treat her well

Dear World, 

I bequeath to you today one tiny little girl...in a crisp new dress...with two big, brown eyes....and a happy laugh that ripples all day long...and a flash of sunskissed brown hair that glitters in the sun when she runs. I trust you'll treat her well.

She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning...and skipping off to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proud she'll wave her young and independent hand this morning and say "Good-bye" and walk with little girl steps to the classroom.

Now she'll learn to stand in lines...and wait for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for the sounds of school bells...and deadlines...and she'll learn to giggle...and gossip...and only pay attention when the teacher is watching. She'll learn how to feel hurt inside and she'll learn how not to cry.

No longer will she have time to sit in the backyard on a summer day and watch an ant scurry across a crack in the footpath. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed in the morning and lay on the couch engrossed in a much loved childhood show. No, now she'll have to worry about more important things...like grades and which 'cool' skirt to wear and which friends can play with her at recess. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of prams and dolls. And now she'll find new heroes.

For five full years now I've been her mentor and role model and pal and playmate and mother and friend. Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers, which is only right. But no longer will I be the smartest woman in the whole wide world.

Today when that school bell rings for the very first time...she'll learn what it means to be a member of the group...with all its privileges and its disadvantages too. She'll learn that in time proper young ladies do not laugh out loud...or kiss dogs...or keep bugs in jam jars in bedrooms...or even watch ants scurry across cracks in the footpath in the summer. Today she'll learn that all who smile at her are not her true friends. And I'll stand back and watch her start out the long, lonely journey to becoming a woman.

So, world, I bequeath to you today, one little girl...in a crisp new dress...with two big, brown eyes...and a flash of sunkissed brown hair that glitters in the sunlight when she runs........I trust you'll treat her well.

Kindergarten

Tomorrow my sweet girl goes off to kindergarten.   To say I'm not ready to let her go is an understatement.  She is SO ready to go... she's been asking about kindergarten since the last day of preschool!  I have joked with her that I'm not letting her go, that she's going to stay home with me one more year, or I'm going to homeschool her.  She tells me"NO mom!  I want to go to kindergarten!"   But I'm just so... sad.   I know I felt so sad about the boys going... but I think I realize now how fast it goes once they're in school.   My days with her are gone.  Gone.   I feel like I should have taken more advantage of it.  Worked less.  Been more spontaneous and taken her to more fun places.  I don't want her to grow up.  I want her to stay sweet, and innocent, and kind and caring and brave.   I'm literally in tears typing this.  I worry about her teacher... will she know how special she is?  Will she love her?  Will she be gentle and kind hearted and nurture my baby's heart and mind?  Will she embrace her ambition and boldness and fearlessness or will she find it a burden?   Will she treat her as if she were her own child?  

Life is just going by so fast right now.   I feel like I'm on this spinning wheel and I can't slow it down.  Summer is gone and I honestly feel like we blinked and it was over.  Did we embrace the days as much as we could?  I don't feel like we did.   Am I embracing these days with my babies as much as I can?  I don't feel like I am, but I feel like I'm trying.  

Slow down, time.   My heart can't take all this.

fall conferences

Talk about a blow to parental confidence.  The kids had their first parent teacher conferences and I walked away feeling like inadequate parents.  

Porters conference was both the most surprising yet the easiest to process.  Porter has always been a mostly A student, top of the class in reading and in math.  Imagine my surprise when we meet with his teacher (whom I really like and feel is an amazing teacher) that he's "below grade level" in reading.  Whaaat?  This kid loves to read.  He has his nose in a book nearly every evening at bedtime.  In the past, he’s always been above grade level.  Comprehension/retelling was what he said kept his score down, which is understandable.  I know many factors can play into this, so it doesn’t worry me TOO much.  I feel like we need to step up our game immensely, though.   Socially, he said he seemed to have a setback in the beginning of the year- the kids he started to hang out with (mostly based on where he was seated in the classroom), were not making very good choices and he said, credit to Porter, he decided not to hang out with those two boys and kind of had to start over.  YAY! We are making progress on that front!!  Every year up until now I felt like he’d always gravitated toward “naughty” kids in class.   FINALLY!   He has been hanging out with a boy and his twin brother and a friend of theirs that he met during football.  His teacher said they’re good kids.  We’ve met their parents and spent a few minutes at their house on Halloween when we Trick or Treated in their neighborhood.  I’m feeling good about the “friend” issue this year.  

Hudson's conference was not unexpected, but made me feel so helpless as a parent.  Smaller issues were… messiness (he’s SO messy and disorganized), fiddling with little things, handwriting, spelling.  Across the board, attention and focus and lack of work completion was an issue.  This isn't new to us, and he has struggled with this the past 2 years. She said she knows he’s very intelligent- he has great ideas and he’s very imaginative.  He just doesn’t focus and can’t apply himself.   We discussed him being a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to some things (obvs. not his organization HAHA!  His room is not neat!).  He shuts down if he feels like he can’t do something the right way, or perfectly. She said she hates taking away recess to have him do his work because she feels he needs that social time.  We made a plan to have her send his work home, because we want to know when he’s refusing to do work, and we also think that will be a motivator for him to do it in class.  He knows there will be consequences at home if he doesn’t do his work in school.  I really love his teacher- she has all sorts of “seating” for the kids.  Some kids use a chair.  Some are on a balance board.  Some are on these “t” shaped board things that they can sway on while sitting.  Some are on a yoga ball.  Some just stand.  She said that she’s tried other seating tools and he does best standing.  She said that day in particular he did use a chair and she noticed it was not a very productive work day for him, so she’ll encourage him to stand as he seems to focus a little more when he stands.  This year, however, I feel is a make or break point, especially when it comes to writing.  I didn't realize it was at this point, but his teacher wants us to look into other options to help with his focus.  She mentioned speaking to his pediatrician.  Reading online. Looking at his diet. She welcomed him using essential oils if we felt that may help.  She was fully supportive of anything we wanted to try.   We’re going to try oils for awhile and hopefully will find a combination that works well for him.  I’m so worried… so frustrated… I feel so helpless.   We see his lack of focus at home all the time.  It takes him FOREVER just to get his pajamas on and brush his teeth because he ends up distracted by multiple things.   

