trouble on the bus too).
-The girls in front of us on the bus had her mom's iPod and were looking at half naked black and white model pictures of men on it and giggling. THIRD GRADE!  I'm sorry... but 1, why are you keeping sexual pictures of men on your phone (celebrities and the like.... you know, like you see some people Pin on Pinterest as "eye candy") and giving it to your child to take to school???
-Hudson rides the bus from his school to Porter's after school so I can pick them up in one location.  Hudson told me one day a boy on the buss called him a "Mother F@$#er"
-Porter- 3rd grade- goes out to recess with 6th graders. Doesn't this seem like a bit of an age gap to be playing unsupervised??  4th and 5th graders are together for recess.
-Porter told me he was threatened during "Fun Friday recess" (an extra recess) by a 4th grader.   He was talking to his friend and this kid butted in, and Porter told him not to be rude and the boy told him "You'd better not talk to me or you'll be lying on the ground with a bloody nose/mouth (something like that)"

AUGH!  As you can see.... its not just one incident.  And honestly, I can handle bullying/mean kids.  I can handle that.  And my kids are no strangers to swear words... I'm not mother of the year by any means.  But our society put so much sexualization in EVERYTHING and I'm starting to see the trickle down effect... its not just parents who let their little girls dress like mini teenagers... its the sexual things kids know about, hear about, think about.... and it grosses me out.   I want my children to be CHILDREN for as long as they can be.  I don't want to have to explain to my 3rd grader what a condom is.  I don't want my 3rd grader oogling over sexual pictures of the opposite sex.  And, I don't feel this way so much about HUDSON'S experience at school... he's in 1st grade right now and I haven't had one concern about friends/kids in his class etc.  He plays with 2 little girls most often, and they take stuffed animals to school and play with them on the playground.  I haven't had any red flags with him- yet- other than the kid on the bus calling him a MF'er.

The hard thing is.... I don't dislike the school or school district.  I have no problem with the teachers or the curriculum.  I have FRIENDS who send their children there who have totally different experiences and who love it there.   I KNOW there are great kids that go to the school because I know their parents.  I want more than anything to LOVE where I send my kids to school.  I WANT to send them off to public school and feel they're safe and learning about age-appropriate things and not having access to the minds of children who have been corrupted by their parents/home environment.  I know private school isn't going to shelter them from all of this either.  There will be naughty kids there.  I know homeschool won't hide them from the horrors of the world forever, and to be honest it could totally trash our parent/child relationship because I honestly don't feel like I'm cut out for it.

I don't know what the solution is right now.  I do know I've had this nagging feeling for the past year that this isn't working.  I don't know what to do, or where to go.   I could discuss all these concerns with the principal but honestly.... are they going to follow my child around and make sure he's not hearing inappropriate conversations at school on the playground?  No.  Is it going to change how other parents are parenting their kids at home?  No.  Is it going to change Porter's choice in friends he plays with during free time?  No. Its all things that CAN'T be controlled that are the problem.

thankful | september 30

A few years ago when I was seeing a therapist, she suggested I write down 3 things I'm thankful for at the end of the day.  The purpose was to focus my mind and heart on the positives from the day.  To see the successes, no matter how small.  I've kind of been in a rut lately and feel like I need to refocus a bit.  I don't think I'll do this daily, but whenever I feel negativity creeping in I'm going to try to document the good, the positive, the uplifting.  So, for today.... no matter how insignificant:

1. This morning when I realized it was picture day for Porter, and I told him he'd have to wear the polo I had picked out for his school pictures instead of the outfit he'd picked out.... he accepted without a hitch.  No whining, no tantrum, no questions.
   
2. Hudson conquered his fear of going upstairs alone to get his parrot that he wanted to take to school after I told him it was time to leave and I didn't have time to go upstairs with him.  He had the choice to go upstairs alone or go to school without.  And he mustered up his bravery and ran upstairs alone.  CHEER!!
   
3. I've had an eye opening day... realizing what amazing women I'm in the presence of daily. Seeing one of my best friends reach a goal she's worked SO hard for, and deserves more than anyone.  Seeing two of my girls take on and replicate leadership skills.... it literally brought tears to my eyes.  And finally, I'm doing a pay it forward with some lavender oil I brought home from France.  One of the requirements is that my team has to pay it forward as well, and be nominated for the oil.  And reading through the nominations.... seeing how uplifting and kind these women are, how they cheer each other on, how they encourage and congratulate and acknowledge each other. This just makes my heart so happy.  Its hard, with women, to find friends who do that for you.  To find a group of people who can be truly happy for each other. Who can celebrate successes, encourage each other and tell each other openly that they're proud of them.   Truly makes my heart happy.  

back in the groove

Now that school is back in session, I feel like we're settling into a more "normal" groove.  Lots of things still going on, but it feels more manageable.  It has been a crazy, busy month (football has taken over for realz... gah!) and I so need to go back and pull out some pictures and blog about them. Lots of firsts for these kiddos!

