This week in bullets...

• The one downside of being a "sahm" is I have no motivation to shower.  None.  I have been going like 3 days without showering (only if I don't leave the house on Day 3... grosssss!).  Isn't that disgusting?!



• Amelia was so fussy today.  She must be going through a growth spurt or something (NO!  STOP!) as this morning she'd eat an ounce or two and then want to eat again an hour later.  She'd take a quick nap and then want to be held.  She did that most of the morning and then wanted to be held all afternoon, fighting sleep.  Made for a very unproductive day. 



• I took a few pictures of H and A today.  Well, mainly Amelia but I got this darling one of the two of them.  Hudson just adores her.  Its so cute to watch him with her, however there are so many times I have to tell him to stop messing with her when she is sleeping or trying to eat.  

• Hudson had some money to spend from his birthday as well as a $10 gift certificate from Toy House (how awesome are they to send a $10 gift certif for kids' b-days?!).  We went to Toy House on Tuesday for him to spend his money.  He chose an Automoblox (he's sooo into these right now!) and a red Dodge Viper, a red quad and a red Hot Wheels car.  Doesn't he look so happy with his purchases?

• The other night I was up feeding Amelia and went to the bathroom.  I glanced into Porter's room and saw this heart-bursting sight.  Soooooo precious!  Camping out on the floor with his big ol' dog.  

• I signed up for Weight Watchers yesterday.  Its time.  I still have 40lbs to lose (SICK SICK SICK) and just need to buckle down and get to business.  3 weeks from this Saturday we will be going on vacation and sadly I'll have nothing to wear.  I feel so disgusting... I don't feel "cute" or "stylish" anymore... I live in sweats and t-shirts (not even cute t-shirts).  None of my normal shirts fit.  I hate this limbo stage, though I can't blame anyone but myself for gaining the weight.  I started A's pregnancy 12lbs heavier than normal so in order to be at the same weight gain as the boys' pregnancies I should have only gained 28lbs.  I gained 52.  So... I'm down 24lbs since delivering but still need to lose 40 (adding in that additional 12).  GAH.  Why can't I press a button and it would just disappear?



• Have you seen the cute wooden Disney Cars that Toys R Us has?  Hudson has Sally, Mater and McQueen, as well as Mater's Tow Yard.  These wooden cars work with the wooden train tracks (Thomas, Brio etc) and are so cute!  Hudson got a package in the mail yesterday and it was a birthday present from Aunt Lori, Uncle Don and the girls.  It was the wooden Mack for his set.  He was SO excited!





• Our mornings have been a little rough since Amelia.  I'm exhausted and its all I can do to drag myself out of bed to take Porter up to school.  Yes, I'm crazy and pack up all 3 kids to drop Porter off at school but the bus ride is an hour (as opposed to driving 2 miles down the road to drop him off) and I hate for him to have two long bus rides in a day.   Luckily, Porter is SO helpful in the morning.  This morning he all but drove himself to school HAHA!  He had dressed himself (in jeans, a polo tucked in and a TIE... hilarious!), packed his own lunch, and had his shoes on and ready to go.  I love that kid.  

First run

I decided to start running again.  I have just over 8 weeks until my 5k Color Run in July and I haven't done a lick of exercise in 9 months.  Also, disgustingly, I am at my "delivery day" weight when I had both Hudson and Porter.... HUGE.  So that is 40lbs more than normal.  FORTY POUNDS.  HOW SICKENING.  So, I have a long way to go.  A lot of weight to lose and a lot of fat to burn and replace with muscle.  The task seems so daunting but I know I won't get anywhere if I don't make a start.

So, today I started.  It has been 3 weeks 1 day since I had Amelia.  Honestly I was kind of scared my innards would fall out my hoo-ha when I ran but thank goodness I'm all still in tact.  :)  However, after a brisk walk and I began to run (ha!!  how about jog in slow-mo??) I felt like I was in an out of body experience.  This body does not feel like mine.  This is not me.  This jiggly mass of concrete can not possibly be MY body.  I have never felt so heavy and strange in my life (okay... so maybe when I was pregnant... but not un-pregnant).

I kept going, though, even though I felt like I was running on elephant legs.  It got easier, and though I originally planned to do a short 1 or 1.5 mile run/walk I ended up going the entire block that is 2.6miles or so.  By the end I was beet red and really sore, and really tired.  But I did it.  It is a start.

Gettin' my motivation on!