On a better note, we went to Amelia’s conference that morning…. and turns out we were 2 weeks early.  So, yeah.  Winning on that one.   Luckily she’s doing great- socially well rounded, very independent (HAHA!), and very in tune with others’ feelings (she mentioned one little boy wanted to play dinosaurs on the playground and kind of scared the other girls, who just didn’t want to be chased by a dinosaur.  He kind of started sulking and was sad, and Amelia went over to him and said “Hey, here’s a ball to play with!  I’ll play with you!”)  So sweet.  :)   

Life on the other side

Holy heck... it has been a whirlwind this past month!   Let me do a little catching up, I guess.  I may come back later and go into detail more (like about our trips etc) but we'll see.  I spent my flight back home from Orlando (for FUEL)  writing out a daily schedule.  Some of my goals for my schedule are:

• Blog 30 min/day
• Run 30 min/3x's a week
• Read 30 min/night before bed
• Scrapbook about 2 hrs/week (or two times a week?)
• Ride 1-2x's/week

So.   This past month.  

• We closed on the house Thursday, July 29th. WOOT WOOT!  We got in and immediately I started painting the kids' rooms.  There was a bit of drama with the power etc... I'll have to write more about that later HAHA!
• That Saturday, Ryan, Eloise and I headed to Dallas for the week for Young Living's Convention.  We had an awesome time, but I was so ready to get back to Michigan and MOVE!
• We got back home Thursday night and drove back out to the new house to check out the painting.  We hired a painter to paint the living room and upstairs loft.   It. Looked.  Amazing. 
• Friday we moved some things out to the new house and I finished up painting a bit. 
• Saturday... MOVING VANS CAME!   Boy they were super fast!  Totally worth the cost. 
• We spent a week in the house getting settled.   The first night in the new house, Porter and Hudson slept together in Hudson's new full-sized bed.   It was so sweet but it kind of broke my heart to know that they felt unsettled.  I know its normal, and I love that they felt that each other was their security.  
• On August 15th we left AGAIN for a week up in Mackinaw City.  It was a trip we'd planned before we knew we were moving, and Ryan's uncle was flying in from Texas to camp the week with us.  We couldn't miss it.   I hate to admit, though, that my heart just wasn't into the trip.  We had a great time, but I was really just itching to be home and getting settled in.  Not to mention that I'd barely had time to work in the past month and felt like I was in a working mood and really really really wanted to just go home and hole up in my office.  Sick, right? I'll write more about the trip later :) 
• We got home from Mackinaw and had a busy week.... the McKenney's and Kilchers came over Monday, I spent Tuesday at the barn and back in Jackson, I had a few team webinars that week, and we met with a builder to have our mudroom/laundry room addition built.  Oh, and Ryan met with a realtor back at our old house to get it listed for sale.  AND we had Home Depot out to measure to put in wood floors here at the new house.  Yeah... this carpet has GOT to go.   I don't know how people live with carpet.  Ruby keeps peeing on it.  Duncan keeps pooping on it.  The kids are spilling shit on it left and right, and I've dropped paint on it already.  Fail. 
• We took the kids on an "official" back to school shopping trip. We had a lot of fun.  The boys picked out matching shoes.   I found lots of cute things for the girls- as if they need anything new HAHA! 
• The last week of summer we tried to cram everything in.  We went to Independence Lake Blue Heron Bay waterpark/splash pad on Thursday.  I felt like we just needed to go do something fun.  Ryan was mowing the lawn (it takes freakin' 5 hours!) so I loaded up the 4 kids and we went!  I was a bit bummed at first... seeing all these other moms with groups of friends and I was there alone.  But whatever.   I ended up chatting with a dad whose daughter was playing with Amelia and heard his whole story about moving back from Chicago and he's an actor and we talked about challenges of working from home/for yourself etc.   Then Porter realized a little girl he'd been playing with was in his grade at his new school.  SOOO I mustered up guts and went up to her mom and introduced myself and chatted with her for quite a bit.  
• The next day we went to Erika's and hung out at her pool.   The boys had Eian, our neighbor at our old house, come stay the night.  
• I finally got the boys registered for school... whew!   We went to their open houses and I'm super impressed with their schools.  I'm a little leery of P's teachers, so we'll see how that goes (he has a male teacher... and his last male teacher wasn't so great, so I'm just totally skeptical of male teachers HAHA!).   Hudson's teacher has been teaching awhile and she seems like she has a good, firm personality for Hudson which will be great.   Their media centers have iMacs in them... like 15....whaaa?  Sweet.  They also have this local Farm to School Program where one week a month they bring in fresh fruit/veggies etc from the community as a part of their lunches.  It seems pretty awesome!
• Amelia started preschool today and she LOVED it.  I knew she's be great.  She went into her class with no problem at all.  She's so ready.  I'm not. 
• Eloise is getting so big! She's the smiliest thing ever.  She LOVES her big siblings and they can make her smile and laugh so hard.  

WHEW!  So that's it for now... I have a lot I want to go into more detail about, so I'll have to get my butt to work on that 30 min/day blogging!  

brain dump

It's 3am and I found myself wide awake and my brain churning.  Thoughts running rampant, trying to sort out the feelings I have about Porter and school.   My mind is racing with what should I do, am I doing the right thing, am I overreacting, am I being ridiculous.   I need to write it out.  I need to list it all.

Right now, for various reasons, I'm considering homeschooling or sending my kids to private schools.  This is something I never... ever.... ever... thought I'd consider.   I'm a teacher by degree.  I've worked in public schools and I am far beyond a helicopter parent who wants to shelter my kids from any little harm they could get in this world.   However, I feel like things have compiled to make me consider other options.

