Fruck fruckety fruck. That's all.

I'm sad I didn't blog this morning.  I had so many thoughts running through my head about feelings I had about parenting.  Good feelings.  I had so many things to say, that I'd been thinking, about how I wished my kids would stay little and how I wish I could be a parent to young kids forever...

It's unfortunate I didn't blog this morning, and I hope that those good thoughts and feelings become the foremost thoughts in my mind sometime soon again.   It is unfortunate, because right now the only thing I can think about my kids- my sons, that is- is how disgusted and embarrassed I am by their behaviors today.  If punching a kid in the face was an appropriate form of punishment, I'd have been right in line to do that.

So I'm sitting here, in the basement, with a margarita and my computer.  I had to remove myself from the presence of my two rude little devils.   I've never in my life been so embarrassed by them. Okay, maybe that time Ryan and I flew to Florida with Porter at 17months and he screamed bloody murder like the exorcist for 45 minutes of the flight.  That was understandable, forgivable, even.  Their behavior today?  Disgusting.

Where do I start?  Let me get the "excuses" out of the way.  Last night they were up until past 10pm.  They rarely ever stay up that late, and we let them because they were watching a movie with Ryan in the basement.  And they didn't have nap or rest this afternoon, which they probably really really needed seeing they were lacking sleep the night before.  But those excuses are not excuseable.  Not for the way they acted today.

My friend Barbie invited us to the lake to ride on their pontoon boat. She and her husband Simon have been good friends of mine for years- I used to babysit their kids, who are now in high school and college. She's watched me grow up from a teenager to an adult, and I have watched her kids grow from babies to, well, adults now!  Joining them on the boat were their neighbors, the Osterbergs, and their 3 kids- who are 7, 5 and almost 2.  Ryan was in a rotten mood all morning so I decided to leave him at home to stew and brood over whatever he was stewing and brooding over.  I packed up all 3 kids and we headed out to the lake around 2pm.

I didn't have a hesitation in the world about taking the 3 kids on my own.  I do this all the time.  They know their manners, they know how to mind, they know how to behave.  While there are times they act out, as kids do, there are rarely times I'm really, truly embarrassed by behavior that isn't typical kid behavior.

Today, oh my god.  Where do I start.  Hmm.  How about here.  My kids are assholes.  Yep.  You heard me.  Ass-Holes.  Call the parenting police, but Jesus H. I promise you if you'd been around them you'd think the same.  (I promise I don't call them that to their faces.  Only behind their backs. Bahaha!)

So we get out to the lake.   I'm lugging fifty-two thousand bags of swim gear and baby paraphernalia and a little cooler with a big fifth of margaritas for mama.  Oh and some drinks for the kids and a bag of animal crackers.  You know, essentials.  We get on the boat in 90* weather and it really, honestly, starts out like a wonderful fun afternoon.  I'm chatting with Judy and Barbie, the kids are acting like normal children.  At this moment you just might think the lake was a great idea.

We parked the boat and dropped anchor so everyone could jump in and swim (except mama heifer carrying an extra 30+lbs and couldn't even squeeze her stretch mark laden body into her mother-bathing-suit).  Then Porter begins the baby talk and whining.  Oh my flucking gawd the whining.  He couldn't utter a word without it sounding like "meeee weeehhhh weeehhhhh mehhhh"  or whatever the flip whining sounds like when you write it.  (pass me some more Tequila, please).  The whining was over everything.... he wanted to get in the lake, but the second he got near the water he was whining.  He wanted to get in the tube but then whined.  He wanted to go to shallow water.  He wanted someone to go in with him.  He wanted to drive the boat.  He wanted to go tubing.  He wanted to wear goggles.  The goggles were too tight.  He wanted to fly the frucking Air Force One plane and Obama wouldn't let him.  Can you whine about it?   Porter was doing it.  It was so damn bad that Simon even said to him "Why are you whining?  Do you know you sound like a 2 year old?"  That.  Bad.

And then the attitude started in.  Since Porter started school he occasionally gets this cocky, asshole type attitude.  Like a teenager.  Only a 6 year old is acting that way so its even doubly irritating because at least in a teenager you can blame some of it on hormones.  So Simon is trying to joke around with Porter, tickle him, etc... adn Porter is like "Dude, stop!  Dude!"  WTF.  DUDE!?!?  Are you serious right now?!  Then- shoot me dead right now- I caught the end of a scolding that (thank goodness) Simon was giving Porter for being rude... turns out Porter told him he wanted him to go in the water with him or he'd kick him.  So Simon said "Go ahead... kick me. But I'll kick you back."  I about died right there.

Hudson... well he wasn't AS bad, but we have GOT to get over the anti-speaking-when-in-presenece-of-unfamiliar-people.  There were numerous times where a "thank you" was warranted and Hudson refused to say it.  I mean, my kids know their damn manners.  They do.  I swear.  (yep.  I swear.  Literally.  Damn it they know their manners!!!).  Judy gave him a sandwich (bless her- she brought a whole container of sandwiches!) and I said to him "Isn't that nice of Judy?  What do you tell her?"  and he just glares at her.  GLARES.  FRUCKING GLARES.  So I prod him-  "Can't you tell her thank you?"  No dice.  Asshole. And there were a few times someone asked him a question (like... "HOw do you like your baby sister?") and he just glared.  What. The. Fruck.   I think I'm going to teach him sign language for Thank You, Yes and No because I swear to goodness he freezes up with unfamiliar (I say this because its not always "strangers"... but people he doesn't see often as well).  I know its his personality, and I hate saying "He's shy" because I don't want to label him, but I feel like I need to have an excuse for his lack of speaking.  UGHH.

So finally I asked them to take us back to the dock so we could leave.  I joked, awkwardly, about how I want to drop them off at home and run for the hills and that they might just find 2 kids in the parking lot when they get ready to leave... I was wholeheartedly serious though.  So.  Embarrassed.  I apologized numerous times and then, just to kick me when I'm down, Hudson accidentally walked into Amelia's carseat while Simon was carrying it to the van for me and Hudson yelled "OW!" in a rude way, not an "ouch that hurt..."  more of an "ouch asshole watch where you're going".  Jesus H.  Shoot me.

Once all of my van doors shut the tongue lashing began.  Oh my word... if they don't know I'm disappointed in their behavior then God help them as they navigate through life because they might as well be goners.  It was a looong SILENT ride home.

I cried a few tears, and mostly just felt dizzy with anger and disappointment (and possibly margaritas....).  I don't think I've ever felt so defeated and lost as a parent.  I just don't understand where their rudeness came from.  I mean, sure a slip here or there is acceptable.  But I kid you not, it was every single thing out of their mouthes that was rude or disrespectful or whiny.  We don't allow them to talk that way to people, to us, to adults.  And if you'd just have met my kids today you'd think they ran the roost here.  Not so at all.  I just... I'm so baffled and upset and mad.  Mad.  Pissed.  UGH.  UGHHHHHHHHH.