sunday

I'm sitting here in the house... alone... the only noises I hear are the dogs walking on the wood floors and the washer.   Ryan is off at a friends house teaching him how to use his essential oils and Ningxia Red he just bought, the boys are at the neighbors house playing, and the girls are upstairs-resting- hopefully.   What is happening that I have a free hour or so of quiet time to me that I am not obligated to be working?   EEK!

Things going through my mind today:

• I feel like a good parenting balancer this afternoon. (I know, that's not a word.  Parenting Balancer.  Pssshhh).    Earlier today, Porter ran errands with his Papa, came home and asked to go to the neighbors to play.   Off he went.   Hudson and Amelia were occupied upstairs (messing up Hudson's room) and later on, Hudson wanted to go.  I don't always think to ask if a) their rooms are cleaned or b) have them do "odd jobs" to earn their time to play but today I made Hudson.  He had to clean his room and bring his laundry downstairs and put a load of his laundry in the washing machine.  I'm feeling good about this.  Why?  We are SO hard on Porter.  We know this.  We recognize it.  He's the "compliant" kid.  He does what he's told (most of the time).  He's easy to ask to do things.   Hudson... needs work.   And sometimes we slack at parenting and let him get away with NOT doing things because its easier.  Today, he did his jobs without arguing or complaining.  He learned a little bit more about responsibility (and about turning his clothes right side out before putting in the laundry HA!).  And today, Porter got a free ticket to play without obligation.   It's all about balancing, folks.   (Though I'm sure we'll be off balance again at some time)
• Why is Eloise fighting this nap?   We laid her down at noon, but then around 1pm Hudson and Amelia were fighting in Hudson's room, loud enough to hear downstairs.  By 2pm Ryan brought Lu downstairs wide awake.  I'm not sure she ever slept.  I laid her back down because MAMA NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME.   She's not having it but I'm demanding an hour of sitting in her crib.  
• What house project should we tackle next?  I feel like so many are intertwined.  I want to put up board and batten in the girls' bathroom, but we need to figure out the tile first (because the tile IS the baseboard, so that'll have to come out... and if that comes out the floor might as well come out).   Do we do the kitchen countertops?   If we do those, do we need to paint the cabinets first?  If we do the countertops that means... no new cabinets fora  LONG time if we end up staying here (not likely).  I want a new entry table for the foyer but maybe I should get a bench?   But... maybe we won't be using that for coats/shoes for long if we turn the laundry room into a mud room.  What about our laundry room... I want to move that to the basement (we have 2 storage rooms down there and one would be perfect for a laundry room) and turn that into a mudroom.   UGH!
• We're thinking of taking the kids on "birthday trips" this year.  The travel bug is itching me bad right now.  I asked the kids where they would want to go if they could go anywhere or see anything in the US.   Porter said New York City/Statue of Liberty/Empire State Building.  Hudson wants to see the Titanic Shipwreck Museum in Canada.  Amelia... who knows.   So, we're thinking of taking Porter to NYC for his birthday weekend, just Ryan, Porter and I.   And Hudson... he's SO in luck.   A museum about an hour away is going to have THE SAME Titanic exhibit from Jan-May!   I'm not sure I can hold out until May to take him though, so maybe we'll do his trip early and just do a low-key family birthday for him on his actual birthday (especially since Lu's birthday is 4 days later).  Amelia... I'm thinking of taking her on a girls weekend or overnight trip to Chicago, or maybe to Disney World just to the Magic Kingdom.   I'm excited to get some one on one time with these kiddos!  
• It's colder than cold outside right now.  Its so cold your throat closes up when you walk outside and your face hurts and even your skin hurts through your pants (if you're wearing leggings HAHA).   I love the snow but... this cold is TOO cold.  
• Christmas is still up at our house.   I'd really like to saran wrap our tree and just put it in the barn or something for the year LOL!  Not that it'd fit easily out a door or anything.  It's 12'.  :(  We (or I, actually) have been slowly taking down decorations and dropping them in the basement.  I guess that's our current state of packing it away... taking it to the storage room downstairs and dropping it in a huge Christmas pile.  Once we get the upstairs rid of Christmas, we will tackle the storage room and organize, I guess? 
• Everyone is talking about New Years goals/resolutions.  I'm not making any.  Want to know why?  Because I never freaking follow through with them and then it just makes me feel crappy. So this year... I'm not making one stupid resolution. So there!

