wrist update

I met with Dr. Beekman today.... he was very knowledgeable and his staff was great! The first thing he said when he walked in was... "OUCH" (coming from a man that does hand surgery for a living...). 

Basically... my radius is broken at the joint, and is off set from where it should be. The end of my radius, where the joint is, is cracked in half. Bones are rubbing together and not in the places they should be (this is after being "reset" last Thursday.) 

(this is not my actual x-ray but pretty darn close to what it looks like.  Basically... everything is shifted to the left.  And my ulna has a piece chipped off of it,  and above where it says "fracture"... that bone is split down the middle as well)

So.... I have surgery scheduled for Friday morning to have a plate and screws put in my wrist. I will have to do weekly therapy and will be unable to ride for 6-8 weeks  He said it could be 6 months to a year before I'm feeling full function of my wrist again. Good times, I tell ya!!

Pretty sure my frequent use of the motto "go big or go home" is biting me in the butt. I guess if you're going to jack your wrist up you might as well jack it up real good, right??

Our heat is finally back on.  The contractor didn't show up until close to 8pm but I'm thankful he was working late. I appreciate that people give up their evenings to help out others!  I hope he was being paid well.

The kids are on Snow Day 3.  It's like the Christmas vacation that never ends.... groundhog day!!!  Why can't these snow days come in like... February when I'm itching for some snuggly days with all 3 kiddos?  No..... let's have some snow days after 2 weeks of Christmas vacation.... gah!!  Combine that with my inability to do much of anything with my one good arm and I'm grumperella!!

2 for 2

After the past 5 days of sickness going through our house, and spending New Years Eve in the ER, I decided I needed to get the kids out of the house. I'd wanted to take them sledding but decided to go ice skating.  Bad idea.

Luckily, yesterday evening I decided to ask Sydney to come with us.  The boys can skate, as can I, but Amelia has never ice skated and she's only 20 months old so I wasn't sure she'd even be able to. So... I figured if she wasn't into skating at least Syd could skate with the boys while I wrangled Amelia.

We first headed out to the barn to drop off my board check.  Lacey's pasture buddy, Trey, is being boarded inside for January and February so I decided to have her brought inside as well since the weather has been icky.   She's getting old, too, so I know the cold weather will be getting harder on her.  And I also couldn't bear the thought of her outside all night, alone in the cold.  Anyhow, totally worth the extra $50 a month for peace of mind that she's cozy, warm and has company.

The boys... as we're going down a hill on the way to the barn. 

Amelia was adorable when we pulled into Crosswinds.  She started SQUEALING... so so cute.  She was squealing and saying "Horsey!  Yaycee!  Yaycee!!"  We parked and while I wrote out a check, Porter ran into the barn to use the bathroom and Amelia about lost it thinking she wasn't going to get to go in.  So, of course I had to take her in to see the horses.  She kept asking to see Lacey so we walked out to her paddock to see her.  I love that she loves horses!

The roads were bad, so we didn't pick up Syd and get to the ice rink until about 11:30.  We got everyone's skates on and got out on the ice.  Amelia was grinning ear to ear, and trying so hard to skate.  The boys took off, having fun.   Amelia and I made it halfway around the rink and I wanted to take some pictures.  I asked Sydney to stand with her while I deleted some pictures off my camera (because the card was full)

Out of nowhere I am hit from behind and I fly up in the air, I land on my back and hand, and see my camera flying across the ice.  Porter had run into me with the walker.  I knew immediately my wrist was broken.  I felt it crush.  I pulled it close to my body and began panicking.  Here I was, in the middle of the ice, a broken wrist, with a 1 year old, my babysitter and 2 boys, and my husband is home sick with influenza.  HOW am I going to get out of this??

Everyone was staring at me.  I yelled that I needed help and finally someone came out to help me up.  I told him my wrist was broke.  I knew it.  Syd carried Amelia off the ice and as I stepped off the ice the pain was unbearable and I began to get nauseous and the rink started to spin.  I didn't know what to do... I was panicking, in pain and thought I was going to pass out.

I sat down and started bawling.  I didn't want to move... my wrist hurt so bad.  Someone convinced me to move my hand and look at it and it looked like it was in the shape of a "z" it was so disfigured.  I knew it was bad.  This made me panic more.  The rest was such a blur... someone called my grandma, and the paramedics.  They checked me out and said to head to the ER or ride in the ambulance.  Syd had just got her drivers license so somehow I managed to arrange to have my grandma take the kids home in the van and Syd drive me to the ER in my grandmas car.  Someone took my skates off and helped me get my boots on.  It was all a blur and I was in so much pain, and crying a terrible ugly cry.  I wanted someone to give me pain medication.

At the ER I had finally calmed down, and they were able to help me out of my coat without too much pain.  They called my wrist a "positive deformity" HAHA!  Sydney and I were there for awhile and they finally got me in for x-rays and into a room with an IV.  They knocked me out and snapped my wrist back into place (somewhat) and I woke with a bandaged up arm.  Ry showed up after his doctors appt.  They took xrays again and said I'd likely need screws because the break was in the wrist joint and my bone was in 3 pieces. Great!!  So, tomorrow I'll have to call the orthopedic doctor and find out what is going on.  I am so thankful Sydney was with us.  She was such a huge help, and great support for me.