Since this will be the last baby I birth... I'm determined to get myself back together asap.   I know this will take a lot of determination and discipline, and quite frankly I'm a little nervous about it.  I've gained 52lbs this pregnancy and tacking on a few years since my last pregnancy I'm pretty sure it isn't going to just "fall off" like the last two.   I decided I needed a deadline... something to work toward.

A few months ago I found this website for The Color Run- a colorful 5k run.  Well, at that point there wasn't a race anywhere near my town, but there was one in September in DC.  I contemplated going to visit my mom that weekend and running there. However, I kind of forgot about the run for a bit and then yesterday decided to look up some different 5k runs nearby.  I also decided to check the Color Run website, in which I found that they'd added a ton of new locations- one being just a half hour from me!

I signed up.  I'm in.  July 22 I'm running a 5k and I'm going to have a blast!  I'm hoping to get 3 other friends to sign up on my team so I won't be running alone (or at least won't be in the race alone).  I'm super excited and even MORE reason to be excited to have baby sis here so I can begin getting back to normal and start training!

House Rules

After dinner last night we sat down and came up with a list of "house rules". I have felt like sometimes Ryam and I aren't as consistent as we should be when it comes to rules, and figured the best way to do it would be to involve the kids in creating them.

Funny thing... Most of the rules they suggested were the ones they are repeat offenders of haha! One that I know is going to be hard to keep up with is "Put away toys before getting more out."Does anyone have kids that actually do this in their house? Maybe it's just my kids, or our lack of discipline (or care) in this area but I feel like my kids just haphazardously pull out tous and never think twice to put them away. For the most part I don't care. Until the playroom starts looking like miniature bombs went off and Lego's and gi joes and hot wheels are covering every square inch of the floor. So, I'm hoping that if we put in a few weeks of good hard training in, they(or at least porter?) will help contain the mess.

 Another hopeful improvement is the bedtimes. Typically we read a few books an then the boys dink around in their beds looking at books with their lamps on until they fall asleep. As long as they are in thur beds and quiet I'm good. However, that often ends with 20 books scattered across their floors and just a plain old mess. So last night was our first try at 15 minutes of quiet time. We read a book, studied their bible verses for Awanas and then let them have 15 minutes to read and look at books on their own and we then had lights out. Now, for the past year or so both boys have become accustomed to falling asleep with their little lamps on. Tonight, however, went off without a hitch!

Here's to new routines!

Setting Goals for 2012

First I'd like to reflect on my "goals" for last year... remember, my completely selfish list?  Let's see how I did on things...

• READING:   Well, I completed uhm.... 4 books this year?  Not as many as I'd hoped, but still better than years past.  
• BEDTIME: I did really really well on this goal for the first half of the year or so (well... at least until summer....) and once I got pregnant I was wiped out so that pretty much set my bedtime for me so I'd say this went pretty well.  Not as many 1am bedtimes this past year as I had in the past.  
• TRIPS:    I made it to the cottage in the spring and fall, the beach in April, and a week camping with family around Labor Day (not Whiskey Creek-atuckey but Mackinaw was just as wonderful!).  I did not, however, get to Chicago with the family, continue the Supper Club camping trip (something tells me this was pretty much a one-hit wonder), and the Mother/Daughter weekend didn't happen this year either. :(
• EXERCISE: I wanted to train for a 5k.  Didn't happen.  Not even close.  I did, however, do pretty good in the beginning of the year doing Zumba, and even picked back up once I got pregnant but haven't kept up with it (and now my hips are too achy and pop out of place too easily!)  
• MONTHLY DATE NIGHTS:  We did not set aside specific date days for the boys, but we do have pretty frequent times where we take the boys (one on one) for little trips... even if its just running errands or to lunch etc... we tried this past year to split them up and each get some quality time with them one on one.  
• HOME RENO PROJECTS:  Oh boy.  Well the main floor bathroom looks strikingly similar, our laundry room is still in the basement (though we have new front loading washer and dryer), and my office is not renovated.  However... we DID put up privacy fence and did some room shuffling.  The guest room turned into the baby's room.  My office turned into the guest room (we're now officially a 5-bedroom home), and we moved my office/scrapbook space into the other half of the basement/family room that was pretty much dead space/play area.  I feel like our home is being utilized so much better now!
• SEWING:  Uhmmm... I have not touched that quilt I started awhile back.  Oh well.  Someday.  I did sew up a few purses and some gift projects but that's about it.  
• BLURB BOOKS:   Didn't really get around to these either.  I did make vacay books from Spring Break this year (NC) but no blog books.  
• UGGS:  Got those!  
• CHURCH:  I have done pretty well with church.  6 years of on-again-off-again attendance is a hard habit to break, though I'll forever call Westwinds home no matter how long my absence may be.  I got back into the groove really well the first half of the year but then summer was chaotic and we were out of town a lot so I kind of was hit or miss there.  The past few months I've been doing great and have really absorbed some valuable lessons. 