My biggest concern is Porter.   Porter.... at school he's the friendliest, kindest, most loyal friend to others that I know.  He goes out of his way to shovel the neighbors driveways and sidewalks when it snows.  When the neighbors dog gets loose, he runs outside to get him and take him home.  He's helpful.  Kind.  Goodhearted.  Social.  In kindergarten, I remember going into school with him one day and he said hi to every adult that worked there that he passed.  Teachers from different grades, the gym teacher, aides.  He was Mr. Social.   He was- and is- friends to everyone.   He gives up his snack if someone in his class doesn't have one.  He goes out of his way to do nice things for them.  He risks his mothers wrath and stays with his friend on the playground after school because his mom is late and he doesn't want him to be alone.  However, his choices in friends kind of....sucks.  I don't know how to put this nicely.   He's a great student-- academically, socially, and behaviorally.  He doesn't get in trouble.  He follows rules.   But the kids he gravitates towards... do not.   This is isn't something new... I've had concerns since Kindergarten.   And, as he's gotten older and I've become more involved at the school, there are other issues that have been raising red flags to me.

-Kindergarten.... he talked all the time about a 1st grader "G" who always seemed to be in trouble, or making bad choices.
-The one child in his class, "M" that had all kinds of rotten behaviors- belching in my face one day while I was helping a little girl tie her shoes, talking rudely to adults etc- is one he started to gravitate towards.
-First grade- he continued sitting by "M" at lunch, and playing with him on the playground.   We had many many discussions about choosing friends, and who you decide to hang out with can affect how others view you, and you have to make good choices in friends or you may find yourself in trouble even if YOU weren't doing anything wrong.
-Second grade was when I really became concerned with SCHOOL, as well as friends.  1.  His class was a bit... disorganized.   I volunteered in his classroom one day a week, for the entire morning before lunch.   He had a student teacher for part of the year, which compounded the inconsistency in his classroom.  One child had an MP3 player in class.  There were tons of distractions- a handful of kids who were just... off the wall.  During writing assignments I couldn't help but feel like.... Porter can do better than what he's doing.  He isn't putting forth enough effort because there isn't structure here.  He's just "getting by".  He's capable of more.
-I ask the boys every day... "Who did you sit with at lunch, kiddo?   Who did you play with a recess?"  I want to know who my child is choosing to spend their time with.   The boy in his 2nd grade class, "T", that he gravitated toward as a friend this year, knew more things than a 2nd grader should know.  It broke my heart, but also.... I don't want MY child exposed or hearing some of these things.  His dad had been in prison.  He stole from Porter.  He talked back to the teacher. He refused to listen to the teacher.  He put forth zero effort in his work and just scribbled.  The teacher told me at the end of the year that "T" was acting up more because he didn't want school to end and to be at home.  I'd discussed with the teacher if he was someone I should encourage or discourage Porter to play with/continue to be friends with.  He said Porter would be good for "T" but never let Porter go to his house.  My heart ached for this child but.... as a parent of my own child I have to protect MY child.   I felt like Porter was always going to have these friends he chose that I didn't allow him to hang out with outside of school.  And, as he gets older.... its going to get harder to discourage these friendships as peer pressure rises.
-2nd grade, a boy was talking to Porter about SEX.   He came home and asked what it was.  What the actual hell.  SECOND GRADE!
-Last year I had to stop the boys from riding the bus to and from school because the things I heard them say the 6th graders were talking about on the bus were so inappropriate.   Cussing, sexual words, threats to each other (not the boys, but other kids on the bus) etc.
-3rd grade, I went on a field trip and in my group there were 4 kids.  A little boy and girl who were super sweet, Porter and another boy "D" who was a wild child.... as in, teacher having to ask him repeatedly to do things, him refusing to listen to the teacher, throwing a tantrum, etc.  Who does Porter talk about playing with? THIS child!
-On the bus home from the field trip, I overheard another boy, "G", who was sitting in teh seat across the aisle from us say multiple totally inappropriate things. Mentioning something about "Condom candy" to the boy he was sitting with.  Joking about his friend (the boy he was sitting with) "licking his penis and liking it HAHAHA"  I was so appalled.  I said something to him numerous times and then the teacher did end up taking him to the front of the bus (along with "D" who was getting in trouble on the bus too).
-The girls in front of us on the bus had her mom's iPod and were looking at half naked black and white model pictures of men on it and giggling. THIRD GRADE!  I'm sorry... but 1, why are you keeping sexual pictures of men on your phone (celebrities and the like.... you know, like you see some people Pin on Pinterest as "eye candy") and giving it to your child to take to school???
-Hudson rides the bus from his school to Porter's after school so I can pick them up in one location.  Hudson told me one day a boy on the buss called him a "Mother F@$#er"
-Porter- 3rd grade- goes out to recess with 6th graders. Doesn't this seem like a bit of an age gap to be playing unsupervised??  4th and 5th graders are together for recess.
-Porter told me he was threatened during "Fun Friday recess" (an extra recess) by a 4th grader.   He was talking to his friend and this kid butted in, and Porter told him not to be rude and the boy told him "You'd better not talk to me or you'll be lying on the ground with a bloody nose/mouth (something like that)"

AUGH!  As you can see.... its not just one incident.  And honestly, I can handle bullying/mean kids.  I can handle that.  And my kids are no strangers to swear words... I'm not mother of the year by any means.  But our society put so much sexualization in EVERYTHING and I'm starting to see the trickle down effect... its not just parents who let their little girls dress like mini teenagers... its the sexual things kids know about, hear about, think about.... and it grosses me out.   I want my children to be CHILDREN for as long as they can be.  I don't want to have to explain to my 3rd grader what a condom is.  I don't want my 3rd grader oogling over sexual pictures of the opposite sex.  And, I don't feel this way so much about HUDSON'S experience at school... he's in 1st grade right now and I haven't had one concern about friends/kids in his class etc.  He plays with 2 little girls most often, and they take stuffed animals to school and play with them on the playground.  I haven't had any red flags with him- yet- other than the kid on the bus calling him a MF'er.