Porter feels terrible... my grandma said he was beating himself up for knocking me down.  Part of me thinks he did it on purpose, thinking he was being funny (not intentionally wanting to hurt me, of course, but immediately after we got on the ice he had ran into Hudson and Amelia's walkers just trying to be funny, and I warned him not to run into people.  Not 10 minutes later he runs into me... coincidence??)  Anyhow, I feel bad because I totally scolded him when I fell... I growled at him that THIS is why you don't run into people!  (and then likely something like "oh shit oh shit my wrist is broke.  its broke! oh my god what am i going to do!")  I keep telling him it was an accident and I know he didn't mean for me to get hurt.  But part of me wants him to realize the severity of his actions when he's goofing around, but he's so scared hearing I might need surgery and he keeps saying "If I didn't knock into you you wouldn't need to have surgery would you mom?"  Poor guy!!

So anyhow.... 2014 is starting out GREAT.... we spent NYE and the wee morning of Jan 1 in the ER, and back to the ER on Jan 2!  And remember last year we spend the beginning of 2013 in the ER with Porter?  Oh boy.  Let's not make THIS a tradition!

technology hates me this week.

1. Amelia tosses my not even 6 month old iPhone across the doctor's office and SHATTERS the screen. Like... chunks of glass falling out.

2. My external harddrive decides to become unrecognizable to my computer. Still waiting for DiskWarrior to rebuild that drive. Praying for a success!

3. My printer has decided to bail on me too. Says "there is a problem with the ink cartridges" but Rapid Refill has checked them. Looks like I'll be taking it in tomorrow and either getting a new one or paying to have it fixed. 

Bad luck comes in 3's.... right???

the week from hell

Somehow, my husband leaves town for a week and my world starts to fall apart.  Hmm.  

Ryan was sent to Seattle for a week for training for a new saw his company was purchasing and he would be responsible for programming.  I usually don't mind him being gone, and was not worried at all about having a week without him. 

I quickly began to wish he was home asap. 

Let's see... 

Before Ryan left, I got a phone call from my mom that her Uncle George (far left) had passed away suddenly at home.  He is my grandma's brother, and he lives just a couple miles from us.  I remember spending many holidays and events at he and Aunt Pat's house when I was a child.  My favorite memories there are fishing off the dock or pontoon, their pet squirrel "TreeLake" and their two dogs Max and Maggie.  For the past 4 years or so we've spent 4th of July at their house on the lake.  I'm so thankful for these annual memories!

Because Uncle George passed away, mom had to get a quick flight into MI from DC.  I usually pick her up, so no big deal... Amelia and I set off to Lansing to pick her up, even killing an hour in the Salvation Army.  We get to the airport and I decided to go in since Amelia had been in the car for awhile already.  We were just hanging out, running around and waiting for my mom.

Here's Amelia... having a blast...

Until I realized we were at the wrong airport.

My FB status:

So we went to the Lansing Airport to pick my mom up today..... She flew into Detroit. #theuniversehatesme

Luckily my sister in law lives not far from the Detroit airport and our truck was there from Ryan leaving for Seattle.  (we usually park at her house and then have her drop us off at the airport).  So, she picked my mom up and my mom drove the truck home. 

And then... the dogs.  OhHhhh the dogs.  

My FB status:
The dogs took off again. My day can't possibly get worse can it? Their new escape plan is breaking the wood privacy fence to get out. As you can see, we have already patched it twice. I seriously hope they get hit by a car and die. But with my luck they'd just be seriously injured. In this case, I'm calling someone with a gun to shoot them. I'm over it.

And well, then I ended up with an Instragram hater. 

FB status:
I love people that don't get me. Susan check your mail.... Two dogs will be coming Fed Ex to ya! They had the audacity to come back home at 1:30am barking, after I was cozy in bed. #mydogsaredouches

Next FB Status:Not only did they come home sopping muddy with swamp water at 1:30am, but they also tore up the garbage I had sat outside the front door to take out in the morning. Hope you enjoyed diapers for dinner because if you're not home at dinner time you don't eat. House rule. @susanguckel keep an eye out in the mail for 'em. Ill send the garbage with them. They may get hungry on the trip. #mydogsaredouches

And then on Tuesday... remember how my mom drove Ryan's truck home?  Well she parked it at the very end of the driveway--- where I'm not used to having it parked.  And so I did a very Nicole-Thing to do....

My week keeps getting better and better! Backed into Ryan's truck in my own driveway. If I don't shoot myself I'm sure he is going to. #theuniversehatesme#thisweeksucks

Later that day:
Who has a voodoo doll of me? I'm taking bets on whether or not this turns into something serious this week. Ughhhh

. 

And even later that day:
The dogs escaped again. Busted more boards. And killed our neighbors 6 chickens and 2 turkeys. What. The. Hell. I don't know what to do.

Wednesday:
Is this hand, foot, mouth!?!?  I wish I were making this up. I'm ready to crawl in a hole and hide until Ryan comes home Saturday. ughhhhhhhh.

Thursday:
This would be the icing on my hell-week cake. Lice in the classroom. Gahhhhhhh!!!!

I hate snow days + mommy has a potty mouth

Disclaimer:  If you're judgemental, offended by cuss words or mommy rants, can't take some "real life irritation" or you live in rainbows and puffy heart land and ride your skittle shitting unicorn to the grocery store with your halo toting children, then I suggest you skip right on over this post.  Or at least refrain from commenting any holier than thou words.

I fucking hate snow days.  Ok.  Not really but today I do.  The roads are not bad.  And combine that with a 4 day weekend last weekend (MLK day + snow day), I am sick of being stuck inside the house with 3 kids because it is colder than the arctic outside.   Mama has shit to do and it doesn't get done when kids are home!!!

