sunday

I'm sitting here in the house... alone... the only noises I hear are the dogs walking on the wood floors and the washer.   Ryan is off at a friends house teaching him how to use his essential oils and Ningxia Red he just bought, the boys are at the neighbors house playing, and the girls are upstairs-resting- hopefully.   What is happening that I have a free hour or so of quiet time to me that I am not obligated to be working?   EEK!

Things going through my mind today:

• I feel like a good parenting balancer this afternoon. (I know, that's not a word.  Parenting Balancer.  Pssshhh).    Earlier today, Porter ran errands with his Papa, came home and asked to go to the neighbors to play.   Off he went.   Hudson and Amelia were occupied upstairs (messing up Hudson's room) and later on, Hudson wanted to go.  I don't always think to ask if a) their rooms are cleaned or b) have them do "odd jobs" to earn their time to play but today I made Hudson.  He had to clean his room and bring his laundry downstairs and put a load of his laundry in the washing machine.  I'm feeling good about this.  Why?  We are SO hard on Porter.  We know this.  We recognize it.  He's the "compliant" kid.  He does what he's told (most of the time).  He's easy to ask to do things.   Hudson... needs work.   And sometimes we slack at parenting and let him get away with NOT doing things because its easier.  Today, he did his jobs without arguing or complaining.  He learned a little bit more about responsibility (and about turning his clothes right side out before putting in the laundry HA!).  And today, Porter got a free ticket to play without obligation.   It's all about balancing, folks.   (Though I'm sure we'll be off balance again at some time)
• Why is Eloise fighting this nap?   We laid her down at noon, but then around 1pm Hudson and Amelia were fighting in Hudson's room, loud enough to hear downstairs.  By 2pm Ryan brought Lu downstairs wide awake.  I'm not sure she ever slept.  I laid her back down because MAMA NEEDS SOME ALONE TIME.   She's not having it but I'm demanding an hour of sitting in her crib.  
• What house project should we tackle next?  I feel like so many are intertwined.  I want to put up board and batten in the girls' bathroom, but we need to figure out the tile first (because the tile IS the baseboard, so that'll have to come out... and if that comes out the floor might as well come out).   Do we do the kitchen countertops?   If we do those, do we need to paint the cabinets first?  If we do the countertops that means... no new cabinets fora  LONG time if we end up staying here (not likely).  I want a new entry table for the foyer but maybe I should get a bench?   But... maybe we won't be using that for coats/shoes for long if we turn the laundry room into a mud room.  What about our laundry room... I want to move that to the basement (we have 2 storage rooms down there and one would be perfect for a laundry room) and turn that into a mudroom.   UGH!
• We're thinking of taking the kids on "birthday trips" this year.  The travel bug is itching me bad right now.  I asked the kids where they would want to go if they could go anywhere or see anything in the US.   Porter said New York City/Statue of Liberty/Empire State Building.  Hudson wants to see the Titanic Shipwreck Museum in Canada.  Amelia... who knows.   So, we're thinking of taking Porter to NYC for his birthday weekend, just Ryan, Porter and I.   And Hudson... he's SO in luck.   A museum about an hour away is going to have THE SAME Titanic exhibit from Jan-May!   I'm not sure I can hold out until May to take him though, so maybe we'll do his trip early and just do a low-key family birthday for him on his actual birthday (especially since Lu's birthday is 4 days later).  Amelia... I'm thinking of taking her on a girls weekend or overnight trip to Chicago, or maybe to Disney World just to the Magic Kingdom.   I'm excited to get some one on one time with these kiddos!  
• It's colder than cold outside right now.  Its so cold your throat closes up when you walk outside and your face hurts and even your skin hurts through your pants (if you're wearing leggings HAHA).   I love the snow but... this cold is TOO cold.  
• Christmas is still up at our house.   I'd really like to saran wrap our tree and just put it in the barn or something for the year LOL!  Not that it'd fit easily out a door or anything.  It's 12'.  :(  We (or I, actually) have been slowly taking down decorations and dropping them in the basement.  I guess that's our current state of packing it away... taking it to the storage room downstairs and dropping it in a huge Christmas pile.  Once we get the upstairs rid of Christmas, we will tackle the storage room and organize, I guess? 
• Everyone is talking about New Years goals/resolutions.  I'm not making any.  Want to know why?  Because I never freaking follow through with them and then it just makes me feel crappy. So this year... I'm not making one stupid resolution. So there!

post-partum hormones suck

I always dread the post-delivery hormones and emotions.  I know it's coming and I also know there isn't a stop to it.

I don't find myself anxious or worried.  I find myself more or less sad or depressed at the finality of things.... At the quickness of the newborn stage, the desperate attempts to preserve and remember everything and the fear of failing and forgetting it all.  

With Amelia, I thought she was our last.  She WAS our last.  And I still did a miserable job of documenting so much of her pregnancy and the newborn stage.  Her scrapbook is still barely there. That kills me.... the boys have such elaborate, thoughtful and heartfelt scrapbooks.   Eloise for sure is our last.  A surprise, a second chance, maybe, but for sure our last.  And I sit here in the quiet of the middle of the night and think about how much I already failed to document because "it won't matter" or I didn't think I would care.   Sure, in a few months or years I won't care that I declined maternity pictures with our birth photographer. But tonight, I wish I had sucked it up and done it even though I felt fat and ugly.  Later on, I won't think about the way my belly moved toward the end when Eloise was kicking and rolling around... But tonight I wish I had taken a few moments to record it.  I walked into the hospital telling myself I should take one last belly picture, but I didn't.  And tonight I wish I had taken a second to snap even a poor selfie in the bathroom mirror.   Last week Amelia reached up and grabbed my belly and kissed it.  Why didn't I ever take a picture of her loving on her baby sis and talking to her while she was in my belly?  When the kids came to the hospital to meet Eloise, why didn't I take a video and preserve the looks of awe and pure wonder on their faces, and record their voices and sweet things they first said upon meeting her?  

I hate all these regrets.  These moments that pass so quickly, often without a second thought at the time, but in the days following delivery I always replay them in my mind and load up on wish I would haves and why didn't i's.  I know it'll pass and in the coming weeks and months it won't feel so awful or like such a loss.  Maybe, though, just maybe, I can attempt to document more from this point on.   

hocus pocus omg i need to focus!

We are back from vacation and holy mother my brain is in overdrive.  I feel like I can't focus on ANYTHING... yet I have so much swirling in my brain.   I have commitment-phobia.   Nesting this pregnancy has turned into an overload of anxiety, unease, stress, desire for change change change, and lots of tears.  EWW.  

BRAIN DUMP TIME!

• I need to order Baby Girls' quilt off Etsy.  But I *STILL* have not fully settled on the fabrics I want to use.  GAH!   I need to buckle down and put together a sample and get it ordered!
  
