it doesn't have to be taboo

Have you seen the article about the Duggar kids floating around... The one talking about how they announced their pregnancy before the standard 12 weeks, and that they chose to do so because they would acknowledge their baby if they did miscarry?  This kind of hit home with me, and made me feel guilty.  

See, right after I came home from Silver retreat I found out I was pregnant.  Yes.  Pregnant.  #4.  Huge surprise and not planned.  At.  All.  I spent a good week feeling awful.... Thinking about the things that a 4th child would screw up.  Like drinking wine in France, or vacationing as a family in one hotel room or only having 3 cubby baskets in my foyer.   And then I started to realize how great it would be... One more child to love (or drive me crazy), one more chance to savor those little baby moments, one more gummy faced smile, one more first step.  I got excited about watching our 3 kiddos with a new baby, and seeing Porter and Hudson dote on another little baby.  I started to get excited.  

We have never really announced our pregnancies until I think close to 10 weeks.  Usually after we get a chance to have an ultrasound and hear the heartbeat.  Before we left for France we told a few family members, and I'd told a couple close friends. But while we were in France, Ryan talked freely about it.  My getting knocked up was kind of the butt of our jokes because, well, it's kind of funny when your friend asks if you have a tampon bc they need one in the middle of a castle tour and you're like "Hello, me? Did you forget I got knocked up?"  

We got home from France and I was looking forward to LeeAnn scanning me and hopefully becoming "Facebook official" as I was close to 9 weeks along.  

And then I miscarried.  And it kind of became this taboo, awkward thing.  Thank GOD I was home when this began because it was a painful few days, physically and emotionally.  I wanted to hole up in my room for the week and just be done with it.  It was an awful last week of summer.  I felt like I was in labor for half of the week and unable to do anything productive with the kids.  I was grumpy and sad and nonexistent as a mother.  I felt like a failure.  I let a few people know what happened but all the "acquaintances" that had been told?  What do you do then?  Ugh.  And then this article came out.  And I realized.... This doesn't have to be a big secret.  This happened.  This baby had a heartbeat and little arms that moved and it shouldn't be taboo.   It's part of our story.  I can write about it.  And document this as part of our life.
I am no stranger to miscarriage.  Before we had Porter I miscarried very early- at 5 weeks.  It was awful-  when the only thing you want is a baby and you lose a pregnancy you're so excited about and you don't have other children to keep you preoccupied and all you can think about is the waiting and wishing and hoping.  This miscarriage hasn't been as emotionally difficult- it was unexpected, both the pregnancy and the miscarriage, but I do feel sad when I realize I should be 12 weeks along now, and that other friends are announcing pregnancies and I would have been pregnant with them. 

I'm not sure where we will go from here. We hadn't planned on a 4th child but now that we welcomed the idea I feel like it feels right.  But then I worry that maybe the miscarriage was a sign that we aren't supposed to have a 4th.  That we don't need anymore craziness in our lives (who does?).  And, well, we all know the Ry and I never produce any calm, complacent, docile children so surely a 4th would be another wild, strong willed, independent kiddo.  I guess time will tell, and we'll have to see what direction prayers and fate point us in.  But for now, I rest easy knowing I don't have to feel like this is/was something to hide.  Thank you, Duggars, for opening my eyes.