Arrived

Lately I've been reflecting on my life and role at home and in the workplace and my identity and all that fun stuff.  I was so worried when I quit my job that I'd really miss being able to call myself a teacher, to identify myself as a working woman- a working mother.  I do feel that way sometime, like when I meet someone new I often feel the urge to mention I'm not just a non-working mom.....  I have my degree.   I wanted to teach.  That my plan was always to be a working mom.  Really.  From the time I was in highschool thinking about colleg I always knew, thought, I'd be a work outside the home mom.  

But plans change.  Life changes.  Things get rearranged and it slowly starts to work out.

I always wanted to work so we would never have to live paycheck to paycheck.  Well news flash.  We always pretty much have.  Sure, we provide for the kids and we go on vacations and we don't want for a whole lot but we also don't have much savings (aside from rys 401k), I drive an older van, Ry drives a 7 year old truck and my student loans continue to accrue interest while the extra $$ is not there up pay on them.  I look back and think how I wanted so badly to work full time.  I wanted the income.  But I realize now that luckily we have never relied on a full time income from me, and that is allowing me this "freedom" to take on this new path. 

I worried that quitting my job was a bad choice.  That it was the wrong path to take.  That it wouldn't be beneficial to our family.  That we would never be able to make it.  

I know I'm only a few weeks into this gig but so far, we are making it.  And while I still feel I have to explain my new role, I am slowly recognizing myself as an artist, a photographer. A work at home mom.  I'm still juggling.  I haven't figured out how to get much work done during the day while Amelia is still so needy and still pull some late nights editing pictures.  My house always seems to be a disaster.   I still have sacrifices.... because I am now working primarily evenings/weekends I'm going to miss every single one of Porter's football practices :(   My paycheck consisted of selling random signs and artwork, which is slightly humiliating when I compare that to a "real" job-outside-the-home with bosses and clock-ins and benefits.  And to be honest, I'm not sure what the next few months hold and how things will work out during "slow season".   But I'm going to have faith. 

It's funny how it all seems to work out.  I recently found out that my position at the school had to take a pay cut.  On top of no benefits, no sick days or paid school days off, or pay during the summer.  And with Amelia needing full time day are there is no way it would have benefited us.  The puzzle pieces are slowly falling together as I see how So many "no's"  have led me to this direction, a much better direction.  

I still feel silly considering myself an artist- a photographer.  But I know I will arrive.  I know through hard work and determination and faith and hope that this will work.  That this is the path I've been directed to.  That this can be my new identity and it will be okay.  That it is enough.  

Heading in no direction at all

Wow.  This past week has thrown me into a whirlwind of different directions.  Since quitting my job I feel like I have so many options, so many ideas, but not sure if I have the guts to go certain ways and if I did have the guts... which way do I go?

This week I've had so many thoughts run through my mind about quitting my job.  This may sound silly.  I didn't WANT to quit my job... but I didn't want to keep that job forever.  I was part time (4 days/week) and had no benefits/vacation time/sick time etc (benefits aren't a big deal- Ry has great insurance at work).  I wanted to be teaching full time- using my degree in the way it was intended.  I wanted my own classroom.  I wanted to plan lessons.  I wanted to create the structure and routine and rules in my classroom.  The end of my job basically boiled down to this... there was opportunity for me to be full time, but they were not willing to give me the opportunity to try.  Long story short: they no longer wanted me there full time (which, the first 3-4 years I was there I heard numerous times how they would love to have me full time, yadda yadda yadda).  So, it was either stick it out some more in the position I was in or take that slap in the face and find something else to do.   And so I'm finding something else.

I'm not saying I don't want to teach.  I do.  I went to school to be a teacher and I love nothing more than to be at the front of a classroom (or in the middle of one, helping students) and in charge.  I love it, I truly do.  And I feel like that is where I (in MY mind) am meant to be.  However, I'm wondering if God has other plans.  Maybe what I envisioned as my "ideal" life direction isn't quite what I thought.

So, for now I'm a drifter.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  I could sub this fall... but subs make crappy money.  And I don't particularly like subbing where I don't get to form a relationship with my students.  That's one of my favorite things... getting to know the kids in my class and them being able to trust me and look up to me.  Subbing doesn't often develop those relationships.  I could send out a ton of resumes and hope for a full time position (which I'll probably do).

What I can't help but think this big kick in the rear is for is to get me to take the leap into photography.  I've always thought I could make a decent living doing photography, and that the flexibility of being my own boss and making my own schedule would allow me more time with my babies that are still at home.  However.... I have not wanted to quit a secure job on a whim.  But... now that I HAVE quit that job, and it was essentially a dead end road and that was my only option (that or be a Lit Coach forever), I am wondering if this is the time- if this is my chance to see what could be with my photography business.  I've been listening to my new Needtobreathe cd lately and there is a song called "Second Chance" that has been really speaking to me lately...