• Did I mention the nursery still has tons of junk in it.... a full sized bed, old rug, random pieces of furniture..... it is the epitome of unfinished.
  
• I have a sign for her room halfway made.  Meaning... it has been built, stained, painted and is waiting for an actual QUOTE or something to be painted on it and then distressed.  Only..... I can't decide on what I want it to say.  So that sits unfinished.
  
• Third trimester has me falling apart.  I have acid reflux galore.  Oils aren't helping this stage of it.  Its irritating my throat and I've been coughing like its my job, which makes me pee, which makes me so frustrated and I end up puking and peeing and crying all over the bathroom.  Glorious.  Such a glorious trimester.  I'm so over it.
  
• Our house is grossing me out.  I feel like everything is dirty.  And cluttered.  I want to purge everything.  I want to organize everything.  I want to take a big fat mop and scrub every little surface of the house.
  
• I also want to move.  BADLY.  I feel like we have zero room in this house.  I'm desperate to have more land.  I'm desperate to have a larger family area.   I want to move and settle in somewhere for the long haul.   I have found a perfect home for us except... it's in Michigan.   Though neither of us can commit to moving out of state, so we'll probably stay in MI. Who the hell knows.   All I know is I want out of Jackson and into a different school district.
  
• And speaking of moving.  HOW DO YOU CHOOSE WHERE TO MOVE TO?   I mean, those of you who have moved out of state, or to an unfamiliar area.... HOW did you choose where to move to?   Did you find any websites that were helpful in helping determine which area to move to?   I've been looking on GreatSchools website as well as Neighborhood Scout website for schools but would love to know exactly how accurate that is??
  
• I've been house shopping.  And school district shopping.  And beach house shopping.   Because obviously the best time to decide we want to invest in an oceanfront rental property is when you're 83 months pregnant and ALSO want to move out of town.   But.... if we had somewhere to vacation a few times a year, that'd so be worth it.   This winter actually wasn't too terrible- probably because we spent a bit of it traveling- Virginia, California, Nashville, Utah... maybe that's the key. Stay busy and get the hell out of the frigid winter HAHA!
  
• My heart about broke into a million pieces today because Amelia discovered her 1st year scrapbook album... that is so unfinished.  She was SO FREAKING HAPPY and excited to look at all her pictures.  I feel like an awful mom.  I've been so behind on scrapbooking the past 3 years.  I need to make it a priority.   Maybe this needs to be something I do.... get away for a few days and really just focus on catching up!
  
• I'm ready for the sun to shine!  I'm ready for summer!  I'm ready to camp and take the kids swimming and be outside on our deck and go riding! (OMG I so can't wait to be able to ride again!)  Today is gloomy and gray and it is depressing.  And it's making my antsy stress levels rise.  Ugh.   

where is the insecurity coming from?

Please don't think my blog is going to become this place of hashing out mommy war issues.... I totally hate that this is on my mind and that I'm yet again blogging about this.  But... we are in the car and I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that I'm dreading (UGH) and the kids are quiet so my mind is racing and thinking of all sorts of things.

This will probably all be so boggled.  I hope it makes sense.  I started to think about this whole "breast vs bottle" war (which IMO isn't really a war just a mommy issue thing and I think really just stems from insecurity or a sense of being shamed by others that do differently) that seems to be so prevalent the past few years online.  

Let me start out by sharing about my friends and group of friends I associate with.   I would say a good 90% of my friends breastfeed.   And they have never, ever made me feel insecure about my choices to feed my children.  I'm super super blessed (why should I even have to say that... as if people should ever have friends that aren't supportive???) to have non-judgemental friends even though they choose a different route of feeding their babies.   And I have never judged them (or at least I hope they never feel I have!) because I support however works best for them.  I know that insecurity is not coming from my group of friends.   And, knowing that most of my friends do breastfeed, I hear their insecurities about breastfeeding in public (ie... their cries to normalize breastfeeding), which I think is crazy that anyone should care how a person is feeding their child in public or in private.... as long as that baby is being fed.

This all made me start to think... WHERE is this insecurity coming from?   Why are we mothers, who are all doing what works best for our families and our babies, feeling so insecure and "shamed" by our choices?   If it isn't coming from our core social circle (which, in my case, is mingled with nursing and formula feeding moms), WHERE are we feeling it from?  And WHY?

I wanted to ask my readers that.   Leave me a comment.  No judgment from me nor anyone else reading.   Did you feel insecure about how you chose to feed your baby?  Do you feel the need to defend your choices?

Did you feel shamed for nursing/nursing in public?  Who, or what, made you feel most insecure?  

Did you feel shamed for choosing to formula feed?  Who, or what, made you feel most insecure about that?

Recently there was an article about a sports stadium creating a "baby nursing room" for nursing mothers.   My first thought "Cool!"  My second thought "I wonder if it is only for nursing moms, or if bottle feeding moms can use it too?"   WHY did my mind race there?  Why was I feeling like it was something that any mother feeding her child couldn't utilize?    THEN I read the comments.   I expected to find moms saying "YAY!  Awesome!  A comfy place for us to nurse if we have a distracted baby and don't want to nurse in our seats or feel like we are shunned to the bathrooms (EWW)"   I saw comments like "Why should we be confined to a room to feed our babies?" and "Why can't we feed our babies at our seats like bottle feeding moms?"  WHERE did this come from?  WHY were mothers feeling defensive about something created for them to use, for their comfort?  Who was making them feel like they couldn't feed their child in the stadium seat?  (And another question... damn I would so not even want to take a baby to a game HAHAH!)

I'm just so curious as to where it is coming from.   In my experience, it is not my social circle.  It isn't my family.   I feel a lot of insecurity and shame coming from my doctor, as well as the media and people who don't know me and feel the need to question why I formula feed.

Let me explain further.... With my first child I wanted desperately to breastfeed and had no intentions of formula feeding. Part of it was a financial thing, and part of it was that my husband has stomach issues and I assumed if I fed Porter what was "natural" he'd have a safer bet of not genetically getting those tummy issues (he doesn't have tummy issues FYI).   BF'ing didn't work out and I had about a week of awful sadness that I had to formula feed.  And then I got over it and never really thought about it again.  I never felt insecure to take out a bottle in public. Ever.  

With Hudson, pretty much the same.... I decided during my pregnancy I'd formula feed.  I wavered back and forth but ultimately I felt like bottle feeding worked out great for us and I was comfortable with it and that's what we did.  Porter was smart, healthy and loved me and so would my 2nd child.  I think I briefly remember being asked in the hospital what I was planning on doing and there was never any "grilling" about it.  They asked, I told them, they brought me formula.