This morning... ugh.   Kids bouncing off teh walls.  It snowed but... by 10am it had warmed up and the snow was a nice thick blanket of slush and the sidewalks had puddles. Tell me again, why did we have a snow day??

Amelia did not nap this morning.  Fine.  Whatever.   I got the kids lunch (pb&j + apple slices with cinnamon... in which they barely touched but then Porter came waltzing in the kitchen 10 minutes after tossing his lunch eating a whole apple. GRRRRR)

I require rest time.  I don't give a shit if they're 2 years old or 7.  They get rest time.  I NEED REST TIME.   I can only take so much whining, fighting, furniture jumping and pantry raiding.  This rest time is more for me than them.

I put the baby down.  Score.  Read the boys a book.  Tucked them in.  Teeth brushed, everyone peed, radios on and everyone has a couple books to look at.  I nicely tell them that they MUST be quiet, stay in bed and read and for the love of all things holy if they dare wake their sister up I'll kick their asses.  Ok.  I didn't say that but was totally thinking it.

3 times I head back up there to find out why the hell it sounds like they're doing acrobatic in their rooms.  The first time I tuck them back in and close doors.   2nd time I tell them they're about halfway done.  3rd time I find curtains all open, doors open, kids not resting.  I tell them they just earned their half hour back and are back to an hour.

A few minutes later... I hear footsteps.  I yell up to them to get in bed.   10 minutes later I hear the baby crying.   UGHHHHH.  I go up and the boys are rifling through a stack of books I had on the dresser outside Amelia's room to pack away.  "We're just getting books to read' say the passive aggressive little assholes.  Right.  Because you each have bookshelves in your room with no less than 200 books each.  Don't give me that shit.   I herd them into their rooms, growl some threats through my teeth and slam their doors.  The baby is already up so why not add the little extra touch of drama.

I swear to goodness.  Next time I'm going to tuck them in, grab a belt, give them a swift smack on their asses so they know I mean business, and then I won't have to waste an hour shuffling kids back to bed.

I need to get the hell away.  I really, really do.

Total and utter Mom fail this morning.

I'm in desperate need of a chiropractor visit but unfortunately mine isn't in the office today. I can feel it in the left side of my neck and my left hip. Knots and pinching and if like to twist my neck around and just snap that knot!

I spent most of the night tossing and turning because Hudson ended up in bed with us for the 3rd time last night. Despite returning him to his bed twice.

This morning I couldn't function. Hudson woke at 6:00 whining that he was starving. Well of course- you refused to eat dinner last night! Ryan kept hitting snooze on his alarm and I just wanted him to get the hell out of bed so I could have room to stretch out.

Somehow I ended up asleep again, and woke at 7 to find my phone missing. Porter had it downstairs playing a game. I confiscated it and put a passcode on it and told him to get dressed. I went back to bed for what I thought would be a few minutes.

I woke and it was light outside. I came downstairs to find Porter dressed, coat and shoes on, packing his bag and ready to head to school. It was 8:15- the neighbor would be picking him up any second! I opened the front door to see her pull up and open the backdoor for him.

I kissed him and zipped up his bag, apologized for sleeping so late and told him to have a great day and that I loved him.

I love my independent boy. He is amazing. But I feel terrible I was totally absent this morning. 

Mom. Fail.

Fruck fruckety fruck. That's all.

I'm sad I didn't blog this morning.  I had so many thoughts running through my head about feelings I had about parenting.  Good feelings.  I had so many things to say, that I'd been thinking, about how I wished my kids would stay little and how I wish I could be a parent to young kids forever...

It's unfortunate I didn't blog this morning, and I hope that those good thoughts and feelings become the foremost thoughts in my mind sometime soon again.   It is unfortunate, because right now the only thing I can think about my kids- my sons, that is- is how disgusted and embarrassed I am by their behaviors today.  If punching a kid in the face was an appropriate form of punishment, I'd have been right in line to do that.

So I'm sitting here, in the basement, with a margarita and my computer.  I had to remove myself from the presence of my two rude little devils.   I've never in my life been so embarrassed by them. Okay, maybe that time Ryan and I flew to Florida with Porter at 17months and he screamed bloody murder like the exorcist for 45 minutes of the flight.  That was understandable, forgivable, even.  Their behavior today?  Disgusting.

Where do I start?  Let me get the "excuses" out of the way.  Last night they were up until past 10pm.  They rarely ever stay up that late, and we let them because they were watching a movie with Ryan in the basement.  And they didn't have nap or rest this afternoon, which they probably really really needed seeing they were lacking sleep the night before.  But those excuses are not excuseable.  Not for the way they acted today.

My friend Barbie invited us to the lake to ride on their pontoon boat. She and her husband Simon have been good friends of mine for years- I used to babysit their kids, who are now in high school and college. She's watched me grow up from a teenager to an adult, and I have watched her kids grow from babies to, well, adults now!  Joining them on the boat were their neighbors, the Osterbergs, and their 3 kids- who are 7, 5 and almost 2.  Ryan was in a rotten mood all morning so I decided to leave him at home to stew and brood over whatever he was stewing and brooding over.  I packed up all 3 kids and we headed out to the lake around 2pm.

I didn't have a hesitation in the world about taking the 3 kids on my own.  I do this all the time.  They know their manners, they know how to mind, they know how to behave.  While there are times they act out, as kids do, there are rarely times I'm really, truly embarrassed by behavior that isn't typical kid behavior.