"I can't help but fear I've done this wrong
Cause seldom second chances come along
If time can break us, it will make us strong
Cause seldom second chances come along"

My thoughts right now are this.... Schedule 2 days/week for photography.  These days I'd need a sitter for Hudson and Amelia.  I'd do sessions + edit on those days.  That would leave me 3 days/week to be home with the littles.  I'm not sure if sending Hudson to preschool would be in the budget (though I'm sure we would now qualify for the income based preschool?), but I could do a preschool curriculum with him on the 3 days I'm home.

Some of my fears:

• I won't book enough sessions.  No explanation needed... mortgage needs to be paid and money has to come in. 
• I won't manage my finances properly... the thought of not "clocking in and getting a paycheck" is scary.  I like that comfort/safety net.  Being my own boss, making my own income and spreading it out evenly throughout a month is not my strongest point I don't think. 
• I won't manage my time wisely.  You're on a computer..... you're no stranger to the way the internet sucks you in.  What if I get sucked into Facebook or Craigslist or Blogs instead of working?  What if the laundry is calling my name or the dirty bathroom floor is screaming at me to wash it?  Will I be able to overlook all those things that will be staring in my face when working at home and stay focused on actually using those 2 work days to WORK?
• Will I be able to separate my "home" time with "work" time?  I don't want to end up editing sessions all weekend or in the evenings.  I don't want to find myself corresponding with clients in the evenings when Ryan is home and we should be spending time as a family.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well... I've found in the past when I'm busy with photography I hate the thought of letting an email sit or a clients question wait until another time.  I feel like when it hits my inbox, I should respond. 
• Is this responsible for a 30 year old to just switch careers?  What about retirement... what do self employed people do?  What if I want to go back into teaching?  Will it be easy?  If I start teaching in 5 years or so, will that affect my ability to be hired? What about the 9 credits I need to get still?  Do I continue school to get those credits or say screw it? 
• Am I okay with the identity of "I'm a photographer" rather than "I'm a teacher"?  Will I feel sad to not be in the teaching world?   

See... so many thoughts running through my head.  Part of me (a big part of me) is just saying..... DO IT!  Take a year or two or three and just explore your options.  See where photography takes you.  Stay home with your babies while they're little.   It's okay to not have a "career" right now... many people stay home far into their 30's and don't work at all and they don't seem to be worrying about a career and accruing years toward retirement.   That big part of me wants to just go with the flow and follow my passion for photography.  But there is another part of me that wants me to think it is nonsensical to do such a thing.  

*sigh* 

So many thoughts.  So much to think about.  So much hanging in the balance.  Right now I feel like I'm heading in no direction at all.  

This morning

• This morning is the only day of the week we (me and the kids) can sleep in until 7:30ish to get Porter off to school at 8:15.  Normally during the week I'm having to wake the kids up.  Today?  They were up and at em at 6:30.  What the hell.  
• Speaking of waking up... my wake up this morning consisted of a 90lb Goldendoodle at my feet, a 30lb puppy on one side of me, a kid on the other and another kid on the other side of the puppy.  We need a bigger bed.  
• Dreading my doctor's appointment this morning.  I've been gaining weight like... like... like... a food addict this pregnancy. 
• No, I did not google "average weight of boobs" this morning to see how much weight my size E's might possibly have added onto my pregnancy weight.  
• While waiting for the bus with Porter this morning, he shoveled the sidewalk and driveway out front.  Kids are pretty useful!

Tuesday Thoughts

• This fall weather is so wonderful.  I'm loving the 60-70* temps.  My absolute FAVORITE.
  
• Tonight I'm finally feeling back into more of a normal routine.  Got home in time to get P off the bus, the boys played outside with the dogs (oops still need to do a post on that) and now they're over at the neighbors playing.  I can hear their laughter echoing through the windows while Jack Johnson on iTunes sings through the house.  Ribs are on the grill... carrots and biscuits are in the oven and the weather is just perfect.  What a good night.
  
• I've noticed brown sugar has become my "special ingredient" to cooking.  I always add it to chicken fajitas... and tonight told Ry to add some to the ribs... and then I went and added some onto my carrots I'm baking.  YUMM.  I love that sweet/spicy taste.
   