With Amelia... I think "times" had been changing.  I was noticing more online about "baby friendly hospitals" (as if feeding your child formula was not baby friendly?) and I didn't feel pressure from the doctor or at the hospital to nurse (because again, I'd decided to bottle feed before I had her). However, after she came home from the hospital I had numerous people (not super close to me or anyone who knew my reasons to bottle feed) ask me if I was nursing... or why I wasn't.   It kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, it really took me by surprise.   Why was it their business?  And why were people asking?  I'd never experienced that before.   And thus, I kind of became a bit insecure about my choices, even though I knew without a doubt my children would grow and develop and be happy and healthy and bonded and brilliant regardless of if they nursed from me.

Baby #4... well, I'm feeling the pressure/judgement even more.   The more I see in the media about breastfeeding and how breastfed babies are smarter, healthier and more bonded to their parents, the more insecure I feel about my choices even though I KNOW and have living proof that my formula fed children are smart, healthy and bonded to both myself and my husband.

It seems like in the past 3 years or so it has become so prevalent to pit breastfeeding against formula feeding and in social media everyone comes out and chants for their "side" which I feel makes everyone feel insecure.  I've never felt breastfeeding wasn't normal. I've never felt formula feeding wasn't normal. Until the past few years, I always viewed them as a NORMAL way to feed your child. Whatever works for you, your baby and as long as your baby is happy, healthy and growing why should it matter??

WHEW.  Anyhow.  I'd love to hear from you.   No judgement at all.   I want to know where your insecurites come from.   Is it the media?  Your doctor?  Local businesses?  Places that have nursing stations/rooms?  Places that don't?    Your friends?

it doesn't have to be taboo

Have you seen the article about the Duggar kids floating around... The one talking about how they announced their pregnancy before the standard 12 weeks, and that they chose to do so because they would acknowledge their baby if they did miscarry?  This kind of hit home with me, and made me feel guilty.  

See, right after I came home from Silver retreat I found out I was pregnant.  Yes.  Pregnant.  #4.  Huge surprise and not planned.  At.  All.  I spent a good week feeling awful.... Thinking about the things that a 4th child would screw up.  Like drinking wine in France, or vacationing as a family in one hotel room or only having 3 cubby baskets in my foyer.   And then I started to realize how great it would be... One more child to love (or drive me crazy), one more chance to savor those little baby moments, one more gummy faced smile, one more first step.  I got excited about watching our 3 kiddos with a new baby, and seeing Porter and Hudson dote on another little baby.  I started to get excited.  

We have never really announced our pregnancies until I think close to 10 weeks.  Usually after we get a chance to have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat.  Before we left for France we told a few family members, and I'd told a couple close friends. But while we were in France, Ryan talked freely about it.  My getting knocked up was kind of the butt of our jokes because, well, it's kind of funny when your friend asks if you have a tampon bc they need one in the middle of a castle tour and you're like "Hello, me? Did you forget I got knocked up?"  

We got home from France and I was looking forward to LeeAnn scanning me and hopefully becoming "Facebook official" as I was close to 9 weeks along.  

And then I miscarried.  And it kind of became this taboo, awkward thing.  Thank GOD I was home when this began because it was a painful few days, physically and emotionally.  I wanted to hole up in my room for the week and just be done with it.  It was an awful last week of summer.  I felt like I was in labor for half of the week and unable to do anything productive with the kids.  I was grumpy and sad and nonexistent as a mother.  I felt like a failure.  I let a few people know what happened but all the "acquaintances" that had been told?  What do you do then?  Ugh.  And then this article came out.  And I realized.... This doesn't have to be a big secret.  This happened.  This baby had a heartbeat and little arms that moved and it shouldn't be taboo.   It's part of our story.  I can write about it.  And document this as part of our life.
I am no stranger to miscarriage.  Before we had Porter I miscarried very early- at 5 weeks.  It was awful-  when the only thing you want is a baby and you lose a pregnancy you're so excited about and you don't have other children to keep you preoccupied and all you can think about is the waiting and wishing and hoping.  This miscarriage hasn't been as emotionally difficult- it was unexpected, both the pregnancy and the miscarriage, but I do feel sad when I realize I should be 12 weeks along now, and that other friends are announcing pregnancies and I would have been pregnant with them. 

I'm not sure where we will go from here. We hadn't planned on a 4th child but now that we welcomed the idea I feel like it feels right.  But then I worry that maybe the miscarriage was a sign that we aren't supposed to have a 4th.  That we don't need anymore craziness in our lives (who does?).  And, well, we all know the Ry and I never produce any calm, complacent, docile children so surely a 4th would be another wild, strong willed, independent kiddo.  I guess time will tell, and we'll have to see what direction prayers and fate point us in.  But for now, I rest easy knowing I don't have to feel like this is/was something to hide.  Thank you, Duggars, for opening my eyes.  

Deep thoughts on "Siblingships"

This afternoon I came across this blog post:  What I love about being a Mama: Sibling Friendships and while I could relate to that euphoric feeling of melting into a puddle at seeing your children truly LOVE each other, it also made me feel really sad.  Sad, you say?  Why?!  *sigh*

Sometimes I feel like the biggest mama failure ever because my kids rarely seem to like each other.

The boys fight ALL. THE. TIME.  And if I were to pinpoint a "culprit" it would be Porter... because I swear to goodness we can get into the car after pickup and I ask how their days were and Hudson starts to excitedly tell me and Porter, rarely ever fails, has to make some snide remark about how stupid that was or that sounds dumb.  I mean, its not ALWAYS Porter, but if I were honest he's the instigator 75% of the time.

It's not just that... its really so much more.  The boys get along with Amelia great.  She's the munchkin little sister that they adore.  Sure, she annoys them but for the most part, they bend over backwards for her... her little antics and needs are charming and adorable.  But with each other?   They can't see past the ends of their noses.  A brother asking for a favor is a huge inconvenience.  They don't talk nice to each other.

Don't get me wrong... there are times that they get along beautifully.  Usually it is when I am fed up with their fighting so I send them both to their separate rooms, only to find they've snuck into Porter's room to quietly play legos together.  And there are times they'll wrestle and joke around, or ask to have sleepovers in Hudson's room (because he has 2 beds), or times that they play Minecraft together and crack each other up.  Oh I relish those times... I stare at them in awe wondering why... WHY can't it be like this all the time?  Why can't they have this beautiful "siblingship" where they adore each other and have each others back all the time?

I don't really know how to change it.  I don't really know what I've done wrong... or what I can do to make it right.  Sometimes I feel like its a crapshoot, this siblingship... that personalities often just clash and make it impossible for them to be "friends" most of the time.  But sometimes I feel like its something I've done, something I've not nurtured, somewhere I've gone wrong.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this... I'd love to know how your children's relationships are.  Are they close in age?  Far apart?  Different genders or the same?  Do they share a room?  Do they have similar personalities?  Has their friendship been close from the beginning or was it a work in progress?   Tell me the scoop, friends.... this mama needs help.

long overdue overwhelmed overspill

Does that make any sense?   I feel like I'm in such a rut lately... all kinds of ruts.  Like... everything seems to be spiraling out of control.