Today, oh my god.  Where do I start.  Hmm.  How about here.  My kids are assholes.  Yep.  You heard me.  Ass-Holes.  Call the parenting police, but Jesus H. I promise you if you'd been around them you'd think the same.  (I promise I don't call them that to their faces.  Only behind their backs. Bahaha!)

So we get out to the lake.   I'm lugging fifty-two thousand bags of swim gear and baby paraphernalia and a little cooler with a big fifth of margaritas for mama.  Oh and some drinks for the kids and a bag of animal crackers.  You know, essentials.  We get on the boat in 90* weather and it really, honestly, starts out like a wonderful fun afternoon.  I'm chatting with Judy and Barbie, the kids are acting like normal children.  At this moment you just might think the lake was a great idea.

We parked the boat and dropped anchor so everyone could jump in and swim (except mama heifer carrying an extra 30+lbs and couldn't even squeeze her stretch mark laden body into her mother-bathing-suit).  Then Porter begins the baby talk and whining.  Oh my flucking gawd the whining.  He couldn't utter a word without it sounding like "meeee weeehhhh weeehhhhh mehhhh"  or whatever the flip whining sounds like when you write it.  (pass me some more Tequila, please).  The whining was over everything.... he wanted to get in the lake, but the second he got near the water he was whining.  He wanted to get in the tube but then whined.  He wanted to go to shallow water.  He wanted someone to go in with him.  He wanted to drive the boat.  He wanted to go tubing.  He wanted to wear goggles.  The goggles were too tight.  He wanted to fly the frucking Air Force One plane and Obama wouldn't let him.  Can you whine about it?   Porter was doing it.  It was so damn bad that Simon even said to him "Why are you whining?  Do you know you sound like a 2 year old?"  That.  Bad.

And then the attitude started in.  Since Porter started school he occasionally gets this cocky, asshole type attitude.  Like a teenager.  Only a 6 year old is acting that way so its even doubly irritating because at least in a teenager you can blame some of it on hormones.  So Simon is trying to joke around with Porter, tickle him, etc... adn Porter is like "Dude, stop!  Dude!"  WTF.  DUDE!?!?  Are you serious right now?!  Then- shoot me dead right now- I caught the end of a scolding that (thank goodness) Simon was giving Porter for being rude... turns out Porter told him he wanted him to go in the water with him or he'd kick him.  So Simon said "Go ahead... kick me. But I'll kick you back."  I about died right there.

Hudson... well he wasn't AS bad, but we have GOT to get over the anti-speaking-when-in-presenece-of-unfamiliar-people.  There were numerous times where a "thank you" was warranted and Hudson refused to say it.  I mean, my kids know their damn manners.  They do.  I swear.  (yep.  I swear.  Literally.  Damn it they know their manners!!!).  Judy gave him a sandwich (bless her- she brought a whole container of sandwiches!) and I said to him "Isn't that nice of Judy?  What do you tell her?"  and he just glares at her.  GLARES.  FRUCKING GLARES.  So I prod him-  "Can't you tell her thank you?"  No dice.  Asshole. And there were a few times someone asked him a question (like... "HOw do you like your baby sister?") and he just glared.  What. The. Fruck.   I think I'm going to teach him sign language for Thank You, Yes and No because I swear to goodness he freezes up with unfamiliar (I say this because its not always "strangers"... but people he doesn't see often as well).  I know its his personality, and I hate saying "He's shy" because I don't want to label him, but I feel like I need to have an excuse for his lack of speaking.  UGHH.

So finally I asked them to take us back to the dock so we could leave.  I joked, awkwardly, about how I want to drop them off at home and run for the hills and that they might just find 2 kids in the parking lot when they get ready to leave... I was wholeheartedly serious though.  So.  Embarrassed.  I apologized numerous times and then, just to kick me when I'm down, Hudson accidentally walked into Amelia's carseat while Simon was carrying it to the van for me and Hudson yelled "OW!" in a rude way, not an "ouch that hurt..."  more of an "ouch asshole watch where you're going".  Jesus H.  Shoot me.

Once all of my van doors shut the tongue lashing began.  Oh my word... if they don't know I'm disappointed in their behavior then God help them as they navigate through life because they might as well be goners.  It was a looong SILENT ride home.

I cried a few tears, and mostly just felt dizzy with anger and disappointment (and possibly margaritas....).  I don't think I've ever felt so defeated and lost as a parent.  I just don't understand where their rudeness came from.  I mean, sure a slip here or there is acceptable.  But I kid you not, it was every single thing out of their mouthes that was rude or disrespectful or whiny.  We don't allow them to talk that way to people, to us, to adults.  And if you'd just have met my kids today you'd think they ran the roost here.  Not so at all.  I just... I'm so baffled and upset and mad.  Mad.  Pissed.  UGH.  UGHHHHHHHHH.

Grumpy

I'm grumpy today.
We woke up late, and I didn't hVe time to shower.
Porter had no clean underwear.
Neither did I.
So we are both wearing underwear that is slightly too small.
Hudson is wearing mismatched socks (a white one oh P's and a blue McQueen one) and he may or may not be going commando.
I found another pair of my maternity pants that Ryan dried. That makes 4 pairs this week, plus one shirt.
I am whittling down to nothing that fits.
I am wearing the same outfit I wore yesterday.
This is depressing.
I'm sick of being pregnant.
I left the house with no makeup on. Makes me feel even more disgusting on top of no shower, yesterdays clothes, enormously fat and skanky hair.
The scale at the doctors office hates me and I've gained 3lbs in 2 weeks.
I'm limping like an old person today. My left inner thigh joint is killing me every time I walk.
I feel like crying at my OB appt.
My iron count is low (11.6 and cut off is 11.3).
Maybe this is why I feel exhausted by lunchtime everyday?
Hudson and I are going to A2 today.
I'm going to attempt to find some maternity clothes at the resale shop.
There is a whole slew of places I'd like to stop at while in A2 but sadly I'm pretty sure I'll be too tired and achy to go to more than one or two stores.
11 more weeks to go.