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Random Ramblings

• Last week was the Jackson County Fair.  And I avoided it this year :)  I'm not sure but I just had no desire to spend the money, brave the crowds and eat the fattening foods.  
• Ryan did take the boys to the Monster Trucks on Friday night.  I'm hoping LeeAnn got some pictures (LeeAnn... ??).  I put my point and shoot camera on the seat of the van and Ryan STILL left it in the van!
• Thursday I had a really bad day.  A really really bad day.  But, I'm moving on and trying to work things out.  
• Friday I had some girls over (Lori, Stephanie and LeeAnn) to scrapbook.  I didn't feel like I got much done but really I did.  I got caught up on Project Life and it was nice to vent and talk with some ladies.  I feel like I've had zero Mommy Time this summer. 
• I'm really dreading work starting.  Really.  Dreading. 
• I really really wish I could stay home with the boys.  I know, after my really really bad day, I still do.  
• Medication switch isn't going so hot.  See the private blog. 
• We are "testing" out Ryan's friends camper this week at Mackinaw. (actually, we have it for a month as we paid for his next month's payment). Its a 26' camper with slide-out.  I like it, but.... I don't think it'll work for our family of 4 (someday 5).  And while campers have not been even ON my radar, I'm now browsing browsing Craigslist for hybrids.  Not sure what will come of this... we may just stick with tent camping as I really kind of enjoy it (just not the packing up/unloading part).  
• I keep thinking if we DID get a camper we'd be able to camp in April/May and September/October as well as our once-a-month camping trips in the summer.  Its hard to camp just for a Fri night-Sunday when tent camping as there is SO much stuff to pack up and prep time etc.  If we had a camper it'd be stocked already and we'd just have to throw together clothes and food and could take off for a weekend. 
• The boys have been full of silly sayings lately.  (See previous posts).  Hudson has been a riot... he's such a little shit lately but oh my word he can turn on the charm!
• My grad class is finally done and I really feel so free!  I've also sent out nearly 40 resumes this summer and had Z-E-R-O response.  Ugh.  
• I've been pushing Ryan to apply for jobs in Wilmington, NC and nearby areas.  I figure if he can get a job I'll just sub until I find something fulltime.  It wouldn't be much different than the job I'm doing now, especially if Ryan got paid more at a new job. 
• I'm really looking forward to a week of relaxation with the family.  Ryan has been gone SO much lately.  He has been working a ton and is finishing up his last class for his degree (which he walked in June but still had one class to finish over the summer).  It will be nice to spend some time together for once!
• Our yard is finally 100% fenced in.  It looks a little silly right now as we have a cattle/farm gate across our driveway but plan to "face" it with the same wood privacy fence that the rest of the yard has.  The cattle fence will essentially serve as a frame for the wood fence.  It is really nice to be able to let the dogs out and run!  The dogs seem to love it too.  The boys, well Porter loves opening the gate for me when we leave or get home LOL!  

my day in under 140c

• this morning started way too early.  9 am and the day was already 2 hours old.
• MY BIKE IS HERE MY BIKE IS HERE! The boys are excited too. Porter screams "That is WICKED!" Bah hahah!~
• Holy Lime Green!!
• oh my holy bike assembly. ugh. love the bike... its kind of big though. didn't realize 700c (in the item title) meant bigger (aka road) tires. its a little tall, but it fits. and its pretty!
• laundry laundry laundry.... good thing hulu has a few episodes of Real Housewives to watch.
• oma took the boys to see cars 2 (hudson's b-day present from her).  a couple kid free hours for me.  what am i doing? cleaning this house.  it is a sty!!
• today is the twinnies birthday.  happy birthday sweet girls! i can't believe it has been a year already since their amazing entrance to the world. congrats jane and adam... you survived the first year!!! :) 
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Bloggy Thoughts

I need some advice... some alternate views, input, on my blog situation.  I really hate being private.  I miss the blog community and simplicity of a public blog.  But, let's face it, I'm a very OPEN person when it comes to blogging and (especially as of late) there are many topics I don't prefer co-workers, employers, clients or other people in my "real life" to read.

My first thought was to change over to Wordpress, which will allow me to password some posts if I want.  I have transferred my blog, went through and passworded posts (there are 15 in the past year, to be exact) and I've now realized I really don't want to deal with Wordpress.  First off, its costly.  The free WP gives you only a select few templates, a narrow blog with tiny header.  You have to pay to customize CSS etc.  Basically, any "extras" you pay for.  I really don't want to financially support my blog just because there are some topics (mainly therapy) that I don't want to remain public.  