• Porter is playing tackle football.  I'm not thrilled they start so young (3rd grade) but he really likes it.  He gets braver and more confident with each practices (says Ryan... because I stay home with Amelia..... she's a wild beast at practice, trying to jump on the mats with all the big kids).   As much as I complain about practice time and the busy-ness, I love watching him play. 
• Hudson is taking an art class- painting!  We signed him up for flag football but he refused to even attempt to participate so we aren't going to push it with him.  He's total opposite of Porter and I honestly don't see him in physical sports, but we'll see.  He was SO excited about the painting class!   
• Amelia started dance class... Creative Movement.  She's super excited to go, and oh my gawwwww kill me with cuteness!  Can I tell you how long I've waited to have a little girl to wear a cute little leotard and piggies?  GAWWW!  She went into class without looking back, and when she came out she was ALL smiles, saying "I went a dance class!  I got a sticker!"
• I haven't been out to ride Lacey as much as I've wanted to.  Once a week has been my average... which is phoooey.  But, it is what it is.  I finally ventured out into the trails/fields behind the barn and can't believe its taken me that long to go check it out.  Perfect riding areas!  I only wish we had another horse so I could have someone come along and ride with me.  It gets kind of boring riding alone. 
• Amelia and I are headed to South Carolina next week for a girls-only weekend.  Well, it was supposed to be kid-free but I had literally NO ONE to watch her so I'm taking her along.  It'll be my grandma, mom, aunt, cousin, me and Amelia.  We're going to Edisto Island.  I can't wait. 4 full days of relaxing at the ocean. Heaven. 

Question for you readers.... we recently had an incident where I realized I REALLY needed to have parental security on our computer/internet for the kids.  So, our internet is pretty much locked down.  It has really opened my eyes to the age Porter is at, as well as how many things our kids are exposed to at such young ages.   Today Porter recognized this funny mom-parody ("All I need is Space") as the tune to "All about the bass".  I asked where he heard that song and he said he heard it at school.  So and so was on YouTube on the iPad.   (they have classroom iPads).  Kids at his school are also allowed to have iPods out on the playground.   Is it just me or..... does this seem inappropriate?  I mean, some of the "popular" music is soooo inappropriate for younger kids, and I'm sure half the parents don't listen to what the lyrics are saying.  We're really trying to watch what the boys are exposed to, and I'm just feeling uncomfortable with young kids having unmonitored access to YouTube and use of personal iPods with unmonitored materials on it.  What do you think?  

letting go

Today was a big day for Poe. He's going to basketball camp at the high school, which is pretty much right across the road from us.  We literally can see the high school parking lot from our front yard.  He's been begging for more independence and well, I decided that maybe this is one little way I can let go and he can assert his independence.   I won't lie... it took a lot of convincing but I finally decided to let him ride his bike to camp. I watched him the whole way, and he did a GREAT job.... he didn't ride crazy, he watched where he was going, and the biggest one- he made it there HAHA!  But, let me tell you.... big moment here.  Why is growing up so hard.... on the mamas?

How are babies made?

So, the other night we were getting the kids ready for bed and the boys and I were laying in my bed (Well, I was laying there chatting with them, they were bouncing around).  Ry was putting Amelia in bed and Porter says to me "Mom, how are babies made?"

Uhm.  Whaaattt? 

He's 8.  In 2nd grade.  And TALK ABOUT BEING PUT ON THE SPOT!!   

First let me say, I never want to lie to my kids... and Ry and I have been having lots of discussions with Porter lately about lying (porter doing the lying, or accusing Ry and I of lying to him) and we've been really trying to reinforce that we're a family and we aren't going to lie to each other.  From the beginning the boys have known the "technical" terms for boys and girls parts... not pee pee or potty spot or whatever some might call it.  Its always been penis or vagina.   And a few months ago Porter did ask how Amelia came out of my tummy and so I told him "Well, she came out of my vagina."  I know this subject is something I want them to always be able to ask us about so I didn't want to shame it. But HOLY HELL what do you say to that question on the spot!!

I asked him what he meant, and I tried to say "Well, babies are made inside mommies tummies."  he continued... no but I mean HOW are they made?   