WHEW!  SO that's just last year.  This year.... these are the things I'd like to focus on... FOCUS ON being the key word.  I'm not setting myself up with a PASS/FAIL list of goals.  

• Read 1 book a month.  I'm hoping this general timeline will help keep me on track?  First up to finish this month is I Don't Know How She Does It.  I started it but have not finished.  February I want to finish Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  I'd also like to read the Twilight series this year and the Hunger Games Trilogy. 
• Strengthen my ties with Church. 
• Continue Project Life and set aside 1 day a month to designate SOLELY to scrapbooking.  
• Be more intentional with my money and time
• Meditate daily.  Continue Peaceful Piggy mediation with the boys.  
• Acknowledge the things in my life I'm thankful for more often.
• Expand my horizons and build a variety of friendships
• Have family pictures taken this fall
• A few vacations:  Camp at least twice and go to the UP this summer with family.

50 Reflections on 2011

It's that time already. Keeping with my tradition from 2007, 2008, 2009, and 2010 here we go...

1. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?  I didn't necessarily set "goals" but instead a list of things I wanted to get out of this year.  And some I completed faithfully, and others I didn't quite get around to.  

2. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?  Getting pregnant and finding out we were going to have a little girl!

3. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?  I don't know that there has been anything extremely challenging that happened.

4. What was an unexpected joy this past year?   My summer break.  I know that sounds weird, but most often by the end of summer break I'm so done staying home with the kids.  This year I really slowed myself down and made my presence with the boys more intentional and thoroughly enjoyed our summer.  I was very very sad to go back to work this fall.


5. What was an unexpected obstacle?  Making decisions about medications and dealing with adverse reactions.
6. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
 Took both boys on a plane on vacation alone.

7. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?  More time and money, although I know being thankful for what I have and being more intentional with both (time and money) will make it seem more abundant.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?  Forgiving but not forgetting.  

9. What was your biggest failure?
  Keeping up with exercising.  Isn't this the most common failure?  HAHA!


10. Did anyone close to you give birth?
  My friend Stephanie had Evan, my cousin Lindsey had Jayden, and a few other bloggy friends had babies.

11. Did anyone close to you die?
 Sweet Ramsey Kate. 

12. What states/countries did you visit?
 North Carolina,

13. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
 


14. How did you spend Christmas?
  Same as always... Christmas day was spent at home with our immediate family.  I had another sinus infection and sadly slept most of the day.  It was still a nice, relaxing day though.

15. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
  I turned the BIG 3-0!  I can't believe I am no longer in my 20's.  SOOO weird.  I do not feel this "old."   Ryan and I went out to dinner and a movie- we saw the new Twilight movie.

16. Did you suffer illness or injury?
  Oh so many sinus infections... 1 in October and 2 in December.  Other than that, nope.


17. What was the best thing you bought?
  Hmm... I don't know.


18. Whose behavior merited celebration?
  I'm really proud of Ryan for graduating this June!

19. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
  I guess my brother's?   It doesn't necessarily make me depressed as much as disappointed.  Appalled and disappointed.  And sad for him because I think he really lacks the ability to change his life into the direction he needs.


20. Where did most of your money go?
  This one again?  Same as always.... bills, bills bills.


21. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
  Baby Sis!!!

22. Compared to this time last year, are you:

a) happier or sadder? 
 happier
b) thinner or fatter? 
 fatter
           c) richer or poorer?
  I'd say about the same.

23. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?  Probably my outlook on things- life, situations, people, etc.

24. In what way(s) did you grow:

• emotionally?
• spiritually?
• physically? hahahahahha!  I'm pregnant... I'm sure you can envision the physical changes. 

25. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others? Ryan and I grew closer as parents as we tackled some challenges we had with Porter. The parenting class and counseling has been such a wonderful thing for our relationship to help us realize we really are a great team, we really do work well together and we ARE great parents, despite our downfalls and shortcomings.