My kids keep growing up.  Faster and faster... day by day. And it KILLS me.  I've been in one of those super emotional moods lately where every freaking thing makes me want to cry.  I watch videos shared on FB and they make me cry.  Clips of kiddos singing songs make me cry.  Stories about babies make me cry.  Pictures of my friends daughter in her new big girl bed (who is only a few months older than Amelia) make me cry.  Every. Single. Thing.

And then the boys... oh they can drive me up the fricking wall and melt my heart in the same day. Sometimes within the same hour.  Or 5 minutes.  I was looking at a Garnet Hill catalog and on the back was a lady in a swimsuit.  A cute, pretty modest swimsuit.  The boys were all "Oh gross... don't look on the back! There's some random lady in a swimsuit!"  I asked why that was gross (because seriously... its Garnet Hill... it was a retro-styled tankini HAHA!).  They said "Random stranger women wearing bathing suits are gross to boys, Mom."  I asked... what about on the beach?

P:  "No... well, random women are gross in bathing suits.

H:  "Except our mom.  You're not gross."

P: "Yeah, you're not gross to us, mom.  You're pretty."

And I kid you freaking not... I had to walk out of the room I was tearing up so badly!  (Serious... I'm about crying right now).   You see... I feel so DISGUSTING about myself right now.  I know I should love myself no matter what I look like but you guys... this work at home mom stuff is not good for a body.  Especially when time is limited... everyone needs something and who has time to fit in a workout when there is computer work to be done???  I'm the heaviest I have EVER EVER been (not-pregnant).  And I just feel gross about myself.  I try not to talk bad about my body in front of the kids but I know I do.  But, just to hear them say those simple words..."You're not gross to us...."  "You're pretty."  I wanted to crawl in a corner and cry.  This simple little conversation with them I doubt they will EVER remember, and surely never would think it was very significant.  But it was to me.

See... see... emotional hot mess over here!!!  *raises hand*

Work.  Ohhh this is my nemesis.  I love love love the job I've fallen into. I love what I do.  I love the flexibility.  I love everyone I've met. I love being the "manager" of a team of over 700 business people *on my team alone* and helping them find success and working with them toward one single goal.... to share essential oils with the world.  However, this title doesn't come without its burdens.  I constantly feel like I'm letting people down.  I constantly feel like I'm forgetting something, that there's something else needing to be on my to do list.  I'm constantly feeling like I've left someone out, or not reaching out to someone who might need a note of encouragement.  Top that off with some huge changes that our entire Lemon Dropper team is going through in the next few months... I'm losing it.  I and a handful of my other leaders on my team are working to open up a new "Lounge" (called the Lemon Aid Library) that will be for customers to learn about essential oils... how to use them, what works for what etc.  So, we're crunching quickly toward our deadline to launch, and have so many legalities to work out so we don't get our asses sued if someone decides they took some advice from the Library and had bad results from it.

And then my damn wrist.  Ugh.  This winter has just sucked.  I'm close to 6 weeks into physical therapy and STILL don't have full control of my wrist... I can't lift things, I have limited range of motion, my scar HURTS LIKE HELL and its just... uncomfortable.  Not to mention twice a week physical therapy is cramping my schedule, and I've had to ask my grandma to babysit more than I like to rely on her.  And Lacey... my poor horse.... I'm paying $350/month to board her where I can ride during the winter in the indoor arena and I can't even freaking ride right now!!   I haven't even been out to see her since the day I broke my wrist-- Jan 2.  Thank GOD I love the place she is at... and I know she's being SO well taken care of.  The weather this winter has been SO cold I just haven't had the ambition to go out there and risk injuring my wrist even further.  I know I don't have the strength to tighten her girth, even if I were just taking Porter out to ride.  :(

I know... what a whiny post.  I just am feeling so overwhelmed lately.  I hate change, I hate feeling overwhelmed, I hate being all emotional and crazy feeling.  I guess I just needed to write it all out... and see that this is just a blip in time... this too shall pass.  It will. Life is amazing, for the most part.... I just have to keep looking on the bright side.

Trust. Thankfulness.

Today has had so many blessings for me... I felt like I needed to glorify that with a blog post.  I'm thankful, so thankful.

This winter has been rough.  I won't lie.  I headed into fall with ambition and bright hopes for a booming business, and smooth sailing with this new venture.  It has been far from it.

I feel stagnant right now.   We're in the midst of winter.  The fall rush is gone, holidays are over and spring is on the horizon but right now... I'm stagnant.

I woke up this morning and a friend had posted on her blog something I so needed to read.  I'm going to paste it here for my personal safekeeping, but please please check out Kristin's blog... she's a fabulous writer and you just need to check her out.   I know her words probably mean something totally different to her, but I love how I could interpret them for myself as well.

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.  Most of which has to deal with direction; anxiety associated with the unknown paths that lie ahead.  I’m trying to remind myself of all that I’ve learned along the way:

• I can’t predict the future: I need to relax on the corner, until my  gut tells me it’s time to cross the street.

• I must trust my instincts: I’ve never let fear guide my decisions before; why start now?

• I’ve already succeeded: I’ll remember this when I get bumped by failure.

• My reactions affect my entire family: As long as I set a positive tone, the kids will adjust to the ride accordingly.

•  I’m wasting my time spinning the wheels with worry: I can’t predict the future.

All of the above is true.  But, one directive leads to another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  Thus, the anxiety. 

So, I have no choice but to travel the route that always gets me to my destination safely.  When I follow the avenue of patience, it takes me right to faith.  In the end, it will all work out.  And it will be an exciting adventure along the way.

This afternoon I have had blessing after blessing fall into my lap to get me over this "hump" this week.   Sure, I never envisioned I'd be a college grad, bachelor degree holding "artist" taking on freelance work to cover bills.  Did I ever picture myself at 31 fretting over bills and how to make ends meet this week?  Hell no.   But here I am.  And I know I'll pull through.  I know this is just a bump in the road.  The start of this journey.  I must persevere.  I can't predict the future.  I can't stress about what lies ahead.  I just need to trudge on, trust my gut.  Cross this street and keep on going until I end up where I know I'm supposed to be.  Where I know I'm meant to be.   

"I have no choice but to travel the route that always gets me to my destination safely.  When I follow the avenue of patience, it takes me right to faith.  In the end, it will all work out.  And it will be an exciting adventure along the way."

Blessed is how I'm feeling today.  Blessed with the God-given talents that I'm being pushed to use.  Blessed I have this option.  Blessed to be home with my babies, with them by my side as I work.  Blessed to be able to help others.  Blessed.  Truly blessed.