OH MY WORD

I tried to slowly get into it... "Well, there's this thing called a sperm and an egg, and when they combine, they make a baby"

Please let that be enough.  Please let that be enough.  

"Noooo, mom... I mean... how does it get made?" 

I asked him where he heard it from. He said Max at school told him... its a bad word... he wanted to write it down for me.  So he ran to his room and got a notebook and wrote "SEX" on it.  

FRICK.  Frick.  WHAT THE HELL DO I SAY TO THIS???

I asked what Max told him, and why they were talking about this.  

P: "Well, the big book of knowledge in the library was talking about how babies were made.  So I asked Max.  And Max told me s-e-x.  His mom told him.  What is that?"

Me: "What did the big book of knowledge say?"

P: "I don't know.... if I would have checked it out of the library as my library book, I'd probably know!"  

HAHAHAH!

So at this point, ryan comes in and he hears the convo and he says "NIC!  He's 8.  The stork brings the babies."  HAHA!  (Porters says... what's a stork?)  

I am pretty sure I failed but I tell him.... "Well, sex is a special kind of hugging that mommy and daddies do."

KILL ME NOW.   

Ryan stifles his laugh.   I'm dying because I don't know what to say but I know the stork isn't the right answer! 

I ask Porter if that answers his question and he says "Yep!"  And I remind him that he can always come and ask mommy and daddy anything he has questions about, and he should talk to us about those things and not his friends, and that he probably shouldn't talk about sex or how babies are made at school because its something that kids should talk about with their moms and dads.  

Holy lord.  HOLY LORD.

Also... I looked up the "Big book of knowledge" on Amazon.  And here is one of the reviews:

and this blogger has the pics!  GAH!!!  http://leonsmom.wordpress.com/2011/03/21/never-say-never/  

Just some updates

• Porter has been so so excited to be doing a "Tumble to Cheer" class after school.  I had a feeling it'd be all girls, but he was the one that said he wanted to do it.  One of the coaches was a male, so I thought... well maybe its more of a tumbling class, not "cheer".  Yeah.... tumbling lasted about 2 minutes.  I left school to pick up Amelia and by the time I was half way to Marleen's I got a call to pick him up because it's all girls. Bummer.
  
• H: (disgruntled because he lost his bedtime book for not getting his pajamas on during the 15 min he was upstairs) Everybody hates me. Nobody even wants to play with me outside at recess.
  
  P: I want to play with you Hudson but I don't see you. If you would eat faster you could come out and we could play.
  
  H: What do you want me to eat all my food at one time and choke? And I would choke and die? And then an ambulance would have to come and everyone on the playground would see and hear what everyone was talking about?
  
  Oh the dramatics...
  
• We finally planned our beach vacation for June.  We're headed to a different location that normal... Topsail Island!  I've heard great things about the area, and I think it should be pretty similar to Holden Beach, where we usually go.
  
• Because we waited so long to book our beach trip (because we were kind of in limbo waiting to hear if Ry was going to take a position at the Greensboro, NC location and I didn't want to have a beach trip planned if we were going to be moving in June/July etc...).... we had to change dates.  Which made our beach trip begin the same weekend I had plans to go to Chicago with Katie for a girls weekend and to see Needtobreathe in concert.  UGH.  I luckily was able to resell my tickets b/c the section I bought was sold out, but it bummed me out that I'm not going to get to see them in concert.  :(
  
• 
  

Winter Updates

• Hudson has become such an awesome reader.  He's blown through the sight word list at school and is reading Junie B Jones books on his own.  So proud of him!   His newest thing is the where's Waldo book and reading the lists in the back to find "extra" things to search for
  
• Porter has also turned into a huge reader lately.  He really likes the magic treehouse books.  He will go through multiple chapters in one sitting.  I often find the boys reading at night and can't bear to make them go to bed when they're voluntarily reading!
  
• Lately the boys have been sharing a room.  I love that every once in awhile they decide they want each others company.  I love peeking in before bed and seeing them sleeping in the same room
  
• Winter has been long.  Too long.  I'm itching to get out of the house and itching for some major changes.  I go from wanting to move out of state to remodeling our house to redecorating rooms to moving to a new house in michigan.  Ryan's feeling it too as he tore apart our 5th bedroom in the basement to drywall it.  And he's great at tear out but apparently hasn't had the motivation to work on the rebuilding part.
  
• Ry is looking into transferring to a different branch of his company- in North Carolina.  We've always wanted to move there but just haven't had the opportunity nor guts. Well, my job is providing far more than any outside the home job could and lucky for me I can work anywhere.  I'm excited at the opportunity but so nervous about the thought of leaving family.  I'm just not sure.
  