26. With whom were your most valuable relationships?  My husband, kids and myself


27. Did you fall in love in 2011?
   Of course... always in love with my 3 favorite boys, and falling so deeply in love with baby girl!

28. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?  Nope




29. Who did you miss?
 Cathy and Ramsey

30. Who was the best new person you met?
 


31. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home? Oddly, the toy room.  I love organizing the kids' stuff.  Is that weird?



32. What was your most challenging area of home management?  Probably the dogs.  It has been SUCH a rainy year that it has been awful dealing with letting the dogs out and bringing them inside without muddying up everything.

33. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?  GAH Pinterest!  So many ideas, so little time.



34. What was the best way you used your time this past year?  Any time spent with my kids and husband was the best!  This summer I feel like I really spent time wisely with the boys.

35. What do you wish you’d done more of? Scrapbooking, keeping up on photography bookwork (I have a long road ahead to get ready for filing taxes!) and somehow archiving all of my pictures/blog into Blurb Books.

36. What do you wish you’d done less of?  Dwelling on the past


37. What was the best book you read?
  I love love loved The Help.


38. What was your favorite TV program?
 Revenge, Grey's Anatomy, Parenthood, Real Housewives (any of them), Flipping Out,


39. What was your favorite movie of this year?
  


40. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?  None.  Celebs are overrated.


41. What did you want and get?  A little girl to complete our family


42. What did you want and not get?
 A full time job


43. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
 Getting hired into a full time teaching position at Bean.

44. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?


45. What kept you sane?
  Therapy, meditation, and medication.  :)


46. What political issue stirred you the most?
 None, really.


47. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
 



48. What song will always remind you of 2011?
  One Republic:  Good Life

49. How did you ring in the New Year?  We spent New Years Eve at Duck Lake with friends... the Dawsons, Howards and Tappans.  It was pretty low key, as two of us were preggo and one non-drinker.  We had fun playing games and watching a movie.  It was great to be kid-free for an evening!


50. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. 

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

All of his questions, such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/f/flo
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah

My Monthly Check-In

I think I'm going to try to do a montly check-in to evaluate how things are going with my goals.  So for March, here we go:

• One of my biggest accomplishments is Weight Watchers.  I have been on WW since January 16 and have lost just a smidge under 10lbs.  The last 3 weeks I've been naughty (V-day, P's birthday, mini-vacay, Ry's b-day) but I still am down weight on average each week.  4 weeks until Holden Beach and I am hoping to lose another 5lbs or so.
• I am still off of Zoloft and this is another huge accomplishment.  I give a ton of credit to my therapy sessions and to the Momfulness book I've been reading.  I've learned so many great new skills and mindful thinking things that help me put things into perspective.
• I haven't been reading EVERY night, but a few nights a week for sure.  I've also taken my book to work and I lately have been eating lunch in the classroom so sometimes I read my book on lunch. I've also been keeping a paper journal for my Momfulness book.  I love it!!
• I have not yet finished any Blurb Books but I've been doign a TON of digital scrapping and just plain putting old pictures (from 2010 thus far) into simple collages to put in my scrapbooks.  In the past month I bet I've done close to 40 digi pages/collages!  I'm slowly working my way through 2010 to get all those "extra" pictures into my scrapbooks.  I'm not focusing so much on fancy schmancy scrapbook pages but just getting them printed so my kids can look at them.  I'm still fancy schmancy scrapbooking but only the really important things I want to showcase. 
• That whole mess with my "friend" who wasn't so much a friend?  I can't say it is resolved, but I did finally confront her (again) and try to get closure.  I doubt I'll ever know more of the truth, or know more of what I did to actually have her turn on me after so long but I have to accept that basically I wasn't liked for who I am and I'm not about to change for anyone.  Slowly, but surely, the anger and hurt is subsiding and my mind is less busy with the "what if's" and "why's". 

• For 2011 so far I am CAUGHT UP on scrapbooking and printing pictures.  This is amazing!  I have been working on my own personal pictures every few days and either printing for my Project Life album, printing digital pages, collages or prints to scrapbook.  It feels GOOOOOD!
• I have not been so great on exercising.  I fell off the bandwagon a few weeks ago with Zumba and desperately need to get back on.  It falls into that "excuse" category... but I feel its a valid excuse.  I feel guilty after working all day and then coming home for a short while and then leaving to exercise for an hour.  It eats up 2 full nights a week.  I can't wait for spring so I can take the boys and dogs on walks and fit in some exercise that way. 
• I've done great going to church each weekend and find that I really really look forward to it.  I always seem to find things that truly relate to what I'm going through and it is almost therapeutic! 

