This week....

has been rough.  I'm not sure if its the unrelenting heat that is getting to us or what, but we've all been crabby.  

The boys have been at each others throats... not talking nice to each other, being vengeful, hurtful, hateful.  

It seems like every time I turn around I'm picking up another mess that someone got out.  

I feel like a hamster on a wheel.  

I've been yelling.  I was doing SO good at not yelling.  

I've been terrible at remembering to take my meds.  

I have been trying to stop and see the positive but sometimes it is SO hard to.  I know I have behaviors I need to stop in order for the boys to follow suit.  I need to remember that my house does not have to be spotless all the time.  

I'm worried about this fall... staying home.  I've pretty much decided to stay home and "be an artist".  Ha!  That sounds ridiculous, I know.  But.... I'm going to try it.  I'm going to try making photography work, and I've also began making signs (check me out: The Reclaimed Canvas on Facebook!) and in the past week I've more than made my school paycheck.  I doubt the signs will stay this steady selling but I love the creative outlet and I am having fun with it.  

I am having a hard time with the thought of not having a "normal" job... a "go to work, clock in and get a paycheck" kind of job.  I also keep thinking that maybe God is steering me in this direction and I need to listen.  A year ago I sat in therapy crying because my babies were growing up too fast, that I wished I could stay home and I knew it wasn't in the cards for me.  And the past few years I have felt like God has been saying No No No to me every time I try to make teaching work.  Over the past many many years I've heard so many times "You're missing your calling, girl" when referring to my crafty/artsy side.  I just shrug and dismiss it.  But maybe it has been a message that has been repeated to me for a reason.   

On Sunday at church the message was amazing.  Ben talked about how you get this plan in your head, you see how you WANT things to go, you have it all laid out... and then all of a sudden things do a 180 and you're all of a sudden not where you'd planned.... things didn't go the way you'd wanted.  And instead of giving up, instead of being defeated, you need to see that it is God doing work IN you before he can do work THROUGH you.  That He is guiding you in that direction to mold you so that he can use you for better in a different way, different than what you had had planned.  This spoke to me SO clearly.  I've had my plan... I wanted to teach.  I had it all figured out.  I've never imagined teaching anywhere else but Bean.  And it is not going to happen.  Never.  I feel defeated, yes.  But I also am trying to look at it as an opportunity to grow, to see what God has in store for me.  To listen to the work that He wants to do in me.  Maybe another teaching opportunity will open up for me.  Maybe teaching isn't where He has a plan for me.  Maybe I'm meant to stay home and "be an artist"... to paint and run my photography business more wholeheartedly than I have in the past 4 years.  I guess time will only tell.

I hope this makes sense.  And this is so off the topic.  I'm just worried this fall... staying home.  It won't be too terrible because Porter will be in school and I'm hoping to be able to afford to send Hudson to preschool, so that will give me a few mornings to get some work done and spend time with Amelia.  BUt this week has left me feeling less than adequate.  I barely shower.  My kids run around looking like orphans.  The dogs are neglected, the laundry gets washed but never folded... I'm hoping I can focus my energies better and find the joy in my new direction.