• Adding another cup of water to the soup, we've begun exploring the local foster to adopt agencies near us.  I've always wanted to adopt a little girl from china and always have felt like I have a daughter that isn't biological to me out there somewhere that belongs in our family.  Ryan is adopted, though he's never felt a huge pull to adopt.  Or maybe any at all if I'm being truthful.  The biggest reason I've never thought it'd be part of our life was because I worked outside the home and also because of money.  But now I work from home and have a very flexible schedule, and money is not an issue. We have a few friends that foster and have/are adopting and I've really felt this tug to look into fostering to adopt. Ryan is opening up to the possibility- he's up for a 4th child but he's really hesitant about the potential heartache of saying goodbye to a foster child.  So, we will be meeting soon with a local foster to adopt agency to get more details.  I know we would be wanting to foster/adopt a little girl 2 or under.  We've asked the boys what they think about this and they were so excited.  They adore Amelia.  They argued over whose room the new little sister would get to share... They both want to share with a sister hahah!
  
• I am finally discharged from physical therapy for my wrist and have been cleared to go horseback riding again!   Only.... I haven't had the time to go!  I miss riding so much.  But part of me is kind of scared to risk falling on my wrist.  I'm hoping to make it out this weekend.
  
• Porter started wrestling this winter.  He's really doing well and catching on quickly.  Too bad wrestling tournaments are a lot of waiting around to watch 1 to 3 minutes of action.  And it makes me anxious watching these boys wrestle.  Gah!!   But he likes it.  So that's good.  Now to find something that Hudson truly likes.  Hmm.   Not a fan of soccer.  Or basketball.  Or horseback riding (too smelly).  That boy....
  
• Hudson has been going through this really scared phase.  He is scared of the dark, of being alone in a room at home, of waking upstairs alone and even showering alone.  He asks to leave the bathroom door open.  When he takes a shower he says "I feel like a ship is about to gonna fall on my head".  What in the world??!?  He also is terrified of pictures of large ships.  And books about ships.  So strange.
  
• Amelia started going to daycare 2 days a week.  I really needed to have at least one day a week where I had silence in the house- where I can work distraction free.  Miss Marleen wanted her 2 days a week (for consistency) so instead of my grandma watching her on Mondays while I volunteer in the boys' classrooms, she goes to Marleens then as well.  She LOVES it there, and does such a great job.  Of course, I had no doubt that Marleen would love her and she does.  :)  I love that she gets to be around other kids and do projects and crafts, and I get a day to spend with the boys at school and a day to work distraction free.  Win-win in my book!

Happy 8th Birthday, Porter Evan!

Porter.... again, I will always say this... HOW are you getting so old?  The days are SO so long, and sometimes filled with grumpiness and frustration, but the years are SO short, and so bittersweet.  I adore the person you are becoming.  My god, you are the most sensitive, caring boy ever.  (Well, not exactly sensitive and caring toward your brother, but... we're working on that!).  I am always amazed at how big your heart is.  

The other day I sent you to school with snacks for the week.  It is your responsibility to eat one snack a day at snack-time.  On Wednesday you told your dad and I that you had "14 tiny heart candies for snack, and that's all"  I started to grill you on why you didn't have a snack, as I'd JUST reminded you that day that you need to be responsible with your snacks.  You explained "I gave it to Max.  He didn't have a snack because he gave his to Leah, so I gave him mine."   Stopped me dead in my tracks... and my heart exploded on the spot.  My boy, never lose your kindness... never lose your heart.

You are such a helpful boy, and always have been.  Whenever it snows, you shovel our sidewalk and often our driveway.  And then you head to the two neighbors houses and shovel their sidewalks.  Even if its only 1/2" of snow.   The other day Mr. Steve's dog Dexter was loose before school.  You threw on my Uggs, a coat and ran out to get him and take him home.  Never mind it was 5* out, or windy and cold.   You came back and said your feet were frozen because my boots had fallen off of you.   Later that evening Mr. Steve told daddy to thank you for bringing Dexter back.  And he told him that Dexter had drug you through the 3' snow drift between our driveways, and that's how you lost your boots.  Oh my goodness we laughed so hard!

You're very interested in becoming a Police Officer when you grow up.  I can definitely see this happening!  You love to be bossy and try to make people follow the rules.  Especially Hudson and Amelia!  You're a true oldest child, that's for sure!

