This week I was incredibly discouraged. If there is one thing I have learned about myself from this class it is that we, the parents, are the problem. Not the children. Their actions are simply a side effect of our parenting. They do what they do because in the past, it has worked for them.
Another major discovery I have found is that I am most likely the largest problem in our equation. This haunts me and weighs on my shoulders daily, and each day that I fail to improve myself I get more and more discouraged.
See, I am a yeller. I'm most likely to fall into the "passive" parenting category but in the snap of a finger can turn to the most authoritarian dictator. It is something I have struggled with since before we ever had kids. My mom and I are a lot alike. She, too, was a yeller. And while I had an amazing childhood with so many awesome memories and she was (and is) an amazing mom to me, I vowed I never wanted to react he way she did when she was angry or frustrated. Well, being on the other side of the mirror now, I can understand and feel all those emotions of anger, frustration and rage that she must have felt.
I know I have a problem. I wish there was an easy fix. I wish I could take a magic pill and be all better. I can't. I know that in my family, I am the one who needs fixing. I'm the one who needs to be retrained in how to act and react. It is a terribly difficult process for me and right now I am feeling more discouraged than uplifted with the place I am in after 7 weeks of class.
Tonight I sat quiet and listened to the wealth of information from my classmates. I felt joy for their accomplishments this week and sorrow for the battles they are fighting at home. But most of all I felt hopelessness and disappointment with myself. For I had not made progress this week. I was still fighting the same battles as I had in week 1. I don't know that my excuse is or even if I have one. I don't know if I'm not trying hard enough, if I'm not focusing on the right things, or if I'm simply searching for the answers in the wrong place. I think I need to start journaling daily about our accomplishments and setbacks and maybe it will help me to reflect on what I can do to improve. I only wish I had started doing this weeks ago. Hopefully, though, with the knowledge from this class (and hopefully many more one on one counseling sessions), I can begin to see the light at the end of my long tunnel.
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Wow . . . this is a beautifully written post on a topic really difficult to talk about. I'm so, so glad you did, because I can relate.
ReplyDeleteI have the most success when I'm constantly on my knees (figuratively speaking) saying, "God, I can't change myself, so I need you to help me do it" because I too often focus on what I can do to change myself.
Patience, love, joy . . . it's fruit of the spirit. I try so hard to be patient, when it's really not anything I can do on my own. It's just the fruit of my relationship with God. And I've noticed that during the times that I'm spending less time with Him and trying to do things on my own, I'm way more likely to fly off the handle with my boys.
I struggle with this, too. And parenting two? About 10 times harder than it ever was with one.
How strange is it that I'm just now reading this RIGHT after I finished discussing this with my husband about myself? I absolutely relate to this post, as it is me to a T also. I'm also searching for how to change this in myself and continue to be disappointed and upset w myself because I have yet to be able to do it. My mom was also a horrible yeller. In fact, most of what I remember is her yelling...not talking to us. It sucks and I too know that it is the #1 thing that negatively affects my children. I can physically feel myself boiling and boiling and when I do yell, it is a release of that and for an instant I feel better, but then I am quickly horrified and wish I had never done it. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, please keep us posted on your progress and how you are changing things. I know I can use all the help I can get and won't give up. Hang in there...some of us are right along here with you!