More time

Since the holidays I feel like I've been in a never ending grumpy slump.  I feel like I have normal days where I feel great- I'm patient with the kids, I am productive, optimistic and happy.  And then I have days on end where I feel antisocial, grumpy, short of temper, irritable and critical.  I can't really pinpoint what's going on... I feel like I'm having a setback, I'm falling back to old habits and not using skills I've worked so hard at building up.

I promise you the world again

Everything within my hands

All the riches one could dream

they will come from me

I've been decluttering and cleaning and I know, from past experience, that this is a coping mechanism.  I do this when I feel out of control.  It is something I can control and get instant gratification from when I feel like other things are beyond my control.  I can't pinpoint what, though, or what has set me off.

I know part of it has to do with the season.  It's winter.  We don't have any snow so its ugly, dead and grey out.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Business is slow.  Wait, no.  Non-existant.  Which stresses me out.  I refuse to give up, but I can't help but feel defeated at the moment.  We have big plans for this year and I'm uncertain as to how those plans will pan out if my hard work and effort into my business does not pan out.   Ryan is stressed.  I am stressed.

I hope that you could understand

That this is not what I had planned

Please don't worry now

It will turn around

And honestly, our house is cluttered.  Just a month past the holidays and my kid again were over-blessed with toys galore.  Everywhere I look there are piles and stacks and bags and boxes of things that need to go here or there.

I'm failing miserably at managing a daily schedule.  I find I don't have time for the things I NEED to do, and I'm spending time on things that aren't a necessity.  I'm not spreading my time out... its gung ho on one thing and one thing only.  I'm failing at micromanaging.  This stresses me out.

So say alright

Cause I know we can make it if we try

I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine. 

Something I have begun recently is Digital Project Life.  So far, 3 weeks in, I am feeling very accomplished and in control of one area of my life that I am desperate to stay on top of.  In addition to feeling good about 2013, I've been able to catch up with multiple weeks from 2012 within the past 2 to 3 weeks.  Sure, these layouts aren't as great as traditional paper layouts with all the artifacts and dimensional goodies, but they're done and I can print and put them in my albums.  I am hoping I can stay on top of this and try to keep it simple.  My family's memories are so important to me and so important to have printed and in an album.  The kids adore looking at their albums, too.

Cause I need more time

Just a few more months and we'll be fine

So say whats on your mind

Cause I can't figure out just what's inside. 

Here are a few of my pages I've created.   And, if you're interested in Digital Scrapbooking or Digital Project Life, shoot me an email (nic073 a-t- yahoo d-o-t com) and I'd love to fill you in on how it works!

The incomprehensible

This morning, I packed Porters lunch for school as my 3 babies ate breakfast at the island.  Porter, typical of him, would eat a few bites and bounce around the kitchen, chattering about one thing or another.   I usually scold him and redirect him to his seat. He has boundless energy and I'm trying to accept this part of him.  This morning I didn't reprimand him.  I found myself choked up as I watched him give his sissy Eskimo kisses and play GI Joes with his brother over pancakes and bananas.  I thought about all the mamas and daddies who did this same thing last Friday, not realizing it would be the last time they heard their 1st grader giggle, or talk about what they would do at recess, or hug them and say I love you.  

I found myself wiping silent tears from my eyes as I thought about the families who lost their babies.  The breakfast tables that are a seat short this morning  The families who lost their only child who wake up to a childless home. The siblings who no longer have a comrade to play with before school.  The homes whose noise levels are a decibel lower than normal this morning.  

After breakfast, I attempted to round them up to get their shoes and coats on.  They innocently turned the tv remotes into guns and talked about bombs and shooting things.  I winced at the words, though they meant nothing to the boys.  Its typical boy play to them, and the devastation that I learned about on Friday is incomprehensible to them.  I wish it were still incomprehensible to myself and the rest of the country.  

I didn't expect to feel so impacted this morning as I dropped Porter off.  I can't help but put his school in  place of Sandy Hook.  His teacher in place of a Sandy Hook teacher.  His class in place of a Sandy Hook class.  The thought of a mass murderer barreling through the halls of his school, terrorizing classrooms of sweet, innocent children.  My children.  His friends, classmates, teachers, school staff.  People I know and love.  The thought is incomprehensible, yet now it has been done.  It could be any school.  Anywhere.   

As I dropped Porter off, I tried to soak up every ounce of him.  His tender kiss before he leapt out of the van.  His shaggy hair sticking out of the bottom of the cheezy ballcap he traded a friend for a matchbox car.  His toothless grin as he turned and waved to me before bounding off towards the front doors of the school.  We never know when it will be the last.  We never know when the incomprehensible will happen.  

Take it all in

We pulled out the Christmas decorations tonight.  Put Pandora on Christmas music and began digging through boxes.

What a lucky life I have, I thought.   My husband and I working together to string the lights on the tree. The music dancing through the air.  The 4 of us randomly singing loudly and off key.

Take it all in.

The boys discovering their ornaments, again, as if with new eyes.  "I remember this!"  I can hear a twinge in Porter's voice as he sounds so sentimental, almost choked up.  Hudson, his eyes squinty, his hands clasped beneath his chin, grinning when I fill up the snow globe ornament with water.  Pure joy in such simple things.

Take it all in.

Amelia, crawling around in her diaper amidst the Christmas explosion, fitting in with our family like the perfect puzzle piece.  The boys chasing each other in and out of the boxes with airplane ornaments, making whizzing, zooming and shooting noises.  Me, scolding Ryan and reminding him to take a deep breath, let the kids be kids.  Let them be little.

Take it all in.

The irony of "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" playing as I hold a half naked baby on one hip, steady a fallen Christmas tree with the other hand, while Ryan attempts to secure it yet again while lying amidst broken ornaments and spilled water.  The boys upset over the loss of our recent Mackinaw ornament.  Ryan huffing and puffing, while I can do nothing but laugh as the baby giggles and flings herself around... the tree falling on two of our kids is so our luck.

Take it all in.

Despite the chaos.  The loudness.  The laughter. The drama.  The irritation   The bad luck.  The love.  The bickering.  This is our life.  Our family.  These are the moments its all about.

Take it all in.

But everyone else is doing it....

I'm afraid this is just the beginning.  You know, the peer pressure and whining and begging for things "because so and so" has it.  The beginning of the school year brought on the debate of "Why do I have to sit with a carseat harness... I'm the ONLY kid in 1st grade who has to buckle up with a carseat!  EVERYONE else gets to ride in a booster seat!"  Well, sorry buddy.... we aren't "everyone else" and you will continue to ride in the safest way possible in my car (after all, I am the driver and you know what your dad says about my driving....).

And then every year it never fails... we begin to toss around ideas for the boys' Christmas gifts and while it seems like such a simple task, it always ends in a debate over family values (is that the term??) and peer pressure.   Not a substantial amount, but it does make me question our gift choices and what would make most sense for our kids/family.

