long overdue overwhelmed overspill

Does that make any sense?   I feel like I'm in such a rut lately... all kinds of ruts.  Like... everything seems to be spiraling out of control.

My kids keep growing up.  Faster and faster... day by day. And it KILLS me.  I've been in one of those super emotional moods lately where every freaking thing makes me want to cry.  I watch videos shared on FB and they make me cry.  Clips of kiddos singing songs make me cry.  Stories about babies make me cry.  Pictures of my friends daughter in her new big girl bed (who is only a few months older than Amelia) make me cry.  Every. Single. Thing.

And then the boys... oh they can drive me up the fricking wall and melt my heart in the same day. Sometimes within the same hour.  Or 5 minutes.  I was looking at a Garnet Hill catalog and on the back was a lady in a swimsuit.  A cute, pretty modest swimsuit.  The boys were all "Oh gross... don't look on the back! There's some random lady in a swimsuit!"  I asked why that was gross (because seriously... its Garnet Hill... it was a retro-styled tankini HAHA!).  They said "Random stranger women wearing bathing suits are gross to boys, Mom."  I asked... what about on the beach?

P:  "No... well, random women are gross in bathing suits.

H:  "Except our mom.  You're not gross."

P: "Yeah, you're not gross to us, mom.  You're pretty."

And I kid you freaking not... I had to walk out of the room I was tearing up so badly!  (Serious... I'm about crying right now).   You see... I feel so DISGUSTING about myself right now.  I know I should love myself no matter what I look like but you guys... this work at home mom stuff is not good for a body.  Especially when time is limited... everyone needs something and who has time to fit in a workout when there is computer work to be done???  I'm the heaviest I have EVER EVER been (not-pregnant).  And I just feel gross about myself.  I try not to talk bad about my body in front of the kids but I know I do.  But, just to hear them say those simple words..."You're not gross to us...."  "You're pretty."  I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry.  This simple little conversation with them I doubt they will EVER remember, and surely never would think it was very significant.  But it was to me.

See... see... emotional hot mess over here!!!  *raises hand*

Work.  Ohhh this is my nemesis.  I love love love the job I've fallen into. I love what I do.  I love the flexibility.  I love everyone I've met. I love being the "manager" of a team of over 700 business people *on my team alone* and helping them find success and working with them toward one single goal.... to share essential oils with the world.  However, this title doesn't come without its burdens.  I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, that there's something else needing to be on my to do list.  I'm constantly feeling like I've left someone out, or not reaching out to someone who might need a note of encouragement.  Top that off with some huge changes that our entire Lemon Dropper team is going through in the next few months... I'm losing it.  I and a handful of my other leaders on my team are working to open up a new "Lounge" (called the Lemon Aid Library) that will be for customers to learn about essential oils... how to use them, what works for what etc.  So, we're crunching quickly toward our deadline to launch, and have so many legalities to work out so we don't get our asses sued if someone decides they took some advice from the Library and had bad results from it.

And then my damn wrist.  Ugh.  This winter has just sucked.  I'm close to 6 weeks into physical therapy and STILL don't have full control of my wrist... I can't lift things, I have limited range of motion, my scar HURTS LIKE HELL and its just... uncomfortable.  Not to mention twice a week physical therapy is cramping my schedule, and I've had to ask my grandma to babysit more than I like to rely on her.  And Lacey... my poor horse.... I'm paying $350/month to board her where I can ride during the winter in the indoor arena and I can't even freaking ride right now!!   I haven't even been out to see her since the day I broke my wrist-- Jan 2.  Thank GOD I love the place she is at... and I know she's being SO well taken care of.  The weather this winter has been SO cold I just haven't had the ambition to go out there and risk injuring my wrist even further.  I know I don't have the strength to tighten her girth, even if I were just taking Porter out to ride.  :(

I know... what a whiny post.  I just am feeling so overwhelmed lately.  I hate change, I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate being all emotional and crazy feeling.  I guess I just needed to write it all out... and see that this is just a blip in time... this too shall pass.  It will. Life is amazing, for the most part.... I just have to keep looking on the bright side.