Sent from my iPhone

Hell in the Air

(wait... didn't I write this post before??)

Want a good laugh?  Okay, I can laugh now but you know how it goes... in the moment you want to die.

SO let me recap my day for you, shall I?

Hudson... oh my dear sweet Hudson who shall be the ever-loving death of me.  All "vacation" (because omg so was not vacation with that little devil) he was so ridiculously rotten.  I kid you not.  Yes, I'm talking about my CHILD here.  And I can call him rotten if I want to because I love him to pieces but he's giving me friggin grey hairs here!

Pretty much everyday he had stomp your feet, throw the hot wheels car, take off my shoes in public, threaten to "break you into pieces" and "Momma I'm putting you in time out" tantrums.  And they were usually over something little, something that pissed him off but he just couldn't get a grip on himself and it just escalated to epic proportions.  Yes, EPIC proportions.

Wednesday at the beach my mom sent him back to the house because he was crying the whole time.  Mike drove the golf cart up to the beach and brought him back (where I was sleeping heavily because, hello, I'd been dealing with Toddler-Zilla all week).  I woke up, picked my jaw off the ground after realizing it was 11:22am (oh yeah) and decided to take him back up to the beach.  I thought, "Ohhh sometimes my mom can get frustrated with one of the boys when she has both of them... maybe if he has some one on one time with me he'll be fine at the beach."

Ha.  Ha.   Ha.

We zipped down to the beach and not even 5 minutes there he was throwing a fit about uhm... what?  I think it had something to do with him wanting me to sit by him or something, and then I tried to get him to go near the water (which he'd been LOVING the day before... riding the waves in and everything) but that pissed him off.  I tried to distract him with the dump truck and that worked for awhile, he drove it around but how DARE the dump truck get stuck in the sand??

We decided to walk down the beach a few houses (like 5 maybe?) and check out the sea turtle nest that had been roped off.  The walk down was ok, but the walk back... well Hudson stopped and wanted to be carried.  But he didn't want anyone to touch the dump truck.  Then he was "too tired" to push the dump truck but wouldn't let Porter help him.  So he stood there.  And cried.  I went back and pretty much dragged him back to the beach access for my mom's neighborhood and he cried the entire time.  CRIED.  SCREAMED.  Wouldn't not put his shoes on but what would you know, the sand was scalding so of course THAT set him off even more.

That's what I was dealing with all week, folks.

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO back to today.  The flight home. Well our morning was pretty uneventful.  Went on bumper boats, go carts, showered, had lunch at Michaelangelos and hit up a few consignment/salvation army type stores.  Went into one called New To You (which had a bit of antiques) and Hudson dropped a toy car on his foot and got ticked and threw it and that set off a tantrum and I overreacted because I'd just told Porter not to touch this $50 model plane and like, HELD HIS FACE in my hand and SPOKE IN HIS FACE that I DON'T CARE WHAT ITS SUPPOSED TO DO YOU ARE NOT TO TOUCH IT! And what does he do?  30 seconds later turns around and touches it. GOD DAMN!

We get to the airport... Hudson is crying because he's thirsty.  We get in line for security and he's refusing to stand by me so I pick him up and he screams and whines and wriggles and slaps me in teh face.  I told him he can get down if he stands beside me but if he walks away I'd pick him back up.  I set him down and he immediately walks away with this shit eating grin on his face.  So I pick him up.  And hell broke loose.  I attempted to set all our stuff on the conveyer belt with a writhing 3 year old in my arms.  He didn't want to take his shoes off so of course that made him even more angry.

We made it through security and I gathered all our stuff.  Hudson is still crying/whining/stomping his feet over who knows what.  We find a spot near the wall and away from a majority of the people and I tried getting down to his level and tried to get him to stop whining/stomping so I could find out what he needed/wanted.  He wanted a drink.  His truck was broken.  He wanted me to fix his truck.  Well, we went to get a drink to solve one problem.  The truck... well I had no idea.  Something was wrong with the wheels and he said they wouldn't turn.  I told him I couldn't fix it but he relentlessly kept whining and stomping and begging me to fix it.  It was time to board the plane and he didn't want to hold my hand (all this time whining and twisting from me and stomping his feet with this ugly scrunched up face).  I got a few stares (ok, a LOT of stares) from the soliders boarding the plane (this is near a military base) and a few sympathetic looks from older people/grandparents/parents.  Yeah, they'd been there, done that and felt it.

Hudson refused to move and I had to pick him up with my one free arm and carry him sideways around the waist, his legs kicking behind me.  I was wearing a 20+lb backpack plus my camerabag and purse and Hudson had on a backpack with toys in it. Did I mention we were boarding a small plane that we had to climb stairs to get onto? While carrying all this shit and a writhing screaming toddler?