All in all, I feel so much less stressed these past few weeks (months?!).  I have been trying to focus on things that matter, stay mindful of my children's needs and behaviors and spend time doing things I enjoy and love.   I'm far from perfect (and truthfully will never be perfect, of course!), and this life of mine is far from perfect itsself but it sure is going great!

Simplify to the Extreme.... letting it go.

Slightly losing my mind here.  Started this morning cleaning... organizing.

Cleaned out the entertainment dresser... the foyer closet (weeded out old games we don't need).... the pantry/back hallway closet..... under the kitchen sink.....

And then the kids trashed the living room and refused to clean up so they got spankings and sent to their room.  And Mama went to TOWN on the playroom.  3 huge garbage bags, a bazillion gallon tub (the kind used for like... beer and pop at parties... or for horse watering bucket at Fair), all their Ikea boxes with blocks, cars, tools, Mr. Potato Head.... some games.... GONE.   I raided their little toy bins in their rooms and just dumped them all into garbage bags.

In their rooms I left them with books, Hudson has some wooden blocks and his Fisher Price Farm, and Porter has his desk/art stuff and a race track in his closet.

In the playroom I left a few large cars, some puzzles, the train table (which I think I'll take the trains and tracks and pack up), and a tub with a handful of matchbox cars and a couple assorted medium sized cars to play with.

In the basement I left their two large Bruder trucks, the play house and their dress up stuff.  I emptied the toybox in the basement and put their dress up stuff in there.

That is IT.

And if feels SOOO SOOO good.

The guest room is now jam packed.  I still have a lot of gathering to do with misc stuff around the house.  I am debating on whether to put all of it up into the attic and deal with it later or slowly go through all those bags and boxes and get rid of stuff then put the rest up into the attic.  I literally was DUMPING things into garbage bags so it is slightly disorganized.

Today is a good day... I'm in a mood.  A "just throw the damn thing away already" mood (as opposed to "I miiiight need it someday" kind of mood).  Next up... my office. Packing up my photography stuff, probably my sewing stuff (because when the eff am I going to have time to sew??) and throwing away TONS.

Just letting it go.  Letting it go.

One Little Word

This year I've been thinking of somewhat "following" One Little Word.  I'm not signing up for the class (as that would somewhat contradict my Word for 2011) but I am going to read her past posts on OLW and try to incorporate it into my life daily... weekly... to make it a focus.  Denise did a great post about this as well.

From Ali's blog (back in 2007 when she started OLW):
"A single word can be a powerful thing. It can be the ripple in the pond that changes everything. It can sharp and biting or rich and soft and slow."

It can be something tangible or intangible. It could be a
thought or a feeling or an emotion. It can be singular or
plural. The key is to find something that has personal
meaning for you. This is not your mother’s word or your
spouse’s word or your child’s word – this is YOUR
word.

One little word can have big meaning in your life if you allow
yourself to be open to the possibilities. And here’s one thing
that is totally interesting: sometimes a word will pop into
your brain and it will not make any sense to you right now.
Give it some time. Let it percolate a bit. I have often
found that our hearts speak to us in very unique ways.
Maybe this is a word you need to hear but just aren’t ready
for it yet. Again, be open to the possibilities.

There were a few words that came to mind right away.   I decided to look up the definitions to help narrow my possibilities.  

In the end I chose simplicity.  It encompasses so much of what my goals are this year... to simplify the crazy in my life and to get down to the nitty gritty and focus on what really matters.  I think I'm going to have a piece of jewelry made with my One Little Word for each year.  Keeping it near and dear may help reinforce its priority in my life.  

Private Post: Turning over a new leaf

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Progress

So far I'm doing pretty good with my goals. Haha... Maybe because it's been, what, 3 days into January?

Tonight I got home and did some laundry. I went to Zumba with a client (hmm... Could my class be a write off? lol!). It was so nice to exercise. I do love Zumba. It's just a matter of getting myself to the class. What I really wanted to do was cuddle up on the couch in front of the fire and eat pizza. I went, though, and added a timer on my iPhone to remind me of class on Mon and Wed nights. 2 nights a week would be a good goal.