I'm wondering if I should just delete those posts, or unpublish them, or create a "therapy blog" altogether.  Hmm...    This would make sense as I am not sure I want some of those posts to be in my Blog Books for my kids to read once they're older.  Although... this is real, these are issues I'm struggling with and I'm not sure my kids are really going to sit down and read through a 400 page blog book before they're an adult.  I dunno... maybe?  Who knows.  But, I hate "blocking" this part of my life (as much as I hate that it IS part of my life and something I'm struggling with right now)

I'm also thinking... maybe change my blog address and keep it private from Facebook (which is where co-workers have contact with me).  I think I will do this regardless.... I've "published" my blog on FB with NetworkedBlogs  (only b/c it is private right now and I know no one can read it w/o a password) but I don't think that I want to do that anymore.  If I changed the blog addy, I could essentially "start over" with readers.

So.... what to do.  Ideas?  Please? 

Watch what you're thankful for...

Of course it backfires when I decide to be optimistic about the rain and be thankful that it has created such beautiful greenery around us.

It was cold and rainy all. stinkin. weekend. 

This was not good for our plans to put up 4' wood fencing around our yard.  Ryan got about 5 of the post holes dug and posts concreted in, and he also purchased all the fence panels but was unable to get anything else done.  Friday WAS beautiful, I can't complain about that.  Only.... I spent the day... the only gorgeous day of the weekend... doing a garage sale at my sisters.  I made a whopping $60 (ok, so its $60 more than I had before Friday and I didn't have any other plans but to sit around all day anyhow... which is what I did at the garage sale).  I hate garage sales.

Today is sunny but very chilly.  When will it warm up???

What else is new:

• Duncan got his hair lopped off on Friday.  I was so ready for it to be trimmed and ultimately decided to let her go shorter with his hair so we could go a little longer in between haircuts.  It had been 3 months since he was last groomed and that is TOO long.  We're going to try 8 weeks this time.  My word... I spend more on his hair than I do my own!  $55 every 8 weeks??? GAH!  I didn't' realize this when I decided to get a Goldendoodle.  We love him though.  

• Today started out just like a Monday...  I backed into the trailer that Ryan parked in the driveway full of fence panels.  I didn't see it on that side of the van and it is low so I didn't see it in the rearview.  Jacked up my bumper... made a hole in it .  GRR.   Then the vending machine in the lounge was out of water AND pop. And then I found out that while I had been hopeful at the prospect of 2, possibly 3, positions being open at my school next year... it isn't so.  Other people are filtering into those positions and its likely there aren't any openings at the other elementary schools either.  The next few weeks I'm going to get resumes ready and do my annual "turn in your resume to every school around" event.  Ugh.  I'm thinking of applying out of town as well... I hate to do that because of gas and I'd hate to have to commute and cut into my time with my kids. 
  
• I've decided to go back on Zoloft.  Target Pharmacy is filling my scrip as I type I'm sure.  While I've learned a lot of techniques to dealing with my stress/anxiety, I'm finding that the stressful things are piling up and I'm spending more time talking myself down from the stress and spending more time helping myself get through my anxiety than I am enjoying my life.  I think for the time begin I need a little helper and hopefully once life is a little more stable... I'm not working 2 jobs etc... then I'll try ditching them again. 
  
• There are only 4 weeks of school left.... this one being the only full week!  I can't wait for summer. Stressed though as we're about $1200 short  of having enough $$ to cover my checks throughout the summer.  I'll be picking up a few extra photography jobs this summer and trying to stay away from stores as much as possible.
  
• Last week Porter started t-ball.  He has 2 left hand mitts (so, for right hand throwing)... of course he's the opposite. He has practice tonight at 5 and I am not going to be able to get to the store to buy him a new mitt.  Hope he can muster one last practice being backwards HAHA!

And even older news:

• Our second follow-up with Dr. Bloom and Porter's ultrasound (May 2nd) was pretty much inconclusive.... everything looks a-okay inside and he hasn't been having his "episodes" lately so as of now we're doing nothing.  If things start acting up again Dr. Bloom said to call and make an appointment but for now he doesn't see the need to do anything else.
  
  
• During these trips to Mott's, I've really been enjoying my time with Porter.  I need to make more one on one time for each of the boys. They are such special little people and its amazing how their true personalities shine when they are my main focus.  These trips have also made me realize how incredibly lucky and blessed I am that we are only visiting Motts for a simple pee issue.  We have seen so many young children... and babies... with so many battles they are facing.  It makes me really count my blessings and be thankful that our visits here are for simple issues and that my children are healthy. 
  