We get on the plane and thank the Lord Porter had a nice middleaged man to sit next to on the plane (the seats were 2 and 2 across the aisles).  The guy kept Porter entertained while I tried to calm Hudson down because at this point he was mad about the WORLD.  He told me he wanted to break me into pieces so I'd blow away with the plane or something crazy like that.  I finally got him calmed down when I took away the "broken" truck and gave him a new truck I'd bought for them.  Holy hell it killed me to "reward" him but it shut him up and saved everyone else's sanity along with mine.  The flight was okay after that although he threw a minor tantrum getting off the plane.


Charlotte.

Ohhh Charlotte airport how I despise you.

We exited the plane at Gate E19.  Our tickets said gate B13.  ALLLL the way across the airport.  No biggie... we had almost an hour.  Except Hudson threw a fit the entire way through the airport.  He didn't want to hold my hand.... and on the moving walkways he wanted to walk then stand then walk and if we didn't read his mind he was pissed.  Uhhggghh.

We got to Terminal B and Hudson was crying still so I stopped and asked him what he needed. He was thirsty.  I looked at the time... 5:25.  We had about half an hour or so before takeoff.... I figured we'd be boarding soon.  We had a few minutes to get water.  We bought water then headed on to B13.  Except... the plane at B13 was going to SAN FRANCISCO.  I spun around and ran to the tv screen to check the Detroit flight.  Oh, of COURSE it was changed to Gate D1.  ALL the way back near Terminal E.

I picked up Hudson and tried RUNNING through the airport to catch this plane.  I knew if we missed it I'd die.  Or they'd die.  Or I'd be committed for having a mental breakdown.  I ran and shouted terms of encouragement to Porter who was straggling behind me.  "Good job Buddy!  Keep running!" *pant pant pant*.  I made it down to the entrance of Terminal B and was sweating. I flagged down a guy on a golf car type vehicle and asked him if he'd take us to D1.  He said he could take us to a "transfer" vehicle.  Then he pointed to this small golf cart that was packed full of 3 other people and had one seat left open.  He said "Yeah we have room for you, go get in"  WTF.  I had 4 bags and 2 kids plus myself... for ONE seat on a GOLF CART?  He let Porter sit up front and I blindly trusted no one would snatch him while Hudson and I sat in the back of this cart with our stuff piled on.  Hudson laid on my chest and I was so close to tears it wasn't funny.

We hopped off the cart near the food court and started running toward Terminal D.  I was carrying Hudson and I swear I thought my arm would fall off.  We then ran all the way to the END of Terminal D only to realize Gate D1 was at the beginning.  So we had to backtrack.

We made it just in time as they were boarding.  I was sweating SO bad.  I sat down on a chair to catch my breath adn when I stood up there was sweat on the chair. (I was wearing a dress... my legs were even sweating!!).  OMG sick sick sick.

The plane ride home...ohhhh my kids were obnoxious and overly tired.  Porter wasn't too bad but Hudson was loud and demanding and sassy the whole flight.  I prayed the volume I was hearing him was not really as loud to everyone else.  Who knows.

I vowed then and there I am not traveling with Hudson alone until he's 5.  No effing way.

So, how's you're bloodpressure at this point?  HAHA!  Let me just say I've never been SO glad to be in my damn minivan and driving home in my entire life.

Travel Woes

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.  ~Robert Benchley

Oh my was today exhausting.  Let me just say, I'm praying for grace and patience on Thursday on our return trip home. 

I should start out by saying... my kids are not bad travelers.  I had not a fear in my mind of traveling with them alone today and honestly I was really looking forward to it.  I feel like I've really strengthened some of my skills for dealing with the boys and the thought of taking the two of them on a plane (two, at that) alone didn't scare me a bit.  

However. 


I'm really not sure what the deal was, but today was bad.  Just really really bad.  


It could be that the boys didn't fall asleep the night before until nearly 11 (and only then did they cry themselves to sleep listening to jack johnson and other lullabies on my phone). 


Maybe it was that we were up at 5:20am (after a restless night of sleep).


It might have been that I overpacked our carry-on's, anticipating lots of patience to do learning activities. 


My doctor just switched my meds last week so I'm still kind of regulating to a new antidepressant/anxiety med.  I think this was a large part of my problem.


Regardless, today was bad.  I want a do-over.  I KNEW we were in for a long day of traveling... visiting my mom always ends up being a good half day travel at the least.  The closest airport is OAJ (Jacksonville) and it literally has one plane.  So tiny. So there is always a layover in Charlotte.  And Charlotte is notorious for having delays.  Always. 


Our day started out with Porter having to poop and throwing a fit in the men's bathroom because he couldn't poop.  And then me running into the mens' bathroom to haul him off the toilet and into the ladies room... leaving Hudson and our 50 million bags in the hallway outside the bathroom.  GAH!  


And then Porter puked in the bathroom.  UGH. 

We got on our first flight and Porter wouldn't leave the damn window shade alone.  And the boys wouldn't leave the trays alone.  And Hudson was tired and antsy and super sassy and naughty.  They kept kicking (not so much kicking as putting their feet on) the seat in front of us.  

We did survive our first flight and then made our way to get lunch ($7 for a personal pizza at Papa Johns OUCH x's 3!).  The boys whined and whined about carrying their backpacks (I'm totally taking out 3/4 of the crap we packed on our way home) which left me carrying my camera bag (5d mark II + 24=70 + 50mm + camcorder + netbook + chargers = HEAVY) and my purse (with a bottle of water and gum and random stuff in it and a book... a hardcover book.... how completely dilerious was I to think I'd be able to read on the plane?  Completely.) and both of the boys' backpacks and a personal pizza.  