After I got home I actually completed a scrapbook page (that makes, Uh, 5 or 6 for this week. I've been on a roll lately!).

I have NOT been so good at my bedtime, but it is an improvement considering I was getting to bed around 2am or so last month. I have (another) timer on my phone to remind me to go to bed at 11 and read a book.

Tonight I didn't get into bed until 12:00 (I took a quick shower before bed) but I DID read! I started Eat, Pray, Love. So far I think I'll like it. It is separated into 3 "books", each with 36 stories. The stories flow together, but I like how they are broken into chunks so I don't feel like I have to read 15 pages if I don have time to do that.

And here I am, blogging. It's far past my bedtime. Night!

Private Post: Sanity, Stress and Solutions

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What I Want Out of This Year (Nicole's completely selfish list)

Following Kim, I'm going to do a selfish post on things I'd like to accomplish this year.  I'm going to do more "measurable" things (unlike "be more positive"  and "have more patience" and "be more tolerant of other people" because seriously... how can you really measure that?).  I might just print this baby and put it on the fridge.

• I want to read.  READ READ READ.  I used to love to read for fun, and I need to MAKE time to do this for myself.  I got these 3 books for Christmas and plan to start one of them this week. 

  

• I need to give myself a "bedtime" instead of staying up all hours of the night.  I might aim for an 11pm bedtime on work nights.  That could be a good place to start (ha! and probably end). 
• My goal this year is to take a few trips... maybe not anything HUGE, but these trips I cherish (and they've become "annual" things so I hope they continue).  So let's see.... 
• The Cottage with The Girls in March and September.  
• Family weekend to Chicago in June.  
• Camping with Supper Club in June.  
• A week at the beach in April.  
• Whiskey Creek-atuckey over Labor Day weekend.  
• Mother/Daughter weekend in September.
  
  WHEW!  That's a lot of trips but so so worth it.  I'd also LOVE to take the boys to Mackinac or Niagara or something.  We also need to carve out a weekend to visit the Morrison's in Nashville (which will be a new place to visit for us!)

• I used to love running and I am thinking it would be a great goal to start training for a 5K this spring.  I also want to go to a real shoe store and get real running shoes fitted to my feet.  Yes.  Yes, I do.  
• I would like to set aside monthly "date nights" with each of the boys.  Since we have 2 kids (a 1:1 ratio with parents), it'd be perfect to set aside 2 nights a month and each of us take one of the boys each night.  
• Sunday Scrap Night.  Not so much a "get together" but I'd like to make time to create a scrapbook page each week.  Just one a week makes 52 a year.  And anything extra would be a bonus!
• Next winter... I want to go skiing.  I want to take Porter skiing.  Ryan and I used to love to ski, and I'd love to make it a family thing at least a couple times each winter.  We have plenty of ski slopes within an hour or two drive from us.  However, as much as people complain about Michigan's winters, I really don't feel like we have a loooong winter.  (Okay, maybe its just starting... but dude, its been 50* here and our snow is GONE!  Bring back our snow!  I want to go sledding!  I want to go skiing!).  ALl this would mean NEW SKI CLOTHES for me!  My ski coat is like 10+ years old... and purple.   I am eyeing a beeeautiful North Face coat (not sure if I love the brown or the Ivory better) and some ski pants to go with.  
• (is my list starting to sound like a list that enables me to shop??)
• As always, I have a few home renovation projects ALWAYS on my mind.  This year my goals are:  Remodel the main floor bathroom (adiós drinking fountain sink!!!), put up privacy fence around our yard, add a deck and landscaping and finally, convert the mudroom into a main floor laundry.  Ryan wants to knock out a wall and make it a larger laundry/mudroom, but this will also cut into some of our garage storage.  It's do-able, though.  OH and I'd love to get my office renovated.  It has ugly paneling (which I WOULD just paint except the previous owners GLUED styrofoam insulation to the walls and so now I have paneling with baseball sized glue gobs ever 2 feet).  This would entail ripping out the paneling and ceiling, putting up studs, drywall, EWWW MUD-and-SAND EWW, paint and new flooring.  I'm pretty good at keeping things in a budget so maybe we could tackle this this winter.  
• I would like to finish sewing a quilt I started last winter.  I guess that would mean buying a sewing machine.   Hmph.  
• I also have, for over a year, wanted to create Blurb Books from my blog.  I have 2005 and 2009 finished and printed, and have begun working on 2006 and 2007.  I'm still behind by... ohhh 4 years.  And each book ends up costing me close to $100, so its going to be pricey.  But so worth it.  And, since I've failed to print out all of my pictures since... ohhh 2007 (?) I would love to put all of my pictures (both pictures I've scrapped and the hundreds and thousands I haven't) into Blurb Books as well.  More $$ and more Time. *sigh*
• I would also like to purchase a pair of Ugg boots for the winter.  I love the ones Katie recently bought (they have buttons on the side and are better for wider calves like mine) but I'm not able to drop $180 on boots at the moment.  I had hoped to buy some for this winter (because I find that Fri/Sat/Sun I'm always loungy and lazy and when I run errands with the boys I would totally love to slip on some comfy/cute boots), but that hasn't happened.  So, maybe by next winter? 