  
• 3rd Annual Mega Meet/Archiver's trip (May 6th) was great.  This year it was me, Jane, LeeAnn, Jessica, Lori and Cristi that went.  I didn't get many pages done at Archiver's but I did get some great new product.  I was almost ready to back out of the the trip because of my crazy "missing my kids" feelings (oh, and Hudson also barfed Friday morning but we have a fabulous babysitter who said "GO! and I'll take care of it!" Bless you, Sam!).  I'm glad I went.
  
  
• Easter... boy I never blogged Easter.  Well, same as every year... we went to Lori and Don's, had dinner, egg hunt.  Kids played, I napped for a bit, everyone else played Phase 10, took some pictures outside of the monkeys in bunny ears.  Good times all around. 

If it is important...

A few weeks ago I found this quote on Pinterest (have you found Pinterest yet?  No?  Go there... find me.  I'm nic073).  I love it (the quote that is.  I do love Pinterest but that's not what this post is about).  It absolutely is the whole honest to goodness truth.  I mirror this quote with the hobbies and activities I choose to fill my time with and it is true... if it is important, I find a way.  All else, I tend to find an excuse.  I hear a lot of people say "I don't have the time to ________ (insert activity of choice)" and in my mind I think... no, you just don't view it as a priority.  If it were important to you to ____________, you would find a way.  You would rearrange your schedule.  You'd make time.  You'd drop other time-clutter activities and find a way for those that are important. 

I've done this a lot this year. There are a lot of things I have made excuses for, as well, and have realized it is because those things aren't my priorities.  And that's okay.   Are there things I've dropped that I feel a bit guilty about?  Sure.  But to me it is part of my Word.  Simplicity.  Finding the simplicity among the clutter... the mind clutter, the home clutter, the time clutter.  It is a work in progress, and I'm sure there are things I will be deleting off my list of To-Do's and things I will be adding, but each and every one I have found I am analyzing and calculating just how it fits into this scheme of life that I find important. 

So I've caught myself quite a few times making excuses... saying "I can't because..." or "I wish I had...."  or "If only..."   and I have been acknowleding the underlying reason for my excuses.  That these things just aren't important to me right now in the grand scheme of things.  Sure there might be a time in the future I want to exercise more diligantly or learn a new skill or take up a new hobby.  But for now, I realize those things aren't my priority and that's okay with me. 

Baby Talk

This weekend I've had babies on my mind.  And probably not the way you THINK I'd have babies on my mind.  Ryan's cousin had a baby shower on Saturday and today I had a newborn session.  Oddly, through this all I barely feel a tinge of the ol' Baby Fever.  I thought for sure by now, with Porter turning 5 and Hudson almost 3, that I'd be itching for another baby asap.  Not so.  And its kind of scaring me!  We've always wanted and talked about having 3 kids.  And I still DO want 3 kids.  And I don't want them to be super far apart in age (which means, ahem, HELLO get moving!).  However.... the thought of being pregnant and then having a needy infant just does not seem so appealing to me right now!  Getting fat, having boobs the size of watermelons, trying to lose MORE weight, sleepless nights, divvying up time between 3 kids, dealing with toddler tantrums on top of a newborn... EHHHHH.  

Am I crazy?  What is wrong with me?  I wish we had the money and could just adopt because at this point I think I'd do it in a heartbeat.  However, that's not the case and unless we win the lottery or some long lost great uncle passes away and leaves us his fortune we aren't financially able to fork out $30k for adoption.   I know I (well, WE... because Ryan has been wanting another baby since Hudson turned 1!) want another child but I just am not so thrilled with the whole process.  In a sense I think maybe we should just jump the gun and get it over with so I can get back on Weight Watchers, get pregnancy over, get my body and life back to myself and then we'd have our family complete.  Ta-da!  

Another thing I'm worried about is my job... I'm hoping hoping hoping to be full time this fall, I'm THINKING there is going to be a couple positions available in my building and HOPING that I can snag one of them up.  Which would be wonderful!  However, I'm worried that if I'm pregnant when they interview that I'll be less likely to get the job because I'd need to take a maternity leave during the year.   Maybe this is something I should talk to my boss about?  Not that I have any guarantee of getting hired full time (good GOD its about time though!!!), but at least I could be reassured, or given the heads up, if a maternity leave could hinder my getting a position?  