Did I mention the walk from one terminal to the other is So. freaking. far. away?  And Hudson whined the whole way for me to carry him? 


Note to self:  no child is too young to have an umbrella stroller for them to sit in. 
Another note to self:  You bought a rolling luggage cart.... use it next time. 


Our flight from Charlotte to Jacksonville was delayed an hour.  This left us at Charlotte for 3 hours.  Which wouldn't have been too bad if those 3 hours hadn't been filled with whining and me yelling and frustration and grumpiness and restless children.  Children who took their shoes off and threw them and refused to pick up their toys and who climbed over the seats at the airport gates and made weird noises in other travelers ears.  Yes, those were my restless, over-tired children.  With an over-tired, stressed out mama who lost all sight of patience and grace.  

The boys didn't want to sit and wait... they were all over the floor and SO restless because of their lack of sleep (my kids don't wind down... they wind UP).  But they also didn't want to walk around the airport because they were "too tired" to carry their bags.  And I was too grumpy to carry all 50 bazillion pounds of bags.  

Our 2nd flight was quick, thank god.  An hour.  Hudson and I sat on one side of the aisle and Porter sat on the other side with a younger woman.  Hudson crashed even before we got off  the runway.  Such a sweet sight and I know the poor bubba was so so tired.  Porter was great most of the flight.  He listened to Bubble Toes on my ipod (with earbuds) and sang so loud it cracked me up.  But once we landed and he knew we were landing (you know how it takes like another half hour after they announce to put seatbelts on and prepare for landing?) he was antsy and annoying and talking baby talk and sassing me and rawrrring at the lady next to him.  Just acting completely obnoxious and unlike himself (and I know it was because he was tired). 

I had never been so happy to be on land and to see my mom.  


Porter crashed in the car and then when we got to her house we headed right to the beach for an hour or so.  I actually swam in the ocean (I rarely get in oceans or lakes... I am always a bystander).  It was hot and the water felt nice.  Hudson sat on a raft and he and I rode the waves in for quite awhile.  

Porter, however, refused to go into the water.  I guess I shouldn't have let him watch all those shark documentaries and shows on Netflix and Discovery channel?  HAHA!  He's so into all these animal shows and I really enjoy them too so we end up watching the most random things about Super Croc and ancient wild cats and sharks etc.  Oops!

Anyhow, it was great to get here and relax and the beach is gorgeous.  Its hot but it is a different hot than at home.  I could get used to this. 

Stick a fork in me.

I'm done.

Oh my I'm so done today being MOM.  GAHH!  And I really shouldn't be complaining because my mom kept the boys from 6pm last night until noon today... so I did have a little time away from them.  But besides that, I have barely been away from them for more than a couple hours (running errands etc) since school let out.

I so need a break.

I've had a headache since Friday.  One of those pain up the side of your neck and into your head headaches.  My upper back has a knot in it and my lower back feels out of place.  I really need to get to the chiropractor. And I could use a massage.

Can you believe I haven't had a massage since my one and only massage the day before our wedding.  Seven years ago?!?

Hint hint hubby.... forget the stupid ass flowers for Mother's Day.  Mama wants a massage!!!

Tonight I've declared Stay-Away-From-Kids night.  When Ry gets home I'm either sending him out with the kids (so I can scrapbook!!) or I'm taking off to go shop.  Somewhere.  Anywhere.  Not that I have any money to spend but I just need to get the heck out.

Okay. Done complaining.  Back to our regular scheduled blogging.

THE Interview. And the call.

I had my interview yesterday.  I was well prepared.  I'd studied and had some great responses (well, at least what I *felt* were great responses).  I wore a short sleeved black business jacket with black dress pants.  I had my portfolio, organized and packed to the brim of great examples of my work.  I had copies of my resume as well as copies of my "quotes of recommendation" (quotes pulled from my letters of recommendation) for each of the people on the interview panel.  I knew 4 of the 6 people.... my principal, 2 co-workers (the other 2nd grade teachers) as well as a teacher from another building.

The interview went great, so I thought.  Everything they asked me I thought in my head as they asked me "oh I've GOT this!".  I wasn't caught off guard by any questions.  I felt like I had really good responses.  We laughed a little, there was a little conversation, I felt confident and sure of myself.  I sat there feeling like "OMG I have this.  This job is MINE."

Or so I thought. 

The principal said they wanted to have a decision last night and by 9:30 I was feeling like they wouldn't be calling.  10:00 I got a call... and I could tell by his voice the decision wasn't in my favor.   He said I did great (I always friggin' hear this) but "they decided to go another direction."  WTF.   To say I am astounded.  Floored. Duped.  Pissed.  Annoyed.  Disappointed.  It's all an understatement.   

I thought I had this. 

I've always had great feedback from the principal, he's somewhat "led me on" to believe that he wanted me there fulltime.  He has told co-workers how highly he thinks of me, that he wanted to get me in fulltime.  I feel led on and... duped.  Sucker punched.  

And the worst part... I have another week of work.  Another week to face co-workers.  To feel humiliated that, yes, after 5 years I'm *still* her and I *still* haven't been hired in fulltime.  I don't even want to go there. 

I'm now quite aware that fulltime at my school is not going to happen in the near future.  My district isn't huge (there are 3 elementary schools, which is larger than most smaller districts but not the largest in town), and its a great place to work... hence, people don't leave often.  And I don't foresee any retirements from my building anytime soon.  So, unless people move around or shift buildings (which IS a possibility) there aren't likely any spots open.  In the past 5 years I think there have been 4 times they've interviewed for open positions.  So, its a rarity.  I've been waiting for this spot to open in my building for a long long time.   The other jobs that have been interviewed for, at the other elementary buildings, they've hired their own lit coaches.  ANd, in  my building, I'm always talked highly of, always told that everyone thinks highly of me, and I've also beent here the longest of the lit coaches.  