• Church.  I want to become a regular attender of Westwinds.  I love going, and I do consider them my "home church" but I have become such a slacker at attending over the past year or two.  My goal is going to be at least 3 of the 4 Sundays of the month.  
• Exercise.  I'd like to make an attempt to do some sort of exercise 3 days a week. I think this is do-able.... I just need to "schedule" it and keep that time carved out for it.  I'd love to do Zumba one or two days, and the other days either walking or running.  However, if I do manage to train for the 5K, that'll scratch off two items on my list, eh? 

Surfacing

I feel like this week has thrown me into the middle of the ocean and its been sink or swim. It started with one issue and as the week progressed I found myself faced with at least 4 separate issues that have really just beat me down. I'm overwhelmed, upset, stressed and deflated. I really needed to just step back from my blog, close up, hole up, whatever you want to call it, and try to figure out how to work through things.

I've recently gotten some things off my chest with an issue that sits very deeply with me. It was not taken well by the other person making these bad choices and in a way I guess maybe I should have left things be. I felt things needed to be said, but I now realize that many people just never change. My words may have hurt, but I hope that someday they'll be looked at closer and analyzed deeper. Throughout the bickering, this person dug up things totally unrelated to the issue.

I suppose in trying to deflect the negative off of them, they dug up some issues on my blog that I post very honestly about and throw them in my face, turn them on me and make me look and feel like a bad person about it. I have always felt like my blog was a place where I could attempt to be "real"... to be myself, be honest and open and truthful to who I am and what I'm going through. I've had so many readers email me and tell me how they love my blog and love my honesty and love that I can be real and not paint this "perfect" life that I have (thank you!). Because my life is NOT perfect. You're about to see that. I have never on this blog attempted to portray that, and I hope I never do. I'm debating on whether to even publish this post or not, or if I should just type it and let it sit as a draft for all eternity. We'll see how it ends up.

In having my "real, honest, open" thoughts thrown in my face , that kind of piled on with another issue that emerged with a friend. I won't go into that here, but those two circumstances really made me face another huge issue... the M issue. Marriage. (Which was in a way a bit hypocritical as this family member who threw these things in my face has no idea what being in a marriage is like, and in her relationships when it gets tough they call it quits)

You know how when you get married everyone tells you that the first year is "so hard?" Well, I feel like that was a breeze, especially compared to becoming a parent. Since we've had Porter, our marriage and any issues we've had have really taken a seat on the back burner. We added the most precious little guy to our family and he consumes our life. We bend over backwards for him. We wouldn't have it any other way and can't imagine our lives without him. I kick started a business that consumed a lot of my time in the past year and a half. Ryan began college classes and that takes up much of his time. Where is the us time? Where is the time to reconnect, to make that switch from being parents to being husband and wife again? We used to laugh together, love each other and have fun together. We've lost that, and its something we have finally faced and realized that we need to fix it and get things back to good. In a way, I'm grateful for some of the drama this week as its really opened both my eyes and Ryan's. Or, more like... its made us FACE those issues that we've just ignored and stuffed in the closet for so long.

And on top of all that, I've realized that in part with some issues in our marriage that part of my problem is the type of person I've become... negative, judgmental and overly hormonal. Ok, so I have a bit of an excuse for the last one, but honestly, this pregnancy has really set me over the edge. On top of working, running a business, being a mom and a wife and taking care of a house... everything has set me over the edge and I've turned into this person that I just don't like. Like I said in my previous post, I am trying hard to make a change. To start seeing the good in things rather than focusing on the bad. To start praising others for their good qualities rather than their bad. And that filters into the marriage issues as well... so hopefully with me making this change it will help US grow stronger as well.