The hard thing is.... I don't dislike the school or school district.  I have no problem with the teachers or the curriculum.  I have FRIENDS who send their children there who have totally different experiences and who love it there.   I KNOW there are great kids that go to the school because I know their parents.  I want more than anything to LOVE where I send my kids to school.  I WANT to send them off to public school and feel they're safe and learning about age-appropriate things and not having access to the minds of children who have been corrupted by their parents/home environment.  I know private school isn't going to shelter them from all of this either.  There will be naughty kids there.  I know homeschool won't hide them from the horrors of the world forever, and to be honest it could totally trash our parent/child relationship because I honestly don't feel like I'm cut out for it.

I don't know what the solution is right now.  I do know I've had this nagging feeling for the past year that this isn't working.  I don't know what to do, or where to go.   I could discuss all these concerns with the principal but honestly.... are they going to follow my child around and make sure he's not hearing inappropriate conversations at school on the playground?  No.  Is it going to change how other parents are parenting their kids at home?  No.  Is it going to change Porter's choice in friends he plays with during free time?  No. Its all things that CAN'T be controlled that are the problem.

torn

I have this daydream often that we live on a farm with chickens and goats and horses and I homeschool and the kids and I laugh all day and everything we do is filled with learning and wonder and excitement.  I know it's a fantasy.  It's not reality, or mine at least.  This is the highlight reel plastered on blogs and Instagram accounts.  

But what keeps resonating with me is this pull to homeschool them.  I really felt the urge beginning last fall, when Porter was in 2nd grade.  His class was disorganized and chaotic.  Luckily he's a good student and learns quickly, but every time I volunteered I couldn't help but think.... We could do this writing in half the time and I know porter can do a better job than he's doing!  And the friends.... He's a good kid but he is constantly drawn toward the naughty kids of the class.  He thrives on their exciting, rebellious behavior and constantly befriends them.  He knows their behavior is wrong.  He doesn't cross the line at school but he does come home with some behaviors and knowledge about things that we don't discuss or allow at home. We live in a bit of a transient community, but there are some great families and great boys in his grade that he could be friends with.  However, there is never more than 1 or 2 of these good kids in his class.

Last year I had the boys stop riding the school bus because of some of the things they told me were being said/talked about on the bus by 6th graders.  This year I was just appalled at some of the language and things spoken about by one of the boys in his class.  

And the more I really analyze schools-from teaching to volunteering positions- I realize how much time is "wasted" and not actually educational.  They're there for 7 hours a day.  So much of that time is spent transitioning 25+ kids from one lesson to the next, or getting everyone to follow directions or quiet down.   My kids are spending 7 hours a day with kids that I can't control what they learn from home or say at school and I'm not there to mediate.  They could be learning the same amount in less than half the time at home.  

I keep feeling like I'm being pulled to homeschool but the thing is.... I feel like the worst mother ever as it is.  My patience is shot by the evening.  I feel like my plate is so full as it is.  Truth be told, most days I look forward to dropping the boys off at school and having the day free from chaos and fighting.  I know that if I tried homeschooling it would be a bust.  I would suck not only as their teacher but as their mother as well.  Not to mention working from home on top of that.  I don't know how I could possibly balance it all. 

It kills me that I don't have the attitude of loving to be around my kids all the time.  It kills me that, I'll be honest, Porter's challenging personality exhausts me on a daily basis and that some days it is all I can do to even like him.  

I headed to bed with worries heavy on my shoulders.  I'm not sure what the right choice is for us.  Do I attempt to homeschool and really get my life in gear and organized to the minute and planned and productive?  Do I switch schools?  Do I look into private schools?  Do I hire someone to homeschool for me?  

I passed porters room on the way to bed and paused to watch him sleep.  I used to do this every night when he was little.  I love him with all my heart.  There are many days I don't like him (and many days I don't even like myself because of my lack of ability to deal with his personality) but I always love him.  I want to shelter him from the bad things in this world.  I worry about his choices.  I worry about the path he will take in life.  I just want the best for him. For all our kids.  Right now I just don't know what exactly IS the best.  

wrist update

I met with Dr. Beekman today.... he was very knowledgeable and his staff was great! The first thing he said when he walked in was... "OUCH" (coming from a man that does hand surgery for a living...). 

Basically... my radius is broken at the joint, and is off set from where it should be. The end of my radius, where the joint is, is cracked in half. Bones are rubbing together and not in the places they should be (this is after being "reset" last Thursday.) 

(this is not my actual x-ray but pretty darn close to what it looks like.  Basically... everything is shifted to the left.  And my ulna has a piece chipped off of it,  and above where it says "fracture"... that bone is split down the middle as well)

So.... I have surgery scheduled for Friday morning to have a plate and screws put in my wrist. I will have to do weekly therapy and will be unable to ride for 6-8 weeks  He said it could be 6 months to a year before I'm feeling full function of my wrist again. Good times, I tell ya!!

Pretty sure my frequent use of the motto "go big or go home" is biting me in the butt. I guess if you're going to jack your wrist up you might as well jack it up real good, right??

Our heat is finally back on.  The contractor didn't show up until close to 8pm but I'm thankful he was working late. I appreciate that people give up their evenings to help out others!  I hope he was being paid well.

The kids are on Snow Day 3.  It's like the Christmas vacation that never ends.... groundhog day!!!  Why can't these snow days come in like... February when I'm itching for some snuggly days with all 3 kiddos?  No..... let's have some snow days after 2 weeks of Christmas vacation.... gah!!  Combine that with my inability to do much of anything with my one good arm and I'm grumperella!!

Labor Day was not labor-free.

Ryan's Uncle Vince is in town and he laughed this evening as he noticed all our neighbors mowing their lawns.  "Isn't today Labor Day?  Doesn't that mean you're not supposed to work?"

Yeah... not around here.   This morning I started out making some signs I have to get done this week.  I also decided to paint the hutch in the dining room.  Looks MUCH better.  I got a load of laundry done and Ryan did some yard work.  We also found a rock had hit the sliding glass door to the above-the-garage apartment the other day and shattered the door.  So... Ryan spent some part of the day sweeping up glass.  Fun times!