This year I've noticed some new traits in you.  Well, maybe they're traits you've always had, but they're just blossoming more now that you're getting older.  Your teacher mentioned to me one day that "he remembers being the shy kid in class too" meaning... he could empathize with you being quiet and shy in class.  This stopped me dead in my tracks.  Porter?  Shy?  No way.  But the more I watch you in class, the more I observe you at school, you are reserved. And quiet.  And I wouldn't go so far as to say shy but you aren't the loud, boisterous, obnoxious boy we see at home.   You're still friendly and outgoing, but you have this reserved peace about you.   You're a good kid... a dependable one in class.  You are proud of your accomplishments, and kind to others.

You can still be kind of sneaky though.  One Thursday while I was volunteering at school, you came down to Hudson's class at 2:45, a whole 15 minutes before I usually take you guys out of school on my volunteer days.  I asked what you were doing and you said you'd asked to use the bathroom and then "just decided it was close enough to the end of the day I'd come down and see if you were ready."  I shooed you back to class and as you walked by, one of the teachers at school said "Is he your son?"  I told her yes.  She said "I just love him!  He is such a neat kid. We have some great conversations.  He's a good kid."   I am telling you, Porter... that made me so so proud.  I was beaming.

This year has been challenging with you as you've started to lie to us.  Its not usually anything serious, but we catch you in lies quite often.  I'm not sure if it is a stage, or if its just your age, but oh my.... I can't wait for it to be over.  We've stressed over and over how important it is to tell the truth, and that we are family and we don't lie to each other.    Still, we will catch you in fibs.  A lot of times it is sneaky things like... Daddy told you not to take anymore hotwheels outside so you told him you were going to go upstairs to play legos.  You came back down with some hotwheels stuffed in your pocket and Daddy busted you.  You told him "I changed my mind and decided I didn't want to play legos."  Yeah... still doesn't mean you don't have to listen to what he told you earlier!   Porter, Porter, Porter.  

You still love football best out of your sports.  You enjoyed wrestling and you seem to really enjoy baseball as well.    I'm excited for your new adventure with Cub Scouts this year- I think this will be right up your alley.

Porter, I know sometimes I can forget how sensitive you are.  And sometimes... okay, a lot of times... I can be really hard on you and expect a lot from you.   There are times I realize I've crushed you and I apologize and I feel terrible.  I pray that you will always remember that I'm only human, and I love you so much even though there are times I know you think otherwise.  I know the road ahead has many ups and downs and there will be times you don't like me at all, and times you'll think I'm against anything you stand for.  But Porter, please always remember I love you so much and I'll always be proud of you, and always be your biggest fan.

Love, Mama.

strange sound of silence

The boys had their first sleepover tonight.  They didn't have school today so I dropped them off at 2 this afternoon.  They're staying with friends of theirs who are brothers the same age as P and h.  Perfect situation for Hudson's first sleepover!

The house has been strangely quiet and unchaotic.  So this was what it was like when we just had porter.  What was so difficult about this parenting gig when it was just one toddler???  

Even though the quiet and the brief break from the boys had been nice... I miss them.  Before bed I peeked into their rooms.... Clothes in a pile, books on their bed from rest time this afternoon, Legos arranged on the night stand.  I missed the little boys who read those books and play with those Legos. I imagine this is what it is like once they move out.  Strangely quiet, yet they are still here in the things they left behind. 

It reminds me to slow down and cherish these days.  The words "someday you'll miss this" ring loud in my head.  Yes.  Yes I will.   Time is going by so fast. This is confirmed by the lovies they left behind... Hudson didn't take his mine mine or ChaChat his frog, and Porter didn't take blue blankie or his panda. It makes me realize... They're growing up.  They're slowly shedding their shell of childhood.  They're leaving behind remnants of their toddler years and blossoming into independent, brave boys.  

I guess I'll have to snuggle with Panda and mine mine tonight.  I bet they're missing those boys too.  

let's talk nicknames

I always find it funny how kids get nicknames.... I know some people specifically pick out their kids' nicknames and that's what they call them.   Us, however, we've somehow ended up with very random, off the wall nicknames for our kids.

PORTER....
He goes by Poe quite often (and even requested in school to be called Poe... I was shocked when I went in to his class to help out and everyone was referring to him as Poe!) When he was littler we called him P-Man but that didn't stick for much longer than his baby years.   He doesn't have too odd of nicknames, but we do call him things like Duder, Poe-Sniggety, Poe-Ev,  Poe-D.... uhmmm... that's about it.