Tonight I had a chat with a friend, who I won't name but she knows who she is, whom I feel blessed to have met. Turns out we've been going through many of the same marriage issues in the same time line, yet neither of us knew this until this evening. Can I tell you how RELIEVING it is to hear someone say many of the same things that I myself have thought and felt? To know that we aren't the only ones having trouble adjusting to being both parents and marriage partners? I felt like I could finally sigh and admit that our faults and struggles were okay and normal.

So, anyhow... I'm feeling gutsy and feeling like I want to be open and honest with this post. For now. I might pull it if I get that weird "I shouldn't have posted that" feeling, but for now I think I'm ok with sharing. I think its ok to admit my life isn't perfect... that I have struggles that maybe some of you have as well. And, hopefully, I won't be looked at negatively for it. I'm finally surfacing, and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Turn Around

Today has been a rotten day.

• I'm running out of shirts to wear to work. Even more of a reason to stop working early...
  
• My grandma is in the hospital and had complications with arteries
• My mother in law is in the hospital with cardiac problems
• I'm feeling a little regretful for opening my big mouth in a situation that maybe I shouldn't have (although it really felt good to get out some honest to goodness true feelings)
• I'm feeling hurt about a friendship that I've recently found out some not so good things about. Wishing I both did and didn't know now what I do.
  
• I'm feeling down about myself for being so negative during this pregnancy, for forgetting to look on the positive side of things and always focusing on the negative.
• I'm feeling sad that our life has become so chaotic and crammed with school and work and other things that my husband and I have lost connection with each other. And that I've lost the ability to see the great things in him.
  
• I'm feeling a bit of rage towards people who just don't learn... who will never "get it."
  
  I'm making a plan to change things. To turn things around. To be more positive. To let go of "toxic" relationships that are bringing out the worst in me. To focus on the good. To try to communicate better. To not air my dirty laundry. To learn when to keep my mouth shut and when less is more.
  
  Wish me luck.
  

Here I go again!

I've launched another Project 365... version 2008. Here's hoping I can stick with it this year.

Goal.

I've been a very lazy scrapbooker lately. I am giving myself a goal. I just ordered nearly $100 in pictures (AAACK>>>>> don't tell Ryan!!), and I have and entire Pamper's wipe box (my super special photo holder) full of pictures from the past year... as well as a photo box (you know... the shoe box sized ones) full of pictures. SO! I have no excuse. Other than lack of creativity and an addiction to blogs....

I'm going to do it.

5 layouts by Sunday evening.

Hold me to it, ok?

Goals

Ahh... The third day into 2007 and I still am not sure what my goals are for this year.

I am horrible at keeping resolutions. I would like to say one of my resolutions is to get back into working out, and running, like I did before getting pregnant. But isn't that just about everyone's resolution (ok, so maybe not the "like before getting pregnant" part). Its so funny to read blogs where people mention joining gyms, starting workout routines, having a goal to be thin by next Christmas. Whats the percentage that really reach that goal? Not big.

Anyway, (sorry to be a downer on that part LOL)... I'm not sure what my goals are this year. I do have one, it seems sort of simple but I think it'll make out to be harder than I thought. I want to capture my life day by day. Picture by picture. Capture the little moments, the moments that seem monotonous but in all reality, make up my life.

I'm starting on a project named "Project 365" (I've added v.2007 for this year, in case I keep on it and do it again next year). I'm not sure exactly WHO started Project 365, but I've read about it on Melissa Davis' blog and also found another site where someone did this same sort of thing.

I'm going to challenge myself to take a picture a day this whole entire year. And carry my camera more places. (and hopefully get a cheap point and shoot so that will be easier to do....).

Heather started her "year long photo album" I Like Today Because in a new blog. I wanted to do that... to dedicate a whole blog to Project 365, but I'm already overwhelmed with online blogs/sites to keep up with. (Photography website, Photography Blog, this blog, uhm... hmmm seems like I had more...). Soooo... I started a photo album for Project 365. I am going to try to journal a little in the description area of the picture... maybe just a few feelings from the day, or a little description of the picture. Maybe I won't write anything at all. But, hopefully, in the end... all 365 pictures will be there. And how cool will it be to look back and see my year in review.

So, without further ado.... my "only" New Years Resolution (so far)...

Project 365 v.2007