I feel pretty accomplished, though!  Feels good to get some things done.    Porter spent the afternoon with the neighbors at their grandparents house.  Hudson felt a bit left out so I called my friend Karinya and had her drop her daughter Katherine off to play.  Oh Katherine is a hilarious nugget.  Karinya is always posting funny things she says.  Today, as I'm painting in the driveway she comes up to me and says "I'm an artist, too, you know."  I about died.  So. Darn. Funny.

Tomorrow is the first day of school.  I officially will have a 2nd grader and Kindergardener.  I can't believe it.  I'm feeling so anxious for Hudson.  He's nervous.  He really doesn't want to go to school.  I hope he's going to feel okay once he gets into class.  He's sitting at the same table as Lilly, his little preschool crush.   The boys have had their hair trimmed, baths taken, and their clothes laid out for the morning.  We, sadly, are missing new school shoes as they've been ordered but have not arrived.  Bummer.  I have their backpacks all ready, and filled with their new supplies. (Speaking of... Mom of the Year here... I pulled out Porter's backpack from the closet tonight- still dirty and filled with last years' old crayons and pencils. Oops!)  I have their lunches packed and was feeling quite nostalgic making TWO lunches this year.    I'm hoping to keep on top of preparing for the day the night before.   Who am I kidding... that'll last until like... tomorrow.

While I am feeling sad that my boys are no longer home with me at all during the week, I'm really looking forward to the year with Amelia.  It blows my mind that I'm starting the SECOND school year being a Work at Home Mom.  I love it.  It is by no means EASY, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.  No matter how many times I feel like I fail my kids, or my clients, or my housework.... I know that I'm doing my best and that the struggle is worth it to have the flexibility to be here for my kiddos and make my own hours.

I hope to do a few Mommy-and-Me activities with Amelia this year.  Tomorrow we're getting the boys off to school and then in the afternoon I'm going to take her to the barn to go horseback riding.  We have to meet the vet out there anyhow to have a Coggins test pulled, so I'm going to make the most of the trip out there.  On Wednesdays we're doing a baby signing class.  This lasts 4 weeks, so I'm already on the look out for something to do with her after that.  I'm thinking swimming classes would be right up her alley as she LOVES the water.   Or some kind of tumbling class.  Sitting-still-listening classes are going to be a challenge, but we'll see.  

So... adios summer... we're going to miss you so much.  It was way too short.  But alas, here's to a new school year.  I'm excited for the new adventures it holds!

One in a million

Rows of tables lined the cafeteria, filled with anxious parents and their soon-to-be 2nd graders.  A large cake adorned a side table, frosting spelling out "Second Grade Here We Come."  As the slideshow started, so did the fight to hold back tears as my throat tightened watching my oldest child's school days unfold before my eyes on the large screen.  I've been on both sides of this- I've been the teacher (ahem, lit coach) sending off the students at the end of the year, proud to show them through pictures just how I saw them throughout the year, and choked up with mixed emotion of relief that we had finally made it through the school year, yet sadness that it was indeed finally over.  They were parting from me.  Because of this, I could empathize with her, and knew exactly how she felt as she choked up talking to us.  As a parent, I was so incredibly thankful that she took the time- that she cared so much- to document the long days that my son was away from me.  The moments captured are irreplaceable and priceless to me.   I will forever be thankful.

In just 3 short days I'll be the mom of a 2nd grader.   This baffles me.   In a way I'm so excited for summer to start so the kids and I can have fun together (it is so strange during the school year to do fun things with just Hudson and Amelia- I feel like we're leaving Porter out), but in another sense I'm so sad that this year is ending.

Porter was definitely blessed with an amazing, goes far above and beyond teacher this year.   I sat in the cafeteria tonight thinking of how stupid I would have been if I'd moved him out of the class he was assigned because another student was in there that I wanted him separated from.   He would have missed out on all of this.  He would have missed out on her touching his life with her memories, kindness, knowledge, strictness, expectations and encouragement.   For the last 3 weeks of school she made a balloon garland.  Each balloon contained a fun activity for the kids to discover after popping the balloon of the day.   Every day I picked Porter up he was excited to tell me what fun was awaiting in the balloon that day.  They had ice pops, had a sidewalk chalk coloring outside, flew kites (everyone got their own kite), played card games and got bouncy balls to play with at extra recess- to name a few.   Truly amazing that she went out of her way to make the last 3 weeks truly memorable, and went through the trouble of organizing and planning daily activities.

After the slideshow (which she had burned a disc for every student), she presented us with memory books that the kids had helped make throughout the year.  I. Was. Shocked.   This book is amazing.   It has 25 page protectors chock full of picture collages and writings from throughout the year and art projects and handprints and questionnaires.   The time put into this-  I can't even imagine.

So, this week will be bittersweet as we say goodbye to a truly one of a kind teacher- she has definitely touched our lives in an indescribable way.

 

Hudson-isms

H: (finding pennies under P's bed) "I know where all the pennies are coming from! From Boy Heaven!"

Me: "Oh yeah?"

H: "Yeah! Because God loves us! So he gives us all these little brown coins!"

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"Don't bounce me super high or my cape is gonna make me fly all the way up north!"

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H: "Mom, benember when...." 

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Last week I went with Hudson on his class field trip to a local farm.  He was SO SO SO excited to ride the bus.  As I was buckling him into his carseat he asked "Are there seatbelts on the bus?"  I told him no.  He asked if there was a seat like his and I told him no, no carseat and no seatbelt.  He says, so shocked, "WHAT?!"  It was cute watching him walk up the bus stairs.  He was so cautious.   The farm was really cute.   We held baby pigs, saw the "worlds smallest pony" (really... he's supposed to be in the Guinness Book of World Records next year! 

1500

Can you believe it?  1500 blog posts! (and this is my 2nd blog.... 2005-2007 can be found here!)  I wish I could think of something awesome to do to celebrate but.... I'm low on brain cells today.  SO. Tired.

A little recap of our week:

It was Spirit Week for the boys this week.  Monday was Dress Crazy Day and Ry, Porter and I had fun putting together a wacky outfit.  He was a little nervous going to school (and I was slightly nervous for him as I dropped him off in the morning and saw lots of normal-dressed kids walking in.....) but when I picked him up he was all smiles.  He said some kids laughed at him but I told him he should have laughed at them because they were the ones dressed wrong!