HUDSON...
This boy has quite the slew of random nicknames. Bess is the most common... Bess and Bessie.  It started when he was a baby and Porter started calling him Hudson Bessie out of the blue.  And it stuck!  So, don't be surprised if you hear us call "Hey Bess!"  or "Bessie come here!"   It just is natural... but soo soo odd.  We also call him Bessie Boo, BesserNater, Snugger, Snugmeister, Sugar Bear

AMELIA
Her most common nickname is AJ by family members, but we also have somehow given her the nickname Tee or Tee-Tee.  The only thing I can think of is that it morphed from Sissy (Sissy --> Tissy --> Tiss Tiss --> Tee Tee).  Tee/Tee-Tee has turned in to Teeter Totter.  I kid you not.  We call our baby girl Teeter Totter.  AmerJamer (AymerJaymer) and AJ Bada BayJay is another.  Ry calls her Smunchkin.  Sissy and Sissy Boo or Sis are pretty common as well.  When I was pregnant I'd wanted to have her nickname be Mela/Mila (mee-lah) or Meels or Meelie.  But... that hasn't sprouted out yet.  Maybe once she's gets a little older?  We didn't start calling Porter Poe until he was 3 or so.   We shall see!

So... what are your kids' nicknames?

he's running away.... sarcastically

I just noticed a new sign on porters door.... He obviously put this up the other day when he was mad at us about something and said he was going to New York. We gave him our blessing and said have fun! Given that he was upset when he was "running away" for whatever indecencies we were imposing on him, I'm not sure if the first part should be read with sarcasm or not. He is his parents son, after all.

(I did ask if he was being for real about us being a great parent and he seemed baffled that it could mean anything other than what he wrote... so I'm assuming he wasn't being sarcastic. Whew!)

The dirty rotten truth about parenthood

You know how when you have a newborn and the nights are sleepless, you're worried sick because you don't know this little being that is in your home, you're terrified that you're doing something wrong... you don't know what they want or need... you pray you're doing it right?

And they all say... hang in there... it gets easier.

And it does.  

And then it gets harder.  

That sweet baby turns into a mobile toddler and then suddenly you feel like you're trying to tame a feral cat with 8 legs in your home.  They climb the kitchen chairs, they play in the toilet, they eat remnants of food that have been forgotten in the corner for who knows how long, they can't communicate with you, they don't understand or follow directions, they don't sit still for more than 4 seconds.  You feel like pulling your hair out.... you're sure you're going to run away from home... you're sure they're going to knock themselves out if they fall and hit their head yet AGAIN. 

And they all say... hang in there... it gets easier. 

And it does. 

And then it gets harder. 

That crazy little toddler turns into a demanding preschooler and you feel like a mini tyrant has moved into your home.   Directions are met with defiance.  Tantrums come out of thin air.  You feel like you're living with Jekyll and Hyde the number of times your child changes faces in a day... you're pretty sure you're going crazy and are going to need to be admitted to the mental ward... that or join an AA meeting.  

And they all say... hang in there... it gets easier. 

And it does. 

And then it gets harder. 

That demanding preschooler turns into an elementary child and you realize you have this independent, mini person living in your house.  They have needs and wants and feelings and emotions that they aren't sure how to deal with.  They are exhausted from school and are navigating friendships and demands of responsibility and face mood swings and persist for independence.  You feel like you have a teenager in your home with all the mood swings.  You're pretty sure you're failing at every aspect of parenting.  You cry when you see your baby frustrated and you aren't there with them all day to know every side to every story, and you don't know exactly how to help them solve all the problems in their little world. 

And they all say... hang in there... it gets easier. 

I only pray, pray pray pray so hard that it gets easier.  I know it'll get harder in some other way, but this phase we're in right now stinks.  

Porter has been having a really, REALLY rough year in 2nd grade.  I started noticing it right away.  By the 3rd week of school his teacher called home and told me.... "Porter got an automatic RED "non-negotiable" on Monday because he pinched his friend Derek.  Our rules are that when students get 2 they get a call home" (cue... oh shit... he's calling home... that means he got ANOTHER!)  His second automatic RED "non-negotiable" was that he told someone he was going to punch them.  Now... not trying to defend him because I 100% agree that laying your hands on another student or threatening them is a non-negotiable and needs to be handled appropriately.  But... knowing Porter, he jokes with those kind of things all the time... and says it in a playful way.  The classmate he said he was going to punch was a friend he'd been begging me to call his mom because they wanted to have a play date.  So, I halfway think that I haven't done a very good job at setting boundaries that things like that can't be joked about... that sometimes people can feel like you mean it for real.  Parent fail.  

And then... my bright, intelligent, sensitive, energetic, often obnoxious child has turned into this emotional mess.  Some days he comes home from school angry as a lion... ready to pounce on whoever looks at him wrong.  These days are goners... there's no turning them around.  Other days he's this sweet, helpful boy... the boy I know and love. 