More time

Since the holidays I feel like I've been in a never ending grumpy slump.  I feel like I have normal days where I feel great- I'm patient with the kids, I am productive, optimistic and happy.  And then I have days on end where I feel antisocial, grumpy, short of temper, irritable and critical.  I can't really pinpoint what's going on... I feel like I'm having a setback, I'm falling back to old habits and not using skills I've worked so hard at building up.

I promise you the world again

Everything within my hands

All the riches one could dream

they will come from me

I've been decluttering and cleaning and I know, from past experience, that this is a coping mechanism.  I do this when I feel out of control.  It is something I can control and get instant gratification from when I feel like other things are beyond my control.  I can't pinpoint what, though, or what has set me off.

I know part of it has to do with the season.  It's winter.  We don't have any snow so its ugly, dead and grey out.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Business is slow.  Wait, no.  Non-existant.  Which stresses me out.  I refuse to give up, but I can't help but feel defeated at the moment.  We have big plans for this year and I'm uncertain as to how those plans will pan out if my hard work and effort into my business does not pan out.   Ryan is stressed.  I am stressed.

I hope that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don't worry now

It will turn around

And honestly, our house is cluttered.  Just a month past the holidays and my kid again were over-blessed with toys galore.  Everywhere I look there are piles and stacks and bags and boxes of things that need to go here or there.

I'm failing miserably at managing a daily schedule.  I find I don't have time for the things I NEED to do, and I'm spending time on things that aren't a necessity.  I'm not spreading my time out... its gung ho on one thing and one thing only.  I'm failing at micromanaging.  This stresses me out.

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine. 

Something I have begun recently is Digital Project Life.  So far, 3 weeks in, I am feeling very accomplished and in control of one area of my life that I am desperate to stay on top of.  In addition to feeling good about 2013, I've been able to catch up with multiple weeks from 2012 within the past 2 to 3 weeks.  Sure, these layouts aren't as great as traditional paper layouts with all the artifacts and dimensional goodies, but they're done and I can print and put them in my albums.  I am hoping I can stay on top of this and try to keep it simple.  My family's memories are so important to me and so important to have printed and in an album.  The kids adore looking at their albums, too.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Here are a few of my pages I've created.   And, if you're interested in Digital Scrapbooking or Digital Project Life, shoot me an email (nic073 a-t- yahoo d-o-t com) and I'd love to fill you in on how it works!

Me, Myself and Irene

Please keep my Mom, Mike and everyone else on the NC coast in your thoughts (as well as everyone pretty much on the East Coast it appears....).   The eye of Hurricane Irene is heading straight for Emerald Isle and she just called this morning to let me know the police were patrolling and evacuating everyone by 8pm tonight.  From the Emerald Isle FB Page:

As of the 8 pm advisory, Hurricane Irene is currently centered approximately 420 miles due south of Emerald Isle, with sustained winds of 115 mph. Emerald Isle is expected to begin experiencing tropical storm force winds around 5 pm on Friday night, and experience hurricane winds by 10 am on Saturday. Based on the current forecast track, the eye of Irene is expected to make landfall near Emerald Isle at about 2 pm Saturday with sustained winds of 110 mph.




Ryan just called and he's been watching the radar online.  We're both worried... my mom (MOMMMMM!!) is tying down chairs and seems nonchalant about it.  Emerald Isle is oh, maybe 800m wide?  Its an island.   Its surrounded by water.  Its elevation... 10ft.  I'm betting not much will be left of the RV park she lives in.  Scary stuff.  
  

I don't dare tell Porter about this.  My mom called the other day and was in VA (Alexandria, right near DC) during the earthquake which hit a 5.9 on the richter scale.  Ryan and I made the mistake of talking about it at the campground to Dave and Lori and it freaked Porter out.  He had to call my mom and was worried there was a big crack in the ground where she was.  He watches so much informational tv- Storm Trackers, shark shows etc, he gets all into that stuff and then worries profusely about it.  He watches the sky all the time for storm clouds.  

I'll breathe easier after this weekend is over and pray-to-God everyone is safe.