My friend Kiley told me she overheard her daughter, Tatum, telling her big brother "Boys with freckles and mohawks are frickin' hot!"  Oh. My. Word.  Kiley says "Did she really just say that??" HAHAHAH!  Cracks me up.  I can only imagine what the playground supervisors overhear!  Apparently Porter is Tatum's boyfriend.  So cute.  I about died when Porter brought home a little mini-wallet picture of Tatum's school pictures.  I had to tease him a little (and hilarious- he totally kept staring at her picture. Looks like we're going to have to watch out for these two!!)

Hudson is loving school.  I'm so proud of his newfound independence   He is usually pretty clingy to me, and so shy in new situations.  After the first week of school something just clicked and he is so bummed on Monday when Porter gets to go to school and he has to wait until Tuesday.   I did start doing some preschool work with him at home, and he was pretty proud of himself.  We did some rainbow writing, an A for Alligator and practiced tracing different line patterns.  

Porter is doing great at school as well.  As much trouble as he gives us at home I am so so so thankful he is a great student and is doing so well academically.  He is reading Level 17-18 books right now and to exit 1st grade students ideally should be at a Level 16.  (although this really doesn't matter for the long run.... in my experience in 1st grade he'll probably plateau around Level 20/21 and level out with the rest of the kids in 2nd grade... but still.  He rocks at reading.  SO proud of him!)

Both boys are doing their "All About Me" stuff this week and next.  On Wednesday, Hudson got to bring home the "Knee Bag" (errr.. "Me Bag" though he calls it the Knee Bag!).  He had to pick out something special to put in the bag and write 3 clues about it in the notebook.  He chose his green monkey.  He was so so so excited to be Helper that day and to pull his monkey out of the bag to show everyone.

Porter is the Star Student next week, though he already has his all about me poster done- finished it the day he brought it home.  He was so excited to do it!

Wednesday the boys started Awanas at a new church.  It is actually the church where I attended Awanas as a kid!  Kind of neat.  There are still familiar faces there and actually a lot of families from Bean Elementary were there.  It was nice to see some of my old students, though a little bittersweet.  Made me realize how much I miss the kids at school!

Since the boys have an hour and 45 minutes at Awanas, Ry and I decided to have a little date night at Outback.   Have you used the Outback Tablemates perks yet?  YOU MUST!  So awesome.   Ry signed up so we had a $5 reward to use, plus our monthly perk was 'buy 2 entrees get an appetizer and dessert for free'.  We each had an entree, two sodas, an appetizer and a dessert and it cost us $28.15!!

Hudson | First Day of Preschool

My baaaby is in pre-school!  Yes, I realize I have an actual baby at home but Hudson, my Bessie Boo... he is my baby boy... I'm not sure how he got this old.  And this handsome!

I was so so so nervous for him to start an actual "preschool".  Much more nervous than when Porter went to preschool.  Porter- he's an outgoing, pretty go with the flow kid, a people pleaser if you will.  I didn't worry about him in pre-school.  I knew he'd go and he'd rock at it.  Hudson, on the other hand, is very slow to warm up to people.  He's more of an introvert.  He's stubborn.  He is hard to convince to do things and the boy is just darn lazy!  He is also very sensitive and I worry that if he does not feel loved and fully welcome and wanted in class that he will shut down and refuse to participate.  I was, and am, afraid for him to get a teacher that won't take the time to chip away at the wall he puts up for new people and to really get to know and love my little comedian.  I worry that his stubbornness will be a turn off.  That he'll fall to the back of the class (not necessarily academically, but socially) and never come out of his shell if he does not form a relationship with his teacher.  I know I feel this way because I've been in the classroom and I know how easy it is for teachers, myself included, to not feel a connection to students.  I know how important it is to make sure every student does feel special and welcome and part of the "class family".  I just pray he gets that in this preschool year.  

Ok, so enough of my worries.   This little guy is typically very clingy to me.  All last year at Awanas he cried when I dropped him off and refused to participate in any singing, games etc during Awanas.  Despite being in daycare from the time he was 1, he still had anxiety with being left by me.  However, Tuesday morning he was raring to go.  His excitement for preschool was adorable- he wanted to get dressed and get out the door asap.  It was only 9am and his school didn't start until noon.  He picked out an outfit (red shirt to match his new red shoes... his "fravorite color") and he wanted his hair spikey!  This boy has the finest, straightest hair.  And it was long.  I spiked it into a faux-hawk and it was SO SO long so I took the scissors to the top until it looked decent.  Might not look so hot once the gel is out and its laying flat again, but he sure looks cute with it styled!

I am loving dressing him for school.  He still can be influenced by my opinions on clothes, whereas Porter has his own ideas.  Hudson will wear "handsome shirts" aka shirts with collars, and Porter refuses.   Hudson likes to dress more preppy, and Porter likes to dress more... rocker-ish.  So, this school year will be fun dressing Hudson up.  

We had a quick muffin-tin lunch and at 11:30 he was practically dragging me out the door.  We got to his school about 15 minutes early but he was confident and so excited.  We walked in and he found his locker, and we signed in and answered the question of the day.  When it was time to go into class he walked in without hesitation.  He gave me a kiss and went to sit on the carpet.  I walked out and thought "Oh my did that just happen, really?!?"  He was such a brave boy and I was so so so proud of him!

When I picked him back up I learned that he did cry for a few minutes when he realized I was gone, but quickly got wrapped up in watching another boy cry and he stopped.  I hope this is the start of a good school year!

First cold of the year

Wouldn't you know that after over a year of no sickness in my house (kid-wise... If you recall I was sicker than a dog all last fall and winter, but praise God the boys were as healthy as horses since last summer? Spring!? I can't remember the last time they were really sick!) that all 3 of my kids would get sick the first week of school!?  Maybe it's a coincidence that we were all just at the geeky doctor for check ups/ flu-shots, or it could have been our recent visit to the Treehouse.   Whatever it was, I'm not amused.  My sweet bitty baby has her first cold :-(. Her little nose is all stuffy and she snores when she sleeps.  I hope it passes through quickly!