Sometimes I feel like I don't get enough focused time with the boys... they're gone all day until 4, and then I have to get dinner ready while dealing with the tyrant toddler (see above description) who is dead set on destroying the house.  After dinner we clean up, then the boys take showers and they're usually in bed by 7:30 or 8.  I try hard to spend some quality time with each of them at bedtime but some nights I'm just done....  some nights I just can't take anymore arguing or defiance or attitude.  Some nights I can't bring myself down to approaching them calmly so I just bail altogether.  Some nights I suck. 

Today was one of those days... he came home angry.  Mad.  Raging.  I could tell something was just boiling inside him ready to explode.  I figured it was lack of sleep.  At bedtime he couldn't even make the choice between running pants or jeans for school tomorrow he was so pent up with frustration and anger.  He started bawling and it all came out. 

... "E" doesn't like Legos anymore. He doesn't like to play Legos.  

... No one will play with me at recess... I ask and no one will let me play with them. 

... I never get picked by the daily class helper to help them.  No one ever picks me. 

... I get reset sometimes... I try hard but I mess up.  

... I'm a geek.  I was always born to be a geek.  That's what my brain says.  

... I feel like a piece of chalk being broken in half.  That's how sad I am inside, Mom.   I feel like I'm someones favorite piece of chalk and they're breaking me in half.  

 ... I tried talking to E last weekend about how he hurts my feelings and asked him why he doesn't want to play with me at recess. He told me he only wants to spend time with N.  

... I cry at school all the time.  Sometimes its because I miss you.  Sometimes its because no one wants to be my partner.  

My heart... my heart is breaking.  *I* feel like that piece of chalk... listening to my baby pour his heart out to me.   I know he is hurting. He has told me before he feels so much pressure this year with school work.  I get it... 2nd grade really is the transition from K/1 of learning the ropes to moving onto 3rd grade and really buckling down.   I'm not at school with him so I don't know exactly what is going on with his friends. He is SUCH a friendly boy so it just blows my mind that he is saying he doesn't feel like he has any friends.  This kid literally talks to ANYONE.  He's friends with so many kids, and doesn't hesitate to say hi to kids on his bus or in other classrooms when he sees them at the grocery store or wherever.  

But... he can also be a bit obnoxious, and lose sight of when enough is enough.  So part of me wonders if he's getting too caught up in himself and turning people off from being wanting to be around him. Part of me wonders if he's just blowing it out of proportion because his friend aren't playing what HE wants to play (we did have a talk about that... some of his friends play football at recess and he doesn't like to play with him... but I've encouraged him to TRY it one day, and see if he likes it... because his FRIENDS want to do it, not because its exactly what he wants to do.)  Part of me wonders if this is a friend/jealousy/being left out situation.  Part of me wants to just pull him from school and homeschool him.  HAHA.... huge joke... but for reals... this Mama just wants to mend his broken, angry heart.  

Please tell me it gets better.  Please Lord, help me help him.  Help me help his hurt.  

One moment

There are many moments throughout the day start to nag away at my patience, my thoughts and my views.  There are many moments I dwell on that don't deserve my time- moments that don't define my children, yet I start to let them draw the outlines of them and fill them in.  These moments start to sink me... I begin to focus on the negative.  I begin to feel helpless, lost.  

And then there are these single moments that bring everything into perspective.  They erase the lines of negativity and fill up my heart with the true character that encompasses my child.   This was one of these moments.... I found Porter in his room, sitting quietly, patiently (this child, it seems, rarely is quiet or still), waiting for Cooper to finish eating his breakfast. See,  Cooper can be a picky eater, and there are times Duncan kicks him aside and takes his food.  Porter took it upon himself to bring Coop up to his room, with his food, and feed him there as he looked on.  This boy, oh my heart, this boy is so loving, and kind, and compassionate and caring.  He is so many wonderful things.  I choose to remember these.  

Fishin'

Porter stayed the night with my mom one night.  He got to spend some time fishing with my grandpa.   My grandpa is such an entertaining man when you sit and talk with him. He has the funniest stories-some I'd never dream of talking about but he is just so funny about it.

Porter caught quite a few fish and even a 12" catfish!   He had so much fun.  I'm not really into fishing so I'm glad he was able to fish with someone who enjoys it.  

My animal lovin' boy

Porter has been asking me when he can volunteer at the Humane Society/Animal Shelter since spring break (he watched Animal Planet and saw a commercial about the homeless pets and was so sad about it). I finally called and he has to be 16 :( He's going to be so bummed!  We've been talking about doing some kind of fundraiser to help raise food, cat litter, toys, towels and money to donate to the animal shelter. 