Auuuugh.  I almost wish we'd just decided to have another baby last summer/fall and gotten it over with so we could get on with our little family.  I know that sounds awful to think of another child's impending arrival as "hurry up and get it over with"... but I don't really LOVE being pregnant and I feel I'm slipping into this selfish stage of life where I'm slowly losing interest in the sweetness of an infant. Although that stage is so quick, I just worry if we wait too much longer I'll nix the entire idea completely and in 5 or 10 years I don't want to regret never adding that 3rd child to our family. I don't feel our family is complete at this time, but I just am not sure when the RIGHT time is to complete it?

Anyone else been in this position?  Had these thoughts?  This is so weird to me because my whole reasoning for spacing out Child #2 and Child #3 was so that I avoided having annual Baby Fever... I wanted to wait until I really really really really wanted a 3rd child and could really cherish and enjoy that baby stage.  Now I feel like I've waited too long and the excitement of it is long past.  

Birthday Party Woes

I'm feeling super guilty this year....  Porter turns 5 on Monday and we are NOT having a birthday party for him.  We decided, instead, to take him to Great Wolf Lodge this coming Thursday-Saturday (we are meeting up with Lori, Don and the girls so he'll get to spend the weekend with family/cousins).  I know he's going to be SO excited about Great Wolf Lodge but all he keeps talking about is a birthday party with friends from school!  I feel terrible because 1) he's turning 5... which is kind of a big deal birthday to me  and 2) he's in school all week so he has friends he is close to at school and he's also been invited to a few of their b-days as well.

I did make plans for Donnie and Aubri (and Lukas, possibly) to come over on Monday (his b-day... and no school b/c of President's Day!) to play.  We're going to do a Spiderman Pinata, decorate cupcakes and let the kids play for a bit.  He will wake up Monday morning to Birthday Balloons (this year... ALL green!) as goes our newest tradition.  And after Ryan gets home I plan to wow him with a GREEN layered cake with GREEN frosting and a GREEN Lego Dump Truck on top, and GREEN plates, GREEN napkins and GREEN cups.  Our presents to him are going to be roller blades and a "Surprise: Great Wolf Lodge!" present (a green striped towel, green scuba mask, new swim trunks and a brochure and pictures of Great Wolf Lodge).

In my head I'm thinking "I've done a good job... I've done TONS of things to make him feel special this birthday... I'm not failing because we're not having the normal party decked out with a cute theme."  But I can't help but feel I'm letting him down because all he seems to wish for this year is a party with his friends!  GRRRR.

So, what do you typically do for birthdays?  Do you have a party with friends for your kids?  Do you just have family over?  Is it quiet and intimate with just immediate family that live in the house?  What would you do if you were to replace a party with a trip to a fun place?  Is 5 too young for them to realize the "swap"?

*sigh*

Updates Bullet Style

I can't believe I've barely blogged in the month of February.  I had planned to do the Joy of Love workshop by Willette but sadly only did Day 1.  I may attempt to do the pictures for it, as a challenge, and post them later.  Who knows.  I haven't been very inspired to take pictures lately (other than snapshots).

I don't seem to have much to update... so I'll do it bullet-style today.

• I have begun Project Life (by Becky Higgins) to cover a bulk of my 2011 scrapbooking.  I love it so far, and I think its given me a whole new perspective on scrapbooking and documenting my kids' (and our families) lives.  I am still doing traditional, fun-play-with-paper scrapbook pages but I've also begun going back through 2010 and putting together collages and digital layouts for pictures I don't necessarily have a story for. 
  
  If you've ever wished you were a scrapbooker but never felt like you had the time or creativity BUT still wanted to have things documented alongside photographs... Project Life is right up your alley.  Here are a few bloggers/scrapbookers/websites showcasing their PL's"
  
  Ali Edwards: http://aliedwards.com/projects/365-project-life
  Michelle Wooderson:
  Lisa Truesdell
  Pine is Here (loove that she and her friend split up their journaling cards and headers so they had more of an expanded set!  DUH!!!  Anyone with the Amber Kit want to swap some with me?)
• I've been reading a few books that have been so SO inspiring and eye opening to me.  I've also begun keeping a paper journal to write down notes from these books, quotes of inspiration and words of wisdom to keep forefront on my mind.  The first is Eat Pray Love, which I have kind of stalled on reading. I went to therapy (counseling? What is it really called??) and we discussed a lot of mediation, mindfulness, compassion and connectiveness techniques and it reminded me of the book Momfulness that I received a few years ago for Christmas.  She suggested I start reading it and when we met up this week I was telling her all the wonderful things that I'd gotten from the book thus far.  I love it, and it inspires me to TRY to be a better mom and person.
• Weight Watchers is going great... I've kind of slowed down on Zumba, but since its been warmer I've been walking outside.   I've lost 8.5lbs (yes... that .5 is significant HAHA!).  And today at lunch I had 2 co-workers ask if I'd lost weight and tell me I looked great.  WOOO HOO!  That is so so motivating.  I want to lose MORE!  Ideally I want to lose 10 more lbs, which I hope hope won't be as hard to lose as the first 8.5.  I just need to buckle down and stay on track.  My WW group on FB has been very helpful to talk to other girls who are doing WW Online. 