Tonight we went to Hudson's preschool open house.  I was pleasantly impressed with the program and classroom and think it will be great for him.  He seems excited to go back, too.  (couldn't have a thing to do with all the cool cars, trucks and construction vehicles they had...)

I am getting anxious to get into a routine once Hudson is at school 3 afternoons a week.  I'm on day 2 of this SAHM/WAHM gig and so far feel so unproductive!!  I will say, though, that I'm thoroughly loving it and feel like the events leading up to this change have been a blessing.  I get to snuggle my baby girl anytime I want, and see her sunny grin all day and hear her babble to me.  I also get to focus more attention on Hudson while he is my only big kid at home.  This year is going to be great.  I know it.  I just pray I'm able to create enough of an income to continue down this path.  I'm not sure I'll ever want to go back to working outside the home!

Another big change- I whacked off my hair today!  I have been living with my hair in a ponytail most of the time and it just isn't very flattering.  So I decided to go back to my super short haircut   At least it is an actual style.  I'm not thrilled with it yet-  I think it may need to be thinned out a little.

The other day I went to JoAnn for a few things and brought home a bag of $1 beads for Hudson.  He was SO excited over them.  I pretty much made his day.  He made 2 bracelets and wore them on his ankles for days.

He's a 1st grader!

If there is one thing I realized after this first morning of school it Is that there is no way in hell I am going back to working outside the house unless a) Ryan's work schedule changes and he is home in the morning to help with the morning hustle or b) we have enough mOney to hire a nanny to help get the kids ready for school, preschool and daycare. No effing way.

First off Porter woke up early and Ry let him watch White Collar while I slept. (yes, we are either training up our firstborn to be a future FBI agent or white collar criminal. Haha!).

Then my alarm went off to the tune of a harp. A harp. Who the hell wakes up to the sound of a harp? Not me. So yes of course I woke up a little later than I planned.

Then Amelia needed to eat while the boys did as well. Ever try to feed a baby and make toast? Ugh.

Last night I washed p's new shirts and put them in the dryer. For some reason they didn't dry all the way. Then I realized he really doesn't have any decent shorts. Jeans and a damp wrinkly shirt it is. Hey, it's at least new and "special" right? His shirt was PO big. Looked frumpy. I was being anal and made a fuss over it. I could kick myself of I made him feel insecure about it. :-(.

And as we went out to take pics and wait for the bus Amelia barfed all over me. Classic.

However, my boy was so brave. He was calm and collected even though his mama was a hot mess (literally... The humidity is ridiculous today!!). He assured his little brother he would play with him when he got home and told him to be good for mom. Hudson told porter to have a good day at school and to make good choices. Oh these kind of moments ache my mama heart.

My grandma as sable to come sit with H and A while I ran to the school to take a few pics of P in class. He is so confident and sure of himself at school. I am so proud of him.

And, just like that, I have a 1st grader. Where does time go?

First Day Jitters

Tomorrow (well, today) is the first time in my entire life since starting kindergarten that I am not returning to school.  I went through elementary school to junior high to high school to college and to my job at, you guessed it- a school.  I have always had a "first day of school" and it is weird not to be going back.   I'm kind of sad.  

Don't get me wrong... I'm excited and nervous and happy and anxious about being home with Amelia and Hudson and trying out this whole "work at home" thing.  If there is one thing I've realized in the past year is that they grow WAY too fast.  I'm going to try to slow down and savor every moment of Amelia being a baby and of Hudson's last year before full-time school.  

But... it is sad not to be returning to school, to a classroom of new faces and furthermore, to my OWN classroom.  That was my plan, but I'm quickly realizing that HIS plan isn't always the same as mine.  I'm going to embrace this change and see where it takes me.  Maybe I'll be home a year, maybe not.  Maybe photography won't work out and I'll go back to working in the schools next fall.  Maybe photography will be great and I'll love being my own boss, working from home with my babies around me.  Only time will tell.   

Tomorrow begins our new adventure... Porter will be in school full time, Hudson will have pre-school Tu-W-Th from 12-3 and Amelia will be my little sidekick.   Photography is taking off slowly.  After being "on maternity leave" since last December I feel like I'm starting over in a way.  I need to give it time and have faith.  I'm committed.  In the meantime, I'm keeping busy with crafty things to make a little extra money.  Making signs, sewing ruffle pants and making hair bows to sell on etsy/facebook.  It's working out.  God is providing and I know He will continue to.  

I feel awful for Porter.  The last 2 days he's been complaining about a sore throat and stuffy nose.  I'm not joking y'all... my kids haven't been sick in over a year.  OVER A YEAR.   And of course the night before the first day of school my little guy gets sick.  :(  I hope he's feeling better in the morning.  I want him to have a great first day of First Grade!!

Glutton for punishment

Hudson and Amelia had well-baby checkups today (Hudson's 4yr and Amelia's 4mo).  I scheduled their appointments back to back so I could get them done in one fell swoop.  I decided to just take Porter along as well- why not, there are already 2 going, right?

Of course we were called right back and the second we entered teh 8x8 room my kids started acting like monkeys.  Porter was mouthy, Hudson was climbing all over.  Luckily, there wasn't a whole lot of time spent waiting, thank goodness.

I knew H and A were due for shots.  I knew Hudson would be pissed.  Amelia is too young to know what is coming so she wasn't an issue.  Then the doctor said they had flu shots available and asked if I'd like to do those as well.  Why not!!

Before the nurse even came back in, Porter was screaming and crying and kicking his legs and yelling he didn't want to get poked.   We almost had to call in reinforcements as I could barely hold onto him for her to poke him.  I covered his eyes and he didn't even know she gave him the shot.

Hudson, poor guy, got 4 pokes.  Amelia got 2.  Then we were done, got some stickers and in the car I told the boys how brave they were and gave them each a dollar HAHA!

So, I survived the doctor's trip with all 3 kids.  Somehow I always end up taking them all to the doctor... not fun.  Ugh.