I thought I had this. 

So, I don't know where to go next.  I'm just so confused and hurt and disappointed.  I am going to take the weekend to process my "loss" and then jump into high gear of applying EVERYWHERE and contacting every principal and making them aware that I've applied and that I want a job.  I'm going to be annoying.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?  Operation job search will be underway.  I'll be honest, in the past few years I have NOT been very active with applying at other schools.  I love my school I'm at and part time was okay with me.  I was holding out with the thought that I was "next up" to get hired in.  I didn't want to leave a part time job I loved to go somewhere I'd be unhappy or dislike my job.  But, game on.  Balls to the wall I'm on the hunt.

"Disappointment to a noble soul is what cold water is to burning metal; it strengthens, tempers, intensifies, but never destroys it." — Eliza Tabor

Watch what you're thankful for...

Of course it backfires when I decide to be optimistic about the rain and be thankful that it has created such beautiful greenery around us.

It was cold and rainy all. stinkin. weekend. 

This was not good for our plans to put up 4' wood fencing around our yard.  Ryan got about 5 of the post holes dug and posts concreted in, and he also purchased all the fence panels but was unable to get anything else done.  Friday WAS beautiful, I can't complain about that.  Only.... I spent the day... the only gorgeous day of the weekend... doing a garage sale at my sisters.  I made a whopping $60 (ok, so its $60 more than I had before Friday and I didn't have any other plans but to sit around all day anyhow... which is what I did at the garage sale).  I hate garage sales.

Today is sunny but very chilly.  When will it warm up???

What else is new:

• Duncan got his hair lopped off on Friday.  I was so ready for it to be trimmed and ultimately decided to let her go shorter with his hair so we could go a little longer in between haircuts.  It had been 3 months since he was last groomed and that is TOO long.  We're going to try 8 weeks this time.  My word... I spend more on his hair than I do my own!  $55 every 8 weeks??? GAH!  I didn't' realize this when I decided to get a Goldendoodle.  We love him though.  

• Today started out just like a Monday...  I backed into the trailer that Ryan parked in the driveway full of fence panels.  I didn't see it on that side of the van and it is low so I didn't see it in the rearview.  Jacked up my bumper... made a hole in it .  GRR.   Then the vending machine in the lounge was out of water AND pop. And then I found out that while I had been hopeful at the prospect of 2, possibly 3, positions being open at my school next year... it isn't so.  Other people are filtering into those positions and its likely there aren't any openings at the other elementary schools either.  The next few weeks I'm going to get resumes ready and do my annual "turn in your resume to every school around" event.  Ugh.  I'm thinking of applying out of town as well... I hate to do that because of gas and I'd hate to have to commute and cut into my time with my kids. 
  
• I've decided to go back on Zoloft.  Target Pharmacy is filling my scrip as I type I'm sure.  While I've learned a lot of techniques to dealing with my stress/anxiety, I'm finding that the stressful things are piling up and I'm spending more time talking myself down from the stress and spending more time helping myself get through my anxiety than I am enjoying my life.  I think for the time begin I need a little helper and hopefully once life is a little more stable... I'm not working 2 jobs etc... then I'll try ditching them again. 
  
• There are only 4 weeks of school left.... this one being the only full week!  I can't wait for summer. Stressed though as we're about $1200 short  of having enough $$ to cover my checks throughout the summer.  I'll be picking up a few extra photography jobs this summer and trying to stay away from stores as much as possible.
  
• Last week Porter started t-ball.  He has 2 left hand mitts (so, for right hand throwing)... of course he's the opposite. He has practice tonight at 5 and I am not going to be able to get to the store to buy him a new mitt.  Hope he can muster one last practice being backwards HAHA!

And even older news:

• Our second follow-up with Dr. Bloom and Porter's ultrasound (May 2nd) was pretty much inconclusive.... everything looks a-okay inside and he hasn't been having his "episodes" lately so as of now we're doing nothing.  If things start acting up again Dr. Bloom said to call and make an appointment but for now he doesn't see the need to do anything else.
  
  
• During these trips to Mott's, I've really been enjoying my time with Porter.  I need to make more one on one time for each of the boys. They are such special little people and its amazing how their true personalities shine when they are my main focus.  These trips have also made me realize how incredibly lucky and blessed I am that we are only visiting Motts for a simple pee issue.  We have seen so many young children... and babies... with so many battles they are facing.  It makes me really count my blessings and be thankful that our visits here are for simple issues and that my children are healthy. 
  
  
• 3rd Annual Mega Meet/Archiver's trip (May 6th) was great.  This year it was me, Jane, LeeAnn, Jessica, Lori and Cristi that went.  I didn't get many pages done at Archiver's but I did get some great new product.  I was almost ready to back out of the the trip because of my crazy "missing my kids" feelings (oh, and Hudson also barfed Friday morning but we have a fabulous babysitter who said "GO! and I'll take care of it!" Bless you, Sam!).  I'm glad I went.
  
  
• Easter... boy I never blogged Easter.  Well, same as every year... we went to Lori and Don's, had dinner, egg hunt.  Kids played, I napped for a bit, everyone else played Phase 10, took some pictures outside of the monkeys in bunny ears.  Good times all around.