So I think that's it for now.   I'm going to try try try to post more often.  Sometimes I feel like if I don't blog I "lose" that part of my life because I don't remember it!  Silly, I know.  But I was thinking back on the past few weeks and I can't remember days because I hadn't been blogging.  Sad.  :-(

Friday Morning Chillies

The sun is shining but BRRRR it's cold! 10* to be exact.

Going to weigh Duncan. Our guesses:
Hudson- 80lbs
Porter- 90lbs
Me- 120lbs

I'm wearing my first pair of skinny jeans since elementary school. I suppose now they'd be considered fat girl skinny jeans haha! I am wearing Uggs with them so they don't look tooooooooo hideous on this curvy mama.

Sent from my iPhone

Zumba Thursday

Taking Porter with me to "Family Zumba". This should be interesting. Hopefully he will burn some of his never-ending energy!

Sent from my iPhone

I love...

• that Hudson still calls the doorbell the "Canoodle".  
• unexpected snow days
• talking with an old friend 
• the UPS truck... especially when it is bringing me something good!
• Porter's creativity
• listening to my two boys play and use their imaginations together
• a clean and organized house
• watching America's Funniest Home Videos with my family and laughing our butts off!
• when vehicles flash their headlights and warn you of a police car ahead

Private Post: Turning over a new leaf

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Little Happy Things

• My momma is here visiting for 10 days.  'Nuff said.  When I picked Porter up from preschool he must have said 10 times "I'm so excited to see Grammie!"  (which is a "new name" he's given her)
  
• I got home to find my grandma (aka Oma to the boys) had helped the boys decorate gingerbread men, make me cards and had gotten me ornaments from them.   I love her so much.
  
• Porter... my rough and tumble boy... is such the ladies man at preschool.  So strange to me, yet so cute.  I ask him everyday who he played with that day and everyday its the same... "Cadence and Heaven."   The other day Heaven made him a Christmas card and I said "Is Heaven your girlfriend?"  He says "Yeah, but I'm going to marry Cadence."   HAHA!
  
• Only one more week of school and then 2 weeks off!  Trying to plan a trip to see the Morrisons.  Ryan's on call for New Years so I'm not sure that's going to pan out, but I'm hoping to get down there in Jan.  I miss them and I am anxious to see the kids together!  They haven't seen each other since Hudson was a newborn, Porter and Sawyer were 2.5 and Savannah was... 5?

It's my Birthday Eve (how in the world am I turning 29 tomorrow??) and I'm listening to Coldplay, drinking some Diet Dr. Pepper and cleaning my office/organizing scrapbook stuff.  Peace and quiet!  Not worrying about my Master's class, client pictures, work, Christmas shopping or laundry.  

Private Post: Keep smiling. Keep shining.

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Randomly thinking about...

• Why do I seem to take on so many house projects at one time?
  
• Do I have ADD?
  
• Has this summer been unseasonably hot and muggy or am I just getting old and can't handle the heat?
  
• Has there been like a month long full moon making people crazy?
  
• Why do my kids fight over toys so much?
  
• Why can't I seem to keep my house organized?
  
• Does laundry breed when left alone in the laundry room?
  
• Why do people who claim to hate drama seem to be the ones making the drama for themselves?
  
• How often do they redo the highways... because it seems like every other year?
  
• Is there a such thing as a bag addiction aka addiction to purchasing bags?
  
• How do people on that show NOT know they are pregnant?
  
• Is it possible to be in love with your phone?
  
• Where am I going to get the money to take a Master's course this fall?  And this winter... and next summer and so on?
  
• Where am I going to get the time to work 4 full days a week, run my photography business on nights/weekends, spend time with my family and take care of a house and go to school. Not to mention my husband will be in school too.  Hmm...
  
• Can we plant trees in our backyard without ruining our drain field?