Last year we failed miserably at sticking to some of our "gift" traditions  (check it here and here).  Our moment of weakness was a trip to Toys R Us on my birthday to kill some time before a movie.  We found some cars the boys would LOVE and we had to have them.  Ugh.  Those same cars... are rarely played with.  Bleh.

I also had debated back and forth whether or not to give Porter my old iPhone 3 for Christmas to use as an iPod Touch.  I felt like it was such a huge gift for a 5 year old. Would he be responsible enough (likely not).  Would that set us up for getting him bigger and better gifts each year?  What do you do to top an iPod Touch?   Well, luckily my old iPhone turned out to be faulty and basically useless, so that kind of made up our minds for us.  No big technology gift that year.

This year, however, the iPod Touch debate came up again.  Now, my kids don't have many electronics... we have a Wii.  They use it occasionally.  They really aren't "tech junkies" and are more rough and tumble and play outside in the dirt kids.  They've never really ASKED for any type of electronics aside from an "iPhone" (ha!  sorry... no dice there boys).   However, they have SO SO many toys- legos, matchbox cars, trio blocks, Duplo blocks, play kitchen, cars, cars, cars.... that I mostly was leaning towards a big electronic gift for them to avoid buying more toys.  Porter's Christmas list this year is ridiculous.  Guns, bow and arrow, iPod, Xbox.... the works.   I'm sorry.  This just screams 10/12 year old to me.  He is 6!!  He's going to be bummed, that's for sure, but we have been really analyzing our family values and what "feels right" for us to give them.  We've finally decided on Nintendo DS's.  Even this seems big to me... especially for Hudson because truthfully at 4.5 he is not responsible enough to care for an electronic like this.  However, I know getting Porter one would only turn into fights over sharing.  Luckily, I found someone who was selling two Nintendo DSs for a great price and we will be giving those to them.  (thank goodness they're still at ages they don't care if something is used or not.  It is only a matter of time).  

So, again, we have put off the inevitable iPod gift.... I'm thinking when we upgrade our iPhone 4's we'll pass them onto the boys (as gifts).  It just just so difficult for me to view these electronics as "kids toys" even though in the year 2012 they very much are.  Watching tv at my grandmas today I saw 2 different commercials for kids toys that required an iPad and an iPod Touch to use.   Crazy stuff.

Arrived

Lately I've been reflecting on my life and role at home and in the workplace and my identity and all that fun stuff.  I was so worried when I quit my job that I'd really miss being able to call myself a teacher, to identify myself as a working woman- a working mother.  I do feel that way sometime, like when I meet someone new I often feel the urge to mention I'm not just a non-working mom.....  I have my degree.   I wanted to teach.  That my plan was always to be a working mom.  Really.  From the time I was in highschool thinking about colleg I always knew, thought, I'd be a work outside the home mom.  

But plans change.  Life changes.  Things get rearranged and it slowly starts to work out.

I always wanted to work so we would never have to live paycheck to paycheck.  Well news flash.  We always pretty much have.  Sure, we provide for the kids and we go on vacations and we don't want for a whole lot but we also don't have much savings (aside from rys 401k), I drive an older van, Ry drives a 7 year old truck and my student loans continue to accrue interest while the extra $$ is not there up pay on them.  I look back and think how I wanted so badly to work full time.  I wanted the income.  But I realize now that luckily we have never relied on a full time income from me, and that is allowing me this "freedom" to take on this new path. 

I worried that quitting my job was a bad choice.  That it was the wrong path to take.  That it wouldn't be beneficial to our family.  That we would never be able to make it.  

I know I'm only a few weeks into this gig but so far, we are making it.  And while I still feel I have to explain my new role, I am slowly recognizing myself as an artist, a photographer. A work at home mom.  I'm still juggling.  I haven't figured out how to get much work done during the day while Amelia is still so needy and still pull some late nights editing pictures.  My house always seems to be a disaster.   I still have sacrifices.... because I am now working primarily evenings/weekends I'm going to miss every single one of Porter's football practices :(   My paycheck consisted of selling random signs and artwork, which is slightly humiliating when I compare that to a "real" job-outside-the-home with bosses and clock-ins and benefits.  And to be honest, I'm not sure what the next few months hold and how things will work out during "slow season".   But I'm going to have faith. 

It's funny how it all seems to work out.  I recently found out that my position at the school had to take a pay cut.  On top of no benefits, no sick days or paid school days off, or pay during the summer.  And with Amelia needing full time day are there is no way it would have benefited us.  The puzzle pieces are slowly falling together as I see how So many "no's"  have led me to this direction, a much better direction.  

I still feel silly considering myself an artist- a photographer.  But I know I will arrive.  I know through hard work and determination and faith and hope that this will work.  That this is the path I've been directed to.  That this can be my new identity and it will be okay.  That it is enough.  

Third time is a charm: Baby Basics

Since it has been 4 years since I've had an infant in my home, I thought I'd do a little rundown on all the "newfangled" baby gear that I find so wonderful this time around.

• Safety First Snuggler Tub or Puj Tub:  I really really love this tub.  With Porter we bought one of the plastic baby tubs and it was always in the way in our tiny house on Annetta.  With Hudson I ditched the baby tub and we bathed him in the kitchen sink.  I found the Puj tub when I was pregnant with Amelia and LOVED that it could lay flat and be hung on the back of a door when not in use.  I balked at the price, but then found the Safety First Snuggler Tub and decided to give it a try for $20.  I LOVE IT.  It folds so that it creates a little "tub" inside the kitchen sink.  It is soft and foamy.  It is flexible.  When we're done with bathtime, we hang it in the shower to dry and then it hangs from a hook behind the bathroom door.
  
• Aden + Anais Swaddlers:  Another "should I spend the money" item... I'm glad I did!  I had heard a lot of great things about the A+A swaddlers and since Hudson LOVED being swaddled I figured- why not?  Well, Amelia did not like being swaddled, but she does love her A+A blankets.  She sleeps with one at all times and we take one with us everywhere.  They're huge- 44" square, but thin and lightweight so they don't take up a ton of room.  We used them to wipe up spit up, to cover her carseat when she's in the sun, and most often, for her to snuggle up with. She loves to sleep with a blanket on her face (ack!) but I don't feel too awful about the A+A blankets because they're thin and somewhat breathable through.
  
• Indestructible Books: I found these books at a bookstore in Mackinaw City and thought they were brilliant!  It gives babies that "paper sensory feeling" yet they don't rip.  Score in my book!
  
• Sophie the Giraffe: Sophie was on my "wish list" for awhile, and Aunt Lori bought her for Amelia when she was just a few weeks old.  Amelia now is grabbing at things and chewing on things and she LOVES to chew on Sophie.  Not sure what it is about this little giraffe....
  