We went to Lansing to pick my mom up from the airport and then headed to Gap and Children's Place to let the boys pick out a few things for back to school.  It wasn't as "fun" as I'd envisioned back to school shopping... although in hindsight I should have taken each of the kiddos on their own for a special date.  Oh well.  Maybe later in the year we will do that.

By the time we got home Hudson's leg was really sore.  He barely wanted to walk on it and wouldn't lift it to walk up the one step to our house.  I felt terrible for him as he really was in a lot of pain- crying and really upset, refusing to walk or touch his leg.  He spent most of the afternoon on the couch watching a movie. :(    The actual giving of the shot- I can totally take that.  It's a quick poke and sure it may be stingy for a minute or two but after that it's all done.  But this lingering pain, this bad, makes me feel awful for the little guy.  I don't think Porter ever had a shot that made him this sore, or either of the boys ever had shots that bothered them this much.  I hope that tomorrow Hudson wakes up and feels better!

I'm pretty much in denial that school starts on Tuesday.  It makes me so sad!  I feel like summer went by waaay too fast.  And I feel like we really didn't do much this summer.  :(  Can I have a do-over?  I feel like I've been short on patience all summer and I have definitely not been the type of mom I really need to be.  The type of mom the boys deserve.  I need to work harder on that.  I hope that once they both are in school I'll have a little more time to get work/photography things done and not have to stay up so late... hence the grumpiness.  I just feel like there aren't enough hours in the day.  I burn the candle from both ends and well, in the end everyone gets burned because of it.  *sigh*  Speaking of... I really need to be getting to bed!  I spent the evening purging and organizing.  My house is driving me crazy.  I'm determined to get rid of things and declutter before I lose my mind.

Good night!

Whacked Out Wednesday

Ugh. I started writing this post LAST Wednesday... and still haven't finished up.  What is my problem lately with blogging?

• The delivery people (mailman, FedEx, UPS) have got to be pretty used to seeing my van sitting in the driveway with the doors wide open.  They're always looking crazy-town.  Last week the Consumers guy came to let me know they'd be coming to trim a tree that touched the telephone wire.  As he rattled off the list of a few things he needed to let me know he quickly added in "And your van door is wide open"  Nice.
  
• Speaking of my van.  My Soccer-Mom-Mobile.  When I got my "new" (aka new to me) van I made a fleeting vow that I'd keep it clean and picked up and looking nice.  Well it wasn't but a couple months and Porter had keyed up the side with his bike and I'd managed to hit Ryan's truck in the driveway, denting in the door and side panel.  The inside?  Well, let's just say you can barely see the floor.  I'm a hopeless cause.
  
• My hair is finally long.  Well, ideally I'd like it longer but it is officially at the length I usually get to and then whack it all off again.  It takes forever to dry/style.  It's harder to manage.  Short hair is just...so... EASY.  I'd really love to chop it short like contemplating cutting hair like it was 3 years ago.... Short hair just always feels "done", kwim?   It seems like now I am always just throwing my hair in a ponytail.  EWW. 

• We have had a huge milestone in this house.... Porter can now tie his own shoes! WOOO HOO! We were never a velcro shoe family, so you can imagine how annoying laces have been after 6 years.  (Luckily, we did have a few pair of slip on converse etc.. that worked nicely).  In typical Porter fashion he pretty much taught himself.  We have tried numerous times to teach him and it always ended with him pissed off and frustrated.  All of a sudden he was able to tie his shoes the other day.  Crazy kid.
  
• Back to school shopping is no joke.... I went to Target tonight after a girls night out/dinner with some girlfriends.  I figured since I was sans kids I'd browse my mecca.   I had Ryan text me a pic of P's school list and after I picked up the "necessities" and then most of what was on the "please donate if you can" I walked out spending $75!  EEEK.  However, the amount of money teachers end up forking out of their own pockets is ridiculous so I always like to send in lots of goodies (and to make up for the parents who don't send things in at all... there are ALWAYS a handful of them every year).
  
  So... if you have kiddos in school... be kind, send in some helpful items for the classroom and continue to send a few things in randomly throughout the year.  What did I pick up today?  Kleenex (3 boxes), clorox wipes (4 containers), extra glue sticks (I think I actually bought about 15 glue sticks), pencils (I think I bought Porter like 60 pencils because trust me... 1st graders LOSE PENCILS LIKE NOTHING ELSE), forks and spoons and paper plates for the class, paper towels, sanitizing spray, hand sanitizer, crayons, etc.  I threw in a few treats for the teacher too (including an air freshener and some candy yum yum!).  

School's out for summer!!

It is hard to believe that Porter is now officially a 1st grader.  This is insane to me.  I say this about every milestone he passes, but this really blows my mind.  He's the same age as my students.  I wish I could slow time a little.   

I managed to get up early (for me... 7:30) as I'd asked Porter the night before to make sure he wakes me up before he goes downstairs to watch tv.  Sad, I know... I'm relying on my 6 year old to wake me up.  In my defense... I have 2 alarms on my phone that go off each morning, and somehow I end up turning them off in my sleep. I wake up around 8am and have no recollection of ever hearing my alarm or turning it off.  Grr.  That is so frustrating.  Oh back to the last day of school....  I threw on some clothes and some eye makeup (so I didn't scare anyone at school!), threw the teacher/aide/bus driver gifts into gift bags, got my camera and all 3 kids out the door EARLY!   The night before I had made Porter a blank book to collect phone numbers from his friends.  I also printed out little cards that say "Let's get together this summer!" with his name and phone number on them. He is always wanting to have playdates but he doesn't know anyone's phone numbers!  

Porter's kindergarten year has been amazing, with much much much thanks going to his amazing teacher, Mrs. McCave.  She has been so perfect for him.  I couldn't have asked for a teacher with a better personality fit for him.  She is kind, but firm.  She jokes sarcastically, yet is sensitive.  She is organized and consistent and creative.  She has pushed him academically and has made his first official year of school such a positive experience.  I can only hope his teachers in the future have so many of these amazing qualities.  I'm so sad to say goodbye to this school year, but so excited to watch Porter continue to grow and learn!