This boy always amazes me with his huge heart.  It always seems like the most unsuspecting times his tenderness shines through.  He really is so incredibly sweet and sensitive, once you get inside that rambunctious, all-boy exterior! 

Lately he's been really into stuffed animals.   The last month of school or so he took one of his stuffed dogs to school with him in his backpack.  He would tuck him in so his head was sticking out.  Then, a few weeks ago our neighbors had a garage sale and he brought home a little Dalmatian stuffed dog.  He named him Spot and has been toting him along everywhere.   Last week he and Hudson turned two large (LARGE) boxes into dog houses and he tucks his dogs in to sleep every night.  The other day we went to Ikea with my mom.  He fell in love with this huge stuffed dog and suckered my mom into buying him for him.  He's been playing with that nonstop since he brought him home.  He takes "Samson" outside with him, on the trampoline, in the treehouse, etc.  At night he makes him a bed next to him with a pillow and blanket.   Love it love it love it.  

One in a million

Rows of tables lined the cafeteria, filled with anxious parents and their soon-to-be 2nd graders.  A large cake adorned a side table, frosting spelling out "Second Grade Here We Come."  As the slideshow started, so did the fight to hold back tears as my throat tightened watching my oldest child's school days unfold before my eyes on the large screen.  I've been on both sides of this- I've been the teacher (ahem, lit coach) sending off the students at the end of the year, proud to show them through pictures just how I saw them throughout the year, and choked up with mixed emotion of relief that we had finally made it through the school year, yet sadness that it was indeed finally over.  They were parting from me.  Because of this, I could empathize with her, and knew exactly how she felt as she choked up talking to us.  As a parent, I was so incredibly thankful that she took the time- that she cared so much- to document the long days that my son was away from me.  The moments captured are irreplaceable and priceless to me.   I will forever be thankful.

In just 3 short days I'll be the mom of a 2nd grader.   This baffles me.   In a way I'm so excited for summer to start so the kids and I can have fun together (it is so strange during the school year to do fun things with just Hudson and Amelia- I feel like we're leaving Porter out), but in another sense I'm so sad that this year is ending.

Porter was definitely blessed with an amazing, goes far above and beyond teacher this year.   I sat in the cafeteria tonight thinking of how stupid I would have been if I'd moved him out of the class he was assigned because another student was in there that I wanted him separated from.   He would have missed out on all of this.  He would have missed out on her touching his life with her memories, kindness, knowledge, strictness, expectations and encouragement.   For the last 3 weeks of school she made a balloon garland.  Each balloon contained a fun activity for the kids to discover after popping the balloon of the day.   Every day I picked Porter up he was excited to tell me what fun was awaiting in the balloon that day.  They had ice pops, had a sidewalk chalk coloring outside, flew kites (everyone got their own kite), played card games and got bouncy balls to play with at extra recess- to name a few.   Truly amazing that she went out of her way to make the last 3 weeks truly memorable, and went through the trouble of organizing and planning daily activities.

After the slideshow (which she had burned a disc for every student), she presented us with memory books that the kids had helped make throughout the year.  I. Was. Shocked.   This book is amazing.   It has 25 page protectors chock full of picture collages and writings from throughout the year and art projects and handprints and questionnaires.   The time put into this-  I can't even imagine.

So, this week will be bittersweet as we say goodbye to a truly one of a kind teacher- she has definitely touched our lives in an indescribable way.

 

Awana Fun Night

Another year of Awanas come and gone.   The boys had awards last week.  Porter was like 3 verses away from finishing his book.   Hudson earned many patches this year.

I'm so glad we switched churches/Awanas programs.  Bethel's Awanas program is so much more organized (though it is across town instead of just down the road), and has many more activities for the kids.  They earn their patches and jewels in a more timely manner as they complete verses and sections in their books.   Each week they have a different theme for kids to participate in (such as- wear your favorite cartoon character, nerd night, bring something you can fit in your pocket, and dress like a present for Jesus).

We almost didn't attend the fun night as Hudson was invited to a birthday party and Porter had baseball.  However, we let them decide what they wanted to do and they chose Awanas.

This was also Hudson's last year of Cubbies.  So sad!  Next year he'll be in Sparks with Porter.

The cubbies did stations for their fun night.... they had a bounce house, balloon man, make a cement stepping stone, face painting and shaving cream toy hunt.   I was really impressed with how much time and effort was put into the activities!    Porter's group did some kind of stations as well, with different carnival type games as well as a craft station and ice cream sundaes and popcorn.