  *note!!! I would not recommend purchasing from Amazon. Our Sophie began to lose her paint and the color was fading so I checked out Amazon reviews and it turns out "fake" Sophies have been sold from Amazon vendors.  I could care less about real/fake but..... my daughter is chewing on this and who knows where it was made and what materials it is made out of (and if the paint is non-toxic??).  I did contact Amazon and they are refunding me with a gift card and I will be purchasing another Sophie from an authorized retailer.
  
• Baltic Amber teething necklace   A friend I met through Facebook has a little girl who just turned one.  I noticed her wearing a necklace, and I asked about it (thinking it was just something "pretty").  She told me it was a teething necklace, and told me a little about it.  If you haven't heard about them, they are made of baltic amber (it HAS to be Baltic) and this contains succinic acid which is a natural pain reliever.  The amber gets warm from your body heat and releases small amounts of the succinic acid that is absorbed through your skin.  I did a bit of research and decided I'd try one with Amelia.  It may just be hype, but if it works at least a little bit it'll be worth it.  And besides, it is kind of cute on her!  :)  I ordered Amelia's necklace from AmberArtisians.com but found the necklace was kind of long for her.  I did a little finagling and was able to shorten it (11-12 inches is the best... mine was 13 inches).   

Have you had a baby recently?  Have you found some new, great baby (or kid!) product you want to shout to the world?  Let me know!  Leave me a comment!

First Day Jitters

Tomorrow (well, today) is the first time in my entire life since starting kindergarten that I am not returning to school.  I went through elementary school to junior high to high school to college and to my job at, you guessed it- a school.  I have always had a "first day of school" and it is weird not to be going back.   I'm kind of sad.  

Don't get me wrong... I'm excited and nervous and happy and anxious about being home with Amelia and Hudson and trying out this whole "work at home" thing.  If there is one thing I've realized in the past year is that they grow WAY too fast.  I'm going to try to slow down and savor every moment of Amelia being a baby and of Hudson's last year before full-time school.  

But... it is sad not to be returning to school, to a classroom of new faces and furthermore, to my OWN classroom.  That was my plan, but I'm quickly realizing that HIS plan isn't always the same as mine.  I'm going to embrace this change and see where it takes me.  Maybe I'll be home a year, maybe not.  Maybe photography won't work out and I'll go back to working in the schools next fall.  Maybe photography will be great and I'll love being my own boss, working from home with my babies around me.  Only time will tell.   

Tomorrow begins our new adventure... Porter will be in school full time, Hudson will have pre-school Tu-W-Th from 12-3 and Amelia will be my little sidekick.   Photography is taking off slowly.  After being "on maternity leave" since last December I feel like I'm starting over in a way.  I need to give it time and have faith.  I'm committed.  In the meantime, I'm keeping busy with crafty things to make a little extra money.  Making signs, sewing ruffle pants and making hair bows to sell on etsy/facebook.  It's working out.  God is providing and I know He will continue to.  

I feel awful for Porter.  The last 2 days he's been complaining about a sore throat and stuffy nose.  I'm not joking y'all... my kids haven't been sick in over a year.  OVER A YEAR.   And of course the night before the first day of school my little guy gets sick.  :(  I hope he's feeling better in the morning.  I want him to have a great first day of First Grade!!

Epidural or Not?

Something that has been on my mind a bit lately is my "birth plan" for baby girl.  I'll be honest... I'm a "mom of convenience".  I have no problem with modern conveniences and using them (scheduled inductions, getting an epidural, bottle feeding, sleep training, etc etc), and typically think its nuts to not make use of something that can make your life easier.

Awhile back I made up my Bucket List (oddly I've been revisiting this list a lot lately to see what kind of goals I can complete.  Is this because I have recently turned 30 and somehow feel like life is so short??)  So on my list was to give birth naturally.  This will 99.9% be my last delivery (unless some miracle should happen!), and I am kind of feeling like this is my last chance to

A couple years back I read Dooce's birth story (Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3) and was totally inspired to try a natural childbirth.  Actually, I think she was the reason I added it to my Bucket List, that's how inspired I was!

My mom texted me a few months ago and had been reading my Bucket List and said "I noticed on your bucket lst..... give birth without drugs.... this is your chance!" And I was all "Hahahahahahah!  No way.  I enjoyed Hudson's birth too much!  Hahahahahaha!"

And then last week I came across this blog and read her birth story and thought... maybe I should reconsider?  Maybe I should try it?  This IS my last chance....

However.... I'm terrified of the pain.  I'm terrified of having a sucky ass birth experience, especially when it is my last.  Hudson's birth- amazing.  Went in at 7am, induced, epi at 11, delivered shortly after 1pm.  And sure... I think, I only had the epi for 2 hours... I could do 2 hours of hell, right?  I probably could.  But what if... what if I end up with a 20 hour labor or something?  EEEK!  I guess I could always give in?  I don't know.

I personally have nothing against getting an epidural.  Like I said, both of my deliveries were fine, though Hudson's so much easier (P came out sunny side up and I pushed for 2.5 hours so.... I was pretty exhausted after delivering him).  Hudson... I had him in 2 pushes and sat up and was all "I could do that again!"   I don't remember feeling terrible after delivery, or anything like that.  I don't regret the epidural at all.  I think I'm mostly looking at trying natural childbirth just to... I dunno... see if I could do it?  WTF.  HAHA!  Its just... I always hear people knocking inductions- saying labor is harder, worse etc... blah blah.   But I was induced both times and would gladly beg for another induction this time.  I didn't feel like my labors were terrible at all.  So, when people typically say its "easier" after a natural delivery I kind of silently think "uhh huh..." because I really don't have memories of horror after two induced epidural deliveries.

I'd love to hear your thoughts... advice... websites... links.... stories... share away!  Have any of you readers attempted a natural childbirth after an epi childbirth?  Which did you prefer?  Did you cave in and end up with an epidural?

Forgiveness

Last month I attended a Script class/workshop/conference/group meeting at Westwinds with my sister and her friend.  It was really inspirational to get so much information and advice and insight to something that is so difficult and so often struggled with.  Forgiveness.  I took notes, of course, and before I lose the notebook or it gets too full/overused, I want to make sure I get them journaled somewhere they won't get lost.  The information given by Becky was invaluable, and though my notes are pretty vague, they definitely give you something to think about.

Why is it hard to forgive? 

• trusting again
• acceptance
• revenge
• pride
• lack of trust
• no completion
• denial
• don't want to deal with emotions
• want to be right
• humility
• confrontation
• negativity is easy, forgiving isn't
• want to heal before forgiving

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God"

You love much when you've forgiven much.  

What does it mean to love?
What does it mean to be forgiving?

**When you understand what you have been forgiven for, you begin to forgive differently.

When we forgive:

1) We realize they are not monsters, they are people like us.  When we reduce people to an action it is dehumanizing.

2) We relinquish our right to get even.   

Romans 12 17-19  "¹⁷ Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. ¹⁸ If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. ¹⁹ Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord."

When you forgive, you have chosen not to get even.  

3) You begin to want to bless that person.  

-Forgiveness does not remove your right to hurt or feel the pain.

-Forgiveness doesn't mean the act or offense was okay.

-Forgiveness does not mean punishment is not necessary. 

-Forgiveness does not mean inviting the offender to hurt us again.  It does not mean reconciliation.  It does not mean you have to trust them.  

We forgive because:

1) We are commanded to forgive

2) It gives us a future of hope

3) It is good for our health. 

Who we forgive:

1) Only the people who hurt us

2) You know for a fact they did it on purpose

3) Those that don't ask for it

4) Ourselves

How do we forgive?

1) Recognizing we hurt

2) We acknowledge what has been done to you, how it has affected you

3) What was the exact action.  Call it by name.  "Lord, I forgive ____ for ____."

4) Don't wait too long- it will destroy you if you do. 

5) We don't stop forgiving.  We lose count if we keep score.  

Matthew 18 21-35 ¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?” 

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.   

²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.   

²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.  

²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.  He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.    

²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’   

³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.   

³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.    

³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

6) Journal.  Be still.  Pray.  Contemplate.  Write it down... steps 1-5.  Then burn it. 

Where have the weekends gone?

Ever since school started I've felt like the weekends fly by too quickly.  I've never really felt this way since I've always had a 3-day weekend.   I've always LOVED my weekends and loved my Fridays with the boys.  A few weeks ago I realized why the weekends have felt so much shorter. Porter is in school.  He's in school... 5 days a week and this is how it will be for the rest of his childhood.  For the first few weeks of school I had Hudson in daycare on Friday so I could have a "work" day for photography.   THAT made the weekends seem even shorter as I didn't get that one on one time with Hudson.

It made me think about how, even though I've wished and hoped and wanted so badly to be working full time... that these past 5 years have really been a blessing for me to have a weekly "mommy time" with the boys.  It hasn't been until now, now that Porter is in school, that I've realized how special these Fridays have been to me.

My plan this year was to sub on Fridays (after the busy fall season in photography was over) so I could get my name around other schools.  However... I've never really had one on one time with just Hudson.  Porter had 2 years with me before Hudson was born, and after that it has always been the two of them.  Next year Hudson will be in "real" preschool, and then it will be Kindergarten.  And that will be it.  He'll be gone 5 days a week.  And his weekends with me, with us, will be shorter.

I'm so torn.  All of my "career" (aka... working life after college) I've felt so driven to work.  I've compared myself to my co-workers and friends who work and worried that I wasn't getting my career off to the right start.  I wasn't working full time.  I wasn't accruing time toward retirement.  I wasn't getting benefits (though this is unnecessary with Ryan's job).  However, the past year has really made me long to stay home with the boys.  I've felt so scared and nostalgic at how quickly the past few years have gone by.  I've worried that I made the wrong choices before having kids, maybe I should have lined things up better so we could have afforded for me to stay home.  Maybe I shouldn't have gone to college and racked up student loans.  Did I wish away my kids most precious, fleeting years?

And now, this year, I've felt I've been woken up to the gift that my job has been.  That it is true... God has a place for me and right now this is where I'm meant to be.  Sure, this job isn't where I want to be forever, and if I had a choice I'm pretty sure I'd have taken full time over where I am now. But, how is this job delay any different than moms who have stayed home until all their kids are in school and then returned to work in their late 30's?  Why do I feel compelled to compare myself and my job choices to other moms?  I worry that I'm not making the right choices for the future, for my future, but in worrying about that am I missing out on the gift that is my kids early years and the extra time I can have with them?

All these choices and feelings and thoughts and worries.  I hate feeling unsure of my decisions.  I do know, however, that I'm working hard to be accepting of what is on my plate at this given time and hope that I can feel at peace with where I am.  I am contemplating just staying in a part time position for the next two years so I can spend this time with Hudson.  However, I know once Baby #3 comes along I'll be longing for more time with him/her as well.  And I guess if that happens then so be it.  Maybe I'm meant to be part time until all my babies are in school.  Maybe this is my alternative to staying home full time... having Mommy Fridays.  Time will tell, I suppose, and when the time comes to make more committed decisions I guess I'll have to see where my heart lies.

inspiring myself.

Something I've spent a LOT of time working on in therapy (and I realize I don't write much about it here) is focusing on the positives in my life.  It is so easy for me to get downtrodden about what is going wrong in life, what is negative, what isn't going my way, that I end up feeling hopless.  In the past 10 months I've done a lot of practicing and reading in Mindful Thinking (Moms... read "Momfulness"... SUCH a good bood) and it has really helped me focus on the things I can control, the things that are positive in a situation, regardless of what it may seem to be.

Sure, my "reality" may look a little like this:

• I lose my temper.  A lot.

• I am not 100% happy with my job.

• I yell at my kids.  Not as much anymore, but I used to. A lot.

• I don't have a lot of trust in people, regardless of how open book I am.  I don't trust many people to have my back 100% of the time.

• My husband and I bicker often, to some it may be uncomfortable.

• I can be opinionated and bossy.

• I hold major grudges.

• I have a lot on my plate... husband, kids, home, work, photography work, grad school...

• I've burnt a few bridges in the past (as have bridges been burned toward me as well)

• My kids drive me so crazy sometimes I wonder why we decided to have a 3rd child.  

If I were to focus on all those "negative" aspects of my life I'd be living in a hole.  Life would not be bright and feel like there is anything worth living.  What I do focus on is this:

• I have more patient days that I do impatient days.  I am a work in progress and I can forgive myself for the moments of weakness and anger.

• My job has given me flexibility to be home with my kids when I need to as well as have a "Mommy Day" on Fridays.  There is more to life than a job, I'm doing "my job" to the best of my ability so that *I* shine.  I know God has a plan for me and right now this is where I am meant to be. 

• My kids love me and I love them more than life itsself.  They know Mommy makes mistakes just as they do.  I focus on the minutes, hours, days that make me smile and laugh and be proud to be their Momma. Those are the memories I want to remember.  Those are the moment worth living for.

• Those crazy moment?  They are only moments.  That 3rd child?  We CHOSE to have him/her enter our life and God CHOSE him/her to be a part of our family.  He or she is a blessing to our family and we can't imagine life being complete without him/her. .   This life is too fleeting to get wrapped up in the chaos too much.  

• My husband is my love and partner in this life and we work through everything as a team.  Regardless of our disagreeances, we come together as one and love eachother through thick and thin.  We make an amazing parenting team and I am so proud of the accomplishments we've made in the past year.  Do we have a lot to work on in our marriage still? Hell yeah.  And I'm pretty sure we will continue to have things to work on until the day we die.

• Those burnt bridges?  They just light the way to the things that are important in life, and cast shadows on the things that need to be let go of.